AN: Okay, so this chapter is ready and Live Again needs to be looked at for final edits so I will do that after taking doggie to the park. In the meanwhile, enjoy this. Just a note, the poem is original work. First poem I have written in probably about eight years.
Nathan brushed out Newton. In the next stall, Bill was brushing Hero as well, the judge having just got back from Union City with the two horses. Other than informing him that Super Intendant O'Reilly had said Stephen Augustine would be given the option to be reinstated, his short time away noted as a leave of absence rather than the resignation, Nathan and Bill had not spoken as they cared for their horses. Nathan knew it would last. He knew Bill would eventually bring up a certain subject if he didn't himself. He had a feeling his friend was just trying to give him the opportunity to bring it up on his own terms.
The problem was, Nathan was so use to keeping things to himself that he was not sure how to do that. Since taking in Ally, Nathan's career had moved him around enough that forming even close friendships had been easy to avoid. At least until coming to Hope Valley. Other than Gabriel, Nathan really was not sure how to open up to people, his stammering and dropped sentences around Elizabeth being evidence of that.
"Elizabeth deserves to know about your connection to Jack, Nathan," Bill finally ventured.
Nathan sighed. "I know, Bill. I've known since the moment that I got my posting to Hope Valley."
"I don't care what Hargraves says. Jack's death was not your fault. It wasn't Hargraves either for that matter. I don't like what he did to you or Augustine, but Hargraves can't be blamed for Jack's death just because he asked him to take that training mission. Jack's death was just a tragic accident and nothing more."
"I know," Nathan said again. He let the hand with the brush in it fall to his side as he turned to face Bill. "I have never blamed myself for Jack's death. I made my choices and there was nothing wrong with those choices. I chose not to fight for the trainer assignment not because I thought it was dangerous but because it was best for Ally if I just tried to keep my head down and go on doing my job. When she found out about the deaths on the training mission I was supposed to lead, she was terrified. I didn't know why God had spared me that fate, but I was thankful that he had. Every time I look at Ally, I still am. But then when I see Little Jack, I can't help but wonder why God would not want to spare that little boy the pain of growing up without his father."
Bill had stopped brushing Hero. He came over to the wall between the stalls and leaned his arms on it as he looked over at Nathan. "Perhaps it is as simple as the fact that even without his father, Little Jack is not growing up alone. He has got Elizabeth, Rosemary, Lee, his grandparents, aunts on Elizabeth's side, and an uncle on Jack's side. He has got me. At that point in time, who would Ally have had Nathan?"
Nathan didn't answer Bill's question. He didn't need to. Though Bill didn't know the specifics, he knew enough to know that Nathan didn't have any real support in raising Ally. Oh, his mother would have tired, but she struggled to care for herself these days. While Ally and he had made connections with people her in Hope Valley, at the time of the accident Ally would have been left with a grandmother who couldn't care for her, a grandfather who was in jail, and a father who probably should be in jail.
"We may not know or understand why things happen, but even I believe that God looks out for us in his own way," Bill told him. "Elizabeth should still know about the whole truth about Fort Clay. Especially now that this incident has brought it up again. Even without knowing details, people are going to be talking or Ally may inadvertently say something that will get Elizabeth's interest."
"I have tried so many times to bring up the subject, Bill," Nathan told him. "I always lose my nerve. It isn't exactly the kind of thing you just bring up causally. Oh, by the way, Elizabeth, I should have been leading the mission your husband was killed on."
"No, it isn't an easy subject to bring up. If you would like, I will tell her though she is going to wonder why you didn't tell her yourself," Bill said. "Or, perhaps there is a reason Elizabeth felt the call to go to Hamilton at this time. Perhaps finding the words to tell her might be easier to put down on paper than to actually speak."
"You mean write her a letter?" Nathan asked.
"Yes," Bill said. "She left you a letter when she left for Hamilton. That seems like an invitation to write her a letter of your own to me. I can provide you with the address."
Nathan thought it over. He had always found that putting his thoughts on paper was easier than trying to speak them. It was why he had started writing poetry in the first place, not that anyone knew about that particular hobby except for Ally. Poetry was a way for him to get his tumbling thoughts and emotions out of his head and into a form that helped him reflect on them.
"I'll write her a letter tonight," Nathan replied.
"Good," Bill said. "Perhaps exchanging letters will help both of you admit to feelings you have both been dancing around this past year," he said quietly as he turned back to Hero.
Nathan didn't have to ask what Bill meant by that comment. He had figured out Bill knew how he felt about Elizabeth when the man had come to talk to him while he had been taking his frustration about Elizabeth going to Union City with Lucas out by chopping wood.
However, the reaction also gave him hope that Bill would support a relationship between him and Elizabeth if the two of them could only figure things out.
The Queen of Hearts was quiet. The front doors were locked and the few people staying there had retreated to their rooms. Most of the staff had headed home. Gustav, who was staying the night to be on hand for the guests staying in the rooms, was back cleaning the kitchen for the next day. As Lucas put the chairs up on the table so the floors could be swept, the sound echoed through the empty room.
Lucas always found the emptiness eerie. Perhaps it was because it reminded him of the loneliness of his childhood. Tonight was no different. The sounds were too loud and his mind kept reflecting on things that he would rather not reflect on - like the fact that Nathan had sat alone most of the evening with papers spread out in front of him. Bill had spoken to him briefly and then the judge had clearly been steering people away from the Mountie. Even without being told, Lucas had respected that as well. He had directed his waitress to let him check on the Mountie and he had kept visits to Nathan's table brief. After his first beer, Nathan had not ordered another drink but Lucas still periodically placed fresh glasses of water on the table.
Picking up the chairs at the table that Nathan had been sitting at, Lucas spotted a piece of paper on the floor. Bending over he picked it up. Seeing writing on it, he just naturally started reading it as he straightened up.
When I Met You
Coming here,
I trusted in God's timing,
But meeting you today,
All that trust crumbled around me,
Realizing that he was reading a poem, and realizing that most likely Nathan was the author, Lucas stopped reading. Given the Mountie's private nature, this felt like a violation of that privacy. He folded the paper and tucked it into the pocket of his vest.
Footsteps from the direction of the kitchen caused Lucas to look in that direction.
"If you would like to call it a night, I can finish the cleaning," Gustav told him. "I know how much you dislike seeing the place empty."
Lucas chuckled. He was not one to keep his opinions to himself.
"Are you sure?" Lucas asked, thinking this would give him a chance to return the paper tonight. Despite the late hours, Nathan had been one of the last customers to leave tonight.
"Yes, yes," Gustav told him. "After all, I have all night," the French chef informed him.
"That you do," Lucas admitted. "Thank you."
"Shoo," Gustav told him, motioning him toward the door.
After a quick stop in his office, Lucas let himself out the side door. It wasn't long before he was pulling to a stop in front of Nathan's home. Lights on downstairs indicated that the man had not yet retired for the night. Getting out of the car, Lucas walked to the front door and knocked.
It didn't take long before Nathan was opening the door. His suspenders were off his shoulders but other than that he looked the same as he had in the Queen of Hearts a little bit ago.
"Is there something I can help you with?" Nathan asked with an ease of a man who was use to getting knocks on his door at all hours of the night.
"No," Lucas replied as he reached into his pocket for the paper. "However, I think you lost this at the saloon tonight," he said holding the paper out to Nathan.
Nathan took the paper from him. Unfolding it, he glanced at it. Lucas noticed a tinge of pink come to the Mountie's cheeks. "I suppose you read this."
There was not accusation in the statement, just resignation.
"A few lines," Lucas admitted. "I stopped when I realized what it was. Its about Elizabeth isn't it?"
To Lucas' surprise, Nathan stepped aside to let him have entry to the house. Lucas stepped inside the quiet home. The papers that had been spread out on the table at the saloon, now appeared to be spread out on the coffee table.
"It is," Nathan admitted as he closed the door behind Lucas. "I probably should have never had it in a public place, but I was hoping some of the poems I have written would help me write the letter I need to write to Elizabeth. I appreciate you returning it."
"I try to run an honest establishment," Lucas told him lightly.
"Right," Nathan said, reaching up and running his fingers through his hair.
"Are you writing to Elizabeth to tell her about the inquiry?" Lucas ventured.
Nathan nodded. "She deserves to know, all of it, especially the connection to Jack. I've wanted to tell her that since I first came, but it never seemed like a good time."
"I don't think there is a good time to mention that information," Lucas told him. "When you first came here, I thought you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. With everyone else, I just assumed it was the idea of taking Jack Thornton's place. I realize now that it was more than that and I really do wish we had gotten off to a better start."
"Maybe I was a little hard on you," Nathan admitted. "I just get overprotective when it comes to people I care about."
"You are not just referring to Ally are you?" Lucas asked.
"I was praying for Elizabeth from the moment I heard about that landslide that claimed Constable Thornton. If I had stayed at Fort Clay and fought for that assignment, things may have been different."
"It wasn't your fault Nathan," Lucas said.
"I know that," Nathan said. "I walked away from a prestigious assignment not a dangerous one. It was Hargraves choice to reassign me and it was an act of nature that claimed Jack's Thornton's life. That still doesn't change the fact that I felt like I had gotten lucky. I knew if things had happened differently, it could have been me on that mission. Just like it easily could have been me that was shot on that prisoner transfer and not Constable Novak. Have you ever felt like you were walking around on borrowed time?"
Lucas nodded. "With Amos Dixon," he replied, knowing that he did not need to say more. Nathan knew more about that situation than anyone else in Hope Valley.
"If I didn't want to take Ally from her friends, I would be tempted to put in for a transfer," Nathan admitted.
"Don't do that," Lucas said, though he realized how hypocritical those words were. He himself had been considering leaving the businesses in the hands of his employees and taking a trip somewhere. The destination had not been important, he just had a desire to get away and lick his wounds.
That was before the situation with Hargraves. Yesterday had changed things. Now he didn't want to leave without knowing that Nathan was going to be all right. Somehow, in Lucas' mind, that was linked to Nathan and Elizabeth getting things sorted out between them.
"Once you start running, you are tempted to do it any time things don't start going your way. I had been thinking about doing that myself."
"Then why are you still here?" Nathan asked.
"Someone needed my help," Lucas replied easily.
Nathan nodded and then held out the paper Lucas had returned to him. "Go ahead and read the rest," he told him.
Unashamed of the fact that he wanted to read the rest of the poem, Lucas didn't hesitate to take the paper.
Coming here,
I trusted in God's timing,
But meeting you today,
All that trust crumbled around me,
Just like the land,
That took him from you.
With you standing before me,
A light in your eyes,
A bright smile on your lips,
I couldn't comprehend,
Why God would spare me,
But take him from you.
I came here believing,
That God had a reason.
I came here believing,
That God had a purpose for me.
Now I fear,
That my being here,
Can only open old wounds,
And I am left wondering,
Why God would bring me here at all.
"I think you need to finish that letter to, Elizabeth," Lucas said, handing the poem back to Nathan. "Perhaps the two of you can figure out that reason together. Perhaps share that poem with her as well."
Nathan looked at him in disbelief. After the past couple of years of unspoken competition between them, Lucas didn't blame the man.
"I've tried the flattery, the candles, the fancy gifts and trips. It didn't work because I think Elizabeth simply wants something that comes from the heart. That poem is just that. Don't play it safe for once, Nathan. Take the risk."
Feeling that staying longer would just get awkward, Lucas stepped toward the door. "Goodnight, Nathan."
"Goodnight," Nathan said, following him to the door.
Lucas left the house and made his way to his car. As he settled behind the wheel, Lucas looked toward the house. Nathan was still standing in the doorway. He gave the man a quick wave before starting the car and continuing home.
Elizabeth read the letter again. It was probably the fourth time she had read it and it's accompanying poem since it had arrived in yesterday's mail. Nathan's admission had come as a shock. She had been angry at him at first, but had quickly realized that wasn't fair. Nathan had done nothing wrong. It was not Nathan's doing that Jack had taken the assignment he had been removed from. Hargraves had asked Jack to take it, and Jack had chosen to take the assignment. No one could have anticipated the landslide that had claimed her husband's life.
Jack's death had been a tragic accident. There was no one to blame. Not even God, though Elizabeth had attempted to do just that following Jack's death. It hadn't made her feel better.
Trying to blame Nathan now wouldn't make her feel better either and so she had let go of her anger.
"The words won't change, dear."
Elizabeth looked up at the sound of her mother's words. Grace Thatcher had a tray of tea things with that she placed on the coffee table in front of Elizabeth.
"I know," Elizabeth said, even as she placed the letter and poem aside.
"Would you like a listening ear?" Grace asked as she sat down next to her daughter.
Elizabeth found that she did. As her mother already knew about her confusing feelings about Nathan and the prisoner transfer, Elizabeth started with the newly revealed information in the letter. She accepted a cup of tea from her mother as she explained about the trouble Nathan had faced with the Mounties, the man who had tried to blame Nathan for both Novak's death and Jack's as well and Nathan's connection to the assignment Jack had been on when he died.
"Ever since I first talked to Nathan, I always felt like there was something he wanted to tell me but he never did. Apparently I was right," Elizabeth finished. She lifted her as of yet untouched tea to her lips.
"I can't imagine it would have been an easy subject to bring up," Grace commented.
"I suppose not," Elizabeth admitted. As she had told Rosemary, Nathan was a private person. He didn't open up easily. She still didn't know much about Ally's parents. If Archie Grant had never shown up in Hope Valley, she probably would have not known much about Nathan's relationship with his father either. "We also have not had a good chance to just sit down and have a long talk. Perhaps we would have if I had said yes to his dinner invitation. If I had said yes before he had left for that prisoner transfer perhaps things would not have felt so awkward after it."
"There is no reason you cannot still say yes, when you go home dear," Grace told her.
"Except that I don't know what I feel for Nathan," Elizabeth replied
"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Grace replied. "I don't think your hesitation is about confusion as much as it is about fear. You lost Jack so soon after you got married. It is understandable that you would fear suffering a loss like that again. But honey, Jack would want you to be happy again. Your father and I want you to be happy again. You owe it to your son to find someone who allows you to be happy again."
"Nathan has a way of making me feel happy," Elizabeth conceded, as she thought about her interactions with Nathan. The look on his face when she had put frosting on his nose could still bring a smile to her face.
"Then perhaps you should face your fears, dear. Open your heart to the possibility of love. There are never any guarantees in life. However, if we live in fear of what might be we would miss out on all the joys in life as well."
"It is so hard," Elizabeth said. "I know Jack wanted me to open my heart to love again, but I don't feel like I can do that alone."
"Then don't do it alone. Give your heart to someone who can share your joys and fears with you. Perhaps Nathan was brought to Hope Valley so that you could all heal."
Elizabeth looked at her mother, perplexed.
"Think about it dear. You lost your husband but you are not the only one in need of healing. Nathan lost his sister and Ally her mother. Nathan is raising Ally alone just like you are raising Jack alone. Jack needs a father in his life and Ally needs a mother in her life. Seems to me that you could all use one another. Maybe that is why God brought you all together."
Elizabeth pondered her mother's words. "You make it sound so simple," she said, as she leaned her arm against her mother's shoulder.
"Life is never simple, Elizabeth," Grace told her daughter as she rested her head against the top of her daughter's head.
Thinking about the words in Nathan's poem, Elizabeth wondered if perhaps that was the answer to Nathan's questions. Had God brought Nathan to Hope Valley so that the four of them could help each other to heal?
As Bill had anticipated, news of Hargraves dismissal from the Mounties made it to even Hope Valley. It was not often that the Mounties dismissed someone, let alone someone with as many years as Hargraves, from its ranks. However, Hargraves making the pictures meant that his connection to Constable Thornton's last assignment as well as the O'Rourke prisoner transfer made the news as well. With those stories, Constable Thornton and Constable Grant's names appeared. Once again, people in Hope Valley were whispering and casting wary glances at their Mountie.
Like he had when he first came, Nathan Grant held his head high and let them talk. When those closest to him asked him questions, he didn't avoid the questions. Though his answers were as short as ever, they were honest.
Getting as much whispering as the news story, was the fact that Nathan Grant and Lucas Bouchard seemed to be on cordial terms. The two greeted each other when they passed on the street and if Ally was off with her friends, Nathan was more often than not at the Queen of Hearts. If Bill or Lee was not with him, Nathan would be sitting at the bar chatting with Lucas. People were not sure what to think of it, though most noted that at least their constable was usually drinking tea or soda when at the saloon.
One Friday in early December, Nathan stepped out of his office to have Ally bound across the street to him.
"Are you done for the day, Uncle Nathan?" Ally asked energetically.
"I am," Nathan replied. "Why?" he asked warily. Ally wanted something, that much he knew.
"Well, you know how you promised me a trip to Benson Hills so I could pick out a Christmas present for you and we could get a few new ornaments for the tree?"
Nathan nodded. His daughter had been helping Rosemary with sewing orders to earn money for his Christmas present despite his protests that it wasn't necessary.
"Well, Mr. Bouchard offered to drive us this evening. He said he had something to do himself. He suggested we go, do our respective errands and have dinner there. He offered to pay. Can we Dad? I'll get my long ride in the car! Please!"
By this time, Ally had her hands clasped under her hands, looking up at him with pleading eyes. Nathan sighed. He knew there was no way he could tell her no.
"Fine," Nathan consented.
Ally squealed with delight as she bounced lightly on her feet.
"I want to go home and change first. Go see if Mr. Bouchard can pick us up in about a half hour," Nathan told her.
As Ally hurried back across the street, carefully looking both ways before doing so, Nathan looked up to meet Lucas' gaze. The small knowing smile on the man's face would have at one time irritated Nathan. Now, he didn't mind it at all. In fact, perhaps this outing was just what he and Ally needed. Christmas was only weeks away but Nathan had not felt much in the Christmas mood.
Lucas had soon agreed to the arrangement and Nathan and Ally headed home. While Ally was a bundle of energy, not able to stay still for long, Nathan quickly changed out of his serge. He was coming downstairs when Ally called from the front window that Lucas was out front. As Nathan's foot hit the boards of the first floor, Ally was in front of him with his coat. He chuckled at her excitement as she headed for the front door. Though Ally grabbed her coat, she headed out the front door before putting it on.
"Put your coat on, Ally," Nathan called out after her, having already put his on. He followed her out the door, pulling the door shut behind him.
Though still unbuttoned, Ally had the coat on as she reached Lucas' car. Nathan buttoned his own coat as he followed.
"Can I sit up front?" Ally asked excitedly, reaching the passenger side of the car. Lucas had gotten out of the car to meet her.
Lucas looked to Nathan, letting him make the decision.
"Go ahead," Nathan replied.
"Yes!" Ally exclaimed, even as Lucas opened the front door for her. The girl climbed in happily. Nathan noticed she still seemed to bounce.
Nathan got into the back of the car, sitting behind Ally.
"This is going to be soooo much fun!" Ally said as Lucas walked around the car to get back behind the wheel. "Maybe I can learn to drive," she said as Lucas opened the driver's side door.
"Not before you turn eighteen you're not," Nathan replied, seriously.
Ally gave a long side, but her disappointment was soon forgotten as Lucas started the car. Ally was an endless source of chatter during the drive to Benson Hills. Reaching the town, she asked her uncle if she could go shopping for his gift without her. Lucas offered to keep an eye on her. As he wanted to pick up another gift for Ally to go along with the paintbrush charm he had ordered, Nathan agreed.
"Make sure you stay with Mr. Bouchard!" Nathan called out as they started walking away.
"I will!" Ally replied.
"We will meet you at Regina's in forty-five minutes," Lucas assured him, mentioning the restaurant they had decided to eat at.
Nathan watched them walk away for a bit, part of him thinking he was crazy for letting his niece walk off with Lucas Bouchard. However, though he had his faults, Lucas was protective of those he cared about. Nathan had known that since hearing about Janette. The one thing he was sure of was that Lucas had a soft spot when it came to Ally. Nathan knew the man would look out for his niece.
That didn't mean he wasn't uneasy with letting her out of his sight in a town that wasn't home.
Eventually though, Nathan moved from his spot next to Lucas' car. He headed for the bookstore. He knew Ally would enjoy a new book or two as gifts. After paying for the two books he had selected, Nathan left the store. As they were going looking for the ornaments after dinner, Nathan spent the time glancing in the windows he passed by. Passing one shop, he saw a gift basket done up with several tins of different teas, jars of preserves, and dried fruits. Thinking it would make a nice gift for the Weisses as a thank you for always being willing to keep an eye on Ally when he had to be gone, Nathan went into the shop. He picked up one of the baskets and was heading toward the counter when something else caught his eye. On a shelf nearby were hair clips with a variety of birds attached to them. It had been the hair clip with a cardinal on it that had caught his eye. A cardinal, just like the ornament he had helped Elizabeth hand on their tree the previous Christmas.
Knowing he would talk himself out of it if he hesitated, Nathan picked up the hair clip and headed for the counter with his purchases. As Elizabeth had not responded to his letter, Nathan was not sure when or if he would have a chance to give her the gift. He wasn't even sure he would have the courage to give it to her for that matter. However, something inside him told him to buy it.
Nathan met up with Lucas and Ally at Regina's. The three went inside and were seated. After ordering, Ally excused herself for a moment. Lucas took that time to let Nathan know that he had lent Ally an extra thirty cents to buy his present.
"She had her heart set on that and was upset that she had not started earing money earlier. She said she is still going to be working with Rosemary as she is enjoying it, and she is going to be paying me back," Lucas hurriedly said, seeing the protest in Nathan's expression.
"I hate that she even thinks she needs to buy me something expensive," Nathan admitted.
"I think she just wants to do something nice for you given recent events," Lucas told him.
Nathan nodded and the subject was dropped as Ally returned to the table. Though Lucas paid for Ally's dinner along with his own, Nathan insisted paying for his own dinner. Lucas did not put up a protest. After dinner, the group looked for Christmas ornaments to add to the decorations this year.
On the way home, Ally fell asleep in the backseat. She was still sleeping when they reached Hope Valley. Instead of waking her up, Nathan carried his niece toward the house. Lucas went ahead, and held the door for him. He then returned to the car for the Grants' purchases. Lucas was placing the packages on the table when Nathan came back downstairs. Nathan thanked him and then Lucas was on his way home.
Though neither man would admit it out loud, they had enjoyed the time together. Neither was ready to admit it, but over the last few weeks, a friendship had formed between them.
