Originally posted on ArchiveOfOurOwn and someone suggested for me to post this fic here so I did!. Let me know what you think of this lil' Nikita dabble because I just finished the series for the second time and I am having all the feels.


CHAPTER ONE - YOU'VE HELPED ENOUGH

I don't want your help…

It echoed in her mind on a loop, like a song she could not get out of her head. She badly wants to, needs to, but she can't. It's stuck and with each time, she hurts even more. Michael's voice gets louder and louder and she feels herself drowning. He is hurting because of her, because once again, she made the decision for him. What if it's not what he wants? He had asked her to go, to leave him alone with that burning car and she went on ahead and cut off his hand.

She argued that it is because she loves him. She loves him so much she can do anything for him and yet, she cannot take his pain away no matter how hard she tries. He does not want her. He does not want to see her. He cannot stand looking at her, being with her. He hates her, she thought. Is it possible? Can Michael really hate her? It happened before when he thought she had betrayed him in his quest for revenge on Kasim. She had seen it in his eyes and when she looks at him now, she's afraid she will see it again.

You've helped enough…

She wanted to laugh. It's all her fault. He is the one good thing in her life, the one person that keeps her afloat from the overwhelming darkness that's threatening to consume her. He keeps the evil at bay. He knew who she really is at her core and he accepts her with open arms because he said he loves all of her. He said they will face everything together. He also said not this.

The weight in her chest keeps getting heavier and heavier and it's getting harder to breathe. He is her anchor. Without him…she does not know how to exist. She does not know how to keep herself sane, focused, in check.

Her body is craving things she wished would just go away. A simple escape a pill would provide or a bloodshed would wash away. As her fingers tapped onto the desk, she chose the latter. That's way better than diving into a mess she would have a hard time getting out of. What kind of example she would be to Alex if she gives in to that demon? She cannot do that to her. She cannot be the one at fault for pulling Alex to that pit too.

And so, she begged Ryan to give her an assignment. It will help her take her mind off things, take her mind off Michael. Ryan questioned her, of course. He knew, she thought. He knew what's going on and he wants to help. She argued that putting her out there is the only way he can help. Ryan saw no other choice. He knows that if he does not allow her, she would only do it on her own. Better to give her some back up and assistance than letting her out without any help.

When she got into the target location, something in her just snapped. The perfect agent Division molded her to be. It felt so natural. Like a dancer swaying into the rhythm of the music, her body moved so instinctively. It was a success. The mission was a success and when she returned to Division, she felt empty again. She almost felt nothing.

The gang celebrated. How often do they get their wins these days?

Nikita could not bring herself to celebrate, not even to smile to convince the others she's celebrating too. How can she smile when the man that she loves is in pain because of her? That's what happens when people get close to her. She ruins everything she touches. When Carla found and saved her, she put her back on Division's radar and ruined her life. When she got to Division, she became its end. When she saved Alex, she turned her into a killer just like her. When she saved Ryan, she passed on to him the burden of cleaning up Percy's mess. When she found Owen, he lost Emily. Birkhoff almost lost his hand because she couldn't stop herself from taking action. When she got together with Michael, he lost his chance to be with his son, and now his hand too.

She is a virus, she concluded. She destroys everything. For all of the things that had happened, she is the common denominator. What the hell is she even still doing standing then? Had she let Percy end her before, would that change things? Would that make things better for the people she cares about?

"Nikita", she blinked and saw the others staring at her. "Are you alright?" Ryan asked.

They're in the middle of their traditional family dinner or not-so traditional family dinner. She couldn't remember what they were talking about but they're all looking at her now.

"Sorry, didn't catch what you said. What was that?" she asked him back.

Silence followed after that.

"Birkhoff was asking about the girls in your yoga class", Alex supplied.

Oh, that.

"That ship has sailed and sunk", she replied.

She tried having a normal life but it's not for her. She has no idea how to live a normal life. Even before Division, she never has that. What right does she have to seek it? After everything that she's done, she does not deserve anything good.

"Maybe we can try and include that during training. I am down for some hot yoga", Birkhoff teased.

The others laughed. She managed to fake a smile. Whether that convince the others, she wouldn't know. She didn't pay any attention. She simply stared at her full plate and let her thoughts take her away. Tomorrow is another day, she thought. Tonight, she will come home to an empty bed. The home she used to call home is no longer a home. Without Michael, there is no home. She is all alone once more.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Alex asked this time.

They now all looked worried. Nikita glanced at Owen and saw him staring at her with his usual gaze. Studying her, perhaps. She didn't dare to look at Michael's way. She wouldn't want to see his gaze turned into a hateful one. She wouldn't be able to bear that. That would be too much and she would eventually drown.

"Yeah…just tired. It's been a long day. Do you mind if I call it a night? I'll just sleep it off and I'll be fine in the morning", she lied.

Maybe it was not entirely a lie. She is tired…about everything. She is tired of fighting, of existing. She is just tired.

"I'll drive you", Owen offered.

"That won't be necessary. I can still drive—"

"I'll drive you", he insisted and stole her keys from her.

She sighed. Once Owen set his mind on something, there's no stopping him. She bid the others good night. She did not dare do the same with Michael. She knows he will be staying again at Division, muttering excuse about finishing up something. He always does that because he wants to avoid her.

He has gotten sick of her meddling with his life. She knows he comes home when she's already asleep because when she wakes up, his side of the bed would still be warm but when she searched for him, he's already gone.

The drive was silent.

There is nothing to talk about. She stared outside, the dark road as they passed by houses, people, stores, along the way. How nice to be just like them?

"You can be real with me. How are you?" Owen broke the silence.

She wished he hadn't. She does not want to talk but Owen is just as stubborn as she is. That's why they get along. They're kindred spirits.

"Tired", she simply said.

"Of what?"

"…of everything", she responded.

When they arrived at the house, she bid him good night and went inside the house. It is nothing but a house now. She did not bother turning on the lights. There is no point. She wouldn't be cooking. There's no one there to talk to. She hit the shower and changed her clothes before crashing onto the bed. Tomorrow, she will once again wake up alone and the day will repeat itself.

Ryan discussed a new rogue agent for the next mission and she focused all her attention to it rather than paying attention to anyone with her in the room.

"I'll do it", she blurted out.

They all came to a halt. "Nikita, you don't have to. We've got a team for it", Michael said for the first time or rather talked to her for the first time.

Trust Michael to only open a communication with her when it comes to work.

"…and trust the team to handle a rogue cleaner? I don't think so", she responded.

That part is true. That will only result to more casualties.

"Then I'll do it. I was a cleaner. I can handle it", Owen offered.

"I got it first. Get in line, Owen", she snapped.

"Whoa…it's not a contest, Nikki", Birkhoff cut in.

She only raised a brow at him, and it was enough to shut him up.

"Nikita, you just got back from a mission yesterday. Let the others handle this one", Ryan tried to pacify her but it's not working.

"Are you sure they will get the guy?" she challenged.

When it comes to cleaners, chances are most of the team will end up dead before they can even come close to the target.

"We will go. I'll take Sean with me and Owen too. We'll get the target", Alex suggested.

Nikita made a pointed look at Ryan, silently telling him to make a choice now or she will make it for him.

"Only if you will take Owen with you", Ryan proposed.

"Done", she immediately said and turned around.

She heard the others starting to protest but she ignored them and proceeded to the armory with Owen trailing after her. She quietly packed up a bag with her favorite guns and weapons. She cannot wait to beat up someone to a pulp and release all of her frustrations to him. She is actually hoping for a good fight.

"You're getting reckless", she glared at Owen. "It's not going to make you feel better. You are hurting and I get it. You want to release everything to a target but after the mission, it's still going to be there. It's not going to go away, Nikita. You've got to face it", he added.

"I am facing it. This is how I am facing it. I can't seem to do anything right with my life but at least, in this way I can do a good job. This is what I am good at, at killing, at hurting people. I am facing it, Owen. I am facing what I am. You don't like it. Turn around and don't come", she snapped before grabbing her bag and went to the garage.

She reviewed the plan over and over again. She gave firm instructions to the team that no one is to approach the target on their own. They're backups, lookouts. She knows Owen is keeping a close eye on her and she will not be going to be able to get rid of him so she made peace with that.

Once they arrived at the location, they moved fast. The team took care of the guards, the security system which allowed her and Owen to slip inside the house with ease. The thing is, the target is already expecting them. It turned out into a full fight. Owen fought off the rest of the guards while she went after the target. She gave the whole speech about coming back to Division, getting a new life if he helps them gather the other rogue agents and as usual, the cleaner refused her.

"I was really hoping you would say that", she whispered to his ear with a wicked grin.

They fought each other and she relished every second of it. She took blows left and right but she's high on adrenaline. She didn't even feel them. All she can think about is hurting him in every imaginable way. She did. He became her punching bag.

"Nikita!"

She kicked and punched. She maneuvered her body efficiently until she landed on top of him and she hammered her fists on his face with all her strength.

"Nikita!"

She sees red. Blood splattered everywhere but she couldn't bring herself to stop until someone grabbed her. She thrashed, thinking she missed another guard but it was Owen and his wide eyes keeping her still. He had to pin her to the ground to do just that.

"Stop! He's dead! He's dead, Nikita", he yelled and that's when she stopped.