All familiar characters belong to Janet. The mistakes are solely mine. This is a stand-alone story, but it could also count as a sorta update to one of my 2015 one-shots "Choosing A Life".
One minute I was staring at the computer monitor in my cubby, not registering a single thing on the screen. And in the next, my jacket was being dropped across my shoulders.
"Grab your bag," Ranger ordered. "We're heading out."
"Huh?"
Instead of answering me, he gently tugged me out of my chair and handed my shoulder bag to me after he pulled it out of the desk drawer where I stash it every morning.
"You look like you need to get out of your head, or at least out of this cubby," he told me.
He isn't wrong, so I did what I always do. I listened to him and moved when and where he told me to.
"Hey, Steph," Ram said as we passed him near the elevator. "You leaving?"
"Looks like. The Boss is springing me."
"Lucky you."
"Yeah … lucky me," I said under my breath so Ram couldn't hear me.
Ranger let me believe he'd missed that too until we were in the elevator destined for the lobby.
"What did you mean by that?"
"Mean by what?" I said back.
If there's one thing I can do well it's play dumb, or be dumb whenever I'm in this particular guy's company.
"Babe."
That was it. One word with zero change in his tone or expression.
I blew a curl off my forehead. "Fine. I just don't feel very lucky to be me right now."
"Because?"
"Because?" I repeated. "There's a bazillion reasons that are so obvious even dead people can point them out."
"It's not like you to be so dramatic."
That stopped me just when I was about to step out of the elevator. "Was that a joke taken out of the 'Ranger humor' folder? Or were you really calling me dramatic?"
"You'll never know."
"Now who's being dramatic?" I told him, feeling the cramp in my chest ease when he pulled me to him so he could drop a kiss on the top of my head.
Obviously, the guys know we're sleeping together, but Ranger is affectionate only up to a certain point when we're in front of them. Breaking that rule a beat later, he curled an arm around my waist and held onto me until we reached his Turbo.
I thought I'd get away with just sitting quietly while he drove us … wherever he's taking us, but I was wrong again.
"What's going on, Steph? You've been off all day."
"I don't know. I can't really explain it," I finally admitted, after trying to pinpoint why I feel so … empty.
Or maybe aimless is a better description.
"Try," he pressed.
"Alright. Don't say I didn't warn you that it makes no sense. I have a place to live, a best friend who doesn't let three days go by before we talk or meet somewhere, and you gave me a job - and so much more - before I killed my cousin at my old one, but I can't help but wonder if this feeling is what one of my skips had been talking about."
"Which was …?"
I tried to buy myself some time by paying attention to where he's driving. He's taking us out of Trenton is all I have so far.
"Stephanie …" he warned.
I sighed. Apparently, going silent is only okay if you're Batman.
"One FTA I brought in last month shared that it takes two things to get her through what goes on in her mind every day or the numbness she tries to wade through when even thinking is too much."
"Hope and hard work?"
I snorted. "Not even close. Her answer was razors and wine. I didn't understand that until today. Thankfully, she's been doing better. But I have so much more than she did at the time and I still feel like it doesn't matter … that nothing in my life matters. Sorry you asked now?" I said, cutting my eyes to him.
"No. I'm sorry I didn't make you leave with me sooner."
"You have an empire to oversee. I'll be fine, I just need … "
And there lies the problem. I don't know what I need right now.
"Can't finish that sentence, can you?" Ranger said with something I can't put my finger on in his voice.
"No. I don't know what's wrong with me today."
"I get it. And there's nothing wrong with you."
"My morale just needs a jump-start?" I said, going for a joke, but we can both tell I didn't manage to get there.
"Something like that."
Then he went quiet. And I let him for about twenty minutes because that's when he parked in a spot near a sign for 'Puppy Pals' dog park.
"Did you get me a dog to make me feel better?" I asked, surprised that I felt a little excitement thinking he had.
Bob was a lot of work when I'd been his short-term owner, but he was way more demonstrative than Rex will ever be.
"No. Though that can be arranged if you're interested."
My hopes crashed again. Rex has so far defied time and nature to be living well past his expected two to three years. If that horrible day ever comes, I don't know how I'll handle it. So, the logical side of my brain knows not to voluntarily sign-up for another looming heartache.
"Thanks, but I think Rex is all I can handle. Which brings us back to why we're here if you're not giving me a new pet."
He pointed to a girl throwing a pink tennis ball for a good-sized golden retriever or Labrador retriever to catch. "Do you remember Aleece Waters?"
She's someone I'll never forget, mainly because even when I appear dead-to-the-world asleep, I'm reliving the moment Aleece's life changed when her father shot her mother right in front of her.
"There's no way to forget her," I said. I know because I've tried. "Wait … that's her?"
"Yes," Ranger said as I attempted to match-up the sobbing, emotionally broken five-year-old I tried to shield and comfort that day … to the laughing, carefree-looking seven-year-old girl I'm watching run after her dog to free the tennis ball for another round.
Ranger pointed again, this time towards a bench about ten feet from where Aleece is playing.
"That's the same Aunt who came to get her? Wow," I breathed out. "I don't know what I pictured their lives to be like now, remembering how fractured they appeared holding onto each other under the harsh TPD lighting, but this isn't it. They both look so different … actually happy."
"Lots of counseling and a tight-knit support system does work. The success rate is substantially lower when you go it alone."
"Is that your way of saying I need to talk to someone?" I had to ask.
"You have to talk to me at least. I've been there for you from the very beginning. And I promise you that I'm not going anywhere now or in the future. It may not feel like it, but you have all the support Aleece received in one person … me. You just have to let me do what I'm known for."
"I thought you're known for finding and catching bad guys?"
"I'm far better at loving you. Never forget that what you do matters, Babe. You matter. You've changed more lives than just mine."
