"What?"
"You won!" Aunty Julie showed Elle a large envelope full of tickets and vouchers.
"Won what? I don't understand." She set the lighter she was using to relight Cam's memorial candle back down on the cubby underneath, hidden behind a photo of David graduating high school in his impressive private boy's school uniform with a regulation haircut and medal for outstanding academic achievement.
"The contest, the West Waratah Star Youth Writing Contest, I saw it being advertised in the paper at the store and I thought your story would just be perfect but I knew you'd never do it yourself so I entered it for you!" She is buzzing with excitement, and Aunty Julie doesn't often show a lot of emotions besides annoyance and smugness. "And they loved it! I always told you that you could be a writer someday if you -"
"That's why you wanted my story? To enter it in a competition without telling me?"
"Well, yes but you -"
"My story? That I wrote? My private story? Aunty Julie, how could you?" Elle demanded, as the weight of what has happened finally sunk in, "That was mine! It wasn't meant for anyone else to read if I didn't tell them that they could!"
"What're you two arguing about?" Wondered Dad, entering the room. He was leaning heavily on his cane, frowning at the disagreement. "I can hear you upstairs, I'm trying to have a business call."
"Aunty Julie submitted my story to a competition without telling me!" She exclaimed, expecting him to be as outraged as she was. He looked at Julie, who showed him the folder.
"She won." Julie said, "They loved it, they want her to write another instalment -"
"There is no other instalment! It was my story that I wrote for myself! Not for them, not for you, not for anyone!"
"Darling, Julie should have asked you first, but…You won." Dad said, "You have talent and skill."
"That's not the point! It wasn't hers, it was mine!"
"Yes, but Elle, you won. Cam would be so proud of you."
"I didn't even ask to enter, why do I care if I won?" She demanded, before looking at the top shelf and grabbing Cameron's ashes in both hands. "Neither of you get it."
"Sweetheart -" Began Dad,
"Honey-" Began Aunty Julie. But Elle didn't care to listen.
"I don't know why I would expect either of you to get it." She said, spitefully, "You're just a washed-up business man who can't keep it in his pants and an unstable bitch who has to raise her brothers kids 'cause she screwed it up with hers."
"Elle!" Dad exclaimed, "You do not talk to people like that, especially not your aunt!" Aunty Julie's face was crumpled up like note paper, she looked like she might cry.
"I see why Hannah and Debbie want to live with their dad." She continued, tauntingly. "I don't want to live with you either, and neither does Dad. You're only here because Gran asked him to take care of you." Aunty Julie was fully crying now, rubbing her hands across her face, shoulders shaking. Elle had never seen her cry, either. Aunty Julie tended to go red faced and get angry and shrill.
"Elle!" Dad yelled, as if he might be able to get a handle on the situation. Andrew poked his head in from the kitchen, still holding his spoon in one of his hands. His blonde hair was in his eyes and he flicked it to the side. "You apologize right now or I'll -"
"Or you'll what?" She asked, turning to look at him, "You'll what, Dad? What will you do?" You're going to start disciplining us now? You've got time in your busy schedule to punish me now? How about when we were teenagers sneaking out to parties? Maybe if you'd disciplined us then, Robert wouldn't be a teenage father now!"
"Okay, that's not fair!" Rob said, from the couch where he'd been staring at her, rather stunned. Some part of Elle that's not on fire with fury and embarrassment realizes that if even Rob, who hates Dad, is stepping in to defend him, then she must be saying something really bad. But she can't stop. She can't even begin to consider it.
"What'll you do to punish me, Dad? You'll take apart Cam's room? You'll send me to bed without dinner? Too little too late! Maybe if you'd been able to keep it in your pants you'd have enough kids that you could actually raise them yourself!" Dad stares at her, blankly. Her words have cut him down. She's cut everyone down. She pulled Cam's ashes against her chest. The urn was a square tin and cold in her arms from being permanently in the path of the ac unit. She looked around, and then she stomped toward the door, grabbing the car keys on her way out while everyone stared at her, before suddenly Dad leapt toward her like a wounded bull.
"Elle, you put those keys down right now -"
"Make me!" She yelled, "You make me, Dad because I bet I can outrun you." That was a low blow, it's not Dad's fault he's got one leg, but it's true. He makes a leap for her, but she scoots aside, and then she darts out the door and to the red Jag before he can make another grab for her. Robert and Andrew chase her onto the front lawn as she shoved Cam's urn onto the passenger seat and drove off, tires screaming out down the street, almost as loud as Rob was screaming her name.
…
She drove around for a while, trying to get a handle on her anger before she did something rash. She didn't know what to do, or where to go for that matter now that she'd stormed out the way that she had. Elle didn't enjoy being at odds with her father, she loved him very much and preferred to agree with him to keep the peace in their home. She drove with the window down, letting the breeze mess up her hair and breathing in the smell of soot and car exhaust until she reached the other side of town and into the local bar scene. Even if her mind had not known where she was going it seemed her heart did because she'd ended up out the front of the BackLane Bar, Leo's second business. She was going to the one person who she had always been able to count on to be on her side. Her oldest brother. She pulled the car around the back to the staff entry, and parked. Then, she took Cameron with her and entered the building.
The Backlane Bar was a hole in the wall, truly. It was a cement floored room with a bar lining the back and a series of bright, neon lights shining streaks of blue and green onto the dancefloor and illuminating the space like a black light at a crime scene. Elle didn't even want to know what kinds of bodily fluids they found in there. But for right now, it seemed Leo was only using the downlights, which made the place seem kinda abandoned and spooky. As she wandered through the back room, there was no sign of Leo even though this is where he said he would be today if anyone needed him. She hoped he wasn't lying about his whereabouts like Rob.
But her fears were unfounded - Leo was sitting on the small stage at the front of the room mostly used for drag shows and hired dancers, sipping something out of a plastic cup. When Elle got a bit closer, she realized it was probably whiskey or something. He looked up at her, and frowned.
"What?"
"You won't believe this! Leo, when I got home from work Julie told me that she entered my story into a magazine without telling me! She took something that belonged to me and then she just…Gave it away! She thought it was going to be alright because I won and -"
"Elle…Give it a rest."
"What? She took my -"
"I said give it a rest!"
"Don't you get it? I said -"
"The rest of us have lives outside of you, Elle!" Leo exclaimed, loudly. "God, can you just give it a rest for five minutes. All you ever want to talk about is you and your life, the rest of us have issues too." She was a little taken aback, because while she was used to fighting with Robert, and even Andrew if he was being annoying…Leo was usually the level headed one who let her talk it out and was calm about scary situations. He hadn't yelled at her for a long time. She is rendered speechless by this. "You already have Dad's attention all the time, isn't that enough? You want mine as well?"
"What are you talking about?" She asked.
"Everyone just worries about you all the time. You're all messed up, because of what happened to Cameron, now all Dad does is worry about you. You think Amy didn't want more help when she was pregnant with Jimmy? You think David didn't want more help applying to Uni? Or that I don't want more help with my business but we can't have that. We can't have his attention because it's all going to you. All the time."
"I didn't realize."
"I know, and that's why I can't be angry at you!" He exclaimed, "You didn't ask for it. You don't ask for anything. You just shut down emotionally, and you shut everyone out so you can be alone in your bedroom with Cam's old stuff like you're the only one in the world who misses him." Leo drained his drink, and then sighed, hard. He looked very tired.
"What's wrong?" Elle asked, finally.
"I think I have to break up with this guy I've been seeing." Leo said, which is news to Elle because she hadn't even known he was seeing anyone. She doesn't say anything, hoping that the silence will encourage him to speak. But, Leo is wise to Elle's ways, and he doesn't.
"Who?"
"Just some guy."
"Why do you have to break up?"
"Because. He's… still in with the Renshaws."
"No way! Leo, Dad's going to kill you if -"
"I know! I didn't set out for this to happen but…I just…It's not working anyway. I wish it would, but all he wants me to do is go back and all I want to do is to get him to stop." He sighed and sat back a bit, looking at her and then frowning. "Is that Cam's ashes?"
"Yeah. I grabbed him when I stormed out of the house before."
"Ah. Bet everyone was happy about that."
"I don't want to talk about me right now." Because, the thing was, Leo was right. She has shut down emotionally since Cam died. She spends so much time ruminating on him, and his life and how tragically short it was cut and she doesn't talk to Leo like she did in the past, she doesn't play games with Andrew, she doesn't watch soaps with Aunty Julie or invite Dad to her cheerleading events. The only things she does are think about Cam, and be sad about him. And …It's not satisfying anymore. Not know she's had a taste of life with Carmella. Not now, she knows Leo is suffering. She appreciates everything that he does for her, but what does she do for him? Love isn't transactional, but it is a two way street she learned that young. You get what you give and lately, what has she been giving Leo? What has she been giving anyone?
"It's not important."
"If it matters to you, it's important." Elle said, "We used to talk about everything."
"Yeah. Used to." He took another sip of his drink. "It's only ever been you, for me."
"What do you mean?"
"All this stuff, about being bi and liking men and my relationships…I can only talk about it with you." Long pause. "I guess it's because I'm jealous of you."
"How so?"
"You never came out. You just came home with Glenn Forrest and said 'this is my girlfriend' and we all just had to accept 'oh. Elle's a lesbian now." That wasn't exactly how it happened. Bringing Forrest home HAD been her coming out. She hadn't been worried about it, because she had known Dad wouldn't care. Cam didn't care, and Leo was already seeing some guy named Ned so who cared about anyone else? She brought home the person she loved to the people she loved.
"Aunt Julie's head nearly popped like a cherry tomato." She said, thinking back to the day.
"But she accepted it."
"I'm not a lesbian, either." It's more of an afterthought. She's not a lesbian. She likes men sometimes. If Cam hadn't died she might have even gotten together with Riley Parker. Labels are not something she feels compelled to indulge in. Labels are divisive. Cam never liked to label himself, but he would flirt with anyone breathing that he wasn't related to. David had always struck her as someone who liked labels. She suspected some of that had rubbed off on Leo.
"Whatever." He patted the lip of the stage next to him. Elle stood, and moved to sit by him. He offered her a sip of his pungent drink but she shook her head no. "Growing up where we did, I always knew I didn't fit. For starters, I'm not white enough for Erinsborough. I was one of Paul's Bastard kids. I spoke differently, I looked different, and when I started to realize that I wasn't just interested in women…It was like a step too far."
"You don't need to tell anyone you don't want to. You know that Dad could care less about if you're into men or not."
"I know that. But I…I need to wait for David to come out. I don't want to take away from his moment."
"Who cares about David? He's a traitor anyway." While Leo had always made an effort to be close to his siblings, Elle got the sense that after he met his father David was disappointed in the outcome, while Leo was overjoyed to find someone just like him. It was like he couldn't get away from them fast enough, going to boarding school to pursue his dream of being a doctor. They had never bonded. Cam always felt that was a painful rejection. Robert too. But she'd been too busy being infatuated with Leo to care.
"I care! You might not get along with him, but he's my twin. I care, I have to care. I take care of him. Took." He paused, thought about it, then said - " You aren't the only one who misses Cam."
"I'm starting to see that."
"I guess we don't talk much about him."
"The reason I put Cam up on that shelf, with the air con was so that when his candle got blown out…I got to say his name."
"I'm sorry, that we've made you feel like that. Cam's still a member of this family. You can talk about him."
"It's not you, Leo. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk to me. You can. Tell me about your relationship."
"It's not a relationship. It's more like…Friends with benefits."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Was he that guy with the tat from the fete?" Elle asks, envisioning the guy with the tats and square jaw.
"Yeah." Leo sighs. Elle contemplated it, and then said -
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know. I could, I think"
"Could you love him without getting back with the Renshaws?" Leo thought about that for a long time, starring into the distance. Dad had done a lot to shelter the triplets from Leo's legal troubles. She didn't know the ins and outs, just that Leo had turned to the other side and she wasn't meant to talk about it in case that led to him being found out.
"No, I don't think I could."
"Well, there's your answer." Leo sighed again, then wrapped one of his long arms around Elle's body. He's warm, a furnace. He smells of booze and Cam's gym bag after he left it festering an entire Christmas Holidays one year.
"I'm a failure, Cinda."
"Yeah, and?" she asked, never one to engage in sugar coating. "So you failed once or twice. You're just going to give up? As if. You have another eighty years to be a success."
"I've missed you." He told her, "What did Julie do exactly?" It all seemed a bit pointless now, but Elle decided to elaborate anyway.
"She submitted my story to one of the papers at her job."
"And they made fun of it?"
"And it won."
"Well that's great!"
"It's not meant to be great!" Elle stood up, and took Cam tight against her chest as she stood, "No one was meant to read it! It was…Just for us."
"You know what Julie's like." He set his cup down and stood up too. He's so tall, at least six foot. Much taller than she is. "She just does whatever she wants because she believes she's helping people."
"Never thought I'd see the day you took Aunty Julie's side."
"I'm not taking anyone's side." Leo said, "Other than yours. She shouldn't have done it, but she didn't do it because she doesn't love you. If I had to guess I would say that she loved you more than anyone."
"She has a funny way of showing it."
"She's a Robinson, we all have a funny way of showing it. What did you win?"
"I don't know. I just…Said some things, grabbed Cam and left."
"So I take it you're not exactly Miss Thing at home, then. " She blushed hot red, and looked away from him.
"I said some…Pretty hurtful things."
"You usually do. I'm sure that they know not to take it too seriously." She thought back to the look on Aunty Julie's face and then sighed.
"I think this is different, Leo. Maybe…Maybe I shouldn't go home tonight."
"And where would you go? To stay with Ian?" Ian was her mother's biological father. Usually, the triplets would spend a month over the Christmas holidays with him – But she'd never felt the same connection with him that she'd felt with Grandad and Gran.
"I don't think I can afford that."
"Well, you could stay at the Lassiters Penthouse."
"On my own?"
"You could bring Carmella?"
"She's hanging out with Rosie."
"I could go with you?"
"With me?"
"I feel like we have a lot to catch up on, and after I break up with Mannix I might need some ice cream." And, she thinks, Dad will know where she is.
So that was what they did. Elle, who was sober, drove them to Lassiters and they used Dad's card to book the penthouse. They spent the night watching Making Mansions, ordering room service and drinking complimentary champagne. Elle got a text from Rob in the middle of the night asking if she was still going to care for Harlow tomorrow. She texted a thumbs up, before falling asleep on Leo's shoulder.
