Taking the Plunge

Summary: Post S2 AU - Britta resolves to stop Jeff from getting married

Tags: britta perry, jeff winger, michelle slater, shirley bennett, abed nadir

angst, pining, bittersweet

A/N: Special thanks to ReadyMcReaderson for letting me go on about this story months ago, as I'm basically writing it for them. And then they helped me with the title and landing the ending and sending a stupid song to me while I was writing this that made me bawl. You should blame them if you cry.

It seemed to happen suddenly, but Britta should have realized something was up. She hadn't been paying that much attention to Jeff after their second year, mostly because they had agreed to call it quits after the group found out about them fooling around. It really had taken any of the intrigue out of it, at least it felt that way at the time.

During fall of their third year, Jeff had been eerily cheerful and seemingly well-balanced, which made Britta gag, so she just kind of ignored him. Part of the appeal of sleeping with him in the past was he was kind of a mess, so she had felt a little superior to him, especially when they first banged on the study table and she pulled a gun on him. Seemingly stable Jeff Winger, who was now consulting for his old law firm so could afford to move into a nicer apartment and was no longer hanging out as much with the study group due to having to balance school with work, just wasn't that interesting to her. She had been preoccupied trying on a Troy flirtation that kind of went nowhere when she wasn't high and therapizing Abed. So she really hadn't been paying attention.

But then there were signs, she reflected. The stray long dark hair on Jeff's jacket, Jeff no longer worrying that much about carbs, and Jeff's sudden intricate knowledge of ice cream that she accidentally stumbled upon when she ran into him at 11:30pm at a Seven Eleven when she had the munchies. Her memories were of course blurry, but she vaguely recalled him sighing at her and then muttering about various ice cream flavors before finally selecting a mint chocolate chip and a caramel vanilla swirl and tossing a peanut butter fudge pint into her basket before he left.

Now that he had sprung the news he was engaged, it all added up. Jeff Winger had been having a serious relationship.

In a moment that had given her shivers and not the good kind, Jeff had taken her aside after biology class that spring and asked if they could go somewhere private and talk. She had of course agreed, as he seemed nervous and she couldn't fathom what he was going to say before he sat across from her in the coffee shop around the corner from campus and said,

"I probably should have told you this sooner, but I guess I was a bit of a coward. I've been seeing someone, and it's gotten serious."

She nodded, more in bafflement at first and then in growing astonishment as her unique mind began to rapidly put all the pieces together about how he had been acting for months. Her eyes widened as she said,

"Wow. Oh my god."

He nodded to match her, and raised an eyebrow with a hint of bemusement she didn't understand and then to her horror reached across the table and took her hand. Of course her reflexes were quick and she slapped him across his stupid knuckles.

"Hey!"

"What's with the hand grab?! You're wanting me to participate in some sort of sordid threesome? Oh my god, that's exactly what this is. I knew it."

She squinted and she hoped conveyed her seething. She would not have a threesome with Jeff Winger. That was one thing she knew for sure. If he couldn't satisfy her alone, how could he possibly do so when he had to also keep his attention elsewhere? The pig.

"No!"

He was staring at her wide eyed and shirked a little, but she knew him too well.

"Now you're thinking about it."

"Of course I am. How could I not?" He paused and then collected himself and added, "Anyway, I really wanted to tell you something else before I talked to the group. Because of you know, our history."

"This is strangely adult of you."

"I know. My girlfriend's made me a better person. She's actually the one who suggested I talk to you privately. And the reason I'm telling you that and not just pretending I've massively matured is because I really want you to give her a chance."

She scoffed, "Why wouldn't I give her a chance? We're not together anymore, Jeff. I'm not jealous. We just boinked anyway." She rolled her eyes and began to scan the room in boredom as the barista arrived and placed her green tea soy latte in front of her.

Jeff's throat cleared a little too strangely, and she turned her attention back to him. He had the appearance of almost a school boy in that moment, shifting awkwardly as if he had to confess something.

"Why do you look so guilty?"

"Please, I need you to take this news well."

"What news?"

"Look, this is really awkward, but see, you know her."

Britta's stomach suddenly flipped, for there was no good name that could possibly pop out of his mouth next. He seemed positively terrified, his brow sweaty. Up until that moment, she had assumed he had met some girl at work or a bar or something, but it must have been on campus.

Fuck.

Her mind, always in hyperdrive unless she was stoned, started flipping through the various possibilities, immediately ruling out the blondes and redheads while cross-referencing brunettes whom she knew and could be even remotely upset about.

It hit her with a massive shock, but before he could say anything she blurted, "Oh my god! Are you serious? Annie?!"

"What?!" His voice rose two pitches into a semi shriek.

She continued with remarkable lucidity that surprised even her, "I mean yeah, I saw you suck her face half off during that debate two years ago and I know all about your little Transfer Dance kiss, but come on! I thought you were over her."

She had even used air quotes on Transfer Dance for some reason, she supposed because she refused to call it what the Dean had called it. But she hoped her gesticulations were impactful. She stared him down good, for she was hoping to make her point. She really had thought he had moved on from his little flirtation with their mutual friend, even if she had caught a glimpse of some googly eyed exchange during Troy and Abed's housewarming party, but that was way back in the early fall before Jeff started getting so weird.

But she supposed now it all added up. They started something after the party, kept it secret, and then Jeff was avoiding the study group so…wait. Annie was in the study group and had seemed equally annoyed at Jeff's absence.

Well damn.

He was staring at her wide eyed again and then snorted.

"You just figured out you were wrong, didn't you?"

"How did you know that?"

"Because I know you. Now you're blushing because you're embarrassed."

"I am not."

She felt the heat in her cheeks and then was kinda pissed off, but he chuckled and leaned back just a tad and she was reminded that he cared about her, and clearly he cared what she thought of him and his new girlfriend.

She managed, "Well, thank god it's not Annie because that would be hella awkward."

He nodded and then his eyes shifted before coming back to hers. He rapped his knuckles twice on the table, cleared his throat, and said, "There's not a good way to tell you this, but I've been seeing Michelle."

Well that was surprising. She felt her head involuntarily turning almost ninety degrees to the right as she tried to comprehend. At the same time, the words just spilled out, "You're fucking Slater again?"

"Jesus!"

"Slater?!"

Her head was stuck at ninety degrees but she was okay with that. For some reason it helped her make her point that this was the most asinine situation she could possibly imagine. She'd rather have him be dating Annie. At least Annie was a nice person and not two-faced like Michelle.

"See, this is what I was worried about." He paused to collect himself and added, "Britta, I need you to understand. Michelle and I worked things out, and things are different this time. She's different, I'm different. We're different. It's better, and I'm really happy."

She was already concentrating on taking some deep breaths, as her lung capacity was somehow suddenly pretty limited. She slowly righted herself and then gulped, fully taking in what he had said. It seemed more than fucking. He was staring at her all sappy like, and she knew.

"You love her, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

He had responded without hesitation, and her stomach fell farther than she thought it ever could. She supposed she was devastated, and that alarmed her, for she thought she had a good grip on things lately, even with all the weirdness. The stuff she tried to push out of her mind, that she tried not to think about every damn day. The times she caught herself looking, perhaps even admiring, then remembering how she had been treated, how she had been pretty much shamed for having feelings. How everything had been a damn secret.

And yet, here were Jeff and Michelle, now apparently all open to the world. They got to do that. But no, for Britta it had to be in the shadows. She suddenly felt like she was going to barf.

She realized he was holding her hand now, and she didn't have the energy to shove him away. The next words merely added on a little feather of a weight to the anvil, but it was just enough to make her feel like she was losing her mind,

"I asked her to marry me. She said yes."

X

X

X

She didn't know how she managed to form coherent sentences and somehow convince Jeff she was cool. But she did and now she was safely home in her apartment with her cats who although they were hiding from her at present to avoid their medicine loved her in their way. That somehow gave her comfort, and she put down the medicine dropper and then wiped a tear that was rolling from her left eye.

"Goddammit."

She hadn't wanted him to know how sad she was of course. She had to keep her dignity. So she had given him her blessing, merely stating she was surprised but would trust he was doing what was best for him and she'd of course always be his friend, blah blah blah. She did what she always did when someone kind of broke her heart. She pretended she was only a little hurt when in fact it was a thousand paper cuts to her soul.

This injury was more like a thousand knives, and the fact that it was more intense than all the others really troubled her. How had she let someone she met at Greendale of all places get under her skin like that? She was supposed to be getting her degree and then moving on to therapy school. Not falling in love.

Was it love? She wasn't completely sure. It was something though, something with attraction yet a lot of personal disdain at times but she knew there was more underneath that narcissistic exterior. She had seen glimpses of it coupled with swift denials.

How did Jeff and Michelle work as a couple anyway? They must both be more vulnerable with each other now and shit. How come she got the leftovers? Why couldn't someone be consistently vulnerable with her? That's all she had ever really wanted.

Why did Jeff have to want to marry Michelle of all people?

Michelle. That stupid bitch who tried to take her crown. That bitch who mocked her at the dance, who stuck her tongue out as if she was a bratty teen despite being a supposedly intelligent professional woman with a phd. The bitch who practically snapped her bra strap in front of the whole campus. Metaphorically, of course.

X

X

Things had gotten even more tense second year after both of them had realized what had gone on with Jeff and Annie the night of the dance after he had ditched them. Britta had played up the high drama with Jeff for the campus, both not wanting to give in and admit anything, whereas Michelle had merely taken the mousy way out. In a way that was consistent with her trying to play it cool with Jeff in the past after she had first broken up with him, but it had disappointed Britta. She supposed there was a part of her that had wanted Michelle to be equally incensed. So she stormed into her office to have a little chat.

"What the hell are you doing Brittles?" Michelle had glared at her from her seated position at her desk where it appeared she was reading through some papers.

"I am slamming this door shut is what I'm doing!" She did so and then stomped over and sat down opposite Michelle on the other side of the desk, giving her best glare.

"I don't understand why you're here."

The veneer of politeness was something, that was for sure. Britta inched forward a bit and then tapped her index finger on the desk and said with what she hoped was gravitas, "And I don't understand why you're not giving Jeff hell. After what he did at the Transfer Dance to both of us. And did you hear? Apparently after he left the dance he immediately went and shoved his tongue down Annie Edison's throat. Annie. She's less than two years out of high school."

Michelle pursed her lips, glanced down at the papers, and then seemed to make a silent decision to engage. She took a deep breath and then said, "I did hear something about that."

Britta nodded with vigor.

Michelle continued, "As alarming as that incident seems, I don't see what it has to do with me. Or you, for that matter. Aren't we both done with Jeff? And shall I remind you, that was back in May. It's September. I've moved on, and I hope you will too. It might be good for you to do so."

Britta instantly found herself making a disgusted face.

"Oh please. I'm not interested in Jeff like that. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to stand up for myself."

Michelle started straightening her papers and remarked with a glint in her eye, "Is that what you're doing? Standing up for yourself? See from where I am and what I hear through the gossip mill is that you and Jeff are in love and sickening sweet."

She could tell Michelle knew what was happening. She saw right through it, when most of campus was so damn literal. But Michelle with her high and mighty phd was of course clued in. Britta felt something in her shift, and she wasn't sure exactly, but it caused her to pull her chair even closer and thump her elbows on the desk so she could cradle her face.

"God, you have no idea how exhausting that all is."

Michelle snorted.

"I bet."

Michelle was regarding her with a curiosity that Britta found jarring in that way that would happen when you were watching a movie and then found yourself empathizing with the villain in that moment right before you realized they weren't the villain and it was all a misdirect. Abed had taught her some things about that, but she couldn't remember the name of the concept. At any rate, in her confusion she could only ask one thing.

"Shouldn't I hate you?"

"If you want to, but I'm the only other woman on this campus who will tell you who the real Jeff Winger is."

Britta's eyes widened and Michelle nodded smugly.

"Britta, I have no interest in fighting with you anymore."

"So you do know my name."

"Of course I do. I just used Brittles to put you on edge and get you to go away from me."

"Hey!"

"Don't think that I don't know you refer to me as Slater and at times Professor McBitchFace."

"My bad."

"Yes. Your bad."

Britta shirked.

"You should really just call me Michelle."

X

X

X

Later that week after Jeff had told her about the engagement, Britta sat at the study table as the rest of the group found out. Jeff had winked at her as their friends gave their various reactions, and she did her best to appear supportive. It seemed to work, as the rest of the group seemed surprised she hadn't been more incensed. She put on a serene expression and explained she and Jeff had already talked it out and there would be no animosity, she was happy for him. And she was happy for Michelle. That Transfer Dance nonsense had been ages ago.

She didn't let on that she and Michelle had actually privately made up second year. At the time she had told Shirley about it, and Shirley was just not that understanding as she still wanted to fill Michelle's office with water from the campus hose. Britta had tried explaining to her how Michelle actually didn't seem that bad and it was nice to have someone to talk to about Jeff, but Shirley had put up her hand and done her "uh uh," so that had really squashed any talk of it. She had felt oddly let down, and then a wave of something washed over her, but she couldn't identify it.

So she kept the truce with Michelle to herself. She'd just stop by Michelle's office every once in a while and they'd snark on something for a few minutes before Britta went on her merry way. It was kind of a guilty pleasure. Plus, it turned out Michelle was super nerdy and made very odd Statistics jokes that Britta just didn't get and Michelle knew she didn't get, but she made them anyway and Britta had to give her props for that. It was something she would do if she were a Statistics nerd.

So one day she asked, "Hey, you wanna hang out?"

"I thought that's what we were doing."

"I meant like go to a bar or something. There's this great place called The Red Door over on fifth."

Michelle sighed and explained, "I can't really fraternize with students."

"You dated Jeff."

"Yes, but see, this would be different. We'd be…?"

–"Friends?"

"That's a sentence I never thought I'd hear. Britta Perry calling me her friend. Well, this is a day."

Britta opened her mouth in rage. "Bitch!"

"Oh, don't be mean. Be medium, mode, or range."

"Huh?"

Michelle chuckled and said, "Sorry. I should clarify I wasn't insulting you. I was just a little surprised we've come to this point where you want to be the kind of friends who go to a bar and hang out."

"Yeah, it took me unawares as well. Trust me." Britta squinted as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Michelle merely responded breezedly, "Well, as flattered as I am, I've learned my lesson. No more fraternizing with students. I'm sorry, Britta, but I'm going to have to say no."

X

X

X

How things had ended up where they were at present in third year, with Jeff having announced his relationship and then engagement to Michelle, was complicated. Britta wasn't sure how all the pieces fit together, but it was definitely, per Abed, a plot twist she hadn't seen coming. She hadn't really spoken to Micehlle in ages by this point, so she had no fucking idea.

She had stopped dropping by Michelle's office shortly after she began sleeping with Jeff again. It was partly out of guilt and the fact she couldn't be authentic. She couldn't imagine Michelle's face if she knew. But of course the reasons she had gone back to Jeff and continued to hook up with him were driven by a number of forces that she did her best to shove back into the recesses of her mind. It was simpler just to have sex with Jeff and not care. Not care about anything. Not have actual feelings.

No, she didn't have feelings of liking being touched, especially in the spot behind her ear, especially when it was light yet firm with a stroke up her neck. She didn't have feelings about being kissed with what started out rough but inevitably ended up more tender than either of them would admit. She didn't have feelings about staring into another's soul but then pretending not to see anything, and of course to never talk about it. Keep it discrete and make excuses should anyone see them step out of a room together. Perhaps even follow at a respectable distance.

Sure, Abed knew but that was pretty much it. She told him to not even think about telling people, and he meekly agreed. She lived in low grade terror that he'd blab but for some reason he didn't.

And then it had all ended. Just like that. One giant pivot where she went along with it and pretended she also did not care. She had no feelings.

It wasn't a big deal. These things happen. Easy breezy.

And part of her died a little inside.

X

X

X

She did her best to be nice to Michelle, she really did. Now that Jeff was bringing her to their parties and hosted one of his own where it was revealed that Michelle had moved in, and it was so wholesome and Shirley gushed on and on in a little too much of a way that everyone saw through but pretended they didn't. But then Britta tried to have a private convo with Shirley on the balcony and discovered that although Shirley still hated Michelle in theory she was actually warming to the idea of Jeff no longer slinking through life like the alley cat he was and settling down. Shirley really liked weddings, and she was apparently going to help them with some things.

Britta did her best to not ask Shirley what she thought of her if she thought Jeff was an alley cat. What she thought of her if she wasn't settling down, if she didn't have a man. If she might never have a man. But she didn't, and instead she pretended.

She congratulated Michelle, she gave her a big ol' hug in front of everyone, and then she offered to do the floral arrangements for their wedding.

And Jeff seemed ecstatic that she was so good, giving, and game. Just like a best friend is supposed to be.

X

X

X

The day of the wedding, which was in June because of course it was in June and for some reason Jeff and Michelle decided they didn't want to wait too long, Britta tidied up the flowers, made sure there were the correct number of place settings, and then went into the bathroom to throw up. She then excused herself to Shirely and Annie and went home to change, for she didn't really want to spend all day at the reception hall, which was a small hotel in Riverside.

She tried to stop the memories from flooding back into her consciousness. The looks, the touches, the kisses, the…she touched her breast and considered if any of them would know that it could be like that. No one would ever have guessed it.

Why didn't she get to have that?

She turned off the shower and almost banged her forehead into the glass door before she returned to her senses.

She had to stop the wedding.

X

X

It was about twenty minutes before the scheduled start time, with Jeff and Michelle planning on a fairly traditional ceremony absent a church or religious officiant. They had Michelle's uncle presiding, and Abed had so far been unsuccessful in convincing them to allow him to internet minister marry them or something. Britta hadn't been paying that much attention really until she shuffled in, stumbling a little in her two inch heels she had bought for the stupid thing. Annie had told her they made her legs look nice and she supposed Annie had no reason to lie other than pity. Britta tried not to think that Annie suspected this was hard on her, but Annie had always worn her feelings on her face and the sad eyes were like additional pieces of glass in Britta's heart.

She smoothed down her aqua colored dress, chosen because it matched her eyes. Originally she hadn't wanted to put that much effort into her outfit for the day, but as things had gotten closer she had found herself perhaps investing a little more effort. Why, she didn't know. What was she hoping for really? That someone would come to their senses for once? Maybe a moment, a look, was all that was needed? She'd stand there looking ridiculously cute and it would just be decided then. The wedding would be off.

Now that she had resolved to actually stop the wedding and cease lazily fantasizing about it, she realized that stance was way too passive. Plus they'd probably get married before either of them even turned around to notice her. She was used to being overlooked in life. That thought filled her with a sense of fury and determination and she lifted her head a little higher and stated aloud, "No more. Go get 'em."

"You're going to stop the wedding."

Abed's voice startled her, and she whipped around, almost falling over.

"Yikes. I didn't see you there."

Abed was dressed in a gray suit, the one he had worn for Shirley's wedding a couple months prior, and Britta felt her eyes forming slits as she took his look in.

"Hey, you're wearing your boring outfit."

Abed nodded, his face suddenly forming a placid expression that made her wanna punch him. He explained, "How else was I supposed to play this? This is the most boring wedding I've ever been to. Michelle's uncle is very blonde and generic, and I caught a peek at Michelle's gown, and trust me, it is that mermaid number we all knew she'd go for."

"You went into Michelle's dressing room?!" She smacked his elbow for some reason, and he rubbed it while maintaining his blandness.

"It needed to be done. She also hit me, and then Shirley threatened to 'whip my ass into the next county,' so I told Troy we should really just practice our jitterbug for the reception. He's not listening to me and went to get special punch."

Barely taking in half of what he had just said, she turned to the side and smoothed her dress once again, ignoring what she sensed was Abed glancing at her legs. She muttered, "I just need some air, that's what I need." She suddenly felt that her lungs were not taking in their full capacity once again, and she knew she was flushing.

"Maybe you need some special punch."

She turned to see Abed wiggling his eyebrows.

"That's the last thing I need. I need to…"

His face becoming ever more animated with each word, he interjected, "You need to stop this wedding, Britta. I've been waiting for something exciting to happen. Troy will be back in a minute and he can get you started."

"Oh my god, I….you know what, I could use a special punch. Thank you."

For some reason she started to breathe again, perhaps it was a combination of the anticipation of alcohol and the fact that Abed was now seemingly discarding his boring personna completely. She suspected he was gradually unraveling it as soon as she arrived at the hotel. He stepped even closer and to her bafflement, put one hand on each of her shoulders and stared her down.

"Britta, I have faith in you."

"How did you know?" She glanced up at him in all her vulnerability and started to sniff. It felt kind of nice that he didn't look away or tell her to hush. Instead, he maintained eye contact and an even voice.

"Remember, I know. I saw you two. I've kept my word and haven't told anyone, but I hope you know I've been rooting for you."

"You're just saying that because you want me to stop the horrible generic wedding."

"That's only half the reason. I actually think you and Michelle make a really good couple."

Having someone say it aloud filled her with a sense of relief. She barely registered Abed removing his hands and a handkerchief dabbing at her cheeks.

"Hey, we can't have you mess up your makeup. You have a wedding to stop."

"Shut up."

"You can do it."

By the time Troy arrived with the drinks, she was all too eager to slam one back and get on with things.

X

X

Due to it being, as Abed put it, a "very terribly generic and tedious" wedding, Britta was to be seated in the front row next to Jeff's mom rather than being a part of the wedding party. She supposed that was a way of honoring their friendship or something, as Shirley and Annie were directly to her left and Abed and Troy were part of the groomsmen along with Duncan as best man. Pierce was to be seated behind her, and she could already imagine what horrible things he might whisper into her ear during the ceremony.

She stared ahead at the front row, having just entered the hall from the rear. She saw the back of Jeff's mother's sandy blonde/graying head and decided she didn't want to face that guilt inducing nightmare right now. Assuming she succeeded in breaking up the wedding, there is no way Doreen Winger was going to be in a good mood. She took a deep breath and pivoted over to a side door, intent on making her way to Michelle's dressing room where she hoped Shirely would let her have a word.

The fact that Shirley of all people was one of the women helping Michelle get ready was still getting to Britta. She hoped she and Shirely could still be friends. How far did her Christianity govern her? After all her tentativeness and near confessions over the past few months, she supposed she was about to find out.

She wiped the sweat off her hands onto her dress and continued her march. The corridor seemed endless, but she knew that was probably just in her head. Flashes of meetings with Michelle flipped through her brain, from the moment that Michelle initially dismissed her offer to go to a bar, to the shutting of the office door and the way they had decided to actually fraternize. It had all started with a look, then a touch, then the slam and then the kiss. The ardent, passionate kiss that then turned tender and Britta had never felt so wanted in her entire life. They had stopped and Britta had run off, but only because she had been feeling so many things and was overwhelmed. When she returned a couple hours later, they had talked about it, both agreeing that it just seemed natural and to not overthink it. They'd keep it between themselves anyway. No need to have other people get all judgmental.

Her eyes briefly closed as she continued marching, some anger welling up as she thought about how she was kept a secret. But the rest had been so wonderful, and for the first time ever she had really let go with someone, even if that letting go had been in an office after hours on a wooden desk with one pillow. Her mind had been clear in the aftermath, and she had wanted more. Wanted it almost desperately. Michelle's tender yet fierce eyes led her to believe that there would be more.

The discarding process had been swift and had given her emotional whiplash. Michelle had calmly explained the next time she dropped by that she thought they should cool things a little, just a little for a bit, as she didn't want things to leak out and the after hours custodian had come by and said something to her or something. Britta didn't know if she was being blackmailed or what, but in the end it didn't matter, because she had been so desperate to cling to their thing, she had agreed and only stopped by with the door open for a while. Michelle had been polite and seemingly cheery, but she could tell things had changed.

To this day, she still regretted the moment she decided to cope with her feelings of abandonment by tapping Jeff on the chest and staring up at him, giving him just the look she knew would want him to get into her pants. It had been so easy and immediately reassuring. And that was when she made the decision to push all the other stuff down.

No, she would not do that anymore. She would ovary-up and go in there and declare her feelings. Michelle would just have to accept that, and she'd tell her that they'd face whatever the world thought together. Jeff would get over it and probably go hook up with Annie again or something. She and Michelle could live free and openly and actually go to The Red Door.

She opened her eyes and lifted her head even more.

She was ready to take the plunge.

X

X

As she neared Michelle's dressing room, she heard Michelle's voice, so she stopped and leaned in. The door was ajar, and she did her best to step to the side so she couldn't see her as she wasn't sure who was there with her at the moment.

"I can't believe we're doing this."

There was a playful lilt, and then a shuffling sound followed by Jeff's surprisingly soft tone.

"Hey, neither can I. When I think how far we've come."

Michelle chuckled. "I know. We were idiots, weren't we?"

"I'll say."

A long pause followed, with Britta inching even closer to make sure she caught every word.

Then a whispered, "I'm sorry I was so scared and pushed you away. I promise never to do that again."

Jeff loudly gulped and there were more shuffling noises before he spoke.

"I told you, I forgive you. As long as you continue to forgive me for leaving you high and dry at the dance."

"That wasn't fair of me. To declare my love for you like that."

"True, but I also didn't have to just run out."

"Plus, I didn't love you then. I just said that."

"Yeah, I kind of suspected that." Jeff paused and shifted from a sarcastic tone to one more teasingly, "But you love me now, so hey. Let's spend the rest of our lives making it up to each other."

"I love you so much."

The silence that ensued was the last blade ramming itself through Britta's heart. She gripped the door frame, suddenly dizzy as if she had literally been stabbed and blood was pouring out of her. She just couldn't fathom it.

She knew Jeff was in love with Michelle, but now she knew the feeling was mutual. Michelle sounded so genuine and it was honestly touching.

Just to add to the masochism, she leaned over and peeked through the crack in the door and was rewarded with sight of Michelle and Jeff kissing, their arms enveloping one another. It was definitely soft yet passionate, and it was in that moment that everything fell into place for her.

She couldn't stop it. They were happy.

She plastered on a tight smile and then turned around and ran, the sound of her heels echoing down the corridor.

X

X

She sat gingerly next to Doreen, determined not to ruin the day for two people whom she loved. She admitted to herself that for all their history and his mess, she loved Jeff Winger. He would always have a place in her heart. She knew if she absolutely needed him, he'd have her back any day, and that was valuable and lovely in its way. She wasn't going to upset his mom, so she made some small talk and tried to avoid looking at Shirley and Annie, feeling their pity glances.

She also wasn't going to destroy Michelle's big day. Things worked out this way for a reason, she tried telling herself. Michelle's heart wasn't with her, it was with Jeff and she didn't need to know why because maybe it wasn't a reflection on her but more their circumstances. Or hell maybe Jeff was just a better match for her really. It was a big mystery, that was for sure.

She caught Abed's eye as he and Troy stood waiting for Jeff and Duncan to join them. He seemed sad, and she swore there was a tear in the corner of one of his eyes. As her gaze lingered, she merely smiled slightly and gave a nod followed by a shrug.

He responded by silently mouthing, "I hate this."

That made her snort, and she quickly shoved Shirley's chastising hand away from hers and mumbled something about getting with the program.

The ensuing minutes were hard and at times very painful, but Britta tried to remember and hold onto the good.

She knew she was capable of loving someone, and she was going to hold onto that. No more sleepwalking through sleeping with random guys and wondering deep down what was wrong with her. She had tasted passion today, and she would no longer settle for anything less. She had felt things for Michelle that she had never felt before, and now that she knew she was capable of feeling those things, she was going to go on.

And love.