Sarah discovers something new about her ordeal. She and Chuck spend a lazy Saturday reminiscing. Mostly a device to describe the ways in which this story diverges from canon.

Chapter 10

After they exchanged goodbyes with Josie, Sarah was a bit surprised when Chuck slid into the driver's seat of his Telsa. She was even more surprised when he asked, "Do you mind if we make a stop at USC-Neurosciences for a blood draw?"

"No, I don't mind. Can you tell me why we need a blood draw?" Sarah asked slowly.

"Sure, I'll be happy to answer all your questions," Chuck said in a clipped tone. "As soon as we get to AG2."

The need to discuss it in a secure room sounded ominous to Sarah so she resisted the urge to probe further. They both had blood drawn and held for testing as directed by Dr. Barrowman. Then they drove to CI HQ and made their way to AG2.

"OK, Bartowski, explain yourself," Sarah asked as soon as the room registered secure.

"First, I've got a few quick questions. I can't explain without biasing the answers," Chuck said. Sarah nodded gamely and he continued. "Can you identify what made you want to be Josie's sister?"

"Shared experience," Sarah replied immediately. "Her mother was a manipulative politician who taught her that lying was a person's most important skill and trust was the biggest weakness. She also taught her that she could never count on her mother. Remind you of anyone you know?"

Chuck nodded, looking relieved, "And did you draw this parallel or did she?"

"I did," Sarah said firmly.

"That's a huge load off my mind," Chuck said, relaxing completely. "Do you remember my background on Dr. Koslov?"

Sarah nodded, grimly.

"He's been developing a psychotropic that inhibits affection, loyalty, and affinity" Chuck said, anger smoldering in his eyes. "Do you remember when you visited me after Quinn confessed he had used you?"

"Yes," Sarah whispered sadly.

"You told me you believed what I had told you about our relationship but you couldn't FEEL those emotions. I think Quinn gave you a massive dose of Koslov's psychotropic so he could use you against me," Chuck explained. "I knew you had been having some intense personal conversations with Josie but when you offered to be her sister, it caught me by surprise. I was afraid that you might have been dosed with a new psychotropic that had the opposite effect, making you artificially susceptible to affection and loyalty."

Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She went back over her conversations with Josie in her mind to see if she could identify any incongruous emotions. After several long minutes she was comfortably secure in the knowledge that her feelings were completely her own.

"I think we're good," she said confidently. "Our conversation got pretty intense yesterday. Josie completely broke down at one point but I can trace my words and feelings to my own past. We really do have a lot in common."

"You may not believe it, but if you'd met her before me there's an excellent chance you'd be married to her now," Sarah added with an ironic smile.

"The mind boggles," Chuck admitted.

"Believe me, Chuck, my reputation before I met you was a LOT scarier than hers. I sure there are plenty of boggled minds among the people who knew me then," she assured him.

"Well as long as you don't get any ideas from 'Big Love', I'm really grateful that you've been able to bring Josie into the family," Chuck smiled. "For her sake as well as ours."

"I knew you would be," Sarah said fondly. "And don't worry, I fully intend to ruin you for any other woman."

"I think that's my cue to get us back to the apartment," he said with an eager glint in his eye. "On second thought, you drive, we'll get there faster."

"Faster isn't always better, Chuck," she laughed. "We'll try it both ways so we can compare."

Back at the apartment, their research into varying speeds was exhaustive. It was noon before they were able to get caught up on their sleep. After they had something to eat, Sarah gazed thoughtfully at the tamaya to her old self and said, "Talking about the terrible night I told you I couldn't feel anything for you got me thinking. I haven't watched my old Project Bartowski logs since that first time. Could we take some time to watch them together?"

"I can make the time," Chuck said as he put the dishes away. "If you feel up to it."

They popped the DVD into the computer in the bedroom and cuddled up to watch. The first two years held plenty of cringeworthy moments for both of them but they were pleasantly surprised to find Sarah remembered most of it. They both reminisced about Bryce.

"He was SO full of himself, Stanford man, James Bond Jr." Sarah laughed. "He was the first significant man in my life who didn't trigger my massive daddy issues and I thought I was in love. I was the high priestess of the cult of Bryce."

"I remember how distraught you were when you found him dead in the intersect room," Chuck said sadly.

"Bryce loved being a human target," Sarah said philosophically. "He spent his entire career dancing in the cross hairs and taunting death. Death was always going to get the last laugh. He was lucky to last as long as he did."

As recorded Sarah began recounting their third year the mood darkened considerably.

"God I was an idiot in Prague," Chuck sighed bitterly.

"Are you kidding?" Sarah was shocked. "Every agent I trained with would have sold their firstborn for a spot at an elite training facility like that. Unlike you, most of them would have done it out of raw ambition. Besides, it was stupid to think that I could hide the intersect from the CIA. I was blinded by my first experience of adult love, desperately hungry for a brave new world without lies. When you didn't go with me my cynical side lashed me to the rack and whipped me raw and bloody, laughing at me and calling me a sucker."

"I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that," Chuck said quietly.

Sarah hugged him, saying, "It's not your fault, Chuck."

"Bullshit," Chuck said venomously. "It damn well IS my fault. I was old enough to know better. When you have some big shot giving you a chance to save the world on one hand and a precious beautiful soul begging you to take her in from the cold on the other you tell the big shot to give her shiny hero badge to someone else and you take care of the girl. The fact that you trained with a bunch of glory addicts doesn't let ME off the hook."

Sarah wanted to argue with him but couldn't see a flaw in his reasoning. She changed the subject to her own mistakes, "I was so hurt I retreated into the comfort of my Ice Queen persona. If I had just answered my damn phone after you washed out we could have sailed off into the sunset as regular people and the CIA wouldn't have cared."

"If you had seen me living in my pajamas and covered in cheese dust I'm sure you would have been grateful you'd dodged that bullet," Chuck replied dryly.

They watched a few more entries until Daniel Shaw was mentioned. Sarah buried her head behind Chuck's back in embarrassment, saying, "I'm going to pretend I was replaced by a pod person until Shaw goes away, OK? I hate remembering this time."

"Why?" Chuck was confused. "You were all about helping me become a spy while Shaw was blaming YOU for my mistakes. You seemed pretty damned selfless to me."

"You say selfless, I say clueless. What does it say about me that a self-centered showboat like Bryce could tell you had too much heart for that kind of life and I couldn't?" Sarah asked pointedly. "I was so focused on reassuring myself that I was a good professional who had a momentary lapse that I left you to be torn apart by the wolves."

When the recorded Sarah started gushing about Shaw saving her life during the mask incident she groaned. "See that? That's not me, that's a pod person," Sarah insisted. "The real me would have skewered that idiot for almost getting himself killed because he was too stupid to have a backup plan the first time he tried to grab the mask. Then she would have been really sarcastic in thanking him for saving her life after his incompetence put her in mortal danger in the first place."

As subsequent recordings detailed Sarah's deepening relationship with Shaw, she continued hiding behind Chuck and making occasional noises of dismay. She finally came out of hiding for the entry describing Chuck's red test, staring hard at the image of her past self on the screen. She paused the recording and turned to Chuck saying, "This is the lowest moment of my life. I knowingly let that rat bastard use me to give the order destroying everything good in the man I loved. My only consolation is that I remember telling you it was OK to refuse to kill, that there was nothing wrong with not being a spy. I don't know how I could live with myself if I'd done what Shaw wanted and told you that your only chance to be with me was killing the mole."

Chuck closed his eyes and was very still. "Oh God no," Sarah said quietly. "Tell me."

After a long pause, Chuck finally admitted "I said that if I didn't kill the mole we could never be together and you said, 'Probably not'."

Sarah clutched him tightly. She was having trouble breathing. She sobbed for several minutes as he held her and stroked her hair. He finally said, "It's OK, Sarah. I was a grown ass man. It really was my choice either way."

Sarah wiped away her tears, saying, "I can almost accept that. What I'm having a hard time with is that when I thought you did what you had to to avoid 'probably not' I completely turned my back on you. Remember what you said about yourself when you turned your back on me in Prague? This is SO much worse."

She got up, grabbed some tissue and blew her nose a few times. Chuck went to her and wrapped his arms around her. Eventually they returned to the recording and were both glad to watch Sarah's joy at finally starting a real relationship with Chuck. They snuggled and enjoyed happy memories, pausing for a cathartic session of lovemaking.

As they resumed Sarah's recounting of their third year together it was Chuck's turn to hide his face when she talked about her concern for mental health.

"I can't believe I lied to you," Chuck groaned.

"What's the big deal? You didn't want me to worry about you," Sarah reassured him.

"If that were true I'd only be reckless and stupid, like Bryce," Chuck said sadly. "No, the real reason I didn't want to tell you is that I was afraid that if you thought if I no longer had a functioning intersect you'd leave me. I was insecure and pathetic."

"Awww, I'm sorry, sweetie," Sarah gave him a kiss. "I'll still love you even if you're stuck in a wheelchair and forget how to operate a computer, OK?"

"And I'll love you even if I have to feed you and change your incontinence pads," Chuck replied.

"Ew," Sarah wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Who knew true love could be so gross?"

They watched the entry describing the death of Steven Bartowski with plenty of emotion but much less embarrassment. They both cried.

The defeat of the ring had Sarah gushing again, both on the recording and in person.

"You're glossing over the fact that I was essentially crippled by the intersect," Chuck said, embarrassed. "Without you guys actually doing the heavy lifting I would have been toast."

"Sorry, babe," Sarah pressed. "Refusing to run, coming up with a plan and pushing through the pain was epic heroism."

Sarah's recorded memories of their fourth year were a lot less fraught. There were ups and downs and Sarah again found herself surprised by how much she remembered. When they started listening to Sarah's thoughts after Chuck was abducted by the Belgian, the room became considerably more tense.

"I'm so sorry, Sarah. I guess I never really understood what I put you through," Chuck admitted with tears in his eyes. "And all because I was too frightened and insecure to face the possibility of life without the intersect."

Sarah hugged him tightly, whispering, "Remembering the pain I felt when I thought I'd lost you is what brought me back to you. I'll always be grateful for that pain."

The recorded Sarah described the debriefing with the scientist who couldn't explain why phase three handn't worked and Chuck said, "I had no idea. I remember clinging desperately to your memory as something powerful tried to tear you away from me. It felt like I was hanging on with muscles that don't actually exist in the human body."

They laughed and cried as the recording recounted the failed proposal attempts. After the description of the actual proposal at the hospital, Sarah broke down in tears once more saying, "Oh my God! I remember that now!"

They held each other close and basked in the remembered joy of that moment for quite a while before they resumed watching entries.

The entry describing Roan Montgomery's unauthorized mission got them talking about his relationship with General Beckman. Sarah acknowledged that irregular rendezvous was the norm for romantic relationships in spy world. They both agreed they were grateful not to be normal in that way. Sarah talked about her time with the cat squad and some of the insane risks she took. She recounted a few stories of young spies from that time who took similar risks that proved fatal.

The conversation got more serious as the entries started mentioning Vivian Volkoff. Sarah's memory of her was foggier than her memory of other events so Chuck ended up filling in a lot of details and answering questions.

They watched Sarah's building excitement as the wedding approached. The final entry described the capture of the Norseman and Sarah's gratitude that there were no loose ends threatening to derail their wedding. Sarah took a long moment to relish the memory of her joy before she returned to reality. "But that didn't turn out to be true, did it?" she said sadly.

"No," Chuck whispered as the shadow of remembered pain darkened his face. "But let's talk about that tomorrow. For tonight, let me just remember our wedding day."

Sarah was happy to discover that she did have a few memories of their wedding and Chuck shared his memories at length. They ordered pizza and streamed some light comedies, making each other laugh by riffing on the shows. They ended the day with a treasure hunt, searching each others' bodies for seldom visited erogenous zones and slowly exploring the ones they found like an echo of their honeymoon.