INT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
EUGENE is sleeping in bed. An alarm clock blasts an ear-
piercing chirp, waking him up. He slaps the clock to silence
it, then sits up, yawning and stretching.
INT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
— Bacon sizzles in a skillet.
— Eggs fry in the skillet.
— Four slices of toasted raisin bread pop up from a toaster.
— Four slices of toasted banana bread pop up.
— Four slices of toasted blueberry bread pop up.
As Eugene sets his plate of bacon, eggs, and huge stack of
toast on the kitchen table, a honking horn draws his
attention to the window.
Outside, a bread truck sporting a banner reading "Happy
National Zucchini Bread Day" is parked at the curb.
EUGENE
National Zucchini Bread Day?!
Eugene picks up the toast stack and throws it in the trash.
EXT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - DAY
Eugene runs out the front door and up to the bread truck.
EUGENE
Hey! Gimme some zucchini bread!
The driver, DEXTER, lowers the passenger window.
DEXTER
Hey, Eugene.
EUGENE
Dexter? You drive a bread truck?
DEXTER
I inherited it from my uncle.
EUGENE
Oh. So is the zucchini bread free
on account of it being National
Zucchini Bread Day?
DEXTER
Yes, but you have to go on a
journey and fight the evil Zucchini
Witch to get it.
EUGENE
Okay!
Eugene opens the passenger door and gets in.
EXT. COTTAGE - DAY
The bread truck, now covered in camouflage bed sheets, pulls
up in front of a country cottage.
Inside the truck, Dexter and Eugene scope out the
surroundings.
DEXTER
That's the witch's lair. On this
day her powers are the weakest and
a human can defeat her in combat,
but only a master of toast can hope
to be triumphant.
EUGENE
That's me! I love toast!
DEXTER
Then you must face this battle on
your own.
EUGENE
Uh, okay. So what do I do?
DEXTER
Run up to the cottage. You will be
attacked by fireballs along the
way. Let them hit you.
EUGENE
Let them hit me?
DEXTER
Then you must hurl yourself through
the window and run around inside
the cottage, spreading the fire as
much as you can.
EUGENE
Oh.
DEXTER
And if the witch appears, you must
yell, "Dexter is the best!" and set
her on fire too.
EUGENE
And then I get zucchini bread?
DEXTER
Sure, whatever.
EUGENE
This sounds like it involves a lot
of fire. I'd better text Sherman.
Eugene takes out his phone and starts texting.
DEXTER
Leave Sherman out of this.
EUGENE
(texting)
He can bring over some
extinguishers.
DEXTER
No one but us must know of today's
conquest over evil.
VELMA steps out of the cottage and sweeps the walkway.
DEXTER
There she is!
EUGENE
(texting)
Hang on.
Dexter grabs the phone and throws it down.
DEXTER
Look!
Eugene notices Velma.
EUGENE
That's Velma.
DEXTER
Yes!
EUGENE
Your estranged wife is a witch?
DEXTER
You bet she is! And now's the time
to strike!
EUGENE
(jolting to attention)
Oh, uh, what do I do again?
DEXTER
Run up there screaming! Do it for
the zucchini bread!
EUGENE
(raising a fist)
For the zucchini bread!
Eugene opens the door and leaps out. Velma stops sweeping and
nonchalantly watches as he runs up screaming and comes to a
halt in front of her.
VELMA
Hi, Eugene.
EUGENE
Hi, Velma.
He looks around and raises his hands in confusion.
EUGENE
There were supposed to be
fireballs.
VELMA
Did Dexter put you up to this?
EUGENE
He sure did.
VELMA
I inherited this cottage from my
uncle, who was a pyrotechnics
expert, so Dexter thinks the place
is guarded by flamethrowers. He's
just jealous that all he got from
his own dead uncle was a truck full
of stale bread.
EUGENE
Okay. Do you have any zucchini
bread?
VELMA
I'll tell you what...
She reaches around the corner inside the cottage door and
pulls out a briefcase.
VELMA
If you get Dexter to sign these
divorce papers, I'll give you a
month's worth of coupons for
zucchini bread.
EUGENE
Awesome!
Eugene takes the briefcase and hums to himself as he walks
back to the bread truck and gets in.
DEXTER
What the hell happened? What's
that?
Eugene passes the briefcase to Dexter.
EUGENE
She said that if you sign these
divorce papers -
DEXTER
And give up my share of the
cottage? I'll sign these papers
when she's burning in hell!
Dexter throws the briefcase down and it springs open,
triggering a built-in, automated flamethrower mechanism that
shoots flames against the wall of the truck.
DEXTER
Shit!
Eugene and Dexter flee from the bread truck as fire bursts
from it, catching the back of Dexter's jacket and spreading
across his shoulders.
DEXTER
Oh god, it got me!
He drops to the ground and rolls around.
VELMA
Pyrotechnics, motherfucker!
EUGENE
So... about those coupons...
VELMA
There aren't any, idiot!
EUGENE
Ah shoot.
A pickup truck full of fire extinguishers pulls up.
EUGENE
Sherman!
SHERMAN leans out the diver window.
SHERMAN
All right, so what you need all
these fire extinguishers for?
He looks at the burning bread truck and Dexter, who sits up
enough to rip off his smoldering jacket before collapsing
back down.
SHERMAN
(beat)
It better be good.
Sherman raises a sandwich made with zucchini bread to his
mouth and takes a bite.
EUGENE
Where'd you get zucchini bread?!
SHERMAN
They're giving it away at the
bakery, 'cause it's National Zucchi-
EUGENE
Let's go there right now!
SHERMAN
(shrugs)
Fine by me.
Eugene hurries into the pickup truck, which drives away as
Velma watches.
VELMA
Dumbass.
She looks over at a nearly passed-out Dexter.
VELMA
Goddamn it, Dexter, you messed up
my lawn!
THE END
