Assignment 11: How to Catch A Crook By Their Tail

Fukuzawa was seriously concerned about his poor baby red bean bun… Yosano went over and quickly grabbed Ranpo, tugging him back over to the benches. "Okay, if anyone has any ideas for how to deal with this, I'm all ears," she said, looking at Dazai.

Dazai blinked. Why was she looking at him? He had no clue how to handle Ranpo like this, if anything, he'd take advantage for the shits and giggles. Ah, if only they weren't in all out war. This would have been so much funnier. He sighed. "We could give him a sugar crash so he sleeps," he said brightly.

Yosano nodded. Babysitting Ranpo was hilariously harder to handle when he was not like this. The current him sparkled when Yosano unwrapped a candy pop and gave it to him.

Kunikida cracked his knuckles from a nervous habit. "I could help restrain him."

No one thought that was a good idea, haha.

Dazai had previously explained the teams.

Team A: (offense) Kunikida and Tanizaki.

Team B: (offense) Dazai and Atsushi

Team C: (defense) Kenji, Ranpo(?), Yosano, Fukuzawa

"I can hold my silence no longer. I had an interesting run in with that young lady," Fukuzawa said abruptly.

Everyones' eyes widened.

"You found her?" Kunikida asked sharply. "Where is she?"

Fukuzawa creased his brow.

The others sensed something wrong. Ranpo stared at Fukuzawa, like a sleepy baby animal.

"Boss?" Dazai asked, curious.

"…She…has chosen to take my place, as bait to keep the Port Mafia off of our trail," he said deadly serious.

Fukuzawa's words echoed.

—-

The cat was a fat one.

Tri-colored.

Orange, dark brown, and white.

He sat nonchalantly at a secretary's desk on a small pillow. But the cat was sweating. That's right. He had the capacity to sweat. Because there was someone far scarier than they ever imagined staring them down currently.

A young unfamiliar woman.

She beamed at the cat now, hands on her hips. "Alright, Sensei~ here's how this is gonna work," she said bossily to the cat. "You will sit there and be the cute little useless Macfluffin* you are, okay?"

The cat made a pitiful meow, though it was hard to tell if he was agreeing or really just being a cat. Alu hummed, turning away now. "Sticking around that poor secretary that thinks you're just a cat—what a perv." She made almond shaped eyes comically. "Although if she does know what you really are then that actually makes things even weirder," she huffed.

The cat just stayed sitting on the secretary's desk, where he had been placed, when Alu had caught him trying to flee earlier from her arms~lol. Funnily enough when he had tried to flee from the room—the vicinity, some invisible force had turned his fat little cat legs to jelly. So here he was, a piece of furry jello, unable to go anywhere, haha.

She had the look of a demon, eyes glinting maniacally as she grabbed the cat attempting to flee from his perch. "Try to run and I'll castrate you myself," she said, with a sparkly grin.

The cat had no doubt. He meowed pitifully.

Alu just turned away. "Aw, don't look at me like that. You know, you're the one who sits around doing absolutely nothing while others are putting their lives on the line to carry out your supposed idealized 'dream'," she said, her eyes dark as she glared at the cat now, with a small head tilt and a leer.

There was very little warmth in these eyes at the moment.

It was like a light had gone out and had been replaced by a pair of dark stars."…You once told someone close to me that 'those who take lives have no right to write about the lives of others…' How hypocritical of you, don't you think? The lives in a story or the lives in real life…Regardless of the circumstances, no one person has the right to tell someone who wishes to write about those lives whether or not they have that right or not. A writer's purpose is to keep those lives alive in a person's heart."

The cat blinked. The cat looked down.

Alu crossed her arms, leaning against the desk, settled next to the cat now. "I didn't expect you to allow me to drag you back to the office honestly but I guess it makes sense. You have to make sure your 'house of cards' doesn't topple, right?" She giggled. "You're kinda cute as a cat. However, no matter what form you take, you're still just a big pussy in the end~ ain'tcha."

Alu slipped a small device under the cat's bed. It was turned off but now a small red recording light played. The cat meowed. Alu quirked a brow. "Don't give me that. I'm doing this because I want to protect them too, you know?"

The cat gave her a look.

Alu menacingly grabbed him by an ear. The cat meowed indignantly. Alu returned the look. It looked like she was having some battle of wills—-with a cat—-which is exactly what Chuuya Nakahara, one of the Port Mafia Executives walked in on—LOL.

Chuuya just looked at her.

Alu looked at him.

They comically exchanged a moment of silence. "…"

Everyones' eyes widened at Fukuzawa's admission of what that girl was up to at the moment.

"But why?" Atsushi exclaimed in horror. "What happened!"

"That's what I'd like to know as well," Dazai said, voice uncharacteristically serious. He frowned.

"I was only told not to interfere," Fukuzawa said bitterly. "She said to trust you, and your original tactic plan," he gazed at Dazai. "She knows more about not just us as well. She knew who the leader of The Port Mafia was."

Everyone was stunned.

Dazai's expression was unreadable.

Kunikida's jaw dropped. "We had such a valuable vat of information and we just let it get away! Damn!" He held his head, having a hernia.

"Really? Scary…." Atsushi whimpered.

"You already met him yourself in your fight against Montgomery," Fukuzawa bluntly stated.

Atsushi looked at him dumbly. "No, there was just a greasy old guy who helped me out. He used to be a doctor…and he was looking for a little girl…"

Dazai's expression was dark. "That was him."

Atsushi and the others weren't used to seeing Dazai look so moody. Kunikida frowned. Guess even Dazai didn't like folks over there just as much as the rest of them after all. "…"

Fukuzawa nodded. It had clearly been weighing on him.

"Where did she go?" Atsushi flustered and asked worriedly. "Is she actually helping us?"

"She looked like she came out of a scuffle prior to meeting me," Fukuzawa thought about how she had pointed out the tracking markers that he had so carelessly overlooked. And he had done nothing to even ask about her own well-being. He'd been so self-absorbed in the concerns he felt for his own people he had forgotten the basic rule of just caring about another person. Why would someone go to such lengths to help him—even in that state— if they didn't have good intentions? Maybe she was just lying. Maybe it was an act. But Fukuzawa grit his teeth, gazing at Ranpo. She had tried to warn Ranpo before to not try to use 'Super Deduction' on her.

They had been the ones who had not heeded her warning.

Fukuzawa himself felt solely responsible for how things turned out. It was a miracle the Port Mafia hadn't realized by now that Ranpo was out for the count. And now? That girl…

Fukuzawa watched as she rubbed Fukuzawa's hands against her own.

"And there we go, it's still got some traces but wash your hands before heading back," she said brightly.

"What are you going to do?" Fukuzawa asked, curt and worried.

Alu grinned at him. "I'm not a big fan of what that Port Mafia boss or The Guild is doing to your group either," she admitted. "I think it's time we figure out which one is actually pulling the shots here though. Judging from the markers this screams that immature Saturday morning cartoon villain…"

Fukuzawa pursed his lips. It was not the time to laugh. But her description of Mori was to say the least, amusing. "So, you do know who we both are."

"More or less," Alu continued. "But I only know about him because I encountered him back when Montgomery attacked Atsushi-kun."

"He was there?" Fukuzawa asked, eyes widening, tone sharp.

"Yes," Alu replied. "…he was the one that ensured Atsushi-kun was able to win against that girl."

That admission made Fukuzawa furrowed his brow. That didn't sound right. Mori wouldn't help someone out that wasn't his own business. If anything, if he had been there he would have been more than enough to scare Montgomery away all on his own.

Why hadn't Atsushi known? He would have said something. Surely. Which meant only the girl knew—somehow.

So why had he stopped to help Atsushi?

Fukuzawa wrinkled his nose.

The thought of Mori Ogai being nice made him want to barf. No, perhaps he wanted to analyze Atsushi's skill at work. That was most likely it. Or enjoy gloating in the demise of the captured ADA agents.

Yeah, nothing like actually wanting to help.

Not possible.

People like Mori don't change.

"You know," Alu said, tilting her head at Fukuzawa now. "You wear exactly what you're feeling on your face," she giggled.

Fukuzawa hadn't realized he looked like a tight lipped Buddhist monk meditation statue. He tried to relax his facial muscles. "My apologies," he said, awkwardly.

This girl's demeanor was so relaxed despite how tense the situation was. It was actually helping Fukuzawa's nerves. Alu patted his sleeve with her elbow since her hands were covered in tracking stuff. "Your people need you, go."

"…What if you need me, too?" Fukuzawa found himself asking, worried.

His earlier anger had dissipated. She didn't mean them any harm. He just couldn't bring himself to believe that. Alu gave him a small smile. "They need you more," she said logically. "Besides, I operate best when left to my own devices."

Well, she had a point. Fukuzawa's face twisted, unable to decide what he should do.

"President Fukuzawa,"The girl said seriously. "… Whatever is being planned. Stick to your normal deployment tactics already established by Osamu," she said, and Fukuzawa noted how she formally avoided using his first name.

"Fukuzawa-San, you and Ero-San* may not agree on a lot but I think you both have the desire to prevent as many casualties if you can help it to your own sides," Alu gazed at Fukuzawa and he honestly didn't know what he was seeing. "But…I need you to refrain from sinking to his level. There is no need for any more unnecessary death. Your organization…don't you want it to be different—to be better because it doesn't resort to killing in order to have the ends justify the means?"

*lol polite and insulting at the same time, hahahahhaa

Fukuzawa was going to counter that how he ran his organization was none of her business but his throat died comically like someone shoved hot coal down it.

The girl had tears in her eyes.

But her eyes were like gazing into the flame of a star on fire itself.

He turned away, unable to hold that fiery tempered gaze. She was right. What would Natsume-Sensei even say, watching his good student sink to that monster's level?

He resigned to his own resolve. Perhaps he'd spent too long in the shadows after all. This girl was like a beam of light cutting through the dusty blinds of a dark room.

Ah that reminded him.

"What's your….."

He turned back around but the girl was gone like a phantom.

Ranpo, who was giggling now and slid from Yosano's grip like he was made of water—like a cat—and was now trying to glom onto Kunikida comically. His loud fits of laughter brought Fukuzawa back to the present.

"Kunikida~ let's play!" He said brightly.

Kunikida flustered. "Wha—Ranpo! No!"

Perhaps it'd be humorous at another time. Dazai definitely had ideas for a 'high' Ranpo that would be fun to implement—cuz he's still a troll— but at the moment, with their 'ace' down and the Port Mafia on the move, the situation did call for some action of their own to be taken.

"That…remains to be seen." Fukuzawa gazed at the others. He shut his eyes for a moment. He walked over to Dazai and he pulled out something from his sleeve. "She told me you'd know what to do with this."

Dazai blinked, looking at what was in his hand. "An earbud?"

—-

Chuuya didn't know what to make of this. But glancing at his tracker he realized immediately what had happened.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Alu cheekily said, picking up 'Mii-chan', as the calico was so affectionately referred to in the office.

"You…"

"Report," Mori commanded still on Chuuya's phone.

"Boss, it's some girl and a cat."

"…What?"

Mori had a hilariously terrible look on his face like he'd swallowed something that didn't sit right. Elise-Chan looked at that and trotted over. "Rintaro? Why do you look even dumber than usual?"

Mori grimaced. "Ah, Elise-Chan… it would seem…I was given the 'slip'…so to speak…"

"You lost the point to the ADA?" Elise-Chan blinked. And then she laughed. "That's what you get for being so old!"

Mori pouted. "Now, Elise-Chan," he whimpered. "I am still in my prime!"

"The only thing 'prime' left in your life is the steak you order!" Elise-Chan cackled. "Seriously!"

"Ah, boss," Chuuya continued. He didn't mean to interrupt but they did have a pressing matter to tend to. After all, their negotiations depended on originally smoking out the ADA. This was not the development they had been expecting. For someone like Mori, that was a huge hit to his ego—boo hoo.

"Um, how should I proceed?" Chuuya didn't throw punches without assessing his situation first. And he definitely didn't know what to make of this course of events. However, it was clear to both him and Mori that this girl had to be working for someone on the opposing side.

"We're not savages, introduce yourself," Mori said, bemused.

"Uh, right," Chuuya cutely awkwardly fumbled. He glanced at Alu who was just smiling, petting Mii-Chan.

"Isn't 'Mii-Chan cute?" Alu said brightly.

Mori's eyes widened slightly. He remembered what Akutagawa had told him.

Akutagawa had been confused but he had reported to Mori after seeing this woman in action— on her own side—that she seemed to 'defy' other peoples' abilities. It was different from Dazai's ability to cancel them. But when he asked her, at the time, she merely said, 'I don't have an ability.'

So, it's that woman again… how interesting.

"Sure, I guess," Chuuya said, awkward. He had come itching for a fight against the ADA and that damn Dazai—-but this?

Alu beckoned him over. "Seriously, why do you people always assume the worst? Come and pet the kitty with me!" She said jovially, picking up Mii-Chan now. The cat mreowled indignantly but Alu just spun with the cat, giggling.

Chuuya was confused. This person wasn't stressed at all? Did she not know who he was? No, that wasn't it. That actually, was the opposite. Chuuya's eyes flashed. "You—you already know who I am?"

Alu paused, spinning with the cat. "Wow, you're flexing more than just your arm muscles," she said bemused. "Dazai told me who you were!"

Chuuya anger-dokied. He would totally hit her if he wasn't trying to be civil and a gentleman. "You—!" He clenched his teeth.

Mori on the other end, pursed his lips. It was hard to say what he was thinking. "Chuuya, that person… I would like to talk with them," he said casually.

Chuuya blinked. "Are you sure?" He sounded wary. For good reason. Just bringing some strange girl to their boss was like handing a loaded gun to the enemy and placing Mori as a direct target in the line of fire.

"She clearly wants something, or she wouldn't be here," Mori simply replied. "Everything has a logical explanation," he concluded.

Chuuya's expression was mixed. But, well, he wasn't the boss. He sighed, looking at Alu. "Boss…would like to meet you."

"Oh, tell him I'm booked through 'Nevermber'," Alu said brightly.

Chuuya pursed his lips. He really wanted to hog-tie her.

Dazai wanted to take notes. He was listening through his earbud at the moment. His expression was bemused-to say the least.

Chuuya shuddered. She was giving off vibes like a certain someone that left a terrible horrible taste in Chuuya's mouth. Ugh. "Put her on," Mori said through Chuuya's speaker, though muffled since it wasn't turned on.

"Hai, hai!" Alu said brightly as Chuuya just tossed his phone to her using his ability. No point hiding it, since she knew about it. But not many actually did know about Chuuya's ability unless they'd had contact. Most didn't dare disclose that information. But this person felt different. Chuuya couldn't recall ever meeting her.

"Ah, we meet again," Mori said lightly.

Chuuya's eyes widened. His boss didn't sound surprised? Wait, did that mean…this person also knew the identity of the Head of the Port Freaking Mafia!? Not only that, was it that girl that had made Akutagawa's ability tuck tail and retreat? Chuuya's jaw subtly dropped in his mind as he had a funny reckoning internally, haha.

"Are you eating well?" Alu asked, "Make sure you're taking care of yourself in your old age," she cheekily added.

Chuuya discreetly turned his head away. His expression was mixed. Alu plopped the cat into his arms, comically, holding the phone now. Chuuya blinked. "Wha—-hey?!"

"Hold the kitty, will you? He feels so lonely since you Mafia folks scared away all the people~" she said, with a pout. "Take some responsibility for leaving a poor defenseless kitty on his own! His poor secretary is in hiding right now, you know!"

Mori's expression hardened.

Coincidence?

No.

Mori began to smile. Then he began to laugh. This person was perhaps just as cunning as someone like his own former protege. How fun. Wonder if he put her up to this just to mix things up a bit. The idea that Dazai was putting some thought into this thrilled Mori. He enjoyed what limited exchange he could get and considering it'd been four years, he was kinda desperate….

Alu held the phone away from her ear in disgust. Elise-Chan's expression mirrored her own in that moment.

"So, tell me what the Mafia thinks they'll achieve by turning on the ADA," Alu said brightly, addressing Mori directly.

"We were never friends," Mori admitted.

"No, but you are supposed to be allies," Alu bluntly stated. "Or do you just plan to wipe out the ADA and cause inbalance in this city?" Her tone was light as an arrow that had just been strung on a bow and was waiting for the big release.

Mori froze.

The cat meanwhile was enjoying the heaven of belly rubs that Chuuya was offhandedly giving it. He was trying to take the situation seriously, but he also felt compelled to not leave the poor stressed cat alone. What a good boy, Chuuya~

"Allies doesn't mean friendship—although that would make things actually more ideal, but it does mean that when something is happening that you work together instead of trying to tear each other apart," Alu bluntly stated. "Do you really think bringing your petty feud with Fukuzawa through the dirt on top of The Guild's current threat to national security, is a great way to spend your resources? You're a man of logic, but you're doing a terrible job utilizing common sense." Ah, and just like that, a shot was fired.

"Oi," Chuuya glared at her, darkly. He didn't know crap, but he knew how to throw a punch. "You have no right to address—!"

"Stand down, that's an order." It was cold and direct. It was Mori showing he wasn't playing anymore.

Chuuya bristled, despite holding the cat, honestly the soft furry thing was keeping him from unleashing his anti-gravity right then and there. Even if her reasoning actually made sense, Chuuya was loyal to Mori. And she was insulting him. Heart trumps logic every time. Chuuya was a great example of that.

Alu took one look at that intimidating, 5'3 mafioso in a fedora, petting the calico cat, whilst glaring her down, and she puckered her lips.

Snap. Snap.

She used his phone to take photos. It was too priceless to pass up.

She turned away, in a fit of barely controlled laughter.

"Don't laugh!" Chuuya yelled. "And don't send that!" He yelled suddenly, horrified, realizing that Alu was using his phone to send photographic evidence of his current state to herself. The cat fuzzed and Chuuya growled, putting the cat down on the ground now, crouched, ready for a fight.

Currently, Dazai, Mori's former protege, had to stop what he was currently doing, to control his fits of giggles. He had checked his phone, feeling it vibrate and saw that photograph of angry Chuuya holding the cat, that Dazai dubbed, "Sensei". He recognized that cat immediately as it was one that both showed up at the bar he liked to frequent and was called 'Mii-chan' at the office— and it was honestly just worth gold. It was like she was being a troll.

Chuuya wouldn't be able to live this hilarious photo down!

Dazai would make certain of that.

He tapped the earbud in his ear, thoughtful. This girl was handling herself remarkably well. Dazai was honestly impressed. Fukuzawa had him and Atsushi patrolling for any signs of The Guild activity or Kyouka-Chan's whereabouts at the moment. Though, Dazai almost would rather be where the action with Chuuya was. However, Fukuzawa forbade it considering there may be more Port Mafia personnel lying in wait.

Ugh.

Logic wins.

And yet, Dazai felt actually annoyed.

The cat quivered. Chuuya's attack power decreased as the cat walked over to the girl and sat at her feet, beginning to groom itself innocently. Using a cat as a shield was something he wouldn't put past Dazai. This person….

"I see," Mori said, voice cool. "You think you are capable of giving me a lecture?"

Alu glared, gazing at Chuuya now, her eyes narrowed. Chuuya sensed she was directing negative emotion but it wasn't at him, in particular. But he blinked. She was analyzing him, and then she just sighed, leaning against the desk with the cat bed. "So that's your plan? You laid out some bait for The Guild to pursue…bait that means something to the ADA. You sent John Steinbeck and HP Lovecraft after their secretaries!"

Chuuya's eyes widened. "You—I never said anything!" He said, horrified.

On the other end of this declaration, a pair of dark burnt sienna eyes widened. From where he stood outside on patrol with Atsushi, it was clear—- what The Port Mafia was planning. "No…" Dazai's expression was shocked.

Atsushi looked at him with wide eyes. "Dazai-san?"

Dazai knew what this girl was doing. She was telling them to save Naomi and Haruno-san. "Atsushi-kun, we're going, now!" Dazai shouted, and he took off on his heel.

Even Atsushi was surprised at how serious Dazai was behaving. It must be serious. Meanwhile, Dazai called Fukuzawa.

"Dazai?" Fukuzawa asked.

"I know the plan!" Dazai declared. He relayed to Fukuzawa what Alu was unveiling right now through his earbud.

*hilarious mini theatre where we show how Alu kidnaps a cat leaving Bar Lupin with Kyouka's help of all things. A campy side theatre that has nothing to do with anything Just a dumb idea I thought up lol :'D .

SIDE THEATRE: How I Met Your Sensei

Alu hugged Kyouka in the hotel room. Kyouka had changed her clothes and wore simple clothing now instead of the kimono.

"Can I really do some good?" Kyouka asked, gazing at Alu with big eyes.

"I do believe so," Alu said firmly. She put a hand on Kyouka's shoulder. "That being said, I need your expertise in tailing and catching someone." Her body was sparkling, as she gave Kyouka an approving thumbs up.

"You need me to help you kidnap someone?" Kyouka blinked. Blunt and direct. So cute.

"That's a strong word. Detaining is totally legal as long as you don't get caught," she said brightly.

Kyouka's cowlick swished cutely on her head as she was cutely confused but it must be alright cuz this person said so—LOL~.

Off they went.

The sign was a man in a hat with a monocle. Under it in red lettering, against a white bright backlight, were the words: Bar Lupin

The alley was quiet.

It was uneventful.

Inside the bar, there weren't any people, just the bartender.

Kyouka entered with Alu.

Sitting on a barstool was a rather fat calico cat. Alu gestured to Kyouka. Kyouka went over to the cat to pet it. The cat meowed, and Kyouka smiled.

From outside of the bar, the sounds of a cat suddenly screeching could be heard as the building itself comically jiggled like something out of a looney tunes cartoon episode.

[end.]

A/N:

I don't know, the thought of Alu and Kyouka getting up to shit was just too funny to me. X'D

Until next time! :D Feel free to comment or leave me a love letter! I take both at this time haha.

IF ANYONE HAS SUGGESTIONS FOR SILLY DUMB SIDE THEATRES I'm ALL EARS I'll credit the 'side theatre' idea to your handle on A03 if you wish. I LOVE MESSING WITH THE CAST HERE outside of the fanfic storyline as well XD