Praimfaya
The moment she looked up and saw the height of the tower, Clarke knew that her fate was sealed. The nightblood solution wouldn't hold against the death wave that she knew was coming in a matter of minutes, minutes in which she had to climb up the tower, do what needed to be done according to Raven's instructions, climb down, get back to the lab and join the others in time for the rocket to launch. It hadn't been a guarantee before, how could she expect it to be now?
But even with the minimal possibility that it would work, there was simply no way she could do all of that and get back to the lab in the 10 minutes Raven gave her to do it so she could safely launch the rocket back towards the space. And if they waited for her for too long, her friends would die as well, so in that moment she knew she had to do whatever she could to at least all help guarantee their safety by getting this done in time for them to launch into space and towards what is left of the Ark. She sincerely hoped that her talk with Bellamy, about using his head more often instead of being impulsive like he was used to being, would help him now to make the hard choice of leaving without her since it was for the best. It just had to be done.
Clarke looked up once again, and took a deep breath before she recited the grounder's passing phrase 'my fight is over' as the memories of when those words coming from the lips of the love of her life flooded her mind as she continued climbing the tower, step by step. Funny how when she is about to die, she feels free enough to allow herself to admit the truth that she had known for a long time. Despite whatever she had with Niylah, Finn or anything she could have possibly had with anyone else if she had survived this, it was painfully and heartbreakingly obvious to her who was the sole owner of her heart and would always be.
And it was none other than the Commander of the 13 clans, the last true Commander as Roan had referred to her during his speech, the one he made after they had brokered a truce so she could find a way to save them all from Praimfaya. Lexa was a part of her, the other half of her soul and much like all the losses she experienced on earth, they barely had time to be together, to explore their feelings and each other, to even get to know each other really, and on top of that, she had even less time to grieve her love's death with an crazy AI trying to destroy everyone and an apocalypse coming their way.
However, now as she reaches the middle of the tower, she lets herself cry silent tears for the pain of losing someone that changed her life and changed her in so many different and beautiful ways that she wouldn't be able to even begin describing. She lets herself feel everything she has been running from ever since that fateful afternoon where a beautiful memory ended up followed by a terrible and endless nightmare when she had to watch the life leave those beautiful pair of emerald eyes she loved so much, eyes that could see into her very soul from the first time they had met her own.
That is one of the worst parts of that ordeal for Clarke, the fact that not even a couple of minutes before she lost Lexa for good, she finally found herself ready to let the brunette back into her heart and mind again, not that she ever left really, along with a promise and hope of someday, which quickly turned into the reality of never.
After the whole Mount weather thing, she had tried and tried and tried and then tried some more to forget the girl with eyes as green as the Earth, she even went to bed with someone else in a mix of needing human contact and wanting to punish the person who hurt her so much but those eyes, they've always found a way to come back and haunt her, when she was dreaming and also when she was awake, always there to remind her of one of the many things she lost to the Mountain besides her battered innocence, a huge part of her soul already incomplete and her peace of mind and spirit, which to be honest she hadn't had for quite some time anyway.
She had been so angry at Lexa and her betrayal, but more than that, she had been so hurt by it and by her. She blamed Lexa for what she did, for having to kill everyone inside that place, people who helped them like Maya and innocent children, like Emerson's, unfairly so. Of course, she knows now and even back then, that the position Lexa found herself in wasn't any easier than hers. She understood what took out of Lexa to make that decision and she really can't blame her for it, but hindsight is 20/20.
She had known even back then, but blaming Lexa and directing all her anger towards her was the only way she found to not drown in guilt every single second of every single day, it was the only way she found to live with herself day after day and also because she knew that Lexa would let her.
She would have let Clarke blame her, be angry at her, hate her even if it meant the blonde would spare herself from the crushing weight of the guilt she carried and that was what Lexa did when Clarke threatened her with the knife that Roan had naively proved her with thinking she could ever harm Lexa. Instead of attacking her back, the brunette let her go back to her people despite the dangers it could pose to her own position and her Coalition as well as her life. Go back to her mom, to her people, if it could mean she would feel better. That is how selfless Lexa was beneath the tough façade she wore of the Commander.
Seeing Lexa fight with Roan and worrying about her safety was an eye opener for Clarke about the state and depths of her feelings regarding the Commander. Like, she was ready to kill the Ice Queen just so she could stop the fight from happening, could keep Lexa from danger, but she wasn't able to thanks to the Queen's bodyguard, if you could call Ontari that, who saw right through her attempt and stopped her though Lexa won either way and beautifully so as she punished and killed the real culprit, making Roan the new King.
That night, until this moment, Clarke has absolutely no idea how she was able to resist the urge to kiss Lexa and make love to her or why she resisted that urge at all. That black nightgown did nothing to help her reel back from her desires, but she found the strength to do so anyway. However now, looking back at it, Clarke shouldn't have resisted.
She should have let it happen, she should have just asked Lexa to stop when she was about to leave, walked up to her, closed the door behind her and claimed the brunette's lips, finally letting herself fall into the steady and waiting arms of the woman she loved, at least she would have had more memories with her than just the last one. After that night which nothing of the sort happened, thanks to Clarke's stupidity and her naivety for thinking they would have time to deal with their feelings later, Clarke started to feel herself entertaining the idea of letting Lexa inside her heart again, more and more so, given the fact that the very next day they even flirted a little on the way to Arkadia.
But when she was finally ready to start opening up to her, Pike and Bellamy screwed up big time. Yes, Bellamy screwed up royally, now that she is about to die, Clarke could let herself be angry at him as she reaches the top of the tower and start working on it the way Raven had instructed her to.
Clarke had lost her father thanks to her mother, her best friend was killed by a little girl with a grudge against his father, her… whatever Finn had been, was murdered by her in an act of mercy, her love shot and killed by the hands of someone who was supposed to protect her. Yet all she did after all of those losses and in spite of the excruciating pain she felt every single time was continuing to work towards saving everyone and keeping the peace between both people and keeping her people safe.
He lost his girlfriend, tragically and meaninglessly yes, but what part of it makes it suddenly okay to massacre more than 300 innocent people just because you are hurting? What in the name of all that is holy was he thinking letting Pike convince him that doing such a thing was the right thing to do about it? What was he thinking by agreeing to such cruelty? What was he thinking?
The answer is he wasn't thinking at all past his pain, which was such a Bellamy thing to do. Raven had been right when she said that people usually paid the price for the decisions he makes based on his own wants and needs. 300 people on the Ark, who sacrificed themselves for more air so that the others would have a chance to survive, did so because he destroyed the radio that could have warned everyone upstairs that the Earth was survivable and there was no need for deaths, all because he was afraid for his ass once the rest of the Ark got down and he was accused of killing Jaha.
The meeting she had with Anya who was a failure thanks to his brilliant idea that when she asked him to accompany her to make sure she would be safe was an invitation to bring Jasper along while giving him a gun, not taking in consideration that he had been attacked by grounders and would probably be feeling a little PTSD around them, which was exactly what resulted in him started shooting the grounders, ruining whatever chance Clarke might have had to get the truce they needed.
The grounder army who Lexa said she would send to protect the Sky People, protect, which was something she said she would do right in front of him and Pike when they stormed the summit after learning of the attack, ended up being victims of a pointless and cruel slaughter all because he was hurting and need a scapegoat to his pain, someone to pay for how much he was hurting and what better way to deal with that than to kill 300 people who had nothing to do with what happened to begin with?
Bellamy was someone she cared about deeply, one of her best friends and someone she needed by her side to help her lead her people, but she realized that she had to stop blinding herself to his many mistakes anymore just because she cared about him. Their friendship and camaraderie didn't exonerate him of his mistakes, didn't excuse all the times he screwed up. All it did was make him think that whatever he did was okay to her, probably because of the rule they had to forgive each other for anything, which was a crippling thing for both of their growths as people and as leaders, she knew now.
That is why when they talked back in the lab, she tried to advise him to start thinking before acting. It's the reason why she was the brain between them and he was the heart. She would think of the bigger picture, of the consequences, of what would help them the most while he inspired people and did what she asked. When she left, he crumbled and let a maniac take over and destroy whatever was left of she had built with the grounders through blood and sweat. Now, up in space and without her again, he can't make the same mistakes. He needs to start thinking too. To start worrying about all the things it had always been her responsibility to think about until now. With Raven by his side, Clarke had a little bit more of faith that he could learn to do it. Not a lot more, just a little bit, enough she hoped.
She looked down at the watch of her wrist and see that her ten minutes are up. They should start launching the rocket right about now, as Raven said that any later and they wouldn't be able to fly at all, given the radioactive power of the death wave that Clarke could feel getting closer and closer. Like a predator that has its prey trapped with no place to escape to, no way to survive it. Deadly and silent. What a combination.
She continued to work on the antenna as she heard it before she saw it. They did it. They were launching the rocket without her. She followed it with her vision while sending a silent 'well done, Bellamy' along with it before she turned her attention back to her task. These past couple of days had been tiring and stressful to say the very least and now that she thinks about it, Clarke can recognize that her little stunt with the bunker and getting her people in though well intentioned, trying to save the human race and all, was shameful and completely uncalled for. She, who preached about equality to Roan that same day, backstabbed everyone and kept the bunker for her people. Hypocrite.
Thing is she was so desperate to make sure that Luna didn't get her wish of seeing everyone dead that she came up with that idea, needless to say Jaha had loved it, to put it mildly. She was so afraid and fear makes you do stupid things. If she could, she would apologize to Lexa, who she knew would never have done what she did but instead would have found a common ground for everyone to share the bunker, much like Octavia did. She can admit she was a complete asshole but what is done is done.
Meanwhile, she finally got the antenna to work and was relieved to know that Raven could work out the rest. She then looked to her right and could see the death wave coming her way, so she started to come down the tower as fast as she could while hoping that the suit would hold at least until she got to the lab. She finally managed to get down and started running away from the deadly cloud as fast as she could since it was quite a way to the lab.
She continued running through a part of the forest but just as she was coming out of it, her foot got caught on a fallen branch of a tree and she fell to the ground. The first thing she noticed which was in her line of sight was this big hole in the helmet, she tried covering it with her hand and tried to stand up but she felt a sharp pain on her ankle and she knew she had sprained it. Running was not an option anymore.
She fell down on the ground and immediately realized that it was the end of the line for her. This was it. She let her hand fall from the hole on the helmet, closed her eyes and imagined Lexa's face as the sunrays hit her olive skin while they were in bed and strangely a sense of peace finally came over her. And in this last moments, she realized that she had been doing everything she could to make sure people survived, but she was remarkably okay with dying herself.
After everything she had to do in the past 6 months and everything she lost, death for her was not an unwelcomed thought, the idea of finally being free. And it was in this moment that she understood why when someone dies, the grounders say that their fight is over. It's because to live is to fight. Every day and so many things, that death is the end to that struggle and unsurprisingly, Clarke found herself okay with it. Bellamy and Raven would take care of their friends in space and Octavia, Kane, Indra and her mother would take care of the people in the bunker.
She could finally rest. She could finally look forward to being reunited with Lexa.
Her fight was finally over.
That was the last thing she remembers thinking before a strong light blinded her and her senses no longer alerted her about the death wave that was consuming her body and everything surrounding her. Was this what death felt like? Was she dead already or in the process of dying? Is this heaven? Hell? The afterlife? There is one? Where the hell was she?
All she could see or not see, whatever way you prefer to think about it, was the bright light while her thoughts filled with questions left unanswered. That is until her vision started clearing little by little, and the colors started flowing back in, like she was beginning to see things in focus more now than she was before.
That went on until her vision was fully back along with all of her other senses, then she looked around her and it seemed like she was in a white room, which reminded her of Mount Weather's white quarantine rooms where she had been when they had taken her and her friends into their bunker. Clarke then looked down at herself and noticed that she was dressed in what seemed like her outfit from when she came down to the ground and used in the City of Light. Her grey long sleeved shirt, black pants, boots and her jacket.
She stood up and took a full turn looking around for a door, but there was no door, nothing she could find, just white all around her which left her confused about exactly where she was. Just as she though that, beside her on her left side a video started playing and it was the video of her 15th birthday, that she spent alone with her dad because her mother had a pretty big surgery that day. They had so much fun, Clarke almost didn't remember that anymore. In front of her the video of getting arrested and her father being floated play out and her heart clenched at the scene again as she felt tears starting to form on her eyes.
To the right side, the video of her night with Finn started playing, a moment which she regretted and didn't regret it simultaneously. She didn't regret it because it was her first time and she liked him. It was a beautiful experience despite everything that came after. It was rushed and sloppy, but beautiful and she meant it when she said she wanted it to be him and not just anyone else. She regretted it because of the pain it caused Raven to find out that the boyfriend she risked her life coming down to Earth for hadn't waited 10 days before going to bed with another girl. She, being the girl in question.
Behind her, it's the video of her talk with Bellamy by the ocean as they waited for Luna's people. It was a beautiful memory she had, they had been honest and vulnerable with each other, understanding what the other was going through and offering support. That is the moment where she believes or at least likes to believe that she got through to him like she couldn't do it during that fateful encounter on Arkadia which ended up with handcuffs being used on her wrists. However now she didn't understand a bit of what went through his head when he did that after all, during the conclave, she had Jaha drug him, had him handcuffed and then had a gun pointing at him. So, even though that had hurt, she couldn't keep holding a grudge for that when she did the same or even worse.
To her front, the moment she and Lexa had in the latter's tent before the battle with Mount Weather, where they shared their first kiss which was the moment Clarke knew she was falling in love, deeply with the brunette. The intensity of her feelings for the girl she barely knew yet knew so much about, Finn's recent death on top of the upcoming battle being what contributed for her to find the strength to pull back and stop the kiss when what her heart wanted was for her to keep going and let herself be with who deep down she had always known she was meant to be with.
Slowly the walls started filling themselves with video after video of things she lived through before and after coming down to Earth, her first day at school, killing Atom, closing the dropship door, fighting the panther, laughing at the floating prank on Jaha and all she could do was watch them pile up one after the other and so on while she continued to understand nothing of what was going on in this place. Was she dead? Dreaming? Hallucinating? Is this real?
"I'm afraid the answer is none of the above, Clarke and I assure you this is very real," Said a voice from behind her, one voice that she recognized instantly which made her freeze a little before she turned to face this intruder and was shocked by seeing her again.
"Becca?" The blonde asked as she saw the woman smile at her.
"Hello Clarke, it is nice to see you again," She said politely in that husky tone of hers. She was wearing her commander outfit, the one Titus gave Clarke before she left Polis.
"What the hell is going on? Why are you here? Where the hell am I?" she asked and Becca smiled, the questions being exactly what she expected from the blonde girl.
"For the question number one, a lot is going on, Clarke but it will all be explained quite soon. Question number two, I am here to be your guide through this experience and as for question number three, I am proud to welcome you to the Valley of Time."
