Love will tear us apart

There were things she wished she could talk to him about. Like how lonely she felt. Or how scared she was. Ever since the Lewis events, Olivia had been struggling. She had felt betrayed the moment she heard about Elliot's departure. Twelve years of partnership, of friendship that has just been given up on without a word. Olivia tried for weeks to just give him time and space, let him breathe without her intervention. But when he did not call, did not message and did not show up again, she slowly realised he was gone for good. It was real. He had left her.

After the realisation that her "best friend" had abandoned her without a word, she decided to pretend to be fine. She felt ashamed to admit that his sudden, unexplained departure was torture to her mind. She did not want to admit it was bringing her pain. She drowned herself in cases, kept her mind constantly busy. Early morning run, late night house cleaning, days off spent out of her home where the thoughts were consuming her.

Time passed, and if she did try for a short period of time to contact Elliot, she quickly gave up when she was always felt unanswered.
When Lewis happened, it felt like the world was finishing to open under her feet. She could not control the darkness anymore. El was gone, and no one could ever understand what Lewis did to her. She did not want to explain either.

That Monday, Olivia woke up from a short night, her vivid dreams making it hard to find any rest.

- I can't do this anymore… She whispered to herself as she got out of bed.

She sighed as she checked the time. Three hours of sleep. Fantastic.

She walked slowly to the kitchen and made herself some coffee. She was going to need it for the day. She grabbed the cup and sat at her table. The silence was deafening. She looked at the warm coffee, and pushed the cup away. She did not even feel interested in it anymore. She had been on leave for a couple of days now, ever since she realised she could not even focus on any task anymore. Nothing was appealing to her. No coffee, no food, no work case, nothing. She emptied her cup in the sink before she let herself fall into her couch.

- What am I doing… She whispered again.

She looked around the apartment with disgust. She hated it here. Too many memories were stuck between these walls. She was going to lay down when knocks on her door stopped her.

She quietly stood up and walked to her door, careful not to make any noise. She wasn't in the mood for conversation. She did not want visitors today. She checked who was behind the door and stepped away from the door abruptly.

- No no no… This is not true Olivia. You're hallucinating.

She grabbed her hair, unsure what was happening to her.

- Liv ?

She would recognise this voice anywhere.

The knocks started again. She stared at the door, unable to move. She refused to believe he was there, behind the door after all this time. The knocks stopped and she slowly stepped forward, wanting to check if he had left. But he was standing there, waiting.

- Liv ? Please open the door.

She could not believe this. He was there, behind her door, calling her name as if he had never left. What right did he think he had ? Showing up like this, out of nowhere ? Olivia grabbed her head.

- What is happening to me ? She asked herself.

She felt desperate. If Elliot was behind the door, maybe Lewis will soon show up too. She started to panic.

- No. No. This cannot be happening.

She ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She did not want to face Ghost Elliot. She couldn't. She couldn't face anyone. Things had been terrible ever since he left.

Olivia started searching frantically in the bathroom. It had to end. Today. All of this. The pain, the memories, the hallucinations… All of it. She grabbed the tablets she had in her pharmacy and popped handfuls of them in her mouth. There's no going back. She thought as the tears ran down her cheeks. Soon she ran out of tablets. She made her way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey. I need a glass. As she opened the bottle and drank from it, she realised there was no sound of Elliot anymore. She looked through the peephole. Nothing.

- Oh no…

She started to panic even more. She made him runaway. Him. Or his ghost. He left. Again. But I wanted him gone. No I don't. I need him. I need El. But I can't see him. I can't face him. But he's gone. He was never there. I just hallucinate.

She couldn't keep up with her own thoughts. Everything was overwhelming. The pills started to affect her but she wanted to be sure this was all about to end. In another effort, she grabbed her biggest kitchen knife. She did not even think before she cut her wrists. Blood immediately started running out, falling on the floor, creating a small puddle that she knew would get bigger and bigger. She looked up, as if some sort of miracle would occur. Take all her nightmares and demons away. Make Lewis only a bad dream. Bring her back years ago when Elliot was there. Before he let her down. Maybe he would have saved her from herself. Or maybe if he had never left, she would never have met Lewis either. Maybe she would be a totally different woman. A better woman. A better cop. Maybe they would have raised that baby they accidentally made that one night they finally gave in that tension, those pulsions they could both feel for each other. Maybe they would have had a family. She'd come home to him feeding their toddler, making them dinner. She'd kiss him goodbye in the morning, kiss him goodnight in their bed. They'd make passionate love regularly, knowing each other's body by heart. Maybe they'd get married, surrounded by their family and friends. Maybe the twins would stay for the summer holidays and bound with Olivia and Elliot's kid. Maybe they'd even have another child.

She was on the floor, picturing all these beautiful moments she would never get to live. That baby she never got to hold, that relationship she never had, those discussions she'll never have. Her eyes were getting tired, she wanted to close them, but she could hear sudden noise in the apartment.

She heard a voice but could not focus on what it was saying. She could not focus on a thing anymore. It was like she was in pain but wasn't feeling anything at the same time.

Elliot knocked on the door, anxious. He knew he shouldn't be here. Not after all this time and the silence he had created. He had abandoned her and now he was showing up to her door as if nothing ever happened.

He heard what seemed like a voice.

- Liv ? He called.

But was left with no answer. He knocked again.

- Liv ? Please open the door.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he didn't hear her voice and maybe he shouldn't be standing her, behind her door, expecting everything to be the same as they were before he left. He stayed a few more minutes and walked away. As he was leaving, again, he felt the same pain as he did years ago. The pain of betrayal. He couldn't just leave her again. He was there and he was going to explain it all to her. Why he left, where he went, what he did… Everything. And although he was going to hate it, he wanted to hear what she did all these years. When he phoned Fin earlier that day, he had told him that she wasn't married. But what made Elliot show up to her door wasn't her marital status. It was her absence.

Fin had told him about how different, how distant Liv was. How she was faking her smiles, how she seemed to have been slowly breaking down until the day she took leave from work. Fin had tried to talk to her, but nothing worked. She wanted to be alone.

Elliot was almost at the corner of Olivia's street when he realised he couldn't just go. He had to face her and talk to her. She had to listen to what he had to say and then if she wanted him out of her life, then he would leave.

He walked back to Olivia's floor and stood there unsure what he was actually going to start with. He took a deep breath and knocked. But the door did not open. Instead, he heard a loud bang and a terrifying silence following.

Thinking about everything Fin had told him, Elliot decided he'd rather have Olivia hating him for breaking her door than never hear her voice again. Maybe someone was attacking her that exact second.

Not losing any more time, Elliot threw himself on the door. He had to reiterate the action two more times before the lock gave up and the door opened. He quickly took a glance at the room before him and notice that no one was there. Until he took a few steps and noticed her.

She was laying there, in a puddle of her own blood, the wrists cut open. There was a bottle of whiskey laying there too, right next to the kitchen knife Elliot suspected she'd use to cut herself.

- Oh god, Liv ! What the hell have you done to yourself ?

He ran to her grabbing her wrists to apply firm pressure.

Her eyes fluttered, unable to focus on what was happening.

- El ? She whispered.

- It's me. I'm here. I'm back.

He grabbed his phone and dialled 911. After making sure that an ambulance was on the way to them, Elliot, still putting pressure on Olivia's cuts, tried to get her to talk to him.

- Why did you do this Liv ?

She did not answer. Instead she smiled as tears ran down her cheeks.

- Liv, talk to me. Please. He pleaded. Why would you hurt yourself ?

- You left. She managed to say.

Elliot felt like he got punched in the face. Love would really tear them apart after all.

- You left me. And she died. And I was all alone.

- She died ?

He had no idea what she was talking about now.

- Who die, Liv ? What happened ?

- Our baby… our baby died.

Now he felt sick.

- What ?

It couldn't be right.

- I was pregnant. She whispered.

- Why did you not tell me Olivia ?

Elliot hated himself. He knew why. He never answered. This was all his fault.

- I called. You did not want me anymore.

She took a minute before she continued.

- We had sex. There was nothing more for you to get so it made sense you wouldn't come back. And then Lewis happened.

Elliot felt jealousy rase inside of him. A jealousy he couldn't justify.

- I'm so tired El.

- Do not give up Liv. I'm here. I won't let you go. Not this time.

Just as he pronounced these words, paramedics rushed into the apartment.

Everything that happened after that was a blur to him. His brain was racing, thinking about everything that had just been said. A baby. He would have had a baby with her. Had he stayed. He didn't even get a chance to explain to her why he had left. She was rushed out of there into the nearest hospital.

Fin met him in the waiting room.

- Did you know ? About the baby.

Fin sighed. Of course he did. Fin was probably the person Olivia was the closest to in the team, second to Elliot.

- Who do you think held her hand when she was hospitalised ?

- Why did you not call me ? Elliot's voice was tainted with anger.

- She did not want to try anymore. She spent so long hoping. She moved on.

Elliot puffed. How could he say that considering the situation they were in today.

- Clearly.

Fin gave him a disapproving look.

- Elliot don't. After Lewis, she wasn't herself.

- Who the fuck is that guy ?

Fin took a deep breath before explaining the Lewis case.

Elliot's face turned completely white.

- Oh god, Liv ! What the hell have you done to yourself ?

Olivia recognised this voice. It was his. Suddenly she felt pressure on her wrists. He was there. He really was back. She hadn't dream it. She wanted to smile, to touch his face once more. She wanted his arms around her, like they once were.

Her eyes fluttered, unable to focus on what was happening.

- El ? She whispered.

- It's me. I'm here. I'm back.

She heard him call an ambulance, but was unable to focus on what he was saying, she could only hear the sound of desperation and fear in his voice.

- Why did you do this Liv ?

Oh she expected this question of course. She hadn't necessarily thought it would be from him. She knew Fin would make her life a living hell if he had found out. She did not answer straight away. Instead, she smiled as tears ran down her cheeks. She forced her eyes to stay open, she wanted to remember this. Remember him. His face, the sound of his voice, the colour of his eyes. She wanted to forget she was about to die, on the floor of her kitchen. All that mattered was that he was there. Finally.

- Liv, talk to me. Please. He pleaded. Why would you hurt yourself ?

- You left. She managed to say.

Elliot's face changed. She could see the pain her answer inflected him. She once wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt her. She wanted him to suffer the same pain. But not anymore. It wasn't worth it.

- You left me. And she died. And I was all alone.

The words just came out of her mouth. He asked. She answered. And she would only answer the truth.

- She died ?

His face revealed his confusion. He probably had no idea what she was talking about now.

- Who die, Liv ? What happened ?

- Our baby… our baby died.

She could see him getting even more confused. Scared.

- What ?

Elliot's voice was only a whispered.

- I was pregnant. She whispered back.

- Why did you not tell me Olivia ?

Was he seriously asking her that ?

- I called. You did not want me anymore.

She took a minute before she continued.

- We had sex. There was nothing more for you to get so it made sense you wouldn't come back. And then Lewis happened.

The pain was getting too much. Somehow, her physical pain was slowly matching her mental pain. She was tired. She was trying to get more time with him. But she knew the time was coming. She could see flashbacks of their first week as partners, the first time meeting his kids, the day she realised the feelings she had for him were way more complicated than she thought, the day they first kissed, the day they conceived their baby girl, Lewis, Alex, Fin, Munch, Cragen, Simon, her mother.

She closed her eyes slowly, wanting to take it all in.

She was still laying there, in her kitchen, her wrists cut open, bleeding out on the tiles. He was there, trying to keep her alive, selfishly not ready to let go. But he should be able to. He left before, she thought. This time, she was the one leaving. Except she wouldn't come back. She had always been one for definitive decisions. If she decided she was out, she was out. The pills were making her brain foggy. She wished she had the energy, the strength to tell him more. To tell him how she missed him. How lost she was. How dark her thoughts had turned and why this was the only way out. She wished she could make sure he would survive her. She wished she could find the strength to tell him how he changed her. How she once looked up to him. How safe she felt around him and how strong was the trust she had in him. But it was all too late.

She had been fighting against herself for so long now. And while there was so much left to say, there was nothing to tell.

There was no letter hidden somewhere, no video recorded in a phone for him to get an explanation from. What she would be willing to say, what she was able to say right there and then, was all he would ever get from her. She almost chuckled as she realised how pathetic this all was. She had forgiven him the second she realised he really was back. The second his hand touched her. All these years of pain, of promising herself she would never forgive him for this, and a simple touch made it all go away.

She looked at him once more, wanting his face to be the last she would see.

- I'm so tired El.

- Do not give up Liv. I'm here. I won't let you go. Not this time.

Just as he pronounced these words, paramedics rushed into the apartment. But she was letting go. She was ready. She stopped fighting. She felt the relief of not having to fight anymore, of not feeling such a pain ever again. But deep down, she wanted to feel his arms again. She felt his touch linger on her hand. He wasn't ready to let go just yet. But he had to. He had a family to care for. What did she have ? Nothing. Once he would leave again, she would be all alone with herself. She would open her eyes at hospital, and have to face them all. But not him. He would leave her beforehand, and she would have to do it all again. Either survive the darkness or finally successfully kill herself. What good would she bring the world if she was completely dead inside anyway ? How could she ever help a soul if hers was tainted in black, with no space left for light ? How could she ever open her arms for anything else but death when her skin was covered in the trace of her daily fights with herself and her attempts to finally bring it to an end ? She could not. It was time. Finally.

Elliot sat a chair of the waiting room, still nauseous from listening to Fin's explanation. To say Elliot had regrets was an understatement.

He desperately wanted to run to find her, and beg her to fight. For him. For them to finally have a chance. To tell her he will always be there, that she won't ever need to fight alone. At this thought, he saw Fin stand up and realised the doctor was calling for him.

- Do we have any update on Olivia Benson ?

- Sir, I am very sorry. We did everything we could but we couldn't bring her back. She died fifteen minutes ago. Is there any family we should call ?

Fin saw Elliot step back, shocked, speechless. He took over the discussion.

Elliot stood there for a while, lost. He felt his world switch to a world where Olivia didn't exist anymore.

The sun was shinning outside, the weather was beautiful, people were laughing down the hall, a nurse was smiling she walked passed him, women were giving birth a few floors above them, people were going to work, they were doing their groceries, making love, breaking up, making up, getting engaged, getting married, they were falling asleep, waking up… But Olivia wouldn't. She wouldn't feel the sun on her skin again. She wouldn't laugh at his stupid jokes or walk into work again. She wouldn't make love to him, right after he would have finally told her how much he loved her. She wouldn't say "yes" when he'd ask her to marry him because there was nobody else for him but her. She was everything he would ever need in his life. She would never open her eyes again.

It almost felt like only him was feeling this gut-wrenching grief. How could she pass away and the world keep on going ? How could anyone think this was a beautiful day when he had lost her before having a chance to fix things ?

He was still standing there, staring into space. He came back too late and now she was gone. He heard Fin's voice but couldn't decipher what he was telling him. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing would ever make sense.

He stood next to her, grabbing her cold white hand in his. He had so many thing he had wanted to tell her. Why he left, what he had been doing, how she was constantly on his mind. Her voice all he could hear in his dreams. The feeling of her soft skin was all he dreamt off during the day. All he dreamt off was about her. A big house with her. His kids reunited with her around a big table on Christmas day. A family with her. Working with her again. Making love to her. But all he could manage to say was :

- I love you Olivia.

He barely recognised his own voice as the words came out of his mouth. His tears silently rolled down his cheeks. He knew she would hate to hear his lamentations. She would hate to see him so miserable over her. But there was no other way to feel. He had lost any chance to making it up to her for all this time of pain. Now she was laying dead on a hospital bed. And soon, he would have to walk out of there, knowing she was not going home with him. Ever again.

Her funerals had been beautiful. They had decided to keep it small, with only her closest friends. Elliot's kids has insisted on showing up too. After all, before their sudden move, they had all been very close to her for years.

While lot of questions were left unanswered, Elliot felt like he did not need to know more. It was too late anyway.

He was the last one standing in the cemetery. Holding her badge firmly in his hand, he looked once more at the name on the stone. He sighed, gulping back the tears. It was time. Time to leave. He couldn't bring himself to let go. He had let go of her so many times now. He had said goodbye to her body at hospital when the ME came to take her away. He had kissed her cheek one last time and watch her being taken away from him.

He knew he would come back to her grave. Maybe daily. But leaving her there, alone, brought a new pain to him. He slowly stepped away, noticing the sunset, the cool wind blowing around him. He closed his black coat, still holding her badge in his hand. He took a look at it and couldn't help but smile. No matter where he'd be, she'd be too.