I'm bored. It's summer. I finally watched Attack on Titan season 4. I finished it a few weeks ago. Now I'm simultaneously watching/reading Tokyo Ghoul, Your Lie in April, and Death Parade. One depressing anime after another. Oh, I'm also rewatching Jojo's Bizarre Adventure with my brother's girlfriend because she wanted to watch it. There's also this sick fuck in my driver's ed class who hits his dogs and he simps for me for some reason. Suffice it to say that my mind is a bit fucked up right now. This is the result.
Also it's not canon at all and I do not two fucks because it's hard to remember all the specifics about titans and shit. There are also no manga spoilers because I'm a good person.
Chapter One- Spinal Fluid is Not the Same as Weed
"Hey, Eren I have a question for you."
"That sounds like a you problem, honestly."
Sasha huffed angrily and called her short maybe boyfriend over. "CONNIE!" She shouted. "EREN'S BEING A DICK AGAIN! COME SHOUT SOME SENSE INTO HIM."
Eren ignored her and continued staring at himself in the mirror that was conveniently placed in the common room of the scouts barracks or whatever. He was also shirtless.
Damn, I'm hot. He thought, as he did that one Jojo pose that made him look like a male stripper. Oh wait, they're all like that. These abs are thicker than my skull. He smirked as he admired himself.
Connie stomped over, hands on his hips as he stood at Sasha's side.
"EREN!" he yelled. "STOP BEING A DICK!"
Eren glanced up. Connie had a much shriller and annoying-er voice than Sasha so it was harder to ignore him.
He did a little fuckboy smirk as he thought of the perfect comeback and said, "Sorry, I can't stop being a dick. You know what they say. You are what you eat."
Mikasa stared at Eren in horror from across the room as Jean made some accidentally homophobic joke that just sounded like neighing.
Connie rolled his eyes and decided he would have to use more force to make Eren stop being rude to his waifu- I mean Sasha. (i don't care if sasha and that cook guy are canon, i ship sasha and connie and no one can stop me.)
"Eren listen here you little bitch. You cock-headed, knicker-stealing, wall-humping, narcissistic, grotty little shit. Don't be rude to Sasha. That's rude. Okay? Just be a decent person and let her ask you a question."
Eren frowned. He didn't like being called knicker-stealing. That was only once. And he was curious to find out what type of underwear Levi sempai wore uwu so he had an excuse. Plus he blamed it on Armin so Connie shouldn't even know that he was the one who did it. Whatever. Levi sempai believed that Armin did it so that was all that mattered.
He also had no idea what 'grotty' meant but it didn't sound good.
He just sighed and finally turned away from the mirror. He would get this over with quick so he could get back to gazing at the hulking specimen of a man that was him.
"What do you want Sasha." He asked, although it sounded more like a statement since i didn't put a question mark at the end.
"I was just wondering if you remembered anything from when your dad turned you into a titan."
Eren frowned. That was a sensitive topic for him. He had eaten his dad, and if that statement was taken out of context, some might think he lived in Sweet Home Alabama.
"I remember it, but it's kinda fuzzy."
"Does that mean that titan spinal fluid is like weeeeedddd? I HAVE TO GO FIND SOME!"
"Sasha what the fuck." Was all Eren could say. But then he decided he didn't care and returned to the mirror.
Connie sighed and facepalmed. "She did a lot of research on weed and it turns out it affects some people's memories or some shit. And Sasha ran out of weed. So she's looking for a substitute. I better go find her before she turns herself into a titan."
Connie proceeded to walk in the direction Sasha had run off in, a lot more calmly than Eren thought the situation called for.
He shrugged and decided he would imitate Dio's thot walk in the mirror next.
Levi sat in his room and gazed out the window, the light shimmering in his hair or something and highlighting his immense hotness. He wondered if he should've given the titan liquid to Erwin instead of Armin. Armin could be a little bitch sometimes. Once Armin stole his underwear and then blamed it on Eren.
Erwin could be a little bitch sometimes too though. Once he threatened to shave off his eyebrows and glue them onto Levi's face as a moustache if Levi didn't go buy him doritos.
Erwin was probably more of a bitch.
So saving Armin was the right choice, Levi concluded.
Suddenly a potato burst into his room.
"Levi! I need the titan drugs!"
Levi raised one perfect eyebrow at Sasha. "Why?" he asked.
"Because Eren says they have the same effect as weed on you!" She shouted.
Levi pondered this. He hadn't gotten high in a while.
"Fuck yeah." He said as he pulled the syringe out of his drawer. "Let's test it out. I'll try it first."
Levi didn't turn into a titan because of his special Ackerman blood but he did get a headache.
he sighed.
"Nevermind, potato. It doesn't get you high. Eren scammed us. Go tell him he's a little bitch and that he's really ugly."
Sasha did tell Eren he was a little bitch but didn't tell him was ugly. she didn't want to die, so instead she told him he looked like he smelled like poop. Because he did. Eren did not deny the validity of this statement so he let Sasha live.
I will update this whenever I feel like it.
