Chapter 13

After we got Jisoo settled in my room, Kai put a call in to his manager. He planned to do a show here at a little bar called Sam's Place, where he used to play in high school. He wanted to honor the place where he came from—give something back to the locals, like Bruce Springsteen always does at the Stone Pony.

And Sam's Place is where we are right now.

It's packed—standing room only. Jisoo and I are in front, our arms bumping against each other as we dance and sing. Kai's up on stage, a few songs into his first set. He looks fantastic. Dark jeans, a crisp white button-down, and a clean-shaven chin.

He knows just how to work the crowd—when to get them fired up with a guitar-screaming riff or settle them down with soft ballad.

I've never been more proud of him.

The song ends and someone in the back yells that they love him. Kai looks down and laughs, a little bashful. Then he brings his mouth to the microphone. "I love you guys too. So this next song is new. I haven't played it for any of the suits yet, but I wanted to play it for you tonight. It's for someone... who believed in me... even when there wasn't much of a reason to. And I want her to know that I'll always have her back, that she'll always be in my heart, and she'll never be alone."

His eyes find mine in the crowd. And he winks. I nod, message received. Then he starts to sing.

Years feel like yesterday

And I can't believe how fast time flies

Don't want to let another second go

Without letting you know

What you always should have known

I'll catch you if you stumble

Pick you up if you fall

Hold you when you're hurting

But baby, most of all,

I'll be there... so you'll never be alone

Don't ever feel alone

The beat pulses in my stomach. And I listen to the words. And I think about how lucky I am to have all the things I do. Priceless, precious blessings. I have a family that loves me. Friends who would kill for me. Literally.

And I think about who I am. I survived my father's death with my soul intact. I graduated Wharton School at the top of my class. Remember when I first started working at the firm? And Lisa Manoban was the golden girl? And I put her right in her place—kicked her ass from one end of the office to the other.

I did that.

Because I was stubborn. And smart. And because I believed I was capable. Lisa once told me you can change the color of the walls, but the room would still be the same.

And she was right.

I was all those things before her—and I'm still all those things now.

Without her.

From now on, each day that goes by

Gonna give it my best try

To show you what you mean to me

'Cause if I don't have you on my side

None of this means anything

Don't want to let another second go

Without letting you know

What you always should have known

Have you ever lost your keys? And you check all your pockets and pull the cushions off the couch. And then—after searching for ten minutes—you turn around and there they are. On the table. Right in front of you the whole time.

Almost... like the answer was too easy to see right away.

That's what this feels like.

Because suddenly I know what I want. I'm confident. Certain. And I know what I'm capable of. It won't be easy—the greatest achievements in life never are. Things like climbing Everest, or becoming the president? They're difficult. But so worth it.

I'll catch you if you stumble

Pick you up if you fall

Hold you when you're hurting

But baby, most of all

I'll be there... so you'll never be alone

Don't ever feel alone

I imagine myself a few years from now, walking home on the city streets from the job I love—one hand holding a briefcase, the other holding the small, sweet hand of my little girl or boy.

And I picture us at the dining-room table, working on homework and talking about our day. I see story times, and bedtimes, tickle-times, hugs, and butterfly kisses.

Being a single mother wasn't something I'd ever planned to be... but now? It's who I want to be.

I'll be there every step of the way

Won't miss a moment

I'll be there every step of the way

Won't miss a moment

You know that saying? The best-laid plans of mice and men...? You might want to remember that right about now.

Because as soon as the decision takes root in my mind, I feel a dull throbbing. You ladies will know what I'm talking about. That pulling cramp in my lower abdomen. And a thick, warm wetness oozes out from between my legs, seeping into my underwear.

My heartbeat pounds against my chest, and I head for the restrooms. Hoping I'm wrong.

But once I'm in the stall, I see that I'm not.

I stumble back out of the bathroom, into the crowd. My hands shaking with dread, with fear. Because this is wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I grab Jisoo's arm and tell her. But the music's too loud, and she doesn't hear me. I pull her to the back of the bar, where it's quieter, and I force the words out.

"Chu, I'm bleeding."

Forrest Gump had it all wrong. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.

Doctors are.

The vivacious but inexperienced physician right out of medical school, or the battle-hardened know-it-all finishing the last minutes of a twenty-hour shift—you never know what you're gonna get.

"Spontaneous abortion."

My eyes snap away from the gray blob of the ultrasound screen to the steel-blue eyes of the emergency-room doctor. But he's not looking at me—he's too busy writing on his clipboard.

"Wh... what did you say?"

"Spontaneous abortion—miscarriage. It's common in the first trimester."

I make an effort to process his words, but I can't quite manage it. "Are you... are you saying I'm losing my baby?"

Finally he looks up. "Yes. If you haven't already lost it. This early in gestation, it can be difficult to tell."

As he wipes the cool, clear gel off my abdomen, Jisoo squeezes my hand. We called my mother on the way to the hospital, but she hasn't gotten here yet.

I swallow hard, but I refuse to give up. Stubborn—remember?

"Is there anything you can do? Hormone therapy or bed rest? I'll do bed rest for the entire nine months if it'll help."

His tone is clipped and impatient. "There's nothing I could prescribe that could stop this. And believe me, you wouldn't want me to. Spontaneous abortion is natural selection, the body's way of terminating a fetus with some catastrophic deformity that would have prevented it from surviving outside the womb. You're better off."

The room starts to spin as the hits keep on coming. "You need to make a follow-up appointment with your regular gynecologist. When the fetal tissue is expelled, you should scoop it out of the toilet with a strainer. Then put it in a spill-proof container—a jelly jar would work well—so your doctor can analyze the remains and ensure the uterus is empty. If all the uterine matter isn't..."

I press the back of my hand against my mouth to keep the bile in. And Jisoo charges to the rescue. "That's enough. Thank you, Doctor Frankenstein—we've got it from here."

He's offended. "I need to give the patient accurate instructions. If tissue is left inside the uterus it could lead to sepsis, and possibly death. She may need a D to prevent infection."

My voice is weak. "What's... what's a D ?"

It sounds familiar. I'm sure at some point in my life I've learned the definition, but I just can't remember.

"Vacuum extraction."

Images pop into my head with his words, and I gag.

He continues, "A suction hose is inserted into the cervix—"

"Jesus Christ, would you stop talking!" Jisoo shouts. "Can't you see she's upset? Were you in the fucking bathroom when they taught bedside manner in medical school?"

"Excuse me, miss, I don't know who you think you are, but I won't be spoken to—"

Her finger points at the curtained doorway like the snap of a soldier's salute. "Get. Out. She'll make an appointment with her regular doctor. We're done with you."

A slight breeze blows past me, and I'm not sure if it's the doctor. Because my eyes refuse to focus, and my mind is reeling. Trying so hard to grasp this latest turn of events... and failing miserably.

Jisoo puts her hand on my arm and my head turns toward her, surprised.

Like I forgot she was there.

"Jennie? We're gonna get you dressed now, okay? I'm going to take you home."

I nod my head numbly. It feels like I'm not even here—like an out-of-body experience. Or a nightmare. Because there's no way this can really be happening.

After everything... it's just not possible that this is how it all ends.

Jisoo dresses me, like I'm a child. Then she helps me off the table. And together we make our way to the car.

Back in my room, Jisoo sits at the foot of my bed and my mother tucks the covers in around me. Her eyes shine with unfallen tears.

But not mine. Mine are as dry as the Sahara.

Barren.

My mom brushes my hair back and picks lint off the bedsheets. "You want something to eat, honey?"

Her voice is a little desperate, grasping for some action that will somehow make this better. I shake my head without a word. Because all the chicken soup in the world isn't going to help me.

Not this time.

She kisses my forehead and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. And Jisoo and I sit. Silently.

I should feel... relieved. I mean, just a short while ago, I thought this was what I wanted, right? Out of my hands.

Problem solved.

But the only thing I feel is... regret. Remorse. It fills my lungs and chokes me with every breath I take. Because deep down, under all the fear and the shock and uncertainty, I wanted this baby. I loved this perfect little piece of Lisa and me. So much.

I just didn't realize it in time.

Too little, too late. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. All clichés—and all so fucking true. Then a thought comes to me, and I throw the covers back and jump out of bed. I open my drawers and dig through them, searching fruitlessly.

Then I drop to my knees at the closet and drag out the duffel bag I brought from New York. And I rummage through it, like a widow who's lost her wedding ring.

"Jennie?"

And then I find it. The tiny T-shirt I bought that night. The one I was going to give to Lisa—to announce the big news.

I stare at it and I feel the tears come. I trace my fingers over the letters: FUTURE YANKEES PITCHER. And in my head I see that little boy again. My sweet little boy.

Ours.

The one with his mother's eyes and irresistible smile. The one that will never be. I bring the shirt to my face and inhale. And I swear to God it smells like baby powder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." My shoulders shake and a monsoon pours down from my eyes. My breaths come in gasps, and I clutch the shirt against me—the way a toddler does with his favorite stuffed animal. "Please... I didn't mean it. I was just scared... I wasn't going to..."

I'm not sure who I'm talking to—myself, or my baby, or maybe even God. I just need to say the words, so they'll be out there and real. So the universe will know that this was never how I wanted things to be.

Jisoo rubs my back, letting me know she's there. That she's behind me, like always. I turn to her. And with my head against her chest, I cry my heart out.

"Oh God, Chu. Please..."

"I know, Jennie. I know."

There are tears in her voice too. Because that's how real friends are—they share your pain. Your agony is theirs, even if it's not in equal measure.

"It's okay... it's gonna be okay," she tries.

I shake my head. "No. It's not. It'll never be okay again."

Jisoo's arms wrap around me tight, trying so hard to hold me together.

"Why? I don't understand. Why did this happen? Lisa and I are... and now the baby... and it was all for nothing. Nothing."

I told you I'd be asking why again, remember?

Jisoo smooths my hair down. And her voice is calm. "I don't know why, Jen. I wish I could tell you... but... I just don't know."

We stay like that for a while. And eventually, the tears die down. I make my way back to the bed and Jisoo sits beside me. I look at the little shirt again and shake my head. "It hurts so much. I never knew anything could feel this bad."

"Is there anything you want me to do, Jennie?"

My eyes leak quietly. And my voice is frail. "I want Lisa. I want her here."

If the world was like it's supposed to be, she'd be here. And she'd be just as devastated as I am. She'd try to hide it, but I'd know. She would climb into this bed with me, and she'd hold me and I would feel safe, and loved... and forgiven.

And she'd tell me that this just wasn't the right time. But that if I want a baby, she'll give me a dozen. Lisa is really big with the overkill.

And then she'd kiss me. And it would be gentle and sweet. And then she'd say something silly like, "Just think of all the fun we'll have making them." And I'd smile. And it would hurt a tiny bit less.

Just because she was with me.

Jisoo nods and reaches for the phone. But my hand covers hers—stopping her. Her eyes look at me with understanding, like she already knows what I'm thinking. And she probably does.

"She'll come, Jennie. You know she'll come."

I shake my head. "You weren't there, Jisoo. She was... vicious. I've never seen her so angry. It was like... like she thought I was picking the baby over her. Like I'd betrayed her."

I close my eyes against the memory. "She'll be happy. She'll be glad the baby's gone... and then I'll hate her."

And even after everything that's happened—I'm just not ready to hate Lisa Manoban.

Jisoo sighs. And her hand moves away from the phone. "I think you're wrong. I'll be first in line to point out what an idiot Lisa can be, but... I can't imagine her ever being happy about something that's hurt you. Not like this."

I don't answer her, because the door to my bedroom opens. And Kai walks in. He looks tired, his face is somber, and I know my mother's told him.

"You okay?"

I shake my head.

"Yeah. I figured as much." He sits down in the beanbag chair and rubs his eyes. "This is just... totally FUBAR. And when really fucked-up things happen? All you can do is get fucked up right along with it."

That's when I notice the bag he brought with him. It's supermarket brown, and bulging.

He picks it up and dumps some of the contents out. There's a few bags of weed, a carton of Marlboro reds, and two bottles of tequila. I stare at the honey-colored liquid. And I think of Mexican music, and warm skin, and midnight whispers with Lisa.

I love you, Jennie.

I look away. "I can't drink tequila."

Like Mary Poppins with her bottomless bag, Kai reaches back in and takes out a bottle of Grey Goose.

And I nod slowly. "Vodka works."