CHAPTER THREE - RECOVERING
Michael's heart beats faster than ever. He knew he has been treating her poorly ever since he lost his hand. At first, it was anger, that irrational anger, but then it soon turned into a humiliation. Liam was right in front of him and he got away because he couldn't shoot him, not even one bullet. How is he going to have Nikita's back when he couldn't even shoot a plain target? When he couldn't even make a fist?
He worked his ass off. He trained his new hand to function and adjust with the kind of life he has. It's stronger than her normal hand which is good for close combat but the gun is a working progress. He poured his energy into achieving his goals that he hadn't realize he had succeeded in pushing Nikita away.
It's not what he wants. He just does not want her to see him struggling. He wants to be strong for her but he couldn't do that when she's around because she's the only one who knows him at his core. With her, he has no guards up. He's completely exposed and vulnerable and he does not want to be. He wants to show her that he can make it work, that her saving his life is not going to be in vain.
When Owen confronted him about it, he lashed out. He thought the man was just meddling as always. He does have a crush on her fiancé. But then, Nikita came back from a mission he knew nothing about with a cut on her eyebrow and a bruised face, his heart almost stopped. He wanted to go to her, ask her how she was, comfort her, but she didn't look his way.
She remained silent and detached. The others tried to talk to her, make her feel included, but she remained the same. When he got home that night, he watched her sleep for hours. He wants to tell her that it is not her fault. That if anyone, it would be his fault for not being able to be strong enough for her. He is failing her and he does not know how to fix it, how to fix himself.
He knew what she was doing. She's taking assignments to get away from him, from everyone. She has that side of her. She would rather pour out her frustrations to beating up other people than talk. He tried to stop her but it's no use when she already set her mind to things. She went on the mission and few hours later, Owen called that Nikita was injured.
The image of her being carried in Owen's arms, her blood smearing all over her will be forever engraved in his brain. He did not leave her side the moment she was returned. It's not him to pray but he did try, anything for her to wake up again. He swore to do better, to deal with his issues better.
Watching her sleep now, hearing the things she said before she had fallen asleep, it made him nervous. She's not one to love herself and he promised to teach her how. What kind of lesson did he impart on her when he pushed her away? It only made her feel like everything is her fault. It only made her think that they will be better off without her.
I destroy everything I touch…
Michael shook his head. How can he had let it go on like this for long? Everyone tried to tell him that she's hurting, that she needs him, and he resisted because he thought he would be doing her a favor once he learned to fix himself. He was wrong.
…because you said we'll do it together…
That's what he said to her when she's losing her faith. He had left her alone and she's going down the path of destroying herself because of it.
When Daniel died, Nikita was inconsolable. She became deadlier than ever which pleased Percy and Amanda but Michael knew better. He watched her broke a bag because she's way too angry. It took her awhile to get herself together and once she did, she rebelled and faked her own death to get out of Division.
Fear crept up fast. He couldn't bear the thought of Nikita leaving. He does not know what he will do if that happens, if she leaves because of him. She wouldn't blame him, he knows. She will rationalize that in her mind as an act of love for him. She is willing to make that sacrifice for him. That's how much she loves him.
"I'm so sorry, Nikita. I should have done better. I will do better. I will not push you away again. I am here. I am here always", he said as he gently brushed her hair with his fingers.
In the morning, Michael woke up alone on the bed. He instantly panicked thinking Nikita had already left but when he got into the kitchen, he found her there nursing a cup of coffee.
"I thought you left", he blurted out while panting.
"I am surprised you're still here", she responded.
He deserved that. When he approached her, she slid his own cup of coffee towards him. She did not smile but she did make him coffee. That is something, right?
"…about last night—"
"Michael, let's not talk about that anymore. You were right. I wasn't thinking yesterday and I acted irrationally during mission. Owen was stopping me and I did not listen. That was on me", she cut him off.
Michael sighed. She's taking the blame once again.
"I'm sorry", he simply said.
When he met her eyes, it's the first time he saw some semblance of emotion in them. That's the thing with the two of them. They cannot hide from one another. No matter how much they have perfected their carefully crafted masks, it never worked with the two of them. They see each other for better or for worse.
"Alex said you're doing better. Training with Sean is getting better", she changed the subject.
He did not know Alex is updating her about his training.
"Uh, yeah…I'm getting there. It's a struggle but I'm getting there. We can try and spar sometimes when you recovered", he offered.
That tug a smile from her lips. It's good to see her smile again.
"That would be nice", she muttered.
He then proceeded in making breakfast for her. He noted that the fridge is still stocked. What has she been eating when she's on her own?
"I'll be stopping by at Division tomorrow. Ryan said I am officially benched until I'm recovered but I can still come to the office and help with the planning of the missions. I'll be staying at home today", she then said.
It must have sting. He knows that Nikita is not good at being idle. He admits that it will do her good to just rest though. She's badly injured from the last mission and keeping her out of the field work is the only way to make sure she wouldn't hurt herself further.
"Guess, I'll be staying at home too", he replied.
Nikita frowned.
"Michael, you don't have to. I'll be fine", she protested.
"I want to stay home with you", it made her pause. "We can watch some movies, order pizza. It'll be fun just the two of us. No thinking of missions or rogue agents", he laid out.
It's a good thought. How long has it been since they stayed at home like that? They haven't really talked in quite some time. It would be good to have a moment to be just together.
"Alright…movies and pizza it is. I am picking the movies though", she agreed and he chuckled.
"Fine. Guess, I should get ready for horror and gore", he responded and that earned him a laugh from her.
Once or twice, he caught her staring at his mechanical hand. Guilt would swirl in her eyes each time. He would hold her closer, telling her that he's fine. As long as his with her, he's going to be just fine. He's such a fool for thinking they can exist without the other. He can never be more wrong.
When the night falls, he didn't realize he had fallen asleep on the couch. Nikita was gone from his side but he can hear her voice coming from somewhere. He got up quietly and followed where her voice was coming from.
"I know. I know it's dangerous but can you not do something about it?" there is a pause and she sighed. "Just make it happen…let me know when you got it all, alright? Bye", she ended the call.
He then decided to announce his presence to her.
"Who was that on the phone?" he asked.
It startled Nikita so badly, it made him suspicious.
"Just Birkhoff consulting on a mission. He thought we would be showing up today. He just called instead. It's fine", she responded.
It's a lie. It's clear as day but he didn't call her out. He would just ask Birkhoff about it tomorrow. Why is she lying to him now?
"Come on, let's get to bed", he invited her and she obliged.
Back in Division, his first mission is to talk to Birkhoff. Whatever it was they're talking about last night sounded ominous to his ears. With Nikita's state, he fears she would do something reckless that will put her life in danger.
He found the Nerd in his lair, eyes in deep concentration. He seems on edge too.
"Birkhoff",
"Michael! Jeez, man…don't startle people like that", Birkhoff exclaimed.
It made him frown even more. "You called Nikita last night. What was that about?" he asked.
The thing is when Birkhoff was lying, he's not very good at hiding it.
"Just checking up on her. Isn't that allowed? I know he's your fiancé now but we're still friends, right?" yup, bad liar.
"Well, she said that you're consulting on a mission", Michael pointed out.
"Uh, yes…I did after I checked up on her. What's with the questions?" Birkhoff asked.
Before Michael can answer that, Alex came in along with Ryan. Something tells him that something's wrong. Otherwise, the whole cavalry wouldn't be in Birkhoff's space.
"Have you seen Nikita?" Alex asked.
Michael frowned.
"She's here. We got here together earlier", he answered automatically.
"Well, she's not anywhere near Division. She's not answering her cell", Owen said.
Michael turned to Birkhoff who instantly looked away.
"Birkhoff, where is Nikita?" he asked with a growl.
The Nerd sighed and scratched his head. "She made me promise not to say anything. I am way more scared of her than any of you combined",
Alex got impatient and shoved him away from his computer and searched what he's working on instead. Lists of scientists flooded the screen. They don't have a mission like that.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Nikki, got me searching for any scientists who previously worked with Division to…" he glanced at Michael's mechanical hand. "…she's finding someone who can give Michael's hand back",
Michael's breathing hitched. How come he does not know that? It's not possible. That much he knows. Then, why would Nikita waste time researching scientists?
"That's impossible. No offense", Owen muttered.
Birkhoff then scoffed and made a few clicks on the keyboard and an image popped up on the screen.
"Meet Dr. Heidecker, the man who regrew Deputy Minister of Kosovo Kosta Beciraj' leg back", he revealed before showing them pictures of the Deputy Minister without his right leg and then in another who is walking like nothing happened.
"Michael…" Alex breathed out in disbelief.
It is possible and Nikita found a way. She did not give up and searched for a way to help him. Then, it just occurred to him. Nikita…
"Birkhoff, where is Nikita?" he asked again.
"She must have landed in Kosovo by now…alone", Birkhoff answered.
