"Why are you with her?"
She didn't mean to say it. It wasn't her place. He was an adult and could make his own decisions. And she certainly had no claim to him. So when Lucy opened her mouth, she had meant to ask what he wanted for lunch. But instead she found herself asking that question. And maybe it wouldn't have been a weird thing- she always tried to get Tim to open up about his personal life. But her tone was all wrong. Even to her own ears she sounded…upset. Frustrated, bordering on hurt. And by the look Tim was giving her, he had heard it, too.
The man in question turned to face her full on. He leaned against the driver's door, gaze assessing in a way Lucy really didn't want right then. But she didn't back down. She didn't look away, even though she wanted to. Because, as much as she hated to admit it, she wanted to hear his answer. Tim cleared his throat. "Not sure I know what mean, Chen." And, God, he was an ass.
Or maybe he's letting you walk this back.
And she should. She really, really should. Because this was inappropriate on so many levels. Especially when she knew her own emotions were leaning into territory that they shouldn't be leaning. But again, she didn't back down. Squaring her shoulders as best she could, Lucy turned so she was facing Tim as well. "I just-" She thought of all the things Tim had told her about Ashley, all the things she had seen when he was around the other woman. "She's not right for you."
Lucy braced herself for the defensiveness- the anger she knew would be justified. But there was none. Or if there was, she couldn't see it. All she could see was a distant consideration in Tim's eyes- his analytical gaze resting heavy on her. "How long have you thought that?" And there was something in his tone that made Lucy want to shrink into herself. Something she hadn't heard before- not even those first few months of her rookie year. "Actually, no, you don't need to tell me. I already know."
"Tim-"
"For all your smiles and jokes and teasing, you've never liked me dating her." She opened her mouth to argue, to defend herself, but the deprecating smile that settled on his face silenced her. "The most honest thing you've ever said concerning your thoughts on Ashley, was that she needed to go because she didn't like Kojo. Don't look so surprised. You're not that good at hiding your feelings from me anymore, Lucy."
Lucy looked away then. That wasn't a possibility she wanted to dwell on. "I never said I didn't like her. She's nice. And beautiful. What's not to like?" She felt the dubious stare Tim was sending her way, even if she still wasn't looking at him. "Look, I'm not saying she's a bad person. I just don't know what you see in her. You have nothing in common-"
"Besides the job, neither do we." Lucy felt like she'd taken a hit to the chest. But while she was trying to regain her equilibrium, Tim didn't even pause. "On paper we make no sense. But it works. Why can't the same be true for me and Ashley?"
"Because! Because she isn't- She doesn't-"
Tim cut her off with a frustrated sigh. "I'm not doing this with you, Lucy." Her mouth snapped closed as she finally turned to look at the man next to her. His jaw was tight and his shoulders were tensed. She could see the frustration in his eyes, easily. "Whatever issue you're having with my personal life, that's not on me. I've got someone who cares about me, who wants to be with me. I'm not giving that up just because you've made up this idea of what I need in your head. Now, I'm gonna go get some food. I suggest you do the same." Then he was unbuckling his seatbelt and turning so he could get out of the shop.
Lucy watched as he got out and strode over to the food trucks. She knew she should get out. She knew she should find something to eat because they still had half a shift to finish and anything could happen. But she couldn't move. Her eyes tracked Tim's movements and she managed to (somehow) stay aware of her surroundings. But her mind and her heart were both going through vastly different spirals.
"Why did I do that?" It had been beyond inappropriate. It had been so stupid and reckless and pointless. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes and her throat was suddenly too tight. "Why the fuck did I do that?" She and Tim were good. There was no one she trusted more than him. She didn't go to any of her other friends the way she went to him. And now, because of stupid feelings she shouldn't even have- "Fuck…"
The knock at her door was a surprise.
Tamara was out at her weekly study group and Lucy had planned to wallow in her feelings with a bottle of wine for a while before trying to sleep off this entire day. So having someone knock at…10:32 pm…was not what she needed right now. Still, it might be Mrs. Feldman from across the hall. The woman got confused sometimes. So, Lucy pulled herself up from her couch and forced herself towards the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me." Lucy froze, hand halfway to the door handle. She wasn't ready for this. She knew what it was. He was going to tell her that they should stop riding together. He was going to tell her that he couldn't see her outside of a professional setting, anymore. And she couldn't blame him. But she wasn't ready, either. "Lucy, open the door."
She paused another second, forcing herself to pull in a calming breath. It didn't help, but she opened the door anyway. Tim stood on the other side. He looked tired and…something else that Lucy couldn't quite name. She watched as his eyes trailed over her and she felt herself tug nervously at the sleeves of her cardigan. His eyes met hers again and he nodded past her questioningly. "Right! Sorry. Um, you can- you can come in." She stepped back so he could come inside.
"Thanks," he said, sliding past her.
Lucy closed the door, trying to prepare for what was about to happen next. "Do you want a drink or something? I've got beer. Or water, or juice."
Tim stared at her for a moment, then shook his head. "This won't take long." She swallowed- mostly her feelings, but also whatever words she had been about to say. "You threw me off earlier. And I…didn't handle it well." That wasn't true. But Lucy didn't bother arguing the point. She wanted this whole thing over as soon as possible so she could go to her room and cry. "So I want to try again, if that's okay."
Lucy blinked, head spinning as she tried to process. "What?"
Tim pulled in a breath. His hands settled awkwardly at his side looking for a duty belt that wasn't there, before sliding into his front pockets. "Look, I'm just gonna put it out there- what I think today was. And if I'm wrong we never have to mention it again. Deal?" And even though she wasn't sure what she was agreeing to, Lucy nodded. "Good. Okay. Here it is: I think you have feelings for me- romantic feelings. I think the idea of me and Ashley together bothers you and you weren't expecting it to. I think maybe you didn't even realize you had feelings for me until I started dating Ashley. Am I…on the right track?"
Lucy wrapped her arms around herself, protectively. She bit her bottom lip as she avoided looking anywhere near Tim. She didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say anything, honestly. She had been feeling so off and so confused about her feelings for Tim, recently. But she hadn't wanted to admit the obvious. And when she hadn't been able to deny her own feelings anymore, she'd tried so hard not to let Tim see them. But one question- one stupid conversation that never should have happened- made all her trying pointless.
"If I'm wrong, Lucy-" She shook her head, chancing a quick glance at Tim to gauge his reaction. He seemed... She didn't know what he seemed. Tears were forming at the corners of her eyes and she really wished that he would just let her down, already. She wanted him to leave. "Do you remember that prank you pulled? In the shop, your last day as a rookie?"
"Tim-"
"I was going to turn you down." Her eyes fell closed at that. She knew, of course she knew, but it still hurt to hear him say the words. She needed this to end. Taking in a shaky breath Lucy nodded for Tim to continue, bracing herself for whatever came out of his mouth next. "I was going to turn you down because the shop cams were running. But I was going to find you after shift. After you were no longer my rookie."
Lucy's head shot up, vision slightly blurred from the tears she was trying to blink back. "What?"
Tim shook his head, suddenly unsure. "But then you laughed. You laughed and I realized it was a joke. So I didn't find you after shift because-" he shrugged lightly. "-there was no point. You didn't feel the way you'd said. And even if I did, I wasn't gonna put that you. I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up- I wouldn't even let myself think about us that way. And I didn't- until that night after Jackson."
"Me, too," Lucy murmured.
Tim nodded, blue eyes heavy with emotion. "Things were harder after that. But then I met Ashley." Lucy winced, and immediately wished she hadn't. "She was nice and beautiful and fun. And more importantly, she wasn't you. She was someone I could actually be with- someone who wanted to be with me. She was so different from you in almost every way. I didn't ask her out to get over you." And Lucy knew that. Tim would never use someone that way. "But I did want to find someone who could be important to me."
"And she is," Lucy sighed. "And you deserve that. You do. And if I made you think that you don't, then I'm sorry." The tears she'd been holding back finally fell. Because this hurt. Knowing what she could have had- knowing that her own pride is what cost her a chance with this man… it hurt. "I was out of line, today. And I let my feelings push me to be someone I don't want to be. So I'm sorry."
"Lucy-"
"And if you need to get a new aide, I understand. If you don't want to see me outside of work, I get it. I don't want to make things awkward for you. I missed my chance and that's no one's fault but mine. You're with Ashley and I respect that. You're happy and that's all that matters. So don't worry, I won't make things weird, I promise."
Tim stared at her for a long moment after she stopped talking. Long enough that Lucy had to look away. She started going over what she'd said to see if it'd been anything she shouldn't have. She didn't think so. But today had not been good for her, and her emotions were all over the place, so… She glanced up at Tim again, then did an immediate double-take. Because he was smiling. At her. And it was the softest she had ever seen him look at anyone. "Lucy…" She glanced to the side as if there was another Lucy he might be talking to. But there wasn't. "I broke up with Ashley two days ago. "
She stared, wide-eyed and stunned, trying to make sense of what she'd just heard. He broke up with Ashley. He broke up with Ashley. He broke up with Ashley. But even repeating it back to herself, Lucy wasn't sure she believed it. "You did what?" Tim's smile widened the smallest bit. "Why? What happened? Are you okay?"
Tim nodded. "I'm fine. We both wanted very different things in life. It was time." Lucy nodded, still slightly dazed, her eyes dropping to stare at the space between her socked feet. "There was also the fact that despite my best efforts, the feelings I have for you don't seem to be going anywhere. Ashley didn't deserve that- being second to another woman in her own relationship." Lucy nodded.- because she didn't know how else to respond to anything Tim had just said. "Anyway, I said everything I came to say. And you- I think we both have a lot to think about. I'll see you tomorrow?" She nodded again, not even having the energy or mental capacity to try and get him to stay. She watched as Tim moved towards the door. He pulled it open, giving her one more smile. "Night, Lucy."
She moved to the door on autopilot. "Night, Tim." Then he was walking out the door and she was closing it behind him, wondering what the hell had just happened. She didn't know. And, honestly, she was too emotionally drained to figure it out right then. Turning around, Lucy leaned her back against the door with a sigh. Her mind was running in circles too fast for her to hold onto any one thought. So she didn't try. She glanced back towards the wine glass on the coffee table. And, boy could she use a drink. But when she started moving, her feet carried her to her bedroom instead.
Tim was right- she had a lot to think about.
It took five days for Lucy to find the courage to bring up that night.
They decided to meet at his place after shift to talk and Lucy had never felt more nervous than she as she walked up to Tim's front door. She heard the lock turning before she'd even raised her hand to knock. But even with the warning, she still wasn't prepared when Tim opened the door. He waved her inside, closing the door and locking it behind her. Lucy slipped off her shoes and made her way inside. Her eyes automatically went to the sofa she'd almost slept on the night Jackson died. She took in a deep breath, her body heating as she remembered the feeling of Tim's arms around her.
"Want something to drink?" The question snapped Lucy out of her distracting memories. She shook her head. "You can have a seat." She glanced at the sofa again, then walked over and sat down. Tim followed suit, taking the other end, leaving a respectable amount of space between them. He held eye contact, his attention fully on Lucy, and gestured for her to begin.
"I want to be with you," she blurted, eyes going wide at her absolute lack of filter. "I mean-"
Tim help up his hand to stop her and she fell silent. "I want to be with you, too." Lucy blinked, surprised even though she probably shouldn't have been. He had broken up with his girlfriend because he had feeling for her. But still, it was a shock to hear it laid out plain like that. "But I want to do this right. I don't want to jump into a relationship right out of another one. You aren't a rebound." Lucy nodded because, yeah, that made sense. "And there are going to be people who have opinions at work. Opinions that will hurt you more than, me."
"I know." And she did. Bishop's words had stuck with her. "But I'd like to think I've proven myself to be a more than capable cop by now."
Tim nodded, a proud smile creeping over his features. "You have. And anyone who has been paying attention knows that." Lucy sat a little taller, her cheeks warming slightly at the praise. "There's also disclosure paperwork, and you won't be my aide anymore. You'll be able to test for other departments soon. We could wait, feel this thing between us out, before making anything official at work."
"No," Lucy said, mind picturing all the things she wanted to do with Tim. She didn't want to have to hide that just because they were at the precinct. She wasn't one for a lot of PDA, but she did want to hand his hand during their lunch break. And the fact that she was already thinking about things like that let her know how completely in this she was. "I want everything out in the open. I don't want to hide."
"Okay."
"But I do agree about taking some time. You and Ashley were pretty serious. And you should have a chance to work through that." Tim nodded, that soft smile from the other night back on his face. She kind of loved it. She kind of wanted to see it all the time. "I know I just said we should take some time, but-" She bit her lip, suddenly nervous about what she was about to ask.
"But…" he prompted.
Lucy took in the man beside her. She trusted him with so much of herself. She trusted him in ways that she had never imagined possible before. And she knew that she wanted to be with him as soon as possible for as long as possible. The nerves she'd been feeling just seconds ago were gone. It was Tim- she didn't have to be nervous with him. She felt her lips curve up into a confident grin. "Can I kiss you? I just- I really want to kiss you." His blue eyes turned a shade darker, his smile just a bit cocky, and Lucy felt her heart beat a bit faster. Tim nodded and Lucy wasted no time closing the distance between them.
They ended the night in Tim's bed- naked, satisfied, and happy.
