CHAPTER FOURTEEN - PANIC ATTACK
"He's my father, Nikki, and you just killed him",
It's like she's being hammered with thousand nails on her chest all at once. The questions wouldn't even formed in her head like 'you have a father?' 'I thought you're an orphan just like the rest of us?' 'how come Ronald Peller was your father? You don't share the same last name' or 'how come you've never told me about having a living relative all this time?' She couldn't think.
Nikita looked at Birkhoff's eyes and though he tries to keep a passive face like that fact means nothing, she can see the brokenness in his eyes, the regret, and the silent question why in those eyes of his. She caused that. The others might argue that she was not thinking straight, that it wasn't really her, but to a degree it was. She knew what would happen to the real persons the Shop and Amanda had kidnapped once she kills the doubles but she did it anyway. She's so fueled with rage and vengeance that she didn't care what would happen to the rest of them. She was getting revenge for Michael. Nothing else mattered for her.
How wrong was she?
She remained speechless for god knows how long. Amanda won. That's plain and simple. She may have gone sideways with the path of revenge Amanda wanted her to take but it ends the same—with the people she cares about getting hurt. They've suffered the consequences of her actions. Division kissed their pardons goodbye. The team are exhausting themselves to find a way to help her and save the lives of the agents of Division. Now, she found out that she had also killed Birkhoff's father.
When did it all go so wrong?
Perhaps, it's always been wrong, ever since from the beginning. She just didn't notice because she's so preoccupied in taking down Division. Now, she might have just succeeded in doing that. Once the government figured out it was her who killed the president's double, they will launch an attack at Division and everyone will die. Few years back, that's all she wanted. She wanted to see Division burn but not anymore, not the agents that the only fault was to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was not their fault that they've got recruited. It was not their choice and she knows better than anyone that quitting was never an option. Not everyone is as suicidal as she is to defy Percy the way she did.
Suddenly, she felt as if the air is leaving her lungs. Her heart started pounding and she gasped hoping to get some more air but nothing seems to get in through her body. Panic shot through. Why can't she breathe? She glanced towards the now shocked Birkhoff. He seems fine so it wasn't the house. It's just her. She cannot breathe. Something's wrong with her. Was there something in her tea? She does not think so. She made it herself.
She gasped and gasped and clutched her throat hoping that will help but it is to no avail. Her knees buckled and if it wasn't for Birkhoff, she would've fallen onto the floor.
"Nikki! Hey…breathe! Nikki!" she heard her friend's panicked voice.
That's easier said than done. She wanted to breathe but she couldn't. Her hands are now cold and shaking. Her entire body is shaking as cold sweat started to appear on her forehead. She's going to pass out. She's sure of that. The lack of oxygen will render her unconscious. Would that be better? Would the world be better of without her?
If you die, I die…Michael's words echoed through her brain. She cannot let him die. She cannot be the reason of him getting hurt.
Birkhoff's hold on her slipped and she slumped onto the cold floor before she saw Michael's worried face in front of her. He cupped her face and forced her to look at him. Her sight is getting blurry but she sees him clearly.
"Just look at me and think of nothing else…" his voice has always had that calming effect on her. "Match my breathing. Take it slow. Focus", she recognized his authoritative voice.
He used that all the time on her whenever she's losing her grip on her self-control whether it's due to anger, desperation or now, inability to breathe.
She did her best matching his breathing. It was painful and she really did feel like dying but after few agonizing minutes of slowing her breathing down, Nikita is spent. Her body just slumped forward on Michael. Her entire strength is depleted like she just came back from a brutal mission.
"You're okay. You're okay. I am here", she heard Michael say while pressing his lips on her hair.
"Mikey…"
"…not now. We'll talk later", Michael then turned to Nikita. "Can you walk?" he asked.
Nikita can only shake her head, not trusting her voice not to break if she tries to answer. Michael does not need to be told twice. He scooped her up and took her back to their room. She didn't protest. Her eyes are ready to close. What the hell did just happen? Her brain supplied that it was a panic attack. She never had one of those before.
When Michael set her down gently, she immediately curled into a ball. If she can be so small that no one would be able to see her, she would do that but that's the best she can do.
"I will make you a cup of tea, alright? I'll be right back", she heard Michael say before hearing the door closed.
Michael went back home to check on Nikita. He knows she's never been good at being idle and alone. As much as he wants to include her in the operations, Ryan has a point. They cannot risk it after what happened. She's not as stable as he wants her to be and someone might recognize her that would instantly link her to the death of President Spencer's double.
He bought her favorite dish from that restaurant at the city and her favorite green juice. How else she can drink that thing is beyond him but his fiancé loves it and he's more than happy to give her anything she wants.
As he pulled on the driveway, he noticed Birkhoff's car parked outside. At least, she hadn't been alone that long, he mused. Nikita loves Birkhoff and the man always makes her laugh with his silly nerdy stuff. It's good that he finds the time to be there for her. Michael made a mental note to thank the guy later once they're back at Division.
The smile on Michael's face vanished, however, when he entered the house.
"Nikki! Hey…breathe! Nikki!" he heard Birkhoff's panicked voice.
He dropped the bags onto the floor and sprinted straight to the kitchen where they are. He found Birkhoff crouching on the floor with Nikita who is struggling to breathe. Panic attack, his brain supplied. He shoved Birkhoff away from her and took over. It's not the first time he dealt with someone who's having a panic attack so he knows what to do. He also knows Nikita and how to calm her down. He hid his own panic and focused on just her.
The fear in her eyes assaulted him. He has never seen her like that before and it scared him. What possibly could have caused that for her? She has always been headstrong despite the circumstances, she knows how to process things at her own pace. Even during her first days in Division, she never once suffered from panic attack. The other recruits did. Even Alex went through it during one of the exercises.
Once he made sure she's comfortable on the bed, he went back to the kitchen where Birkhoff remained still and stunned.
"What the hell happened?" Michael blurted out.
He didn't mean to snap at their friend but that's something that's never happened to Nikita. He's shaken to say the least.
"We were just talking. One minute she's fine and the next she couldn't breathe", Birkhoff said.
Michael frowned.
"What exactly are you two talking about?" he asked.
He saw the hesitation in Birkhoff's eyes as well as guilt. He just knew that it was something he said that triggered Nikita.
"One of the doubles Nikita targeted…" the guy took a deep breath before facing him. "…one of them was my father, Ronald Peller, NSA", he answered.
Michael did a doubletake. "You don't have a father",
"Do you think I just spawned from the ground like a mushroom? Of course, I do have a father—did", Birkhoff snapped.
"That's not what I meant. I meant you don't have any living relative. You were an orphan. Amanda did a background check on you", Michael explained.
Birkhoff sighed.
"I faked my death when I was fifteen. Long story. I faked my death and became Seymour Birkhoff but my real name was Lionel Peller. Ronald Peller was my father and he worked for the NSA. I just his name on Nikita's list", he said.
Michael advanced on him.
"So, you decided to confront her about it? You know she's not herself that time. You know that", Michael growled.
"I didn't come here to confront Nikki, alright? I would never do that. I just came here to ask her something. I wanted to know if she knew what happens to the originals the Shop and Amanda had kidnapped when she killed the doubles. She told me that Amanda had killed the real FBI Director when she had killed his double. Then, I told her that Ronald Peller was my father—"
"—and that she had killed him. Oh my god, Birkhoff!" Michael rubbed his hands over his face.
He never talked about it with anyone but Nikita is having a hard time coping with what Amanda did to her and what she ended up doing after that. She's been having nightmares every night and she always reaches out to him when he's home. She never said it but he knows it is to check if he's really there and alive. Sometimes when she couldn't see him, it was so easy for her to slip back and think that he's been dead, especially after a nightmare. That's why he calls her every two hours so she would know that he's alright.
Nikita never talked about what she did with the doubles. He never brought it out. Not once though did she express guilt nor regret about killing them because they both know the Shop was planning something terrible by placing doubles in the government. He never realized about what that would mean for the real people that were abducted. He simply assumed they were dead already or if not, still kept alive for some reason.
If it's any other person, Nikita might feel a little bit of guilt for sacrificing a life to stop the Shop and Amanda but to learn that it was Birkhoff's father? That hit her differently.
"Mikey, I didn't know she would react that way. I swear. I don't blame her either. I was just…I just couldn't believe it, alright? I hated that asshole but I never wished for him to die. When she told me, I just reacted. That was it. I swear, man", Birkhoff explained.
Michael can already feel the tell-tale sign of headache.
"She's not doing well, Birkhoff. I don't talk about it because she doesn't want any of you to know. She already thinks she's being a burden. She doesn't want to worry any of you more than you already are. Amanda really messed with her. There were times when she got pulled back and got confused. I do my best to always remind her that this is real, not the one Amanda put in her head. She's getting there but it's slow",
"She's not there yet in dealing with the guilt of what she'd done. It will hit her at some point but, let her work on pulling herself back together, Birkhoff. I'm sorry about your dad but it was not her fault either", Michael said.
Birkhoff sighed and nodded. He truly regretted not filtering his mouth. He didn't think that his words will have that effect on her. Watching her gasp for air will forever be engraved in his brain.
"I know. I'm sorry. If I could take it back, I will", he apologized.
Michael nodded and proceeded to make her a cup of tea.
"Will you tell the others I'll be coming back tomorrow?" he asked.
He cannot leave Nikita right now. He does not want to.
"Of course, man. I'll cover for you and Mikey…" Michael glanced over to Birkhoff. "…please tell Nikki that I'm sorry and that I am not mad at her?" he requested.
Michael responded with a brief smile before nodding along.
"Will do", he responded before returning to be with Nikita.
