Please read & review. It would seriously make my day, as I'm sitting here sick with covid :/
Great last parting lines
"I love you," he exhaled. As soon as the words left his mouth his first instinct was to run, get in the car and get away as far as possible. But her eyes rooted him in place. They widened almost comically, and she kept looking at him for a few seconds not reacting at all. Time seemed to freeze, the seconds dragged for eternity until she sniffled and her eyes welled with tears. He didn't know what to do. Crying was the least expected reaction, and he didn't dare to move, waiting for her next step. Then she started laughing. It was one of those laughs a person gets through the tears indicating border-line hysterical state.
"And you're saying this now?" She kept sniffling. "Are you serious?! What kind of answer do you expect, huh?" She poked him in the chest accusingly.
"I don't expect anything. I just needed to tell you."
"Are you insane? You needed to tell me? How about what I needed? How about telling me this last year?" She kept poking him one poke per question, then she started punching him. "How about telling me about your problems a year ago, huh?" Another punch. "How about not bailing on me?" Another punch. "You don't have the right to just come here and confess something like this just because you supposedly needed to tell me! You don't!" She shouted punching him again and again. "You just don't!" He kept standing there no moving accepting her assault on his torso. "I don't believe you for a second!"
"Rory, you don't have to believe me, but you're the only girl I've ever loved, and that's the truth."
"Then why? Why did you leave me like that? Why?" she was crying, and he stopped her punches by grabbing her and hugging her close. She hugged him back looking for comfort, bowling her eyes out. They were standing there for God knows how long. He stopped feeling his toes a while ago. When she finally calmed down, she pulled away and he let her.
"Why did you come here, Jess?" She looked at him with those blue eyes he loved so much, only now they weren't bright and alive like he remembered, but bloodshot and sad.
"To get my car back. Turns out Luke had been hiding it all along." He gestured behind him to the piece of crap that he called a car. She remembered it from back in the day. It brought back too many memories. She felt like crying again.
"Oh, okay…" She trailed off with a pang of hurt and disappointment in her chest. She hasn't seen him for a year. He made her miserable, yet she couldn't help but want to stay in his presence a little longer.
"So, you're leaving… again?"
"I guess. There's nothing really left for me here."
"Were you ever going to talk to me about what happened to you, why you left?" She inquired.
"I don't know…" He dropped his eyes to the floor.
"Seriously? You just told me you loved me, but you were never going to talk to me about last year? You owe me at least an explanation."
"I don't-"
"I need it to move on. Please help me move on, Jess." Her voice was soft, she looked tired, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Okay," he nodded.
"Okay?" She thought she might have heard him wrong.
"Yeah, okay. But can we maybe do it somewhere less crowded and preferably warmer?"
"Oh, sure." She suddenly realized the outside temperature and felt her fingers were stiff with cold. "My mom is at the Inn, some kind of emergency. So we can go to my place." She gestured into the general direction of her house, he nodded, and they fell into step. No one dared to say a word, so the short walk was filled with awkward silence.
When they got to the Crapshack she took her coat off and put it on the hanger, he did the same. They went to the kitchen, and she started making a fresh pot of coffee. He sat down at the table awkwardly. He never felt at ease or comfortable at this house, and tonight was probably the worst one yet. Then she put two steaming mugs on the table, and sat across from him, a tense silence followed.
"So…" she started.
"So…?" he mimicked her, not sure where to start. "I don't know how to do this," he admitted.
"Yeah, I figured," she snorted. "How about I ask you questions and you answer them truthfully, without any of your evasive maneuvers, or half-truths or sassy comebacks?"
"Sounds fair, I guess," he nodded. She sipped on a hot liquid trying to get her jumbled thoughts in order.
"Why didn't you tell me you were failing school?"
He knew this question was coming, but he still flinched when she asked.
"I didn't want to disappoint you."
"Oh, that's rich. And how leaving without saying goodbye is less disappointing?" She huffed.
"You don't get it, Rory! You were going to Yale! You were accepted to three Ivy League schools, while I would just be another high school dropout. I couldn't even take you to prom!"
"Oh God! I didn't care about the prom, I cared about you! And you didn't trust me enough to tell me stuff, the important stuff!"
"I was not good enough for you. Everyone could see it. And if I told you I was flunking out, you would see it too. I told you, you're the only one I ever cared about, so I couldn't bear having you disappointed in me and see everyone was right all along."
"We could've worked something out, if you only told me."
"And then what, Rory?" he snapped. "You were going to Yale! And then what, date your dropout boyfriend? Who had no money, no future, nothing?"
"Oh for God's sake, Jess! You flunked out, so what? That's not the end of the world. You could've gotten your GED or something. Lots of people make it in life without a college degree! I wanted to be with you! Not with a high school diploma. God, I wanted to lose my virginity to you. That's how serious it was for me, and then you just left!" At the mention of sex he looked up at her, and saw she wasn't joking. She wasn't even blushing. They never really talked about the physical aspect of their relationship, so he didn't know she wanted to go all the way with him.
"You didn't tell me about your dad coming here. What's up with that? Jess, I was your girlfriend. We were supposed to tell each other important stuff. You're saying that you loved me, yet you never told me anything important. Everything I know about you is just bits and pieces of slip-ups in conversations, or something Luke had mentioned. Why didn't you tell me stuff? Why didn't you let me in?" Out of everything that happened with the two of them, this was probably the thing that hurt her most.
"I… I didn't know how, I guess…" he was circling the rim of his cup with his finger not looking at her. "You were the first person I met that didn't need anything from me. You were so honest and pure. You didn't have any agenda. I wasn't used to it. I've learnt pretty early on that anything I say can be used against me. So I perfected 'evasive maneuvers' as you call it over the years. So by the time I came to Stars Hollow, I was a seventeen year old cynic who has seen the worst in people. And then there came you…" he trailed off, the faraway look on his face drawing her in. "I remember the first time I saw you. I thought if Bambi was a person, it would look like you. You had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and a book collection that rivaled my own. I was intrigued. I've never met anyone like you. And the more I got to know you, the more I wanted to be around you, be with you. Your look on the world, so enthusiastic and excited, was refreshing, naïve but sweet. I felt like I shouldn't be near you, because I would just taint you and ruin you, just like everything else I touch. I felt unworthy of your attention, but craved it nonetheless. When we started dating I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Everyone stared and judged, but you didn't seem to care, and I was grateful. But then there was that dinner with your grandmother, which once again reminded me how unworthy I was and how different our directions were. And then there was this party, when I tried to force myself on you, and yelled at you, all because I felt shitty about not graduating. I hate myself every day for the way I acted that night. If I could take that back I would. All of that bottled up, and my father showing up, and the fight with the Lurch, who you went for comfort to, always seemed to come to him in the end. It all snowballed from there, and the best course of action I could think of was leaving without saying goodbye, because I couldn't bear having you break up with me, when I already knew I loved you more than anything…" he stopped his story by taking a sip from the now cold coffee, not daring to look up. She was trying to process all of what he just said, and she could see his logic. As twisted and wrong as it was, she understood.
After long moments of silence she finally said "I'm sorry you felt that way. If it helps, I never thought of you as unworthy. I always thought you were one of the most brilliant and incredible people I had the privilege of knowing… And I always believed in you…."
"I'm sorry everything turned out the way it did… I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye, I'm sorry about the party. I want you to know, I'm really sorry, Rory. I hope one day you can forgive me."
"Me too…" they sat there in silence, which wasn't as awkward as before. A weird sense of serenity settled in the room. They were sitting there in front of each other, two former lovers, not exactly friends. It seemed like all was said and addressed, but strangely enough, she didn't want him to leave. Only now having him sitting opposite from her in her house, hearing his voice made her realize how much she actually missed him. He left a gaping hole in her heart when he left, and she just learnt how to live with it constantly being there. But now all of those emotions she kept trying to repress came crushing down on her. She was looking at him above the rim of her cup, absorbing every detail of his appearance. His hair got longer, but it was still gelled up. He had a brown sweater on, the t-shirt collar sticking out of it a little. He looked the same as she remembered him, yet entirely different.
"Where did you go after you left?" She realized she really wanted to know.
"I went to California to see Jimmy, my father," came his short reply.
"Oh wow… how was it?" her eyes filled with natural curiosity, and for a moment there he felt like he went back in time, while they were still together, and she would ask him what seemed like a million questions a minute.
"Weird… I stayed there for a couple of months, but it wasn't a heartfelt reunion. He obviously didn't want me there, and it was awkward most of the time. I don't know what I was expecting, so I still don't know how I feel about it." He shrugged.
"And then what?"
"I went back to New York. Pulled a whole Sal-Paradise-across-the-country trip."
"Really? How was it?" Her eyes lit up with excitement.
"Nothing like Kerouac described," he chuckled. "It was mostly smelly, lonely and hungry. Maybe if I had my car and a good company… Otherwise, would not recommend."
"Oh…" She was hoping to hear more about his adventures, but he didn't seem like he wanted to elaborate.
"Yeah… Then I got back to New York, found a job as a messenger, and I rent a terrible apartment with three other guys."
"And then you came back to get your car?"
"Yep."
"Okay…"
"So how have you been? How's Yale? Is it as exciting as you expected?" He felt like he had filled his quota for talking for probably a century, so he desperately wanted to hear something about her.
"Yes and no… It's amazing in a way that the teachers are great, and the classes are interesting…"
"But?"
"But at the same time it's… lonely. I study all the time, yet I still get bad grades, I don't have time to make friends. I feel like I'm failing one of the classes, even though my grandpa and grandma took the same amount of classes and they did just fine. I went on one date, and it was utterly horrible. I asked a guy out, and he said no. And on top of it all, my roommate is Paris of all people. And I still haven't decided if it's a good thing or not."
"Wow…" he didn't know what else to say. He tried to ignore the hurt he felt at the mentioning of her asking another guy on a date.
"Yeah… Honestly, I'm not sure if I made the right choice going to Yale…. Maybe I should've gone to Harvard like I planned all along."
"Why did you decide to go to Yale?"
"It was closer to home, to my mom… and, well… you." She added the last part reluctantly, not sure if she should say that at all.
"Oh…" Another wave of guilt overwhelmed him. She made a choice that would affect her entire future based on him, and he bailed on her.
"Yeah…"
"Can you transfer to Harvard? I mean you got accepted there and everything."
"I don't know… I would have to look into it."
"Oh…" He didn't know what else to say, seemed like the conversation exhausted itself. At least for now… They kept sitting there not saying anything, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, he decided it was time to go. He confessed, he apologized, there was nothing else he could do.
"So, I should better go," he said standing up.
"Oh, okay," she stood up as well, and put their mugs in the sink. "I'll walk you out."
They moved in the hall, accidentally bumping into each other and jumping apart apologizing simultaneously. After an awkward chuckle, he put his leather jacket on and zipped it up, when an idea came to him.
"Hey, I uhh… while I was travelling I wrote something," he started.
"Wrote something? Like a journal?"
"Well, not exactly… I actually don't know what it is, but I can give it to you." He took a worn notepad out of his inside pocket and gave it to her.
"I… How am I supposed to give it back to you?"
"Just keep it," he shrugged.
"What if I have questions about what you wrote?" she realized she didn't want him to leave again, and was looking for a way to keep in touch. "Do you have a cell phone?"
"Uh, actually I do. I need it for my messenger job."
"Can I… can I have your number?" She blushed.
"In case you have questions?" He raised an eyebrow, a hint of a smirk grazing his lips for the first time that night.
"Yes, in case if I have any questions, yes."
"Okay." He gave her his number and was turning to leave when she said "I accept you apology."
He nodded and walked out the door.
Rory looked down at her hands that were currently holding a piece of Jess. Maybe she could find all the answers inside this old notepad, maybe not, but she couldn't help the anxious excitement that knotted her stomach anyway.
She walked to her room, kicked her shoes off, and switched on the bedside lamp. She crawled in her bed and began to read.
