He remembered a time, he supposed, when he didn't feel like absolute crap. When he was happy and normal. Gods what he would give to be normal again.
Nowadays all he could do was play and replay events in his head. How he should've said something else, and how that look his friend gave him wasn't concern, but judgment.
Then there were the darker thoughts. About how he should've saved them. All the people he let down. Beckendorf, Selina, Zoe, Bianca, and countless others. Maybe if he was stonger, if he wasn't as stupid and completely and utterly useless he could've…
For what felt like the millionth time Percy cried. He just couldn't keep it in anymore. All the pain and self resentment. Wrapping the blanket around him tighter he thought about Annabeth. Immense guilt consumed him every time he thought about her. She probably hated him.
For the past week Percy has locked himself in his room, refusing to come out. People have stopped by countless times, but mostly Annabeth. She'd say things like, " Percy I don't know what's going on with you but we'll get through it, together. Like we always do. Just please let me in seaweed brain."
Each time Percy would come up with some lie, "I'm just super tired," "I know, I'm sorry, I'm just working on summer homework," until it turned into silence. He ignored people who tried talking to him until they got the hint and left. It just became too much work to come up with an excuse. And one of those excuses wasn't actually a lie. He was tired. Unbearably tired. Of everything.
Percy's dreams were a blurry rush. People who were dead taunted him, telling him he could've done better. He could've saved them. And also, his friends, telling him he was useless and how they hated him.
These dreams were normal for Percy to get, yet it still scared him senseless each time. Because he knew, and didn't hide from himself, that it was true. Everything they said was right. He should've done more. They were actual people with actual lives who died...for no reason. And he was also aware that he wasn't good enough for his friends, for Annabeth.
Percy untangled himself from the mesh of sheets and blankets. He thought about showering and decided against it. It was just to much work. What he did do, though, was change. He threw his dirty hoodie and replaced it with a cleaner one. It was dark blue and reminded him of Annabeth.
Gods Annabeth. He missed her so much. All he wanted to do was hold her and have her tell him that everything was going to be okay. He's been in his room for six days straight. The aloneness probably wasn't the best for his mental state, but to him it was better.
Then he thought about how he hasn't eaten. Looking in the mirror told him it was pretty obvious, but he pushed that aside. Was he going to do it? Was he going to face the questions of everyone? He knew the answer was yes even before he pushed his trembling hand to the door.
I need my Wisegirl
The sun was brighter than Percy would've liked but he pushed on towards the dinning pavalon. He was pretty sure it was breakfast time, and Annabeth had to be there.
His suspicions were confirmed as he spotted the mess of blonde hair that sat at his table. She looked beautiful sitting there, reading a book. She had that look of concentration she always gets when she's heavily involved in a great story.
Annabeth's sitting at my table. That means she missed me...right?
Doubt clouded his mind as he slowed his pace, but it was to late. Annabeth looked up and she lit up with a wondrous grin. She dashed over to him and tackled him in a hug "Percy!" She breathed.
Just for a moment Percy forgot all his worries, and he felt himself feel more awake, more aware than he had been. And just like that it was over.
Annabeth pulled back from the hug and met his eyes, slapping him on the arm. "What in the Hades is wrong with you?! Do you know how worried I've been? Six days Percy, six days!"
Percy quickly plastered on a smile. " I know wise girl, and I'm sorry. The truth is actually really stupid now that I think about it," she rolled her eyes at him, " I got this really bad flu and I felt bad about telling anyone. I knew you were busy studying for that exam that will boost your chances at Harvard. I just didn't want you or anyone to worry about me."
Annabeth sighed and some worry faded from her face. "What about food? I was worried sick you were starving yourself."
Percy gave his best chuckle and looked her in the eyes so she believed him. "Annabeth you know I always have food stashed everywhere. I had enough in there to last through winter."
She laughed and once again rolled her eyes. " You really are a seaweed brain. Next time just tell me, okay? Worrying about you was worse." He agreed and they sat down for breakfast.
Percy couldn't believe how easily she believed his lie. He was kinda hoping that she'd catch on, that she'd see underneath the mask and realize how much pain he was in. At the same time, though, he didn't want that. He didn't want her to worry about some one as insignificant as, well him.
Subconsciously he rubbed his wrists as more of his friends joined the table. If they found out what he did to himself, what would they think?
Probably that I'm disgusting and weird
He felt his face form into a worried expression and saw Nico looking at him oddly. Percy just smiled in response to him and threw a joke into the conversation. His friends weren't as cheery as usual, but that was fine because neither was he. He hasn't felt cheery since...well it's been a while.
