"Hey, Liv," Elliot mumbled against the top of her head one Friday evening as they laid on her couch, half watching some ridiculous action movie only on for background noise so they weren't sitting in total silence.
Eli was on a school trip. Noah was at a sleepover. Bernie had conned Kathleen and her new boyfriend, Joe, into taking her along to an art exhibit for the night. And on nights like these where they would be otherwise alone, they somehow wound up together.
They were still friends "for now." But whenever they spent an evening together these days, Olivia always seemed to find herself curled up against his side, arm slung over her shoulders, her head resting on his chest. After so many years avoiding contact and so many years apart, it'd been nice to be so close to one another and not have to talk about it, overanalyze it. They both just let it happen. It was natural, inevitable.
"Hmm," she hummed, feeling the soundwaves reverberate against his chest and then back against her own head.
"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked.
Oh, great. If Elliot was asking to ask her a personal question, instead of outright just doing it like he had so many times before, it must not be a good one.
"What kind of personal question?" she asked, sitting up and sliding just far enough away from him to look in his face. He was bald now. His nose and ears had kept growing a bit. His eyebrows sure needed a trim. But it was still the same face she loved looking at for 13 years, and the one she only saw in her dreams for 10 more.
"A personal personal one," he mumbled, trying to avoid her eyes.
"Spit it out, Elliot," she said through grit teeth.
Elliot mumbled something that sounded like "cucumbers," but she knew that couldn't be right.
"Speak up, detective," she said. "I left my supersonic hearing at the precinct today."
"I said what's your number," Elliot said a little louder, still staring at his hands.
What. The. Hell.
The audacity of this man. As if it wasn't bold enough when he asked her outright about her dating history when they were picking up Eli from the hospital. But the number of men she'd dated was one thing. Now he wanted her body count.
"Not really sure if that's any of your business," she said. "Because I could ask you the same question."
"Two," he mumbled. "I think you already knew that. Kathy and…"
He let the sentence trailed off, but she could fill in the red-haired Albanian blank herself.
"Nobody while you and Kathy were separated?" Olivia asked. "Not even Rebecca Hendrix? Dani Beck?"
"No. And definitely not Dani Beck," he said. "I don't know. I just felt like I was cheating back then."
"I mean you and Kathy were separated," Olivia said. "But I guess I can see how that would feel like cheating on her."
"Yeah, sure," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Cheating on Kathy."
She was quiet again, not wanting to answer.
"Liv?" Elliot asked. "So what's yours?"
Olivia let out an exasperated sigh.
"More than two," she muttered.
"More than 10?" Elliot asked.
"I don't know," Olivia snapped. "It's not like I have some little black book with all the names written down."
It was out of her mouth before she realized how it sounded.
"Who were they, Liv?" he asked. "I want to know who they were."
"Why do you care?" she asked. "What difference does it make if it was 4 or 45?"
"I just wanna know…" Elliot started and then stopped to clear his throat. "I just want to know who got to love you while I was wishing it was me."
She was fairly certain her heart stopped with his words. Elliot had always been a jealous thing. He'd always shown it through sarcastic quips and evil stares and his macho brovado. But this was different.
"I wanna know who they are and what they did," Elliot said. "Because they're not still around. And if I ever get to be lucky enough to love you like that, I want to make sure to give you what you want. What you deserve. I want to learn from their mistakes."
It was so raw, so honest. It was something she never expected out of "Jelliot" as Fin used to call him at times.
"I've dated a lot of men, El," she said. "Sometimes things just don't work out. Doesn't have anything to do with what they did or didn't do."
"But did you sleep with all of them?" he asked.
"Despite the rumors that go around, I'm not a slut," she said, the words coming out harsher than she expected.
But she hated the reputation she had around the NYPD. Just because she was in sex crimes, just because she was a pretty woman, just because she sometimes had what more religious people would call casual sex, didn't mean anything. It was her body, her sex life, her decisions.
"I never said you were," Elliot said. "But I know you have more experience than me and I… I don't want to disappoint you."
And there it was. A lot of big admissions coming out with just a few little words. Elliot loved her. He had thought about taking things further. He wanted to move beyond for now. But he was scared he wouldn't be enough for her. And that's when she realized she had to tell him the truth.
"Eight," she said. "My number is eight."
Elliot's eyes fluttered up to meet hers even though she desperately wanted to pull away.
"Lower than you thought?" she asked.
"A little, yeah," he said. "I mean… I always thought… You did say you've dated a lot of men."
"Dated yes," Olivia said. "Screwed, no."
"I promise you I don't mean any of this like it sounds," Elliot said. "I just expected more."
"My father was a rapist, Elliot," Olivia said. "Just somewhere in my mind casual sex, one nights stands, they were never all that appealing after knowing that fact. I enjoy it, sure. I wasn't exactly waiting for marriage. But I have some standards."
"I mean you know my backstories," Elliot said. "I want to know about yours."
"Is this really a conversation friends have with one another?" Olivia asked. "Is this really a conversation anyone has with one another?"
"Maybe not," Elliot said. "But you and I have never been just anyone."
He reached across the space on the couch and hooked her pinky with his. She searched his eyes for judgement, some kind of jealous power trip. But she couldn't find any. So she took a deep breath and started with number one.
"My first, his name was Burton Lowe," Olivia said. "He, um, he was my first serious boyfriend. I was sixteen. He was 21."
Elliot sucked in a deep breath, but he didn't say anything.
"He was one of my mother's students and I met him on campus," Olivia said. "He proposed to me and I said yes. He was going to take me away from my mother. But she forbid it. She told him she'd have him expelled if he didn't leave me alone. Told me he had a girlfriend his own age at school. Both were lies. And for years I thought she did it to punish me."
"That case we had the second year of our partnership," Elliot said. "The one where you asked me about soulmates. He's yours isn't he?"
Olivia shook her head and let out a bitter laugh.
"I thought that for years," Olivia said. "But he came back into my life last year. He's a crime writer now and he was working one of our cold cases. Turns out, he's a statutory rapist and a predator. He groomed me. And my mother was just trying to protect me from him. So no, he's not my soulmate."
Elliot slid her entire hand into his and squeezed tightly.
"Of course, I didn't know that until after he got me into bed again after nearly 40 years," Olivia said. "So that was fun. He's my first and also my most recent, if you were wondering."
She thought about what a pair she and Elliot made, sleeping with mob wives and statuatory rapists.
"The next was this guy named Billy in college," she said. "It was three years later but I was still heartbroken over the way Burton left. I started dating Billy my freshman year and moved in with him. I thought we were going to get married too. But then I found out he was cheating on me with three other girls. Fortunately that was after the pregnancy scare and I could just give him a clean break."
"You had a pregnancy scare?" Elliot asked and Olivia nodded.
"I was on my way to the abortion clinic for a consultation when I got my period," she said. "I'm glad I didn't have to make that decision. I believe in a woman's right to choose but at the same time, I did always really want to be a mom."
"And you're amazing at it," Elliot said. "Like I knew you always would be."
Olivia couldn't help but blush.
"The next was Jeffrey York," Olivia said. "Also in college. Don't know if you remember that case."
"Wasn't he gay?" Elliot asked. "And HIV positive?"
"He was," Olivia said. "He was a nice change of pace after Billy. He was really sweet. Liked to talk. We didn't do it often, and now I probably know why. Had to have Melinda test my blood after he died to make sure he didn't have it too. I was negative."
"I'm glad," Elliot said. "Remember when I had to take the anti-virals?"
"You were so sick from that." Olivia said. "I hated seeing you that way."
"The alternative would have been worse," he said. "I'm glad neither of us have to worry about that though."
Olivia nodded.
"The next is Cassidy, if you can believe it," she said.
"We'ren't you like 32 then?" Elliot asked. "That's a long ass break."
"Yeah, well, the pregnancy scare was really a scare," Olivia said. "It wasn't like I joined the convent. I just knew what I wanted and I didn't want to accidentally get pregnant and have to make that decision. Have it derail my career."
"Why did you end up with Cassidy anyway?" he asked. "Since you said you don't like one night stands."
"I was lonely and he clearly liked me," she said. "I knew he was safe and kind. I thought maybe we could be friends with benefits. I thought I could trust him. But then the bastard went and fell for me. He wanted to be with me. Not just be with me. Plus, I couldn't have the man I really wanted anyway."
"Yeah, and who was that?" Elliot asked, seemingly oblivious.
Olivia brushed the question off.
"I dated him again, you know," she said. "For a few years after you left."
"Seriously?" Elliot asked. "Did he ever grow up."
"Well, he was undercover when we reconnected," Olivia said. "I had to listen to him get a blow job from a hooker on the wire. Then he told me I was the love of his life."
"That kid was an ass," Elliot said.
"He had his own problems, El," Olivia said. "You didn't know him that well."
Elliot mashed his lip between his teeth, but didn't say anything else.
"Next was that federal marshal, Andy who I saw on and off for a few years," she said. "You remember him, too?"
"Vaguely," Elliot said. "I didn't like him. Kind of a hot head."
"Hey, the pot called to remind you, you're black," Olivia said.
"I was not that bad," Elliot said.
"Because I was there to reel you back in," she said.
"You broke up with him because he was too reckless," Elliot said. "I remember. And I didn't want to lose my partner for the same reason."
Olivia thinks about despite how Elliot could go off the rails from time to time she never felt unsafe with him. Not the way she did when she was around Andy. Not even now, not even with his undercover operations which she knew seemed to get more dangerous with each case.
"And I know you know the next one, Kurt Moss," she said. "Since you felt the need to get up in my business and go to his office to confront him after I got suspended."
"You weren't his source," Elliot said. "And he was an asshole for ever letting you take that fall."
"I was a big girl. I could handle myself," Olivia said.
"You can always handle yourself," Elliot said. "But that doesn't mean you should have to. And plus that was all Tucker's fault. Spying on you, outing your relationship to me and Cragen and then taunting us about it."
Olivia swallowed hard, not liking where this conversation was going to end. Elliot mistook it for his comment about not mentioning her relationship with Moss.
"Why didn't you tell us about him?" Elliot asked.
"You would have judged," she said.
"Only because he wasn't good enough for you," Elliot said.
"Shouldn't that be my decision?" she asked.
"No," Elliot said. "Because you don't understand how amazing you are. You deserved, still deserve, someone so much better than some slimy reporter like Moss."
"He was willing to have kids with me," Olivia whispered. "That was right around the time I got turned down for adoption. You told me to start thinking about having kids. And he was willing. But it wasn't meant to be."
She saw Elliot's eyes go soft, and he opened his mouth to say something but she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it. She didn't want him rehashing the offer he'd made all those years ago. How he would have supported her in any way she needed.
"You remember things got wild for a few years after that," she said. "I was dealing with the PTSD after Sealview and then Stuckey happened. Kathleen and Dickie and Jo and Sonia. And then you left."
Even being back for over a year, it still hurt to talk about all the time they missed together.
"A few months after that we got a new executive A.D.A., David," Olivia said. "We dated in secret for a while until we got caught up in a conflict of interest case. We could have disclosed but it was better to just break up and pretend it never happened."
She didn't want to look at him then.
"Olivia, did you want to disclose?" he asked. She couldn't look at him, and nodded yes with her eyes closed.
"So why didn't you?" he asked.
"David… I was his little secret," she said. "And it was just easier to pretend it never happened. Nobody knew anyway. No harm done."
"You shouldn't be anybody's secret," Elliot said. "If a guy isn't ready to shout from the rooftops that he's in love with you then he doesn't deserve you."
She wanted to make a comment about how he seemed to think he was entitled to her heart, but he never as so much hinted he wanted it until he blurted out that he loved her under duress at an intervention. And even that she could blame away as the PTSD. But, sehe couldn't think about that right now. She had a far bigger bombshell to drop.
"So that's seven, Liv," he said, counting on his fingers. "Who's the last guy?"
Deep breath. In and out.
"This last one has to be your Ed, right?" Elliot asked. "The man you loved? The one who died?"
"Yes," Olivia said. "He was my last serious relationship. The only one until Burton about a year ago."
"Is he Noah's father?" Elliot asked. "Fin said I had to ask you about that. But he has to be right? I'm so glad you found someone you loved enough to give you a son."
"Noah's adopted, El," she said. "His biological parents were a pimp and a prostitute. But Ed was the closest thing to a father he ever had."
"He treated you good, right?" Elliot asked. "Both you and Noah?"
"He did," Olivia said. "He loved me. And I loved him. He took Noah and I to Paris. It was almost like we were a real family."
It stung, more than it had in awhile what she and Ed could have been. She missed him, the version of him she got to know when they were older, without Elliot around. When she didn't feel the need to constantly take his side over everyone and everything.
"What happened, Liv?" he asked. "You almost married the man, you loved him. What happened between then and when he died?"
"He wanted me to retire," she said. "Wanted us to retire together. To be a family. To travel with Noah. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be done yet. That was five years ago. I'm still not done."
"Well, people who aren't cops don't always understand the pull to the job," Elliot said. "You just can't give it up until you're ready."
"He knew all about the job," she said.
"He was a cop?" Elliot asked.
"It was Ed Tucker, El," she said, afraid to meet his eyes.
Elliot was silent for a long time. Eventually she had to look at him, and he looked like she slapped him.
"Please say something," she said.
"Don't want to say the wrong thing," Elliot said. "I don't really have the right to feel like I'm feeling, do I?"
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Furious," Elliot sad. "Hurt. Ed Tucker is really dead?"
It was like she could see everything processing across his face.
"After we broke up he got married again," she said. "Had two stepsons. He was happy from what I could tell. Then he got a brain tumor. Secondary cancer, from the lung cancer he got from working search and rescue on 9/11."
Elliot nodded, his mouth still a tight line.
"He didn't want to be a burden to them," she said. "So he ate his gun."
She felt herself choke on the last word.
And then before she knew it, Elliot was in her space. His arms were wrapped around her once again, lips on her temple.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said. "It doesn't matter how I felt about him. You loved him and I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"He wasn't mine to grieve when it happened," she whispered. "He had a wife by then. And Simon died right around the same time. It was just a lot."
"I couldn't have gotten through Kathy's death without you," he said. "And I'm sorry I wasn't here when all that happened to you. But I'm here now. You can grieve now."
"I hadn't been with anyone after Tucker because I figured he was my last chance," she said. "Until Burton came back in my life. I'm too old for this now, El. I can't keep giving myself to men who leave or turn out to be rapists or creeps or jerks. It's not just me now. Any decision I make affects Noah too."
They were both quiet for a while. Elliot let his fingers trail gently up her spine in a soothing motion. It was calming, relaxing. It was like just by being near to her he was taking on some of her pain.
"Olivia, I want to tell you something, but I don't know if you'll believe me," he said.
"Try me," she whispered.
"I love you," he said. "I've loved you for a long time. But I've never been good enough for you. And it used to hurt me to watch you go after guy after guy who couldn't give you everything you deserved. I knew I couldn't either, but I could see what you were worth."
Olivia felt a tear slip from her eye.
"And as much as I didn't get along with Tucker," Elliot said. "It sounds like he tried to give you everything you ever wanted, ever needed. And I'm sorry it didn't work out. I hope you know that the only thing I ever really wanted was for you to be happy, to be a mother, to know there are people who love you, who are your family."
She nodded silently against his chest.
"I may not be who you want, may not be able to give you everything you need," Elliot said. "But if you ever decide to move beyond "friends for now," I will never ever hurt your or Noah. Leaving you for 10 years was the hardest thing I ever did. And now that I've heard your voice again, I'll never be able to leave. Now that I've met your son, I can't just step out of his life. I don't expect you to believe me. But I do hope you'll let me show you for as long as you need to see it, for as long as you need the proof that you're stuck with me."
How long had Olivia waited for a moment like this? Waited to hear Elliot say the things she'd always wanted to hear. There were a million ways she could have answered him, but there was one that just seemed right.
Slowly, Olivia tilted her head to look Elliot in the eye, and he smiled back down at her with that giddy schoolboy look he'd given her so many times since he'd been back. And that's when she knew, this decision was right. She arched her neck and let their lips connect is a gentle but loaded kiss.
"What was that for?" Elliot asked.
"I want to believe you," she said. "It just might take a little time. Can you wait for me to catch up?"
"Of course," he said. "I'm glad to know you only give yourself to guys who you think are worthy. Even if they turn out not to be who you thought they were in the end. And I hope I can be one of them. For me, I'm thinking the third time will be the charm. And that'll be it. I won't need another number beyond that."
Olivia giggled at how ridiculous but also adorable he sounded.
"What do you think they say about a number nine?" she asked.
He knit his eyebrows together, likely trying to come up with something clever, but she already had it.
"Maybe they say number nine is all mine, forever," she said.
"I'd be honored to be your number nine," he said.
"Someday," she said.
"Someday soon?" he asked with a cheeky grin.
"Don't push your luck," she said, poking him in the ribs.
"Take all the time you need Liv," he said pulling her back against his chest. "I'm not going anywhere."
