Assignment 6: Hostile Hospitality
Alu found herself in the last place she ever thought she'd be.
Kunikida's apartment.
Fukuzawa had given them a health update on Ranpo. He would be fine. He just needed sleep, according to Yosano. Since Fukuzawa didn't want to harshly implicate the girl without further evidence, he had requested Kunikida and Dazai just keep an eye on her and try to get more information—if she had any— in a less stressful manner.
Normally, the ADA members would have placed a prisoner of war type in a cell but since they couldn't prove she intentionally meant to harm Ranpo, and the president had merely said to 'keep an eye' on her, Dazai had suggested perhaps not 'scaring' her more. Alu wasn't scared, but she did find it odd that Dazai was being so gentlemanly. He was seriously weird.
Sitting now on the couch, looking around, she was not surprised at how neat and orderly everything was. Even the dust was nonexistent. Kunikida was in the kitchen, while Dazai sat in a chair, near Alu, just reading one of his novels. Kunikida had been adamantly opposed to going to Dazai's place, haha.
It was actually rather quiet and uneventful.
"I'm so bored…" Alu muttered with a groan, rubbing her head with her hands. "Agh, how long does it take to cook food?"
Dazai quirked a brow at her. "This is Kunikida. Everything has to be perfect."
"Welp. We're starving then," Alu dead-panned.
Dazai giggled.
Alu was not sure if that was a good thing or not.
"You know, I have to wonder how you managed to keep an eye on us for so long…without any one of us noticing," Dazai hummed, thoughtfully.
"It wasn't hard," Alu dead-ass flatly said.
Dazai blinked.
"You guys have this cafe you like to go to, or coffee shop or whatever the heck. It basically is always noisy with you lot there," Alu said, with a sigh. She just put her feet up on the couch, crossing her legs, her head in her arms as she looked up at the ceiling.
"…Wait, you've just been watching us from there?" Dazai sounded bemused.
"More or less. I don't follow you around all day, jeez. I'm only one person," Alu huffed. "I have a life too, you know?"
"…" Dazai didn't comment.
Alu wondered if she could somehow escape tonight while they were sleeping. Yeah. Weirdly enough, and she knew this mostly because Ranpo was recovering nicely— she hadn't been thrown into a dark crusty cell or something. But, this still felt more awkward. Alu had no problem bunking with other dudes, on her travels she used to hang out with guys all the time, but she knew that 'socially', a woman staying with a man or two and they weren't roommates or something more was ~scandalous~ in the judgemental eyes of society.
Well, screw society.
It was because of society and weird social stigmas that Alu had such a hard time keeping guys from just seeing her as something to 'obtain'. She wanted to be viewed as a person, not just a 'woman'. Ugh. And yet, she knew it was possible to be friends with men that didn't entirely just have obsessive intimacy on the brain. She was wary for obvious reasons about Dazai. His shameless flirting told her one thing. He was a skilled player and didn't care about the feelings of those he was pursuing.
As for Kunikida.
Well. He in his current state was utterly hopeless in the romance department, lol.
"Is there a reason you didn't mention me and stuff when you were talking with Kyouka-Chan?" Dazai asked, innocently.
Oh, he was actually hanging onto that little detail? Alu thought that was hilarious. "…You were hardly contributing anything worthwhile at those cafe talks," she deadpanned, giving him this look of 'could care less'.
Dazai pursed his lips. "Eh…." Well, it's true he was full of antics when not at work. "You should see me at work! I am actually quite serious!" He pouted.
"I'll believe that when I see it," Alu deadpanned.
"…" Agh…so honest. Her brutal words smacked into Dazai like a boulder cracking over his head.
Alu huffed looking away. "I am so bored." She reiterated with a groan.
"You could read or write something," Dazai said, eyeing her over his book. Alu had a feeling he'd been watching her not the book this whole time.
"Hm, you're right." Alu sat up. She pulled out her small red notebook. She pulled out a pen and began to scribble furiously. Dazai watched her, honestly intrigued.
"What are you writing about? Ah. Did I inspire you?" He cheekily grinned.
"You did, actually," Alu admitted.
Dazai blinked. "Oh~ho? I'm flattered. I wanna read it when you're done!"
"Sure," Alu said brightly. "I like feedback on my work."
Dazai tilted his head. This girl claimed to just be a writer and 'good Samaritan' passing through. On the outside she actually felt and looked pretty harmless. She didn't have the aura of a bloodied assassin. She didn't come off as having any affiliation. She just came off as odd.
And fun.
She was an enigma.
Finally, a real mystery to solve ~
Dazai smiled behind his book. He hummed a little. Something interesting had crossed his path.
"Hey…" Alu said, pausing her writing after some time passed.
"Mm?" Dazai blinked.
Before their conversations could continue, Kunikida came in, wearing a pink apron, holding two plates of hot rice and Korean beef. "Here, you said you liked meat, and didn't have any allergies so I just whipped up something quick."
Quick as in it took almost an hour and twenty minutes. Not that Alu had been counting… Or Dazai for that matter.
Their stomachs both rumbled comically but neither would admit whose growled louder.
Alu sniffed the food Kunikida prepared. It smelled amazing. Alu stabbed a piece of meat eagerly with her fork and was about to take a bite when Dazai interjected.
His tone was humorous, "You know, that could be laced with poison."
Kunikida shot him a look.
Alu shrugged. "Fine if it is. If I have to die I would prefer it to be through a painless method. Good food is not the worst way to go~" she said, "Thanks for the meal~" and she took a bite.
Dazai's eyes sparkled. "Someone after my own heart," he simpered.
"You can keep it," Alu rejected him immediately.
Dazai pouted. "Uwah…so cold…"
Kunikida huffed, aggravated. "I do not poison people who have yet to be given a proper verdict!"
Alu's eyes bugged. "Whoa…you mean…you actually…" she just stared at Kunikida.
Dazai was inwardly laughing, body quivering from a barely contained fit of giggling. Her expression was honestly too funny.
"…We are on the side of the law but there are times when drastic measures are required to ensure the safety of others…" Kunikida admitted, bitter.
"…dude, what the hell kind of motto at the agency are you guys running?" Alu deadpanned, waving her fork at Kunikida.
"That's none of your business," Kunikida haughtily replied.
God, Alu wanted to hit this man.
Dazai giggled, interrupting the both of them. "Now, now, Kunikida. You're going to give her a terrible first impression when you talk like that!"
Alu wondered if he meant about Kunikida or the agency, lol.
"I don't care what she thinks of me, I care that we follow our orders and prevent her from causing any more damage," Kunikida barked.
"…Hey," Alu's disquieted tone made the other two men pause. Alu's expression was clouded. She glared at Kunikida. "I had no intention of hurting your detective friend. You can't spell 'assumption' without 'ass' and you're acting like one now."
Dazai pursed his lips.
He knew if he laughed Kunikida would strangle him. Not a bad idea. Maybe it'd release some of this tension. Of course, that girl was proving to be more and more interesting. "Even if that is true," he said, tilting his head at Alu. Kunikida looked insulted in the background and ready to retort but a sharp look from Dazai made Kunikida actually pause. "You managed to knock back another one of our agents earlier today with just a touch. So, I suppose, what I'm interested in knowing is…care to tell us about your ability?" He brightly beamed.
Kunikida spluttered. "Dazai! She's not just going to tell us because we ask nicely!"
Alu was quiet.
She looked at the food.
She began to nibble on it, thoughtful.
"I…don't have one."
That statement hung in the air.
Dazai kept smiling. Inwardly he wanted to think she was trying to fool him. But the way she spoke, her tone, her demeanor…it didn't feel like an act. Hohoho, someone who was clearly as good at pulling the wool over someone's eyes as Dazai, mayhaps?
Dazai prided himself on his intuition although his intuition must be a bit off—not broken, because nothing would ever break Dazai's level of unsurprised intellect and cunning— because he got the impression she was telling the truth.
Kunikida huffed. "See? Told you. She won't tell us."
Alu rolled her eyes. She stabbed her next piece of meat and flung it at Kunikida's face. Splat. It smacked comically in between his eyes, a perfect shot.
Dazai bit his tongue so he wouldn't bust a rib, laughing.
Kunikida looked ready to rage. "Why you—!" He rubbed his forehead furiously, glasses jostled.
"Kunikida, that's enough now!" Dazai chided, with a snicker. "Or are we going to have a food fight now?" His eyes sparkled at the thought. He picked up his own meat, eyes glinting mischievously at Kunikida.
"No flinging food anywhere!" Kunikida barked, his ponytail zigzagging. He looked very menacing in his pink apron as he grabbed Dazai hilariously by his shirt collar.
"Uwah~ not so rough," Dazai simpered.
Alu got the impression these two were always going to be a terrible match up. And yet, for some reason, they worked well together.
Although Alu tilted her head, her brow furrowed. "Hey…Kida Bear?"
Dazai paused.
Kunikida paused.
His head turned slowly. "What did you call me?" He sounded completely put off.
Dazai, however, could hardly stop his facial muscles from forming a Cheshire Cat smirk.
"Oh, well, you look like an angry bear most of the time so I'm calling you 'Kida Bear'…" Alu said with a shrug.
"You will address me —as your superior— as Doppo-San!" Kunikida hissed.
Alu raised her eyebrows. "You don't have Atsushi-kun doing that."
"You're not Atsushi-kun," Kunikida retorted.
Alu sighed. Well, he had a point.
"Kida Bear? I like it," Dazai smirked mischievously.
"Dazai, don't you dare start calling me that or I will strangle you!" Kunikida said, already in the process of doing such a thing.
Neither Alu or Dazai humorously felt like pointing that out. Alu just took another bite of her beef. It looked like she was in for a long night. "I'm just curious why you brought me back to your place…if I'm a threat and all."
Kunikida huffed, letting go of Dazai—to Dazai's disappointment. Kunikida folded his arms, and huffed again. "Well we're short on other options and besides, you said you'd cooperate." He glowered. "Don't make me regret it."
Alu sweated. "Yes, sir." She saluted him, dutifully.
Dazai snickered. He couldn't tell if she was being snarky or not but it looked like Kunikida was still a natural at instilling fear in his "foes"—innocent people lol— with just a glance and a few deep baritone threats. Haha, how amusing as always~
"I won't run." Alu said firmly but she sighed. "Trust me, I've gone over my exit strategies and somehow I have a feeling your eager beaver womanizing friend here would rather handcuff me to something heavy all night long," she deadpanned.
Dazai's lips pursed like he was sucking on a lemon. He was going to have a hard time not breaking a rib tonight—figuratively. And it wouldn't even be because of Kunikida's usual rough lecturing that made Dazai amused. "Ah, what makes you think I would do that?"
Alu shrugged. "Well, how did you plan to restrain me?" She asked, gazing at him.
She really thought Dazai was going to handcuff her to something?
Dazai sighed. "Really, you have so little regard for my true character," he whined. Actually, he had planned to use handcuffs, darn it. Now if he did, he'd be proving her right. Ah…time for a plan B~
"Ah, though now that I think about it," Alu said, thoughtfully. "I could just call the police on you both for holding me against my will on false charges," she said cutely, tilting her head at them both. "After all, I'm a cute little lady trapped in a room with two big strong men and left in a promiscuous situation of not being allowed to freely leave as I would want~" She began to slide her coat off her shoulders in a promiscuous way, giving them both big alligator-tear eyes.
Dazai and Kunikida both doom faced comically.
Oh crap. She actually could do that. She was totally within her rights to do so. And if they did knock her out—that would just implicate them further. Even Dazai was at a loss for words—LMAO.
"Thanks for the meal though!" She brightly said, dabbing her face with a napkin daintily. She got up and stretched. "Well, I'll see you boys around~"
She grinned at them before she left out the front door—as easily as she'd come in. Leaving Kunikida and Dazai stunned into silence.
Had she just logically progressed her way out of her detainment?
"Women are scary…" Dazai whined. "I kinda wanna flirt more with her now…" He added with a small 'piku' smile, little pink ovals on his cheeks as he blushed, holding his face now.
"Dazai, please shut up."
Kunikida inwardly had to agree with his first half of his comment with a grimace. Even if they held her against her will, if she did press charges, it wasn't like Kunikida was the type of person to deny when he himself was doing something morally ambiguous. If she was innocent and had no affiliation, then they would essentially have been kidnapping an innocent person. "But then, why did she come back with us?"
"To prove her innocence, obviously," Dazai yawned. "Hey Kida Bear~ can I have some more?" He held out his plate cutely to Kunikida. Kunikida's vein popped.
Suddenly both men blinked as something dawned on them. "Hey… did you happen to catch her name?" Kunikida gruffly asked Dazai.
Dazai smiled at him. "It slipped my mind." It was the face of a man who somehow couldn't believe even he had forgotten that small detail.
Both men realized belatedly they'd forgotten to ask the girl for the most basic of information—-lol.
—-
A/N: Just wanted some hilarious campy fun times with Kunikida, Dazai, and Alu. There's not really a lot of that in BSD Tails of Japan. So here was fun~~~
Side theatre 1: Dazai Reads something other than Suicide Part 1
Dazai wanted to know what Alu was writing in her little red book. He takes it while she is distracted by how cute Kyouka-Chan is in a maid outfit—lol. Going down a hallway to avoid work at the office he hums as he flips it open. "Let's see here….."
The contents make Dazai's facial expression go hilariously detailed. It is smut. Lol~
Contents:
"ah, wait," Dazai groaned as Kunikida's strong manly digits caressed his bandaged throat. "If you do that…I'll get excited."
"You antagonize me knowing what will happen," Kunikida's baritone was gravelly and husky as he pushed Dazai down onto the one person futon. He began to take off the ribbon from his own shirt collar. "…if you don't want to die, you should stop courting Death."
"But, Death and I are old friends," Dazai whined. "It's natural to develop feelings~"
Kunikida loomed over Dazai, pinning his bandaged wrists with his own big hand. Though Dazai didn't look it, his frame was leaner, more slender—- like a woman's. "Then go join Death already," he said, moving to Dazai's shirt and vest. He did away with these articles of clothing with ease, before exposing Dazai's bandaged chest.
"Are you jealous~" Dazai teased, a glint of mischievous devilishness in his burnt sienna glazed expression. His body felt hot where he was touched. A man who found thrill in exposing himself to dangerous people and situations, Kunikida was a high he could keep on chasing forever.
"Isn't it obvious?" Kunikida glared, his eyes on Dazai.
Dazai saw his reflection a little in those lenses. He tensed, and he took the glasses off of Kunikida's face with a small smirk, kissing his eyes instead. "Your honesty is almost as cute as you are," he puffed out lightly in a chuckle.
"Shut up." Kunikida snagged Dazai, biting his lower lip. The kiss was rough. Just like how Dazai liked it. Their relationship was turbulent. The bedroom changed nothing about it. Dazai moaned wantonly as Kunikida grinded their clothed hips together.
"Ah…Kunikida…"
"Your body is the only honest thing about you," Kunikida huskily whispered into Dazai's burning earlobe, as he mercilessly rocked his hips against Dazai.
"Mm…more…" Dazai mewled.
He shuts the book. Expression hard to make out but comical.
"Mewled?" He questioned though nobody was nearby.
End part 1.
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