CHAPTER ONE: THE SEARCH FOR A BABYSITTER
Shrek and Fiona had originally planned to just have three children: Fergus, Farkle, and Felicia. However, as they didn't believe in birth control, Fiona became pregnant one day and, around the time of the triplets's third birthdays, they had another set of triplets, whom they named Fabian, Francis, and Frannie. While the triplets had been a handful before, now having two sets of triplets made Shrek and Fiona swamped, and not just because they lived in a swamp either.
They had, of course, tried hiring a nanny to aide them. However, finding someone competent was proving to be a challenge. They had hired the Big Bad Wolf, which had turned out to be a disaster. They had hired the Big Bad Wolf to be their babysitter. They had heard from Felicia that he had been laying in bed and she had come to see what was the matter. She had said that she noticed that he had big eyes and big teeth and he had replied that they were to see her and eat her. Luckily, Fiona had come in in time to stop him from doing so and had whacked him on the head with a frying pan, had literally kicked him out of her house, and had issued a restraining order against him. Since then, however, they had been without a babysitter.
Not that they hadn't tried their best to find one, of course. Shrek had put up posters advertising the need for a babysitter everywhere. He had come back tired one day, with a poster stuck to his hand via some staples, and announced "I've gone out as far as Really Far Far Away." Really Far Far Away was nearly twice as far away from their swamp as Far Far Away.
"Daddy, why do you have that piece of paper stuck to your hand," Felicia asked.
"Well dear, I wanted to make sure I had one that everyone could see wherever I went," Shrek replied humorously.
"Couldn't you just carry it?" Fargle asked.
"I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't lose it."
"Had a bad day dear?" Fiona asked knowingly.
"Yep. No hits. And I accidentally stapled this to my hand because Donkey kept distracting me."
"I was trying to give you advice on where to put the flyers so that people would notice them," Donkey said.
"Why don't you put one on yourself? You're a natural at drawing attention to yourself!"
"That's not a bad idea. Though I won't staple it to myself like you did."
"Shrek, I think you've done enough for one day," Fiona said.
"I suppose you're right," Shrek sighed. "But we need to find a babysitter. We can't keep going on like this."
"We could have Donkey help babysit them."
"Donkey?! Are you crazy?! They'll never turn out normal if he babysits them!"
"Man, that hurts Shrek. That really hurts," Donkey sighed, making a pouty face at Shrek.
"Plus, you have a bunch of kids of your own."
"You're right. Ohhh, I forgot!"
"That you have kids?"
"No. Dragon wanted me back an hour ago. I'd better get going before she gets upset and starts setting fire to the furniture again." And without another word, he bolted from the house.
"Don't worry dear, we'll find a babysitter soon," Fiona said reassuringly.
However, days turned into weeks and still they couldn't find any takers, at least any decent ones. Pinocchio had applied for the job, hoping to make more than his minimum wage job at the Far Far Away Public Library. Things had seemed to be going well, until Fiona had asked him about his childcare qualifications that he had put on his resume. His responses to her questions caused his nose to grow, bringing about a premature end to the interview and they were again back to square one.
Puss in Boots made at attempt at being the babysitter in week three. "I am here at your service." he said. When told about the rate he would be being paid, he said "For an old friend like you, I can do it gratis."
It is certain that he made a valiant effort. A lesser cat wouldn't have lasted even an hour. Puss in Boots made it through the full day. However, at the end of the day, he collapsed in utter exhaustion and slept through for two full days. When he awoke, he sighed and remarked "I am afraid that this is a task even beyond my capability. I can do this for a while but I'm afraid even I will need some help to manage it full time."
So, with Puss in Boots helping as best he could, the three of them were still overwhelmed to manage six ogre toddlers. "You know, you two shoulda used birth control," Donkey remarked about a month into their search for second babysitter.
"Too late now," Shrek sighed.
"You know, there is this guy that even Dragon is reluctant to pick a fight with."
"Who?"
"His name is Jack. Apparently, he bought some magic beans and it grew a magic beanstalk and he climbed up it and fought a giant."
"Sounds promising," Shrek remarked, smiling. He would definitely be paying this Jack a visit.
And so, after breakfast the following morning, he did just that. When he knocked on the door, he saw a middle-aged woman. "Did I get the right house?" Shrek asked, looking at the address he had written down that the Muffin Man, who seemed to know everyone, had given him.
"Ahhh, an ogre!" the women screamed. She tried throwing a frying pan at Shrek, but he just ducked it. "Jack, help me!"
A tall and burly young man with a goatee came running toward Shrek. Such was the young man's prowess, that the best Shrek could do was stumble back and fall over as he swung a powerful punch at his head, barely missing it. As the man was about to aim a kick at him, the ogre cried out "Wait, wait, wait, I'm not here to hurt you! I've come to hire you for a job."
"A job you say?" Jack inquired, his mood changing from aggressive to pleasant.
"Yeah. Babysitting. Nobody can seem to manage. And Fiona and I were already stretched with just three kids and now we have six. We have someone helping us but even he is a bit stretched too. I swear, we have double the kids we had before and now it's eight times the headaches."
"Take me to your house and I'll see what I can do."
As they were walking to Shrek's swamp, Shrek remarked "So, you were once dirt poor, traded your widow mother's last cow for a bunch of magic beans, it grew into a beanstalk, you found a giant's castle and looted the place and cut down the beanstalk when the giant chased you."
"Pretty much. Though, sadly, my chief prize was lost. The goose that lays golden eggs bit me in the hand and I had to drop it. Could have caught it but didn't have the time with a giant on my tail. While I pilfered enough so that we're not flat broke anymore, by any means, all we got out of that goose was a nice meal. So, I could use some more dough."
Sometime later, they arrived at Shrek's swamp. "You live here?" Jack asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Well, some might not approve, but Fiona and I call it home. It gives us some privacy."
"I can see that."
"Shrek, did you get him to come? Did you?" It was Donkey.
"Hmmm, a talking donkey, you might be able to get some money for him," Jack remarked.
"No way, I couldn't pay anyone enough to take him," Shrek replied. Shrek lowered his voice "And don't tell him, but I've tried a few times too."
"Well, let me see the kids and what I'm up against."
Jack managed well. He could keep up with them and, at the end of the day, seemed still to have plenty of energy.
"I say, I think you're a good fit for the job," Fiona remarked. "That is, if you'll take it."
"I will. Just one more thing," Jack said. He rummaged in the sack he had been carrying and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her.
Fiona read it. It was his monthly billing rate. "Oh Shrek," she called to her husband, handing him the paper.
"Can't you give me us a discount?" Shrek asked, after reading it himself.
"You don't think I should get an honest day's pay for an honest day's work?" Jack inquired.
"Well, it's just that…." Shrek began to argue.
"Well, if you don't like the rates, I guess you'll just have to find someone else."
"No," Shrek sighed deeply. "We'll do it."
"Good, it's settled, I'll be here first thing tomorrow," Jack said, shaking Shrek and Fiona's hands and then departing for home.
"Shrek," Fiona said irately, "how are we going to afford this?"
Shrek took a deep breath, then said "Well, there's no way around it. I'll have to get a job."
