Give Me Shelter

Summary: After Season 1, Episode 10: Two weeks after Victor comes out to his family, schools are closed because of the pandemic. The lockdown hits before his mom can leave, his dad is out of work, and there's no escape from the proof of how damaged his family is now.

A/N: I adjusted the timeline, so I'm pretending the Spring Fling was mid-March instead of May.

Day 1000 of school done. Sorry. Day 13. It just feels like 1000. I pressed send on the text sometime around noon; I didn't bother looking at the exact time stamp. It didn't matter; time would continue to move agonizingly slow regardless of what time it was. I finished my schoolwork for the day and now, faced with a long day ahead of me with nothing to do, I felt that same restless feeling spreading through me that had become my constant companion over the last few weeks. I tossed my phone on my desk and fell back on my bed.

I knew I wouldn't hear back from Benji for a bit. Wednesdays were his guitar days. For his Advanced Guitar class, he had to record something and attach it to his Google Classroom for credit, so he was probably tucked away, practicing and recording the song they'd been working on. I couldn't fully wrap my head around the fact that he'd asked to be able to do this. Yeah, that was right. He and the other kids in his class cared so much about improving at guitar, they'd asked for extra work to do. Six days a week, I really respected how much he wanted to practice guitar, but I always hated it just a little bit on Wednesdays.

It had been almost three weeks since we got the call that school was going remote exactly two weeks after the Spring Fling, but it felt like it had been decades. I still felt a little blindsided by it. I didn't know if it was because I was so wrapped up in all my stuff that I was oblivious to the virus that was spreading around me but when my English teacher told us we might be moving to a virtual schedule if things didn't calm down, I truly had no idea what she was talking about. Benji, who was capable of multi-tasking despite the chaos I started in Willacoochee, was painfully aware of the virus. His great uncle (who lived way up north in… New Jersey? New York? New Hampshire? Definitely one of the "New" states) got COVID from a nursing home he worked in and had been hospitalized two days before school went remote. Benji had been so optimistic that he'd get better, but he didn't. He passed away just a few days later.

I thought it hit Benji's mom particularly hard. Her uncle was only like six years older than her or something and he was totally healthy – ran in marathons and whatnot. He was one of those freak scenarios that we kept hearing about where, for some reason, he just couldn't fight off the virus. When Benji was younger, they used to road trip to see him every summer. He was out of school the three days before we got the call, and his mom didn't want him leaving his house, so I hadn't seen him in… forever. It honestly felt like that. Forever.

I couldn't blame him. Aside from school being out and my dad being furloughed and my parents still living together because they couldn't make other arrangements, I'd been untouched by this but that was nothing compared to what Benji had gone through. His mom went into a panic when he left his house to go to the mailbox so, right now, we were stuck in virtual limbo. I didn't think either of us knew what to call our relationship. We were together a couple of weeks before quarantine became our new normal. I didn't even know if we could technically call it dating. Was it dating if we never had the chance to go on a date? Did our phone calls count as dates? I had no clue.

When we'd first gotten the call, we never imagined that we'd still be out of school now. Somehow, two weeks had turned into five weeks and there were rumors that it would be extended again; it was hard to believe we were facing the possibility that we wouldn't be returning to school this year at all. The first week wasn't too bad because my dad was still working, and I was still working. Then people weren't allowed in Brasstown. We tried to do phone orders for a bit, but it was too slow to justify keeping everyone on, so Sarah scaled back so it was just her and the Assistant Manager that replaced Benji on the schedule. Then my dad got furloughed. Apparently, middle management was inessential. How that was possible, I had no idea, but my dad was annoyed and surly about it all the time.

At first, he spent half his time trying to get through to unemployment and the other half picking fights with anyone he could find. Pilar, Adrian, and I had mutually decided to stay out of his way, which really meant he was picking fights with my mom. Now that his unemployment was figured out, it felt like he spent all his time fighting with my mom. Things were… tense at home. If anyone was wondering what happened when a global pandemic hit before a couple that had decided to separate had the chance to separate, they didn't need to wonder any longer. It created this trapped feeling for all of us, but especially for them. The smallest things set them off and, in an attempt to separate themselves from us, they always fought in their bedroom. It didn't help.

The longer they went without being able to find their own spaces in our apartment, the worse it got. They argued like it was their job. They argued about my mom's affair and my dad's fight and our move from Texas and the bomb I dropped on them after Spring Fling. They took jabs at each other about money and piano lessons and my dad being furloughed and some more about me. They fought about whether Adrian was getting too much screen time and whether we were learning anything in school and my mom's idea for virtual piano lessons and then some more about me. They angrily debated whether they should repaint the walls and whether they needed to get more rice when they went grocery shopping and whether stairs went up or down (I kid you not - they lost a whole afternoon over this; I couldn't even tell you who was arguing what because we were in shock that they were arguing over something like that in the first place) and, you guessed it, more about me. It was weird because some of the time, they weren't actually arguing; they were agreeing with each other and were just doing it in loud, angry voices and trying to one-up the other. Just a few days earlier, they got into this massive fight about their grocery list that ended with my dad shouting about how he was "a grown man" who was fully "capable of picking up some damn chicken". It was stressing all of us out. Adrian and Pilar probably didn't agree, but I felt like the worst was when they got quiet. It was almost like they were talking about something so bad, they were extra on guard.

For the most part, they tried to stay out of each other's way, but it was inevitable that their paths would cross and, once they did, their verbal swords crossed as well.

We all had our ways of coping. Pilar shocked all of us when she got into baking. I'd heard more about the yeast shortage than I had about COVID. She was pretty good too. Some of her experiments were only just edible, but she made our apartment smell like a bakery, so I wasn't complaining. When she nailed her creations, she really nailed them. She made this coconut cream pie that was genuinely the best thing I'd ever tasted. Her sourdough was pretty great too. She had a starter that she named Ghost and treated like her baby. While she baked, she blasted music through her headphones. The first couple of times, she just played her music out loud, but it became obvious that our parents just got louder to compete against the sound. Even now, her music was so loud I could hear it when I left my room. I thought it helped her to drown out the world.

Adrian had started drawing. He was no Van Gogh, but he was pretty good for a little kid. Pilar and I made a point of spending some time with him every day. We didn't bring up what was happening behind our parent's closed, far-from-soundproof door, and Adrian never asked. He must've known everything by now. We'd done our best to keep my dad's fight and the affair away from him. At my parents' request, we hadn't told him about me either. Their constant arguing kind of negated all of our pre-pandemic efforts, but he made it easy to forget that. When we were with Adrian, we mostly tried to play some kind of game or talk about one of the how-to-draw books that Pilar and I pitched in to buy for him once we realized he wasn't spending all his time cocooned in his comforter watching unboxing videos (that had honestly been our fear). When he wasn't drawing, he spent some of his time talking to his classmates on Zoom; his teacher set it up so they would be able to see each other.

As for me, aside from when I was with Adrian and Pilar, I was in my room or on a walk. Thank God that calling Benji gave me a chance to leave because, otherwise, I thought I'd be going crazy. I'd barely seen my parents since my dad got furloughed; I'd mostly only heard them or seen them in passing but that was more than enough. I knew they were avoiding me just as much as I was avoiding them. Sometimes, I just wanted to barge into their bedroom and tell them that if they were the ones with the problem, then they were the problem. I'd worked out exactly what I would say to them too (and in my head, it was pretty epic), but something always stopped me. I thought with the future being a giant question mark, it didn't seem worth it to stir the pot when we didn't know how long we were going to be trapped together.

I glanced at my phone on my desk. I considered texting Simon, but he wasn't struggling through quarantine so much as he was embracing the quality time he got to spend alone with Bram. He called it his "staycation". He hadn't left his apartment in weeks aside to go grocery shopping and you'd have thought those were romantic excursions. Don't get me wrong, I was happy that he was happy. I thought it was great that he was the only person in existence benefiting from the pandemic, but he didn't get how hard this was for everyone else. Even Justin had said that Simon and Bram were really hard to stomach right now. His exact words had been, "I'm glad their happy, but I'd be happier if they were miserable like the rest of us so they could stop throwing their happiness in our faces." That was kind of the perfect way to describe it.

Maybe I should text Justin. Of all of Simon's roommates, he definitely got me the most. But in order to text him, I'd have to stand up and then walk all the way to my desk and then write a whole text message. That seemed like so much work.

I considered getting dressed, but it was hard to find a reason to put in the effort. Most days, I changed from one set of pajamas to another if I changed at all. Pilar and Adrian did the same thing. We might as well try to make ourselves a little more comfortable. Getting dressed seemed like way more effort than texting someone, so the thought was fleeting.

Instead, I rolled over and buried my head in my pillow. I would've loved to scream. If it wasn't for Pilar and Adrian, I probably would have just to get out some of the frustration and guilt that no amount of walking could work off.

I must've fallen asleep at some point because my phone's ringtone woke me up. I groggily got up and grabbed my phone off my desk. I didn't even look to see who it was as I answered it with my eyes still closed. Benji was the only person that called me these days. "Hello?" I rubbed my eyes and suppressed a yawn. When I finally opened them, the darkness felt confusingly bright. I knew it was still daytime because there was an outline of light around my curtains but little of that brightness made it into my room.

"Come outside," Benji requested.

"Did you drop something off for me?" I asked uncertainly. I'd dropped off Pilar's baking to him a few times, but he'd barely left his house, so he hadn't been able to do the same. I wondered if he had something delivered to my apartment; that seemed more likely than his mom letting him out for an extended period of time.

"Something like that."

"Hold on. Let me find my shoes." I still felt groggy as I looked for them. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that turning on the light would help me find them. When I did spot them, I nearly put them on the wrong feet. Finally, I was ready to leave. I glanced at my watch from the hallway. It was around when I usually took my daily 2-3 hour walk (and one time, a memorable 5 hours). I left at just the right time to ensure that I was not home for an awkwardly silent family dinner. I'd take a cold dinner over that any day.

When I was pushing open the door to get outside, I asked, "okay, what am I looking for?" I was looking towards the bottom of the stairs, but I didn't see anything.

"Me." I heard him in person a split second before I heard him through my phone. It kind of sounded like an echo.

I turned slowly. He was leaning back against the brick with a huge smile on his face as if he was pleased with how surprised I must have looked. For a moment, I just took him in. FaceTime didn't do him justice. Like we were talking in person, my ass. I took a step towards him, not sure if I planned to hug him or kiss him or some mix of the two. Before I made it to him, I remembered why I hadn't seen him in person in three weeks. I put my hands in my pajama pockets because I didn't trust myself to do anything else. "What are you doing here?"

We were close enough that I could hear my voice through his phone as well. He hung up on me and tucked his phone into his pocket. I could see the string of a mask dangling out of his pocket; his mom no doubt made him wear it before she'd even consider letting him leave. I wondered where she thought he was; there was no way she knew he was here. He shrugged. "I wanted to see you," he explained.

"But… Covid and pandemic and virus." I recognized that those were all the same exact reason after I said them, but there was no taking it back.

Benji's lips twitched as he tried not to laugh at me. "I have not seen a single person outside of my parents in over three weeks. You haven't been around anyone outside of your family. I think we're safe to see each other," he pointed out. I knew he was probably right, but I still felt inexplicably nervous about it, like we were doing something wrong. His smile faltered. "Maybe I should have asked first. I just figured you might want to see me too."

"No, I do. I really do," I assured him. "But I thought your mom wasn't okay with you seeing me. What's she going to say when she finds out?" Felix had been over at Lake's house literally every day (and a good amount of nights) because Lake's mom was working crazy hours with a reduced crew, but when I suggested it to Benji, he didn't even try to ask her. He didn't need to. In a feat of ironically good timing, she'd burst into his room to let him know that one of his cousins (the kid of his great uncle - we'd tried to figure out if that's technically a second cousin or a first cousin once removed but, even after googling it, neither of us felt confident enough to come up with a definitive answer) had COVID. She immediately followed that with how grateful she was that Benji was right under her nose where she could be sure he was safe. After that, there didn't seem to be a reason to broach the topic.

Benji instantly looked uncomfortable. He did this thing where he kind of hunched his shoulders and looked like he was withdrawing into himself. "This was her idea. She's worried about me." He looked away from me, and I knew that face. He'd called me out on my uncomfortable scrunch face, but his nervous brooding face was every bit as obvious. I'd become very well accustomed to that look over FaceTime. We may not have been able to see each other over the past three weeks, but we definitely dug deeper than I ever had before. I felt like I really knew Benji now, and I couldn't imagine there's much he didn't know about me.

"Why?" I asked quietly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really. She's just having a tough time believing that," he muttered.

"Why doesn't she believe you?" I questioned.

"Because I spend all my time in my bedroom and you're the only person close to my age that I talk to?" He sighed. "I haven't talked to my bandmates since everything went down with Derek, so outside of FaceTiming with you until my phone dies, I spend all my time in my room playing guitar. She thinks I'm depressed."

"Are you?" I asked uncomfortably.

He looked nervous. "A little, I guess, but who isn't?" That was a pretty good point. I couldn't claim to be in a state of peak mental health when I hadn't changed out of these pajamas in three days. I suddenly felt self-conscious about whether they smelled. I hadn't noticed anything, but I hadn't been trying to notice anything, so I didn't trust my judgment. I tried to subtly air out my shirt. "It's been hard being cooped up inside. It's one of the reasons she's letting me do this. She thinks it will be good for me."

I started to reach for his hand but caught myself again. I thought this might be actual torture, having him in front of me but still needing to keep my distance. "So how long did your mom give you?" I asked curiously.

"Actually…" Benji shifted a little and looked at me uncertainly.

I tensed. "What?"

"Okay, so you can say no to this. I don't want you to feel obligated just because my mom thinks I'm going crazy. If you're not comfortable with this, I will be fine," he assured me.

"I can't tell you if I'm comfortable until I know what you're talking about," I pointed out.

"My mom was wondering if you might want to spend a few days over at our place," Benji said slowly. I stared at him. This was a twist I was unprepared for. He continued as if he was oblivious to my shock. "She said she'd feel better about me seeing you if she didn't have to worry about where we've been, and I filled her in a little about what's been happening with your parents. Not everything, just enough to explain that they're distracting you from your schoolwork." I raised my eyebrows at him. Our first week, we were completely overloaded with work. Then, we got this long email from our principal about how they were working out the kinks of virtual learning and she wanted to assure us that we would be excused from any assignments we missed. Now, most of my teachers posted small assignments to Google Classroom every morning if they posted anything at all. There wasn't much schoolwork to be distracted from. I wondered if Benji used that line because his mom was a Vice Principal at some fancy private school. If anything might compel her to violate this lockdown, it would probably be school. "We have a spare bedroom that you can stay in if that would make you more comfortable and you've seen my setup for school. You wouldn't need to bring anything except your school stuff and enough clothes to get you through a few days."

"How long is a few days?" I wondered.

"Honestly? As long as you want," he told me sincerely. "I wouldn't care if you stayed until this pandemic is over."

"This isn't like a messed-up April Fool's joke, is it?"

"Is it April?" Benji asked surprised.

"Yeah. As of today."

"I promise this is not an April Fool's joke. I'm just tired of missing you, and I'd love it if I could not miss you for a while."

Maybe it was the sincerity in his voice or the longing that I didn't think I was imagining or just the fact that I might be able to spend real time with Benji, but I lost my ability to have rational thought. "Yes."

"Yes?" he confirmed.

"Yes."

I didn't know if I moved first or if he did; I didn't know if we should hug first or kiss first or do a hybrid of the two; I didn't even know if this was technically okay, but I did know that I was out of shits to give.

I'd thought this would be like our first kiss all over again but kissing Benji was kind of like riding a bicycle. His hand instantly grazed my cheek and then rested on the back of my neck as if we'd been doing this our whole lives.

I didn't know if he tugged my head down or if I was already leaning down to kiss him, but when we finally kissed… it was everything. I'd replayed our kisses from before the lockdown over and over and over in my head to the point where I'd been sure I was over-romanticizing them. I wasn't; I absolutely wasn't. If anything, I hadn't been doing him justice. I forgot this part. I forgot about how gloriously awkward it felt at times and how that only makes it infinitely more real. I forgot about the influx of emotions that filled me when he kissed me. It was like I was being submerged in lava, but I was inexplicably immune to getting burnt. It flowed through my veins making me feel everything so much more acutely.

I forgot how soft Benji's lips were and how easy it was to thread my hand through his hair and how he held me just a little too tight. I forgot how warm I felt in his embrace and how butterflies weren't strong enough to describe the sensation in my stomach and how easy it was to forget to breathe when I was with Benji. I forgot how right it felt when I was with him and how I got a sense of fullness as if I was exactly who I was supposed to be in that moment. I desperately hoped that I never had the chance to forget again.

He pulled back too soon and looked at me nervously. "Was that okay? I figure if you're going to be coming over anyway, we're essentially going to be sharing the same germs and, hopefully, there will be a lot more of this."

I thought that may be the most ridiculous question he'd ever asked me. When would kissing Benji not be okay? I guess it was a rational question in the middle of a pandemic. It was more than okay; it might be the only thing okay with our world right now. I hugged him tight. "I hope so too. Much more of this." I didn't know if I made sense because I thought I was drunk on our kiss, and it made my brain feel a little hazy. After a moment, I leaned down and kissed him again because we simply had not kissed enough.

It was a short kiss because I suddenly remembered that we were standing in front of my apartment building in broad daylight. On a normal day, there would have been people taking walks or riding their bikes or walking their dogs; instead, it was almost empty. I saw some kid riding his bike in the distance and a couple taking a walk, but they were the only souls in sight. When I took my walks, I usually passed a couple dozen people, so I was surprised to see how deserted it was right now.

It still made me nervous to know that anyone could just wander by and see us. Despite that, I couldn't let go of his hand. I knew it was irrational, but I was kind of afraid that if I let go, he'd disappear, and I'd wake up in bed just to realize this was all a dream.

"How much should I pack?" I only asked it to delay the inevitable moment where I'd have to leave him and put my faith in the fact that he was really here. There was no way I could bring him up to my apartment. I knew my parents couldn't handle that, and I wouldn't be able to handle them not handling it.

He shrugged. "Pack whatever. You can always do laundry if you're staying longer than your clothes last," he pointed out.

"Wait here," I ordered. "I'll be back down soon." He sat down on the steps.

It didn't dawn on me until I was throwing clothes into my duffel bag and packing my school bag that I needed to tell my parents where I was going. Sure, they may spend more time arguing and avoiding each other than they did acknowledging us, but I couldn't just leave without telling them.

Telling them seemed like a particularly daunting task right now, so I decided to start with someone easier. I dropped my duffel bag and backpack next to the front door before I went into the kitchen. Pilar was hunched over the counter and had a tube of white icing in her hand. She had a look of intense concentration on her face. I wasn't sure what she was working on because she was in the early stages. I tapped her headphones.

She pulled them off and looked at me. "What?" she asked.

"I, uh…" I shuffled on my feet. "Benji's outside."

She looked at me surprised. "Okay."

"He…" I looked down at the floor because telling Pilar I was leaving was way harder than I expected. We'd been a team these last few weeks; united in our joint need to avoid our parents and make things as normal as possible for Adrian. The pandemic made us closer in a lot of ways. "You know, he asked me if I wanted to stay with him for a bit."

I didn't look up at her until she nudged my elbow. "Good."

"You think?"

"Yeah. Vic, it's been a shitshow around here. But… do you think they'll say yes?"

"I don't plan on asking them," I told her. "I know that's messed up, but I know they'll say no, and I can't… I have to…"

"I get it," she promised. She picked up her icing and immediately put it back down. "I've been really worried about you. This sucks for me and Adrian, but…" She looked up at me. "I think going with Benji is what you need to do. Get away from this shitshow."

"What are you making?" I asked to change the subject.

"Skeletons."

I bit back my laughter. "Oh, yeah?"

"If you want to take a few of them with you, those are my early ones. I think I'm getting better with the icing."

I inspected the cookies she had set aside. I didn't know that they looked like skeletons. It mostly looked like she'd added white icing to a red person-shaped cookie. "How'd you make them red?"

"Food dye. I didn't think the icing would pop against a white cookie."

"It certainly pops." It kinda looked creepy, which Pilar was probably really proud of. "They're not bad."

She grinned at me. "Those ones suck. I didn't wait long enough for the cookies to cool. These are better."

She pointed to the ones she has in a little plastic container. They actually looked like skeletons with tiny bones making up the body. "Those are better. Why can't I take those?"

"They're for Felix."

I had to look away because it became painfully obvious to me about a week ago that Pilar was head over heels for Felix. I couldn't claim to be attuned to her feelings about 99% of the time, but she made it so obvious. Part of me hoped I was just reading too much into how Felix got the best of the best with her baking and that she'd taken requests from him and how smiley she got when they were texting each other (which was All. The. Time). I felt like this was gonna be so messy, especially considering that Felix was so in love with Lake.

I put some of the cookies in a bag. "Is it cool if I take a good one for Benji?"

She eyed me. "One."

I added it to the bag before I placed it on top of my duffel bag. "I'm gonna check in with Adrian before I go to mom and dad."

"Good luck."

I knocked before I opened Adrian's door. He had a blanket wrapped around him and his iPad is in front of him. When he saw me, his face lit up. "Hey. Are we gonna do a board game night?" he asked hopefully. He paused whatever he was watching.

"Not tonight," I said gently. "Can I sit down?"

He nodded, and I sat down next to him. "What are you watching?"

"A movie for Social Studies. It's about Ruby Bridges."

"Who?" I asked uncertainly.

"She was the first black kid to go to school." I vaguely remembered learning about her in school.

"Do you like it?"

"It's interesting," he said. "I wish we were doing more than watching movies for Social Studies. I mean, it's crazy to think that sixty years ago, people couldn't go to good schools."

"Yeah, it is," I agreed.

Only him. I technically had to watch movies and then write a couple of sentences about my reaction for History, but our teacher gave us credit for submitting assignments, so I'd started paraphrasing the summaries I found on Google. I wasn't complaining; it was better than having to outline which was what Benji's history teacher was assigning every week.

Adrian was different; he actually cared. He was definitely way smarter than Pilar and I'd been at his age, and I thought he knew that. He's gotta be one of the smartest kids in his grade. "I've been looking up some other stuff. Did you know there was a Mexican family that fought to get their kids into a white school over ten years before Ruby Bridges went to school?"

"No, I didn't."

"Yeah. It's kind of cool. It was only in California, but the same lawyer represented both and used some of the same arguments."

"That's cool." I brought up my feet, so I was facing him. "I hope that you'll, you know, keep sharing stuff like that with me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to be staying with a friend for a bit."

"Are they kicking you out?" His voice was impossibly small, and he pulled his blanket tighter around him.

"Of course not. They wouldn't do that," I assured him. It was true. They hated that I was gay, but they loved me. No matter how angry they got, I believed that.

"Are you staying with Felix?"

I shook my head. "A different friend."

"A friend you like?" he asked curiously.

I ducked my head. I was getting dangerously close to crossing the line my parents put in place the day after I came out to them. It was essentially their only rule. I couldn't tell Adrian about Benji or that I was gay. Not that it mattered because they hadn't been quiet enough to keep it from him, but I'd still avoided the topic with him. "We haven't talked about this, have we?"

"I don't think there's anything to talk about," he said simply.

"But you know that I'm…" I trailed off. I thought once I told my parents I was gay, the words would come so easily, but they still got caught in my throat every time. I could almost hear my mom's voice in my head, he's just a little kid. He's not ready to know about this.

"Gay," he finished. "Yeah. And?"

"I wasn't sure if you had any questions about that."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Are you happy?"

"Yeah, papa. I am."

"Then I think that's all that matters."

I shifted so I could hug him. "Thanks."

When I pulled back from him, he looked sad. "When will you come home?"

"I don't know. Not for a while, probably," I told him. He nodded, but I could see he was upset. "Don't worry. I'm gonna FaceTime Pilar so much, it'll be like I'm not even gone. Trust me. You'll be sick of me."

I stayed with Adrian another minute. I'd love to spend some more time with him, but Benji was waiting outside, and I'd already put this off long enough.

I was outside my parents' door for what felt like an hour. I knew it hadn't been that much time because Benji hadn't called, and my phone was in my hand like a lifeline. I could hear through the door that their latest argument was about what movie they went to see for their second date. I didn't know who was arguing what because my mom asserted that he probably saw the movie with Chrissie Lopez, his girlfriend before he started dating her and, suddenly, their argument was a little different. Nothing evolved quite like their fighting. I wouldn't be able to keep track of it if I tried.

I took a deep breath before I knocked and went in. My mom's hands were on her hips and my dad's arms fell to his side. It was the first time I'd actively sought them out since I came out to them, and they looked wary when they saw me. I opened and closed my mouth. What was I supposed to say?

"Do you need something, Victor?" My mom was looking down at the floor as if she couldn't bring herself to look at me. The action filled me with both anger and shame.

"I… uh… I'm going to be gone for a bit," I explained. I felt like my voice sounded strange like I was talking from underwater or something.

My parents glanced at each other, and then my dad looked back at me. "And where exactly are you going?" my mom demanded.

I knew it was childish, but I was hoping she wouldn't ask. I looked at the floor. "I'm going to Benji's," I admitted.

"Excuse me?" My mom said. "You can't just go running off to your… to his house."

Of all the things my parents struggled with, Benji was number one. I'd been pleasantly surprised by how they'd reacted to me coming out. When I got the words "I'm gay" out for the first time, we seemed to live in the silence. My mom had looked stunned and upset, but the first words out of her mouth had been "okay." It was more than I'd dared hope for. In retrospect, that was where I should have stopped and taken my victory, but I'd been so relieved. I pushed it too far. The moment I told them about Benji, you would have thought I told them I personally manufactured and distributed COVID. I thought Benji made it real for them; until Benji was in the picture, "gay" was just a word.

"His mom invited me," I said quietly. "Both of his parents are working from home right now. They haven't left since things started getting shut down. It's completely safe." I didn't think safety was her concern, but it was easier to pretend that it was.

"I don't know," my mom said slowly.

I shifted slightly. All of the words I'd thought about saying before were swirling around in my head. I felt like I couldn't leave and say something like, "I'll text you when I'll be coming home". They needed more than that, and I needed to get this off of my chest.

I took a deep breath. "I'm not asking permission. I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but I'm not. I'm going to Benji's. I can't stay here. You guys are driving us all crazy with your constant fighting. Do you think we can't hear you? That I can't hear you? I know you're in a bad place and coming out to you right after you decided to separate probably wasn't the best time to tell you. And I'm sorry for that; I really am, but I'm not sorry that you know. I wish it wasn't getting to you like this but that's on you, not me. Part of the reason that it took me so long to come to terms with who I am is because of you. I was terrified that I would break this family, but I didn't break us. How could I have when we were already so broken?" I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. "You can't change what happened. You can't change that you had an affair or that he beat up his boss because of it. And you definitely can't change that I'm gay. You need to figure out how to live with those things and until you do… I'm going to stay out of your way. For my sake."

My mom was staring at me with her mouth slightly agape as if she couldn't believe I'd just said what I said. That made two of us.

"Be safe," my dad said gruffly after a minute passed. "Check in with us…" he glanced at my mom. "With me once a day, okay? And give my number to Benji's parents. They need to be able to get in touch if anything happens."

I thought I looked as shocked as my mom did. "Uh… yeah. Of course." I looked at my mom and knew I wasn't getting anything like that from her. I turned and walked out. I half expected to hear her order me to stay, but there was nothing but silence until I shut the door. Even then, I didn't hear arguing. I wasn't sure if they'd actually stopped or if my heart was beating too loudly for me to hear.

I pulled my overflowing duffel bag over my shoulder and gingerly held the cookies as if keeping them from breaking might also prevent my own world from crumbling.

Benji was waiting right where I left him. I had the strangest feeling – kind of like I was trapped in a water balloon. I couldn't quite get my bearings. I didn't know if he said anything, but his smile faded. It wasn't until he was right in front of me with his hand on my shoulder that I felt like someone popped my balloon.

"Victor," he said loudly as he shook my shoulder.

"Sorry. What did you say?" I asked.

"What happened?" Benji asked concerned.

"I…" I didn't even know how to describe what just happened. Probably something long overdue, but I couldn't even begin to think about how to explain it to Benji. I felt like I needed some time to process it all. The words already were slipping away like I'd spoken them decades ago rather than minutes ago, and I was losing the adrenaline that gave me the strength to say what I'd said, so I was also starting to feel nauseated. "I'll tell you later," I promised. "Let's get out of here."

Benji pulled my duffel bag off my shoulder and let the strap wrap around him like it was a messenger bag. "Let's go."

I felt like my head cleared a little more with every step I took. I should have probably felt sad that I needed an escape from my parents, but I was mostly filled with a growing euphoria that I was about to have a break from them and that I was done.

When we reached Benji's street, I allowed my giddiness and relief to take over, and I grabbed his hand. He looked surprised but pleased about it. I knew that any number of people could see us but honestly? I didn't have it in me to care. Besides, what was the worst they could do from six feet away?

When we walked in, Benji's mom was on the phone and was pacing in their foyer. I recognized her from the few times she showed up in the background of Benji's FaceTime calls. I'd been to his house twice before we went into quarantine but never when his parents were home. "Yes, Mrs. Robinson, I understand we're in the middle of a pandemic," she said calmly. It was amazing to me that she could sound so level when she looked like she was half a second away from pulling out her hair. There was a long pause. "I'm aware of how much of a disruption this is to Liam's learning, but I need you to understand that instead of completing his vocabulary sheet, Liam wrote, 'lol I'm not doing this.' Mrs. Morgan cannot give him credit for that assignment. Now, she's given him the option of completing an alternative assignment." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry if you think her reaction was irrational. I fully support her decision to give him a zero until he completes the alternate assignment. We all know that virtual learning is not anyone's ideal learning environment; however, Mrs. Morgan has shown a lot of flexibility with the student's submitting work. School rules apply, even while we're virtual. If Liam cannot do an assignment, it's his responsibility to appropriately and respectfully communicate that with his teachers. If Liam would prefer hard copies, you can pick up copies of all assignments in the vestibule at the front of the school. Our secretaries are in there and have access to all the work our teachers have been assigning." Benji's mom pulled her phone away. "Oh, thank you for recognizing how difficult it is to teach children right now," she said sarcastically as she pocketed her phone. She spotted Benji. "Where did my sweet fifth graders go? They used to be angels and then I'd pass them off to the 6th-grade teachers to become hormonal, middle-school monsters." She sighed and shook her head. "Sorry. You must be Victor. It's so nice to meet you." She didn't try to shake my hand or anything, but I wasn't surprised. I was kind of impressed that she wasn't spraying me with disinfectant right now.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Campbell," I told her.

"We're happy to have you," she said sincerely.

"Thanks for this. It means a lot that I can get away for a bit."

Her face softened. "You're welcome here as long as you'd like," she assured me. "I'm sure Benji let you know the ground rules. He can show you to our guest room." Her phone started to ring, and her face contorted. "Excuse me." She said something about lunch distribution before she was too far away to be heard.

"Ground rules?" I asked quietly.

"Come on. Follow me." His face was eerily blank as I followed him to a bedroom at the very end of the hall. I dropped my backpack on the floor at the base of the bed. I'd never seen the spare bedroom. Both times I'd been here, I'd spent all my time in Benji's room. I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows at him expectantly. "It's nothing bad, I promise. I didn't bring it up while we were at your apartment because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Oh, yeah. I feel very comfortable right now," I said sarcastically. I felt like he was putting this off which only made me more nervous.

He shifted uncomfortably. "It's not that bad. We just haven't talked about this yet. She doesn't want us sleeping together while you're staying here," he explained.

"Okay. I figured that's why we're in the guest room," I pointed out. I motioned around me as if he'd somehow missed that we weren't in his room.

Benji snorted. "She doesn't care where you sleep," he corrected. "She had over a year to get used to Derek sleeping over here. That doesn't make her nervous."

I felt nausea curl in my stomach, the same way it did every time he talked about Derek. It was like a mix of jealousy and guilt. "Then what do you mean?" I asked as I pushed those feelings down.

"You know," he said. He was giving me this really strange look.

"No, I don't."

"Sex, Victor. I'm talking about sex." I didn't understand what he was saying until then; I wasn't trying to avoid the topic. I hadn't needed to think about sex yet because why talk about something when it didn't seem like it was going to be relevant for the foreseeable future?

"Oh. Well, if you go off of in-person time, we've only been together about two weeks, so we technically don't have to even talk about this yet," I suggested.

Benji looked at me like I'd just made the most outrageous claim in existence. "Okay, let's pretend we're not crazy and we realize we'll have been together for five weeks on Friday."

"That's still so soon," I whispered. I didn't even know what it was. I thought part of it was that I was entirely unprepared to be having this conversation - I mean, we'd barely kissed. If I was being honest, the other part was… I wasn't utterly repelled by the idea of having sex with Benji and that was a brand-new feeling for me; it inexplicably made me uncomfortable. It was almost like I felt like I was doing something wrong just by thinking that I might want to sleep with him. The thought made my brain go in confusing circles, so I decided to push all of that aside. "I don't know how to talk about this," I admitted. My experience with sex began and ended with Mia's solitary attempt to sleep with me. Even then, we didn't talk about it that much; just long enough for me to tell her a half-lie.

"We'll have lots of time to practice," he pointed out. "I just want to make sure we are talking about this because it's off the table while you're staying here, but… I don't want it to be off the table forever."

"Me neither," I agreed. He looked relieved which was kind of confusing. "Did you think I wouldn't want to?"

He shrugged. "I didn't want to make assumptions." I didn't know what my face looked like, but I must have looked offended because he hastily explained, "there would be nothing wrong if you didn't want to. I'm serious. I don't want you to feel like you have to want this just because you know I do."

"That's not what's happening," I told him seriously. "I'm not ready right now, and it might be a little while before I am. Why did you think that?"

"When you were still with Mia, you got really uncomfortable the few times we talked about it. When we started dating, I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I wasn't sure if you were uncomfortable because you were figuring out that you're gay or if you were just generally uncomfortable with the idea of having sex at all."

I sat down on my bed and waited for him to do the same. "I know you've called me out on making Texas seem like it's its own planet, but things really were different there. We had church barbecues instead of parties and an abstinence-only curriculum at my school. No one I knew was having sex, much less… this kind of sex. Everything I know, I've learned from the internet and that's kind of terrifying for me. My parents always pushed that sex was a really big deal and… I don't know. Until I kissed you in Willacoochee, I was in denial that I was gay, so I kind of avoided thinking about sex altogether. It might just take me some time to get there, but I want to get there."

"Okay," Benji said with a pleased smile. He stood up and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to follow him. He just shut and locked the door.

"Are there any other ground rules I should know about?"

"Yeah, but they're not as big of a deal," he told me. "We're gonna be on a rotating schedule for dinner. We're in charge of Wednesdays and Saturdays. We need to let her know a few days ahead of time what we need so she can add them to her Instacart order."

"That's not so bad," I observed.

"Told ya so. There's one more."

"What's that?" I asked curiously.

"We need to do all of our schoolwork."

"Easy enough," I confirmed.

It should probably have felt weird to be living with Benji, but it was kind of amazing. It was definitely awkward for a few days as we got used to all the things that we probably wouldn't have had to think about for a long, long time. There was no such thing as boundaries but once we got used to that, everything was really great.

I thought Benji wished I would spend the night in his room, but I didn't think I was ready for something like that. I loved cuddling when we were watching a movie or lounging around, but… I didn't know. There was something that seemed so intimate about sleeping in the same bed. Or maybe it was just because it made me think about everything else we could do in his bed, and I was still in a weird place with that.

Staying with Benji was like living in a bubble. It took his parents a few days to stop distancing from us (do you know how weird it was to have to eat food off a plate on my lap in the corner of the kitchen?) but, once they were sure I hadn't brought COVID into their house, they were much warmer towards me. I knew there was something Benji wasn't telling me about his parents because I thought they were great, but he was always weird around them. He was, like, the king of deflecting our conversations if he felt like we were getting too close to… something. I literally had no idea what, but it was obvious because he got the same look every time and wasn't subtle about changing the conversation.

I didn't push him to talk about it. I desperately wanted to know, but I got that I was invading in his space really early in our relationship. If he needed time to tell me something, it was the least I could do to give him that time.

When Easter rolled around, I had no expectations, so I was completely floored when Benji woke me up at 7 am. "Come on," he said quietly.

"What?" I asked. I rubbed my eyes. "Why are you awake?" He hadn't woken up before 10 a single day since I came here.

"Will you get up? Get dressed." I finally took him in and was startled that he was fully dressed; he kind of looked like he was going to church. I was apparently moving too slow for him because he rifled through the dresser I finally started leaving my clothes in and started throwing stuff toward me. "Come downstairs when you're ready."

"Ready for what?" He was out the door before my question was fully out.

I groaned before I pushed myself out of bed. I wasn't as bad as Benji, but I'd been enjoying the luxury of sleeping in as well. I usually just messed around on my phone until he came in to tell me he was awake so we could have breakfast together.

I put on the clothes he threw at me before I headed downstairs. He was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. "Come on. We're going to be late."

"Late for what?"

He ushered me to his living room where his parents were sitting, sipping from mugs. On their gigantic TV, I could see the inside of my church. I froze. "What's going on?"

"We're attending Easter mass." He said it like it was a no-brainer.

"Why?"

"You told me that if your parents ever wrap their heads around this, we're going to have to attend Christmas and Easter mass every year," he reminded me. "Well, I think I need the practice because I know your parents would be crazy not to love you for exactly who you are."

"You really don't have to do this."

"I want to. I know this is important to you and not just for your parents. I don't know that I can 100% wrap my head around this religion stuff, but I'm gonna try." I ducked my head. "Now, I hope it's okay to drink coffee during church." He passed me a mug.

"I think God will find it in his heart to forgive you," I teased. I took a sip. "Mmm. I think something this heavenly belongs at mass."

Benji sat down on the couch and, after a quick glance at his parents, I sat a discreet distance away from him. Benji had no such qualms. The moment I sat down, he kicked his feet up and rested his head on my shoulder.

It was honestly the best mass I'd ever attended. Benji asked a bunch of questions and his mom only called him out twice for sounding judgy. In defense of him, he had a lot of trouble wrapping his head around Catholics believing in the presence of Jesus in the eucharist and, if I hadn't been raised with that, I'd probably think it sounded a touch cannibalistic too.

When Father Lawrence finished the closing prayer, I turned to Benji. "What did you think?"

"It was… educational," he said slowly.

His mom laughed. "That means he hated it."

"I didn't hate it," he said defensively. "But we only have to go twice a year, right?"

"Right," I assured him. I bit my lip. "Can I ask though… was it that bad for you?"

He studied me for a second. "I didn't mind what we just watched," he finally answered. "I actually think he has a point about how our job isn't to live the perfect life but to live a life that makes us feel satisfied with the mark we're leaving here. Other than the whole doing it for Jesus to honor his sacrifice thing, that makes a lot of sense to me. But it's not always like that, is it? Sometimes, they're gonna talk about things that I don't believe. Like, they'll talk about people like us and how we're sinners?"

"It depends on the church," I admitted. "Back in Texas? Yeah, all the time. I don't know where Father Lawrence stands with that." He raised his eyebrows at me. "You're probably right," I conceded.

"Thank you for letting us watch this with you," Benji's mom said. "We were going to make breakfast if you wanted to join us."

"Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. I'd like that."

"You've been living with us for over a week. When are you going to start calling me Margaret?"

"Sorry. Margaret," I corrected. It still felt weird.

Breakfast was nice. It was nothing like it would have been at home where we would have already started to prepare dinner, but it was still nice.

After breakfast, Benji and I ended up sitting side-by-side on his bed. He was practicing his guitar which left me a lot of time with my thoughts… and I had a lot of thoughts.

"Your brooding is distracting," he said, pulling me from my reverie.

"Sorry."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. "Easter was always such a big deal for us. We had this tradition with our Easter baskets. They're the same ones we've been using since we were babies. Mine's this blue one that's being held together by hot glue because my mom refuses to get rid of it. She always put two plastic Easter eggs in our baskets. One with a prayer and one with some money. Not much, but a little something for each of us. We used to open them right before dinner and then that was a whole thing."

"Come with me. I want to show you something that might cheer you up."

I looked at him curiously as he climbed out of bed. I followed him down to the kitchen where he pulled a container out of the fridge.

"You talked about how you miss some of your mom's dishes because we apparently don't know how to add spices to food here." I bit my lip to stop my laugh. His family ate the blandest food I'd ever had, and I stood by that. "This is mofongo and we're gonna have…" Benji frowned. "Can I just apologize in advance? I barely passed Spanish." He lifted a card on top of the Tupperware container. "Bacalayo? Bacaloo? Bacalayo, I think. Bacalayo a la… vis… vizcana? vizcayna? Can you just put me out of my misery?"

"But I'm enjoying this so much," I teased. "It's bacalao a la vizcaina. My mom makes it every year. It's cod, but if Adrian asks, it's chicken." Benji laughed as I got swept up in the nostalgia. "It's one of her best dishes but takes like ten hours, so she only makes it for Easter."

"I know," he admitted. He put the container he was holding in the fridge. "I texted Pilar. I know you're upset that you're not spending Easter with your family, so I wanted to have something here, even if it's just food."

"It's perfect," I assured him. "Who made it?"

"Well, my mom and I took a shot at the mofongo dish two nights ago after you went to sleep. That was the fifth attempt. It probably won't taste authentic, but it's edible, and… the other dish… well, I'll explain that soon. It's being delivered any minute now."

"What do you mean?"

In a feat of perfect timing, his doorbell rang. "Victor, I think that's for you," his mom called.

Benji's smile only got bigger. "What's going on?" I asked.

"You'll see. Come on." He was practically bouncing up and down as he led me to his front door.

He pulled me outside and it took me a full minute to understand what I was seeing. "Dad," I whispered.

"Hey, flacco. Happy Easter."

"Happy Easter," Adrian said. He had the biggest smile on his face and even Pilar looked like she was happy to see me. They were standing several feet away from me, and I knew without asking that they were not going to come much closer. It was enough to see them. I couldn't believe they were here.

That thought couldn't live in my head, so I said out loud, "I can't believe you're here."

"Thank Benji for that," Pilar said. She took a few steps closer and put a bag on the ground about halfway between us. "I took as much as I could without mom noticing." I didn't need to ask what it was.

"Where is she?"

Pilar and my dad suddenly looked deeply uncomfortable. My dad glanced at Adrian. "She's singing at mass right now," he said after a minute. "We watched it together this morning, but she got a job with the church. She'll probably pick up more hours once people can go back to church and she'll have a choir to direct. Right now, she's playing piano for the live streams at daily mass and the 11 on Sundays."

"Cool. Tell her I'm sorry I missed her."

"Hey, Adrian. I left Victor's basket in the car. Do you think you can go grab it?" Pilar asked. My dad tossed Adrian the keys.

"She's not ready," my dad said once Adrian is out of earshot. "She's trying, but she's not there yet." Pilar made a face. I made a mental note to ask her about that later. "It's why we came now. She didn't want Adrian to be around…" he glanced at Benji.

"But you're okay being here? And with Adrian being around Benji?" I tried, and failed, not to sound surprised.

He hesitated. "Do you know there are meetings for parents of gay kids?" he finally said. "I went to my first one on Tuesday… virtually, of course. Your sister helped set me up with the Zoom." I almost wondered if I misheard him. I'd spent the last week and a half… the last six weeks, really, assuming that both of my parents were on the same page with hating that I'm gay. Hearing that my dad went to a PFLAG meeting? I was a little mind blown.

Pilar pinched the bridge of her nose. "Just Zoom. You are not old enough to get away with calling it 'the Zoom'."

My dad held up his hands defensively. "Okay, okay. Just Zoom."

I chuckled. "Uh… how was it?"

"Educational. I learned a lot," he told me. We heard the beep as Adrian locked the car. "You can tell him. I know we asked you not to, but it's not up to us. It's your life and your choice. We never should have told you to keep it from him." Adrian got back then, holding my faded, falling-apart, blue Easter basket. He put it next to the bag Pilar put on Benji's driveway before he walked back to my dad.

"Okay." I turned to look at Benji, and we made eye contact. Without talking about it, I reached out for his hand and pulled him a little closer to me. "I know you've all already met him, but this is Benji." I looked right at Adrian because he was the only one that didn't know. "My boyfriend." We hadn't talked about labels because it was another thing that we hadn't needed to figure out, but it felt right.

A smile spread across Benji's face, so I was guessing he agreed. "It's so nice to meet you all. Victor talks about you all the time."

"He never shuts up about you either," Pilar unhelpfully provided. "Your name comes up in every single text he sends."

I glared at her. "It comes up a normal amount, thank you."

Pilar scoffed. "Right." She pulled out her phone. "We've sent about 20 texts back and forth today. You mentioned his name…" she dropped her voice as she counted. "Fourteen times. Just his name, Vic. Just today."

"Please shut up."

Benji had been trying to hold himself together, but a snicker broke through his attempted composure.

My dad cleared his throat. "It's…" he took a deep breath. "It's nice to see you again, Benji."

"You too, Mr. Salazar. Thanks for agreeing to do this. I know Victor's missed you all."

My dad nodded and looked uncomfortable. "Thanks for reaching out about this. And, please, call me Armando."

I didn't know who was more surprised by that. It seemed like Benji, Pilar, and I were all wearing identical expressions of shock. Benji's mouth was even slightly agape. "Um. Armando," Benji agreed.

Benji elbowed me and that was when I realized I was still staring at my dad. Part of me was trying to reconcile the assumptions I'd made about my dad over the last six weeks with everything that was happening right now. "Cool," I said. I looked down toward Adrian. "Are you still impressing the world with your art?"

He frowned. "I'm not very good."

Something occurred to me, and I didn't know why I didn't think of it earlier. "Well, if you want to get better… I know someone who's really, really good at art."

"Really?" Adrian asked hopefully.

I looked at Benji. It felt weird to volunteer him for this. "Yeah, totally," he said enthusiastically. "We can set up some video chats. I'm sure Victor would love that too."

"Art? I thought your thing was music." Pilar sounded slightly confused as if the two conflicted.

Benji shrugged. "I like both. I'm not too bad at drawing."

"He's crazy good at it. I mean, his sketches are next level, but you should see some of the stuff he's painted," I bragged. "Don't even get me started on what he can do with charcoal." It was one of the things that I'd learned since I started dating him. I knew he could draw because of his birthday gift to me, but it was an entirely different thing to watch him in action. The stuff in his portfolio made his birthday gift to me look like a rough sketch (his words). He got totally consumed when he was working on something. I didn't realize until I spent nearly three hours watching him paint a picture of a fruit bowl for one of his classes that I might have a type. I used to listen to Mia go on about art for hours too.

I pushed that thought away because thinking about Mia made guilt wrap around my heart. I'd tried to talk to her a few times, but I couldn't blame her for ignoring me.

Benji and Adrian started talking about art with increasing animation. I didn't try to interrupt them. With every second that passed, I felt a little more weightless. I thought my dad felt the same way too. As he interjected with questions, it stopped feeling like a forced conversation and started feeling like a genuine attempt to get to know each other. At Adrian's request, Benji ran inside to grab some of his work. He had a lot of stuff to choose from, so I was pretty sure it would be a few minutes before he came back.

While he was inside, my dad said, "he seems nice. You look happy with him."

"I am. He's been amazing about all of this." I said the words hesitantly because I didn't want to offend him.

"Good. I can't say I totally get this, but you're my son and this is who you are, so I'm working on it. I love you, Vic."

Oh my God. Since when did Easter involve people relentlessly trying to make me cry? I hastily wiped away the tear that slipped from my eye. "Thanks, papi. I love you too."

He coughed to clear his throat. "We'll be back. I think we're gonna plan for every two weeks. Maybe sooner if this one…" he nudged Adrian. "Gets his way."

"I hope he gets his way. I've missed you all. It's weird not seeing you every day. How's… how's mom?"

"She's okay. She misses you." I nodded because I was sure he thought he was telling the truth, but I was equally sure she missed a Victor that never existed. He glanced at Adrian. "We're hoping she'll come with us one of these days if work lets her."

I shrugged. "It's fine."

Fortunately for all of us, Benji returned, and our conversation turned into how-did-you-do-that-101. Before they left, Adrian and Benji had their first "art class" scheduled. It was hard to say who was more excited about that.

It was hard to just let them leave without hugging them, but it was a precaution we had to take. I didn't look away until my dad's car rounded the corner and disappeared from sight. I turned to Benji and tried to find the words to thank him, but they didn't exist. Instead, I kissed him. I tried to speak all of the words I didn't have through that kiss. I tried to tell him how grateful I was to be able to spend this time with him and that he still found all these ways to surprise me. I didn't have the words, but I thought he heard me anyway.

When I broke this kiss, I didn't step out of his embrace. "Thank you," I said after a moment. It was not enough, but it was something.

"It was nothing."

"It was everything," I corrected. I kissed him again quickly. "I can't believe you convinced them to come here."

"It was easier than I thought," he admitted. "I got your dad's number from your phone, and we put this together quickly."

"I don't know what you said to my dad to make him so… okay with me."

"I didn't say anything. That's all him," he told me. He looked as surprised as I felt, so I knew he was telling the truth. He pulled his hand away from my waist and grabbed my hand. "I told you that your parents would be crazy not to accept this."

"We're only fifty percent there," I pointed out.

"That's higher than where we were yesterday," he said optimistically.

I snorted. "Alright, Mr. Sunshine." I let go of his hand to grab my Easter basket and the food Pilar dropped off. "You're in for a treat. I know you don't like her much, but her cooking is to die for."

"I don't not like her," he corrected. "I just don't know her, and I think she's being…" He frowned. "I think you deserve better than to have her ignore you."

I looked away from him. We hadn't talked about how I texted my mom every day, but I knew he knew. "What's for lunch?" I asked to change the subject.

"Let's get this in the fridge and we can ask if they have anything planned." His parents were right inside the door when we walk in. "What's the verdict?"

"You were very responsible," his mom grudgingly agreed.

"So…" he said hopefully.

His mom nodded before Benji pulled me towards the kitchen. "What was that?" I asked.

"They were nervous about having anyone stop by, so we treated this like a test run," he admitted. "They wanted to see if we could handle keeping our distance. We can do this more often now. I'll bet they'll even let us take walks. Maybe we could walk to Lucy's or Jamie's house. Give you a chance to actually get to know them."

Benji had talked about his friends a ton since I started staying with him, so I thought that would be a good idea. It would also be nice to get out of the house. Benji was essentially my lifeline to sanity right now, and I was pretty sure I was his. "I could live with walks."

"Yeah. Then maybe you can stop working out in my basement so much," he suggested.

They had a full gym in their basement that I took daily advantage of. "You know what? If we can leave and go for walks, I will," I told him. "I don't know why you're complaining. You go with me."

He shrugged. He looked at the little note Pilar left with the dish. "We need to put this in about thirty minutes before we can eat it."

"Speaking of eating."

"I forgot to ask. One sec."

He ran out and I took that chance to read the note Pilar wrote him. DO NOT screw this up. Seriously, my mom will never forgive you if you forced me to be a thief AND burnt her food. Don't forget to take pictures!

My heart clenched. She barely said anything, but it still made me miss her.

"My mom says we can order something since we're not doing take-out tonight," Benji told me. "What's wrong?"

"What does Pilar want pictures of?" I asked curiously.

"Your Easter basket."

"Why?"

"It's not exactly your traditional Easter basket," he explained. "Do you want to open it now or wait and do it before dinner?"

"Wait," I told him even though I was dying to know what he meant. We always waited until dinner, and I wanted to do the same today.

We ended up ordering pizza and eating it with his parents while we watched a really bad movie that was playing on one of the movie channels they paid for. It got us into a competition of the worst movies we'd ever watched.

When Benji said we needed to go put dinner in the oven, we excused ourselves. "Is it time?" I asked hopefully.

He nodded and grabbed my Easter basket for me. I didn't know how I missed how packed it was. I pulled out the two eggs first and I was surprised when Benji's name was written on one.

I passed it to him. "These are from your dad," he told me. "I don't know what's in them, but Pilar wanted to make sure you knew. Hold on!" He put the egg on the island and pulled out his phone. "Okay. Go."

"Are you recording or taking a picture?"

"I'm taking a million pictures and, right now, they're all of you looking at me." He waved his phone at me. "Will you do something photo-worthy?" I stuck my tongue out at him. "I guess that's better," he teased.

I rolled my eyes at him. "I think we should forget about the pictures for now and open these together. We can take a picture with everything at the end to send to Pilar and my dad."

Benji hesitated. "You know what? It's your Easter. Sure." He put his phone down and picked up the egg with his name on it.

"On three?"

"Three," he confirmed.

In unison, we counted. "One. Two. Three."

I opened my egg to see a little keychain with a rainbow flag. It was somehow more surprising than my dad's acceptance. Or equally surprising. It hit me in that moment that my dad really planned this. He didn't question until the last minute whether he wanted to do this; he'd made up his mind long enough to be able to order these.

Also in the basket were cookies from Pilar. They were shaped like ghosts and had a note that read, ghosts are the closest I could get to symbolize Jesus rising from the dead. I won't say I miss you, but I don't not miss you. I chuckled.

The last thing in the basket was something Adrian must've drawn. It was by no means the best drawing, but I thought it was impressive that each person he'd drawn had been identifiable. I could tell that it was supposed to be our family. To my surprise, he'd included Benji in that.

I looked at the drawing for a long time. In it, we were all holding hands and smiling. For Adrian and for myself, I wanted that so badly.

"Thank you for this." I motioned to the basket.

"I didn't put it together," he pointed out.

"No, but I know you had something to do with it getting here. And… everything you did today was incredible. I'm so lucky." I let my lips brush against his, and I couldn't explain how we went from that to him pressing me up against the fridge. His hands trailed up and down my back, hiking my shirt up a little while mine tangled in his hair. We'd kissed a lot since I came to live with him ten days ago, but this was the first time we'd kissed like this.

It felt more desperate and needy. His breaths seemed to be equal part gasps and moans, and he… oh. I pulled back, my breathing just as ragged as his was. I made no attempt to move my hands and while his stilled, I could still feel their warmth on my lower back.

His mom coming into the kitchen had us jumping apart. I strategically held my Easter basket. I had no idea what she asked Benji, but he must've had an answer for her because she left just a minute later.

We didn't talk about what happened. At no point in the next six weeks, did we talk about that moment or any of the subsequent moments where we nearly got carried away.

I knew we needed to talk about it; with every day that passed, I got closer and closer to being the one to broach the subject.

I knew I was ready; knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was ready. My brain couldn't even use the "too soon" argument anymore because we'd been together over three months, and I guess that was how long it took for me to feel like we'd been together long enough. There was still the very real issue of his mom's ground rules. It didn't really matter if we were ready; we still needed to wait, and we needed to respect the boundaries his mom put in place.

That was why I was so surprised when Benji's voice roused me from my sleep a few days after school got out for the year. "Victor? Are you awake?" In the complete silence I woke up to, I thought I only dreamed it. Then, "Victor?"

"Benji?" He flicked on the light, and I squinted while my eyes adjusted. Once I adapted, I was able to see him, and my heart skipped a beat. His eyes were red and puffy. "What's wrong?" My thoughts were on another one of his family members being hit by COVID.

"I…" his voice was shaky, and he looked like he was having trouble getting the words out. "Do you think we could talk?"

"Of course." I sat up and moved over to the edge of the bed. He didn't join me. He just stared at the empty space like it was a booby trap. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I tried calling Hank, but he must be asleep, and I didn't know what else to do." He was too frantic for me to even attempt to ask him who the hell Hank was. "It makes sense because it's 3 am. He should be asleep." His eyes widened. "You should be asleep too. Sorry. I'll go. I shouldn't have woken you up."

He started to turn away. I was out of bed a split second later and was behind him before he crossed the threshold. "Don't," I said softly. I put my hand on his shoulder, and he turned back to face me. I'd never seen him look as broken as he did at that moment. I didn't try to push him to talk; I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around him. I had no idea what was going on, but he was starting to scare me.

"I'm sorry," he whispered over and over again like it was his mantra. I decided almost right away that I wasn't going to be the one to pull back and, as he clung to me, I hoped that maybe that in itself was helping. I had no concept of how much time passed while I held him, but when he pulled back, he looked exhausted.

"Come sit down," I said in what I hoped sounded like a gentle tone.

"Can I turn the lights off?"

"Why?"

"I can't tell you this if I can see you," he told me seriously.

"Okay," I said slowly. He waited until I sat down to turn off the lights, and I half expected him to make a run for it. Only the dip in the bed told me that he hadn't done that. It was eerily dark now. Even if I squinted, I couldn't make him out. His hands found mine, and he was literally shaking. "Whatever it is, it's okay."

"No. It's not." His grip on my hand tightened. "I…" he let out a breath. "Do you remember when I told you about my accident?"

"Yeah." I ran through everything I knew about that which wasn't much. He drove through a Wendy's, and his license was suspended.

"It was ten months ago today," he finally said.

I shifted a little. "Wow. Ten months."

He didn't say anything for a while. "And it's been a little over seven weeks since I had my last drink."

It took a minute for his words to sink in and, even then, I didn't think I fully understood them. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… I had a problem, Victor. I still do. I don't drink or, at least, I shouldn't. I've been in AA since my accident."

I kept my mouth firmly shut because I had the luxury of him not being able to see me and, if it took him this long to tell me… wait. I counted on my fingers. "Seven weeks." I counted on my fingers one more time. I felt like it was the last piece of the puzzle. The piece I didn't know I was missing until right now.

"Right before you came to stay with us. It's why my mom was okay with it," he admitted. "When I was cut off from everything… it got really hard really fast. I constantly wanted to drink. It was easier when I could talk to you but, eventually, I had to deal with it on my own and… I didn't. When my parents found out, it got ugly. I told them how hard it was to have lost touch with my bandmates and not be able to see you or my other friends… this was their agreement. You could stay here as long as I stayed sober. Then, I wouldn't be alone. She made some other ground rules but that's the only one she really cares about."

I swallowed. "You're not alone," I assured him. It was the only thing I could think to say.

"I was sober for almost four months before that," he said quietly. "But it was like that stopped mattering. I felt like I couldn't possibly get through the night on my own. Just a few minutes was hard, and it didn't feel like there was an end in sight. Hank is great, but he can't be on call 24/7. He has his own life."

"Hank?" I asked. He'd mentioned the name earlier too.

"He's my sponsor."

"Oh. Okay. So, you've been sober for seven weeks?" I confirmed.

"Seven weeks and three days. But…" he trailed off.

"But what?"

"Tonight hasn't been a good night."

"You want to drink."

"Kind of."

"Do you have anything?" He was quiet for a long time. "Benji, do you have anything?"

"Yes," he finally answered.

"Where?"

"It's under my bed."

I nearly fell as I stand up. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"We're getting rid of it," I told him. I grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight. He winced at the sudden light. "You don't need that shit, Benji. We're going to go to your room and dump out whatever the hell you have in there."

He immediately looked defensive. "You don't trust me."

"You don't trust you," I corrected. "I trust you and I know you don't want to do this. If you did, you wouldn't have come in here." I knelt back down on the bed and put my hand over his. "I know this wasn't easy for you to tell me, and I promise that we're not done talking about it, but we need to take care of this first." He still looked uncertain. "Please. It's not that I don't trust you; if you don't want to drink, I don't want it to be an option for you and we can't talk about this if you're thinking about how it is."

He swallowed hard before he stood up. I literally had no idea what I was doing or if I was completely screwing this up; I just knew that I didn't feel like we can have this conversation if he knew that he had that under his bed. The relief I felt when he nodded was unlike anything I'd ever felt.

He led me to his bedroom and looked at me anxiously. "I can't… I…"

"You don't have to. It's under here?" I knelt down.

He closed his eyes. "Other side. It's in the orange shoebox."

I moved to the other side of his bed and located the shoe box. I tried not to let my surprise show on my face; it was heavier than I'd expected. I wordlessly picked it up. "Is this everything?"

"Yes. I feel like I should warn you that there's more than just alcohol in there. I knew my mom wouldn't check again once she saw it."

I didn't ask him what he meant. I'd figure it out soon enough. "I'll be right back." I didn't open the box until his bathroom door was firmly locked behind me. I was glad I waited because there was so much in here. I tried to fend off the growing feelings of nausea. He'd said he had a problem, but nothing made it as real as what he had hoarded in this box. It was essentially his personal liquor store. He had about fifty of the small, travel sized bottles. It seemed like he had some of everything.

I moved on autopilot as I dumped everything out. I tried not to think about how much this cost him. I also tried very hard not to think about the "more than just alcohol" that was in here. I put all the empty containers in the trash and tied up the bag so I could take it with me. I didn't have the whole story, but I didn't want his parents to know about this. I didn't think that will help him.

Despite my best attempts to avoid thinking about it, I wondered when we'd be able to use the other stuff in here. Some of it, I wasn't sure I was ready for. My mind was kind of spinning as I put everything back in. I rolled his bottle of lube in my hand before I placed it in the box as well. I was surprised by the deep longing that filled me. I hated ground rules sometimes, but this wasn't the time to think about that.

I took a deep breath before I left the bathroom. Benji was exactly where I left him. "Do you want to stay in here or go to my room?"

"In here," he said softly. He sat down on his bed, and I shut off the lights before I took my place next to him. Now that I knew what we were talking about, I was kind of with Benji. It felt like a lights-out conversation. There was safety in the darkness.

I lay down next to him and wrapped my arms around him. He took my hand and pressed it to his lips.

"Can you tell me about this now?" I asked.

It started off with quiet, forced whispers as he recounted, in more detail, the years before his accident. He painted a picture of a very different Benji than the one I'd gotten to know. The Benji he talked about had been spiraling. Long before his accident, he'd been struggling, and no one had known because the Benji he talked about had also been a pro at hiding his struggle. He could hide his drinking behind an obnoxious, class-clown personality; he could hide his sexuality behind a string of girlfriends that he couldn't make himself feel anything with; he could hide his depression at the bottom of a bottle.

Then there was the accident itself. The accident he didn't remember but that had gotten him to come out to… everyone. The accident that changed his life and forced him to confront his problems. The accident that, he reluctantly admitted, had driven a wedge between him and Derek that the two of them spent months pretending didn't exist.

His road to sobriety had been a tricky one. He talked about how he struggled to make it a couple of hours, much less days without drinking. He talked about AA and how, sometimes, he left there feeling worse about himself. He talked about the comfort and stability he found with his sponsor, a man that started AA when he was seventeen and really got what Benji was going through.

I didn't know how long he talked for, but I hung onto every word. I tried not to ask too many questions because I could tell how hard it was for him to talk about it. I didn't want him to be able to hide behind the excuse that I couldn't understand this. We both knew I couldn't understand; it wasn't something that needed to be pointed out.

"Thank you," I whispered. "For telling me all of that."

He nodded. "It's not your fault, you know. That I drank after we started dating or that I want to drink."

"I never said it was," I told him. I was wondering if that should've occurred to me. Had I done something to make it harder on him?

"Oh." I could feel his frown against my hand.

"Do you want me to blame myself?"

"No, of course not. I guess I just figured… almost everyone that knows, they blamed themselves for missing it or for enabling me or something like that."

"I'm not everyone else. I'm your boyfriend." I shifted so I was sitting. He mirrored my posture and in the faint light from his window, I could almost properly see him. "I don't know much about this stuff, but I want to. Whenever you need to talk about this, I don't want you to feel like you can't."

For the first time since he woke me up, the faintest smile settled on his face. "Thanks. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I asked.

"It's really hard to talk about, and everything with you has been so new and amazing," he told me. "I've never felt like this about anyone, and I didn't want this to change anything."

"It doesn't change anything. I still love you just as much now as I did before," I promised him.

He stared at me. "You… love me?" he repeated uncertainly.

I didn't realize that I said it until he pointed it out because the words had felt surprisingly natural; I hadn't had to think about saying them. "I… yeah. I do. I love you. You don't have to say it back, but-"

"No." He looked at me so intensely that I felt like the rest of the world faded away. There was only him with that look in his eyes, searching mine. I didn't know what question he was asking with his eyes, but I hoped I had the answer he was looking for. "I love you too."

As we kissed, it felt like everything else melted away. The bad stuff couldn't exist in this world because nothing could touch us here.

It was the first night I spent in Benji's bed, and I felt like we should have started doing this months ago. Like, probably back in April. It was the best night's sleep I could remember getting in a long, long time.

When I woke up, the very first thing I saw was Benji. He was still fast asleep. I didn't know if it was just because I knew there were fewer secrets between us, but he looked freer to me. I watched him for a moment before I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I looked toward his door and saw his mom standing in the doorway.

At first, I was just confused. I was still in the process of waking up and awash in the fact that Benji's hand was currently resting under my arm. It was hard to think about anything other than how ridiculously in love I was and how he loved me back.

It took me several seconds to realize what she was seeing. We were both shirtless and sleeping in the same bed. This probably looked like a blatant violation of her ground rules. I sat up abruptly and pulled Benji's blanket all the way to my chin. I was wearing boxers, and I had a feeling if she knew that, she'd assume that we did more last night than we did. Though, I'd say that, despite Benji's claim that "it's not technically sex", we did kind of break her ground rules. Wow. Last night was something. I pushed those thoughts aside. Now was not the time. "Benji," I said without taking my eyes off his mom.

Benji didn't appear to hear me. I nudged him. All he did was grumble, and he snuggled into his blanket a little more. I would think it was cute if I wasn't so panicked that his mom was about to send me home. "That kid could sleep through an earthquake. Why don't you get him up, get dressed, and come downstairs? We can chat."

I nodded before she left. I let out a sigh of relief when the door closed behind her. "Benji," I whispered.

He muttered something that was a completely incoherent jumble of syllables. "Benji!" I shook him a little harder. Oh my God. How could one person be this resistant to waking up?

I got out of bed and hunted down my t-shirt. It took a minute because I hadn't kept track of it after Benji took it off last night. Once I found it, I grabbed a pair of Benji's pajama pants and quickly got dressed. I went back to his bed. "Hey, think you want to join the land of the living?" I asked. No response. I traced the edge of his face and his lips twitched. When my fingers got to his hair, he finally opened his eyes. "You are the deepest sleeper I've ever met."

He grinned. "Morning."

"Morning." There was something very alluring about a dewy-eyed Benji. Part of me just wanted to stay in bed with him and say the hell with their ground rules. "I really wish we could stay in bed, but…"

"But?" he asked curiously.

"Your mom was in here this morning. Thanks for not waking up," I told him.

Benji sat up. "My mom was in here?"

"Yeah. She wants us to go downstairs and talk to her." I looked away from him until he brought his hand to my cheek.

"It'll be fine. I'll tell her I was having a bad night and that I finally told you about my… stuff. She's been telling me that I should tell you since April."

"She didn't look happy," I told him. I couldn't fathom how he was being so nonchalant about this.

He rolled his eyes. "When is she ever happy?" he muttered. I raised my eyebrows at him. "Never mind. It'll be fine. Trust me. Even if we went downstairs and told her we slept together, she'd be fine. I told you. There's only one ground rule she cares about."

I knew that was what he said, but my heart still pounded hard enough that I was impressed it wasn't audible. I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.

He was right. Once he told her that he pulled me out of bed at 3 am because he was really struggling, she seemed totally okay with our sleeping arrangement. He very casually asked if she'd be upset if we continued with it, and I practically held my breath until she said that she'd be fine with that. Her acceptance was succeeded by a long and painful talk about boundaries and the trust she was placing in us and the risks of being sexually active.

After that, we kind of fell into a comfortable routine. With summer came a newfound freedom. We took full advantage of our walks and our chances to see our friends, even if it was from a distance.

We also took full advantage of the fact that his parents had started taking daily walks. We intentionally planned our daily walks at a different time because it was worth a two-hour walk in the blazing heat to get some alone time now.

Speaking of which. "We'll be back in an hour or two. Don't forget to figure out what you're making this week."

"We already made the list," Benji told her. He was lying down on his bed pretending to look at something on his computer.

"It's in the kitchen," I added. I was sitting in front of his bed, pretending that I wasn't waiting for this exact moment.

"Okay. I'll look when we get back."

"Have a nice walk," I told her.

I barely breathed while I waited for her footsteps to fade and for the sound of the front door opening and closing. I waited the obligatory minute to make sure they hadn't forgotten something before I moved to Benji's bed. It had rained the past three days, so alone time had been scarce.

There was little that could keep me from him. His lips were eager and enthusiastic, his hands willing to explore. I wasn't the only one that had been craving time alone lately. It was never enough.

Benji's hands went to the buttons on my jeans. Honestly, I was so close to saying screw their ground rules. It wasn't until Benji slipped his hand below my boxers that I pulled back. He was shirtless and flushed everywhere. His chest rose and fell while he caught his breath. "We can't," I said quietly.

"It's not technically sex," he pointed out. It was an argument that had worked twice and left me spiraling with guilt both times. It was worth it, but it also wasn't.

"I don't think your parents will see it that way."

"How about we don't tell them?" he suggested. Tempting. So tempting.

I rolled away from him because it was REALLY hard to think rationally when he looked like this. "Maybe we can go camping one weekend. You and me. A comfy tent."

"You're kidding."

"Not really. I mean…" I let out a shaky breath. Talking about sex in the broad daylight felt weird to me. We'd talked a lot about it but always at night, always without the lights off, and always in hushed whispers. This felt so… vulnerable somehow. I pushed myself so I was sitting up. "You gave me my space for a really long time, but I don't want it anymore. This scares the shit out of me. To want to sleep with you this badly. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I trust you, and I'm ready."

Benji stared at me as if he was expecting me to change my mind. After a moment, he said, "how about this? Instead of your super romantic loss of virginity in a tent plan… what if we ask my parents if the two of us can road trip to Lake Lanier? Fourth of July's in a few days."

"Does that help with the whole tent situation?" I asked uncertainly.

"We own a cabin at Lake Lanier," he explained. "With, you know, plumbing and actual beds."

I chuckled. "That sounds really great." Something else dawned on me. "Isn't Lake Lanier haunted? I could've sworn Ms. Dillinger talked about it." I was actually almost positive that she said something about some woman in a blue dress with no hands.

Benji sighed. "Do you really believe in ghosts?" I looked away because his tone had the slightest hint of condescension. "Really? Is this because of the holy ghost?"

"The what?" I asked.

"You know. Father. Son. Holy Ghost."

"It's the Holy Spirit," I corrected him. "And no, not really. I don't think that pushes me either way."

"Then… why? I grew up hearing the ghost stories, but they always seemed so far-fetched. Like unicorns."

I frowned. "At my old school, we had this teacher. Mr. G. He used to tell all these ghost stories because he said he could see ghosts and auras and things like that. He really believed it and the way he talked… it was hard not to believe him too. He got fired when I was a freshman because he made this girl cry when he was talking about ghosts, and he refused to tell her he was lying. I figure if his truth was more important than his job…" I shrugged. "I don't know. It seems like the least I could do is be open-minded about it."

Benji looked perplexed but, fortunately, didn't push it. "I think it'll be worth a ghost. I've been there hundreds of times and nothing weird has ever happened."

"I think that's the beginning plot of every horror movie that has ever been made," I pointed out.

He rolled his eyes. "I know weird stuff goes down there, but the cabin is really nice, and it's far away from anything like that."

I snickered. "You hear it right?"

He grinned. "I promise. It'll be fine. Trust me."

"I do," I assured him.

That was how we found ourselves at Lake Lanier three days later. We were staying for four days and as we pulled up to the mansion he called a cabin (seriously – who called something as grand as that a cabin?), it didn't look haunted.

My nerves were frayed in a way that had nothing to do with potential ghost sightings. We spent our first day hiking. Benji's right. Despite the rumors that it was haunted, we didn't run into anything remotely supernatural.

I could see how someone could get lost around here; Benji navigated the twists and turns with an ease that came from how often he'd been here with his parents. Without him, I felt like I would've been wandering in circles.

He suggested swimming, but the little research I'd done on Lake Lanier had me passing on that. I felt like there was no need to tempt fate right now.

It was the perfect day, and when we made our way back to the cabin, my excitement only rose. After dinner, we put on a movie, but only made it a few minutes before it was forgotten. How was I supposed to pay attention to whatever was happening on the screen when I felt like I was unraveling under Benji's fingers.

Without breaking the kiss, he climbed to his feet and slowly pulled me to mine. I thought it would be easier to kiss while we climbed the stairs, but… it wasn't. Benji nearly lost his balance and then we ran up the remaining steps. Once we were in our room, I kicked the door shut before I pulled him close to me. We moved slowly, shedding clothes on the way to the bed. I hesitated with my fingers inside the band of his boxers. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah." The word sounded almost reverent.

After that, there weren't words. I didn't think I could speak if I wanted to; my brain felt like it disconnected from my body leaving nothing but Benji, me, and pure instinct.

This was everything. We lay together afterward, a tangle of limbs and in a post-sex haze that made me feel a mix of euphoric, sleepy, and pleased. This part was almost as good as the sex had been. It was like the knowledge of what we'd just done inexplicably made me feel closer to Benji than actually having sex. Don't get me wrong, that made me feel close to him too, but there was something particularly tender and vulnerable about the moments afterward.

After that, we made a point of going back to Lake Lanier for a few overnight trips. His parents had to have known why we were going there, but they never asked us about it.

We also never talked about when I'd have to go home. I figured it would have to happen eventually; my dad was not so subtly dropping hints that he thought I should go home. The idea scared the hell out of me.

When school was virtual, it was easy to put it off, but when we had the option of returning in person in November, I knew it was time.

"Should we, uh, talk about tomorrow?" Benji asked. I'd been quietly moving my fingers across his chest and longing to be back at Lake Lanier where we had nothing but the stars around us. We'd done a very good job not talking or thinking about returning to school tomorrow and me going home, but here it was. We got to live in our bubble for over seven months which was longer than we had any right to ask for.

It felt so weird to think about having to come out at school when I already felt so… out. I'd been surrounded by people that knew and accepted us since I started staying with Benji. I kept reminding myself that I couldn't really live with Benji while we were still in high school but, God, I wanted to put off the moment where I had to go back to sleeping in my apartment without him as long as humanly possible.

My mom had been my only hang-up, but I couldn't keep using her as an excuse, especially when it seemed like that might end up being a lifelong excuse. I hadn't even attempted to talk to her in nearly five months, not since she hadn't acknowledged my birthday text to her.

"I don't know if there's anything to talk about," I told him.

"What are you going to do?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I don't want to go back to this being a secret. I love you, and I don't care if the whole school knows." It was a lie and from the arch of Benji's eyebrow, he knew it. "Okay, I do care. But I don't want to. I mean it. These last seven months have been… perfect." That was the only way to describe it. "I got more time than I thought I would… who knew your parents would be cool with me staying so long? Part of me wants to keep going exactly how we have been. Where it's just you and me, but we have to face the real world eventually. I want to face the real world; I just don't want it to change anything."

"It doesn't have to," he said softly. "They can't change us if we don't let them." I really hoped he was right. "Besides, it's only two days a week. You can come over the other three and it'll just be the two of us."

"We still have to go to class," I pointed out. "Same as we have been." But he was right. I thought I could handle two days a week.

Over and over, I reminded myself about that. I could handle this. As we approached the school, I filled with doubt. Had the school always looked so foreboding and uninviting?

Benji didn't disturb my racing thoughts as we stood outside the entrance. His hand brushed mine, but I didn't take it right away. It hit me in that moment exactly what we were about to do. Once we walked through the door, we'd never really be able to go back to how things had been. If I hadn't had the seven perfect months I'd gotten with him, maybe this would have been easier, but I knew that everything was going to change.

I nodded. "I'm ready."

"We can take this slow," he reminded me. "We don't have to do anything until you're ready."

I wanted to be ready; I so desperately wanted to be ready, but I couldn't make myself take his hand. As the day went on, I couldn't make myself tell anyone that Benji was my boyfriend, not even when someone asked me about Mia. They assumed our relationship hadn't survived the pandemic, and I didn't correct them.

I stopped by Benji's house to grab my duffel bag after school. For several minutes, we just stood next to his front door. "I don't know what to say." How was I supposed to sum up the last seven months? A thank you didn't seem adequate.

"You don't need to say anything." He hooked one of his hands around my ear. "This isn't some emotional goodbye. We're going to see each other at school tomorrow, and you're gonna come here all the time."

I nodded, but still felt my chest tighten. "I know. I just… I can't believe that I'm going home. These last seven months have been –" I sighed. I didn't have the words or the eloquence to say this right, so I gave up trying. "You know. I love you so much."

"Love you too." He pulled me close to him, and I closed my eyes as I settled into his embrace. "You can come back anytime, you know. If it gets to be too much, your half of the bed will always be open."

I pulled back from his embrace to kiss him. It felt like a goodbye, and I hated that. "I'll call you tonight," I promised him.

He nodded and squeezed my hand before I walked out the door. There was a bus stop around the corner from his house, but I chose to walk. I needed the long walk to compose myself.

I keyed into my apartment and heard Adrian's shrill shriek a split second before he threw himself toward me. The tears I hadn't cried when I felt Benji were threatening to spill now. I kissed the top of his head and hugged him tightly. I'd seen him every few weeks and all the time on FaceTime, but it wasn't the same. I'd missed him more than words could describe.

"What's going… on." The last word came out as no more than a whisper as my mom emerged from the kitchen.

I looked up from Adrian and met her gaze. "Are you back to stay?" Adrian asked.

Without looking away from my mom, I said, "I hope so."

My mom coughed. "Welcome back. I, uh, need to finish making dinner." She disappeared into the kitchen leaving me feeling inexplicably disappointed. I probably should've been grateful not to be the subject of her disapproval or her anger, but I mostly felt dissatisfied with her lack of a reaction.

I didn't have too much time to dwell on it because Pilar came out of her room and being back with them kind of made me feel like I was whole again. I loved Benji more than words could describe, but he couldn't fill the space that was reserved for Pilar and Adrian.

We spent the night sitting closer to each other than we had in months and talking without a screen or six feet between us. I tossed and turned when we went to bed. My bed felt foreign and like it no longer was mine. I was sure I would get used to it eventually, but it didn't seem like it was going to happen tonight.

After about an hour, I went out to our living room for a change of scenery and was surprised when my mom was quietly crying on the couch. "Mom?" She looked up and hastily wiped her eyes. "Are you okay?" She nodded, but a quiet sob ripped out of her. I tentatively approached and sat down next to her. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head before she let out a choking sound and threw her arms around me. "I'm so sorry, mi amore." My shock and confusion left me rooted in place; I was unable to hug her back or push her away because I wasn't sure which one I wanted to do. When she pulled back, I was still stunned.

"What –" I coughed because my word had been barely audible. "What are you sorry for?"

"Everything. I'm so sorry that this apartment wasn't a safe space for you. I'm sorry that I never answered you when you tried to talk to me and that I never reached out when I was ready to listen. I am sorry for everything I put you through."

"Why didn't you answer my texts?" I asked her. I hated how angry I sounded, and I hadn't realized until that moment that I was furious. I'd told Benji about a thousand times that if she apologized, I'd accept it without question, but I realized I'd only been deluding myself.

Her hands pressed into my wrist. "When you first left, I was so angry and so scared," she admitted. "I thought I knew you better than anyone, but the kid that walked out of this apartment felt like a stranger. It took me a long time to realize that you weren't the stranger; I was. By then, I wasn't sure if you'd want to hear from me."

I scoffed and stood up. "That's bullshit, and you know it. It's not on me that you ignored me for months. Months, mom."

She ducked her head. "I know. It's not on you. I didn't mean it like that." She brought her hand to her chest. "I have missed you so much. It was like part of my heart was missing. I love you, Vic. So much. You are my whole world, and I couldn't face the pain I caused you. I know I made you feel like there wasn't room for who you are here, but there is. There's more than enough room."

"What does that mean?" I asked. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was misunderstanding this whole thing.

"It means that… I know I broke something between us. I feel like I lost you… it hurts more than I can describe. I… I don't understand this part of you. I'm sorry, but I don't. But I promise you, Victor, I will get there."

"You didn't lose me," I told her seriously. "I'm right here."

"Yes," she agreed. "You are right here, and I've missed nearly eight months of your life. I'm done missing you. I promise, I will do better. I will show you that you can trust me, and you can trust that I will support you no matter what."

"Do you know what that means?" I asked her. What she'd said had been beautiful, and part of me just wanted to accept the win and move on, but I couldn't. I needed her to know what that meant. She looked at me confused. "It means you have to be okay with Benji. I love him, and I really hope he's not going anywhere. If you really mean it, and you really wanna make things better between us, you need to acknowledge that Benji is part of me now."

She closed her eyes for a moment before she nodded. "You should invite him over one day. I'd love to officially meet him."

I knew my mouth was open but that was the last thing I expected. "What changed? You could barely look at me when I got home today. You couldn't look at me at all back in March."

"That's fair. I didn't want to push you earlier. I know you have every reason to hate me for what I put you through. All I can say is that you being gone changed things; I got an idea of what my life would look like without you, and I didn't like it. I don't want to do anything that could push you away again or make you hate me more."

"I don't hate you." She pulled me close to her again. This time, I let myself melt into her embrace.

Maybe it was naïve, but I believed her. I thought it was going to be a long time before things were okay, but this was better than I'd dared hope for.

I stopped to get coffee for me and Benji on my way to school the next morning and waited outside the entrance for him. He showed up a few minutes later.

"Morning," I said with a grin.

"Morning." His mask rested at his chin which made it really to pull down mine and kiss him. He looked surprised when I pulled back. I passed him his coffee. "Thanks."

"I… I want to hold your hand when we walk in."

"Are you sure? Because you said you were ready yesterday, and you obviously weren't."

"I was ready," I told him softly. "I was scared, but I'm tired of being scared." I clasped his hand in mine. "I'm not scared to love you, and I don't want you or anyone else to think I am."

"Okay," he said. I couldn't see it, but I was sure he was smiling under his mask.

We walked into school hand in hand, and it was kind of anticlimactic. There weren't a ton of people that had returned in person; it didn't help that everyone that opted into coming back in person had been separated into two cohorts, and we didn't have a choice in which one we were in. Benji and I had gotten lucky that we'd ended up in the same one – I was still convinced that his parents had something to do with that because everyone else in the second half of the alphabet, including Pilar, were going in on Thursdays and Fridays.

Still, even if there weren't a lot of people, it still mattered that we'd taken this step. It still mattered that I was ready to be seen.