Chapter 3: Incalculable Losses
"Young Midoriya." Izuku's eyes fluttered open to be greeted by the stoic face of his mentor. The dimming afternoon light from the window shown behind his teacher's thin form, casting his face in a slight shadow. His blue eyes radiated concern as they gazed tenderly down at Izuku.
"A-All Might?" Izuku said trying to sit up in his bed.
"Hold on there my boy," All Might said as he placed a hand on Izuku's chest. "Remember, you're still healing." He patted Izuku twice on the chest before retracting his hand.
"Oh, right." Izuku looked down at his hands no longer covered in casts. New scars covered his hands from the ends of his fingers all the way down to his elbows.
Gosh, had I really been that hurt. Man, the scars are even in a fractal pattern, I wonder if that had something to do with Shigaraki's decay quirk? Wait, his quirk!
"All Might, how did I survive? All for o… Shigaraki… He got me right? That's why my arms…" Izuku trailed off lifting his arms as if to give evidence for his assumptions. All Might removed his hand from Izuku's chest and placed it on his brow with a sigh, obscuring his eyes from Izuku's gaze.
"That is… A long story"
"Well I-I have t-time, right? It's not like I'm g-going anywhere?" Izuku flashed a weak smile.
"I suppose that's true. And, of course, you do have a right to know." All might paused. Conflict wared across his face before he finally continued seeming to form some resolution with his internal struggle. "I'll tell you but I need you to agree to one thing before we have this conversation." All might stared at him intently.
"what?" Izuku clutched at his bedsheets drawing them closer to his chest.
"You are still recovering which means your body is still in an extremely fragile state. While we think you are out of the worst danger, we are still concerned that you could activate your quirk and lose control given the wrong emotional stimuli. You have to agree to let me sedate you if I notice you beginning to lose control of your emotions? This would go for me or any other individual who speaks to you. We just can't risk you getting hurt again right now. Your body can't take it. Do you agree?" All Might stared at him, gaze unwavering.
That… that makes sense. I don't like this feeling of darkness and the dreamlessness… but... I have to know.
"Yes… Yes All Might, I agree." Izuku stated, a glint of determination flashing across his emerald green eyes.
"Ok, well, where to start then…. I guess I'll just go over what I know. Now, I don't have the full story, for that you will need to talk to young Bakugo. He was the only sur…" All might caught himself on that particular word and quickly changed phrases. "witness… to your final fight with Shigaraki."
Kacchan? Wait, what do you mean by… Izuku's trailing thoughts were cut off as his mentor continued.
"From what I understand the two of you made quite the team. Young Bakugo seemed reluctant to admit it, but he gave you quite a bit of praise for how strongly you fought against the… the enemy."
Izuku fought back tears at the thought. Kacchan? Praise? But, no, that can't be right. Kacchan is so awesome… I'm not… I… even with All Might's… no, my quirk I couldn't compare to him. Did he really think I did well?
His teacher continued, "Bakugo said that by the time that he had dealt with the 5 duplicates who were attacking him and… well, by the time he had defeated them, he said that you had already dealt with all the rest of the enemy but the prime Shigaraki. Now, I'm not entirely clear on what transpired next, but Bakugo said that Shigaraki grabbed you by the arm and activated his quirk as he reached for your face as well. Apparently at some point prior to this altercation, Shigaraki had attempted to harm young Bakugo himself and you threw yourself in front of him which is how you ended up in the situation you did. You began to, well, for lack of better way to put it. Decay."
Izuku shuddered, unsure if the feelings he had were memories or just manifestations of his tired mind, twisting his subconscious in an attempt to torment him.
"Shigaraki… well," his mentor continued," we don't exactly know what happened. Young Bakugo claimed that before he could do anything, that monster began to scream and crumble before the two of you. Bakugo did the only thing he could think of in the moment. He used his quirk to blow that bastard's hand off of your wrist trying to break whatever control he still had over his quirk as he died."
"He… he saved me?" Izuku said as both matter of fact and as a question at the same time.
"Yes, his quick action kept his quirk from taking a full hold on you and saved your life. It didn't stop the decay completely, but it slowed it down enough for him to get you to recovery girl. And, well, after that you were in and out of surgeries constantly for the next few days and… and well, as of now, that was two months ago."
All Might's last sentence hung in the air like a used piñata swaying back and forth.
Two months…. Two months? No, no that can't be right. Wait, if it's been two months, shouldn't the others have visited at some point? It sounds like I was hurt the worst, so if I'm doing better, surely they must be ok by now right?
"All Might… Are my friends. Where…" Izuku's pertinent question was cut off by door of his room opening quickly.
"Principal Yagi," A female voice carried into the room. "You are needed in your office. The PM is on the line and he has several questions for you regarding… well, the state of things. He wants an update." Rather than leaving the way she came, the woman clad in a dark black suit with shoulder length straight black hair simply stood in the door way, a clipboard clutched against her chest.
All Might stood and returned his wooden chair to its place by the wall with a soft scraping sound.
"I'm sorry Midoriya but I have to take this…. I… I'll be back by later tonight so we can continue our conversation." All Might turned to leave, patting the green ruffles of Izuku's head as stepped away.
"Wait," Izuku called out, voice shaky. "What did she mean by that? Principal?"
"Yes," his teacher sad, not turning to face his student. Izuku stared at the back of his mentor, his idol. All Might slouched and raised a hand to his face. "Nezu... He…. He didn't make it." All might struggled through the sentence with a sniff and quickly made his way out of the room door clicking closed behind him. Izuku was alone again.
Every memory that Izuku had of bear, rat, mouse that was UA's former principal flooded into his mind at once. A twenty-pound weight crushed his chest forcing him into short, shallow breaths as he tried his hardest to control his emotions. Eyes shut, face contorted in grief, Izuku lay on his bed and softly cried as scenes filled his head. The principal jumping out of Aizawa's scarf trying to scare unsuspecting students. His maniacal laughter as crashed his wrecking ball into ground gamma during the final exams. The principal's joy whenever a student surprised him with ingenuity. Never again. He would never see any of that again.
G-goodbye principal…
Several minutes passed and Izuku managed to calm down a bit in his grief. The weight still pressed firmly down on his chest, but he was able to stop crying. If only for a moment. The room was quite save for the occasional sniff or hiccup the green haired teen was unable to quell.
Izuku didn't know how long he sat there in silence counting the ceiling tiles in the darkening room. 435 tiles, and at least two... No, three of them need to be replaced. Izuku was just about to count them again for the hell of it when the door to his room open abruptly, the sudden motion turning back on the light which had shut off on its own since All Might had left earlier that morning..? Afternoon? Earlier that.. well, honestly he couldn't even say day. Time had lost all meaning to him.
Familiar hair popped into his vision. Spikey blond hair. Red piercing eyes. And… yep, there it is, a scowl which could sour milk. Kacchan.
Izuku smiled instinctually as he sat up a little in bed to greet his friend. Kacchan crossed the room quickly, dragged over the chair with a loud noise as he sat gruffly on the chair. He sat with his chest against the back rest of the chair, resting his chin on his crossed arms atop the back of the chair.
Kacchan stared in silence for several moments, eyes gazing down at the side of Izuku's bed.
"Kacchan?" Izuku broke the silence, green eyes finally meeting red if only for a second as they darted up towards him and then back down to the edge of the bed.
"Hey nerd" Katsuki said dejectedly, voice lacking its usual bite.
"Are you doing ok?" Izuku tilted his head to the side slightly, green curls falling in front of his eyes as they shifted on his head.
"Am I...? Deku, you fucking idiot. Leave it to you to fucking worry about someone else while you're knocking on fucking death's door."
"I'm not that hurt!" Izuku hesitated, "Anymore…" He finished. "All Might said I was doing much better."
"Yeah… Well... You fuckin weren't!" He spat, a hint of his usual bite edging into his voice. He paused for a moment, clenching his fists till they begun to turn white at the knuckles.
"For a long time." Katsuki trailed off, voice quitter, still refusing to meet Izuku's gaze.
"S-so…. Principal Yagi?" Izuku fumbled his thumbs together.
"Yeah, the bastard took over after the rat bit it."
"KACCHAN!" Izuku glared at him furiously. "Why would you say it that way? He was our principal. He was a hero."
"Yeah, well, I didn't know him personally," he paused for a moment. "Anyway," his voice lowered slightly, "there's been a lot on everyone's plate right now so it's not like his death was top of my priority list. Still sucks though, seemed like a nice guy… rat… bear... thing?" Katsuki trailed off leaving the room in silence again.
"I… uh… How d-did he…?" Izuku asked, struggling to form the question.
"Oh, I'm not actually sure. I think it had to do with the explosion over at Shiketsu? He was over there trying to help reinforce their defenses or somethin."
"Explosion? Wait, was anyone else hurt? Did... Did anybody else Die?" Izuku's voice trembled as he hoped beyond hope that Kacchan would tell him 'no' and that the former principal had been the only casualty but he knew in his heart that wasn't going to happen. Before he had opened his mouth, Izuku already knew from the way Kacchan's shoulders dipped that there had been more casualties.
"It… It was a quirk bomb Deku. Some fucking asshole snuck into the school with the refugees and blew his own ass up. It… It took out half the city."
Izuku's heart rate increased, tears begun to flow freely from his eyes but he managed to keep his composure. He knew what Kacchan must have been instructed to do if he lost it. He couldn't go back to that darkness. Not now that he knew it was filled with ghosts.
"How many?" Izuku stuttered.
"Don't know… lots?" Kacchan shrugged burying his face in the crooks of his arms. "They're still doing search and rescue." Kacchan mumbled. "Can... Can we please talk about something else? This is depressing as hell." Kacchan asked raising his head slightly, a single red eye finally meeting Izuku's gaze through the tangle of hair which had now begun to fall down over Katsuki's face.
"Uh…. Sure…" Izuku hesitated, he wanted to push Kacchan for more information but at the same time he could clearly see that the conversation made him uncomfortable… It scared Izuku because of how unlike Kacchan he was in that moment. He seemed sad. He even seemed… scared?
"Umm. How is everyone doing? I know I've seen you, Kirishima, and Yaomomo but I haven't seen anyone else. I must have been asleep when they stopped by. How's Uraraka, Mina, and Ida and the others from my team from the fight?" Izuku smiled warmly and Kacchan, eager to hear about his friends.
"Pass"
"W-what do you mean pass?" Izuku's smile faltered.
"I mean, pick a different topic nerd." Katsuki lifted his head up from his arms and glanced back at the door. He looked as if in that moment he was wiping something off of his face.
"Kacchan…"
"I said fucking pass. Pick a different damn topic or I'm gonna fucking leave" Kacchan hissed, still looking away from Izuku.
"Are they hurt?" Izuku asked, his voice trailing into a higher pitch as concern welled throughout him.
Silence.
"Kacchan. Are they ok?" Izuku repeated again forcefully enunciating each word.
Silence.
Izuku made to get up out of bed but was quickly stopped by a firm arm pressing down across my chest.
"Let me up! I want to go see my friends" Izuku cried as he struggled against his friends arm which firmly rooted him to the bed.
"You can't... They… they aren't here. You…. You need to sit back down"
"What do you mean they aren't here?! If they're hurt or something they'd be in the infirmary, right? Where. Are. They." Anger and fear flared to life in Izuku as he tried his hardest to shut out his mind in that moment. He couldn't risk what would happen if he allowed his thoughts to wander out of that exact moment.
Katsuki let out a sigh, and turned to meet Izuku's watery gaze.
"Racoon eyes is in a coma…. She has been out since the attack. She's alive but she won't wake up. They have her under observation over at Musutafu General. Four Eyes… we don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? Where is he?"
"Missing"
"Missing?" Izuku's voice cracked. "What do you mean missing? He was there with us. He. He shouldn't have been much farther away from wherever Mina…. What happened?"
"Deku… Look… there are. A lot of people are unaccounted for after that night. Some of them are just in hospitals across the state and we just haven't been able to track them down yet. I'm sure that's what happened to four eyes… he… he's probably ok." Kacchan struggled a halfhearted attempt at a smile which ended up just looking like his usual scowl. Izuku could tell the difference though and the attempt from his friend to act comforting warmed his heart.
"And Ochaco?" Izuku asked, heart clinging to the hope that his friend gave him moments before.
"Why don't you get some rest… This has all been a lot and I think you should get some rest". Kacchan said defensively, standing up and making to put the chair back against the wall. Izuku's hope crumbled instantly.
"Kacchan what happened to Uraraka?! Izuku pressed harder.
"Please get some rest…." Kacchan's arms dangled by his sides, hands clenching and unclenching. His head bowed staring intently at his shoes. "Please" he whispered.
"WHERE IS SHE!" Izuku snapped, fear taking the helm of his demeanor and throwing what little control he had in the situation overboard into the sea of his tormented emotions.
"Dead!" Kacchan shouted in response, small explosions going off in his hands. "She's dead Deku. She Fucking Died."
"YOU'RE LYING!" Izuku screamed as he made to get up again. He was stopped by both of Kacchan's arms pressing him firmly down into the bed as he thrashed against his restraints.
"I wish I was Deku. I was there… She…. She died in my arms." Kacchan said with a sob, tears beginning to well in the corner of his eyes.
"NOOOOOO!" Izuku begun to thrash, quirk activating and then deactivating in an erratic fashion. Bakugo took one arm off of Izuku's shoulder for a split second and smashed it into the button on the side of the bed with a resonating crack. A resounding beep signaled that the sedative begun to flood into Izuku's bloodstream. His screams turned into cries and finally into soft sobs as the sedative took effect and Izuku succumbed once again to the darkness.
Something shifted in the blackness on the edge of consciousness.
Fuck! Back to the loading screen I guess.
Katsuki stood by Deku's bedside for several moments before he turned to leave. He wanted to make sure that the fucker was actually out and wasn't going to hurt himself by accident or anything. He stepped out of Deku's room in the infirmary and closed the door with a soft click. Even though he knew that Deku was under with some powerful stuff, he wasn't taking any chances and made sure that he was quiet.
"Well that went well," Aizawa's gruff voice called out from behind him. Katsuki turned to face his teacher finding him sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, deep bags under his eyes. God does this guy ever sleep?
"You look like shit." Katsuki said as he crossed the room and sat in a chair facing his teacher.
"Look at yourself in a mirror recently?" Aizawa raised his eyebrow. "You're not doing too hot yourself either." Aizawa lifted a steaming cup that smelled of coffee and took a long sip.
"We have to tell him," Katsuki said, "He keeps asking fucking questions and he's going to fucking find out eventually… I... I had to tell him about Round Face." Katsuki's eyes darted to his lap as he addressed his teacher.
"I heard." He took a sip. "Well, actually, half the building probably heard that... If there was anyone there to hear it I guess… I had to practically drag Recovery Girl back into her office to keep her from barging into there." He took another sip of his coffee.
"Use your quirk, restrain him, do whatever the fuck you need to do. We just gotta break it to him quickly like ripping off a fucking band aid. I can't keep doing this whole limbo shit. I've got enough fucking shit of my own to deal with without having to worry about the fucking nuclear-powered cinnamon roll in there teetering on the edge of an emotional fucking breakdown every five god damn minutes!" Katsuki placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes, blocking out the sight of his teacher. God, Aizawa was right, he needed sleep.
"I'm sorry about your father Bakugo. I only heard yesterday." Aizawa's voice sounded warm and calm. "If you ever need anyone to…"
"Fuck off and Die" Katsuki hissed. Who was he to meddle in his own damn personal shit.
"Like I said," Aizawa continued unphased. "I'm here for you, both of you, if you ever need anything or want to talk. Go get some sleep problem child. I'll watch the… Cinnamon roll… till All Might gets back."
"Whatever." Katsuki sighed pushing his hands on his knees as he stood up, a pain flared in his lower back. "Fucking hell" He exclaimed as grabbed at his back.
"Ah, is your back still giving you problems? The surgery should have fixed everything major. Go see Recovery Girl on your way back to the dorms."
"I'll do what I fucking wan…" The pain flared again. "Fuck... Damnit, fine." He mumbled defeated as he slowly made for Recovery Girl's office. He couldn't hide the concern creeping onto his face. Aizawa was right… This should have been fixed by now. Sure, he had shattered the lower several vertebrae in his spine and then proceeded to fly across half of Japan. But Recovery Girl said she had repaired it. God Damn I'm so tired of this shit.
Katsuki wanted to beat the shit out of past him for thinking that he was tired. That asshole didn't know the meaning of the word. Recovery Girl's healing had drained him to his very core.
Fuck you earlier me for thinking that you had the right to complain.
Half an hour after leaving Recovery Girl's office, Katsuki dragged himself into the dorm room. He steadied himself against the wall of the elevator, soft music playing as it climbed up to 1A's floor. Moments later the door opened with a soft ding, light fanning out dimly illuminating the near pitch-black common room.
Damn, I know practically no one is here but would it fucking kill shitty hair to leave a light on or something?
Katsuki cautiously navigated through the dark room, up the stairs, and down the dimly lit hall which lead to his room. Just before he reached his door heard a sound behind the door on his right and froze.
God damnit, shitty hair is crying again…. Katsuki raised his hand to knock on his friend's door but stopped. Fuck, I can't. I just can't. I don't have the bandwidth to talk to anyone else right now. I'll fucking find him in the morning or something. Right now, I just need sleep.
He shook his head and lowered his hand with a sigh as he continued down the hall to the next door on the right. His room. Fuck, it was pretty much all he had left at this point since his dad had died and his mother broke down.
He opened the door and stepped into his room, the floor softly illuminated by a series of lights that he had installed when he moved in. He had worked too fucking hard to get to where he was in life to let something as silly as tripping over something in the dark take away his chances at being number one.
He crossed the room quickly as the door closed of its own accord clicking and locking automatically. Without undressing he flopped down onto the bed above the covers and quickly drifted away into a deep sleep. It would have been a restful sleep too if not for the dreams. The incessant dreams which plagued his sleep every night for the last two months.
