"You're amazing, you know that?" Ensign Rynkar said to Jadzia as he lay next to her in bed. He stared at her, stroking one of his blue Andorian antennas. Jadzia smiled but said nothing, staring lazily up at the ceiling, her naked body covered by a thin Starfleet-issued blanket.
"My stars," the ensign continued. "Of course, I noticed you a few months ago but I never thought you'd go for me. You were so studious and serious. I almost didn't recognize you at the bar last night," he marveled.
"Mm," Jadzia nodded, thinking back to a few months ago. It was true she was different then. For almost three weeks now she had been living as Jadzia Dax – a little bit bolder and a lot more flirtatious than her former singular self. Now she had seven lives rattling around inside her, influencing her in ways she was still getting used to.
But even her self from last night seemed different from this current self at 500 hours. Everyone looks different in the morning, she thought.
This Andorian, for example, had seemed extremely handsome and stately last night in his ensign uniform. Now, without his clothes, he reminded Jadzia of a little old man and his bluish skin wasn't nearly as vibrant or interesting as she'd found it a few hours ago.
"Like wow," the Andorian said reaching out and softly caressing the spots on Jadzia's cheek. She grimaced, grabbed his hand, kissed his fingertips and placed his hand back on his chest.
"I've spent the night with humanoid females before but this...this was incredible. The way you move, the flexibility, the prowess...and you're smart. And so pretty. And funny too…" the ensign continued. Jadzia fought not to roll her eyes.
But this was what you wanted, wasn't it? Jadzia thought to herself. To win this Andorian's affection? To capture his attention? To show him just how good you are in bed?
But that was Curzon, she thought. It was just that life inside her that was always looking to exert energy and conquer. Ever since she'd been joined, she'd known exactly where to attribute her new, overwhelming urge to fuck.
Or was it Tobin who'd wanted this? He was always so insecure. Always needing some outside assurance that he was good enough. Now with Jadzia's beautiful face and body, acquiring such assurance was fairly easy. And here it was - someone to sing her praises, someone to validate just how pretty and cool and interesting she was, someone to remind her of her worth.
But that wasn't quite it either. So what was it that compelled her to do this? The physicality of Emony? The spontaneity of Torias?
Jadzia racked her brain as the ensign prattled on about how much fun he'd had. She wished he'd stop talking. Feeling annoyed, tired and slightly smelly, she tried and failed to pinpoint which part of her had wanted this so decisively last night.
Something about laying in this bed, next to this stranger felt so gross and sad. It wasn't the sex itself. Even unjoined, Jadzia was no stranger to one night stands. Normally, she found them fun and pleasurable, not having them excessively often but treating herself to a good time every once in awhile when her studies and work weren't preoccupying her.
And this wasn't even her first hookup after being joined but her third. After each encounter ended, however, she got increasingly melancholy, no matter how physically enjoyable it was. It was like she was reaching for something she could never quite touch.
She also couldn't help but feel that it wasn't Curzon or Tobin or any of the others who were looking for something – it was Jadzia.
A knot developed in her stomach as she realized what it was. It wasn't that she wanted attention or to be praised. She wanted to be known. She hated to think of the word that crept up so often throughout her life – lonely. It felt so pathetic and small. Not to mention seemingly impossible. With the symbiont, she'd been less alone with her thoughts than ever before. But that was just it. Somehow with six other voices crowding her brain and this Andorian absolutely yapping her ear off, Jadzia struggled with feeling very...alone.
When she'd successfully made her way through the trill initiate program, a small part of her, buried way inside, hoped that the symbiont would resolve the issue of loneliness. After all, at least one of these lives had to have been good at creating meaningful connection with others. Or at least would have some traits that might allow her to make a real friend. Who knows, she'd thought, maybe having a symbiont would be the most intimate connection of all.
But, unfortunately, she'd found that although being joined was beautiful and definitely intimate in some ways, it was sometimes actually like having six strangers share your body. These past few weeks had only served to exacerbate Jadzia's feelings of loneliness, of not being known. Now, she barely knew herself.
Suddenly overwhelmingly emotional, she quietly resolved to stop sorting out these feelings in the beds of strangers.
"So I'd love to see you again," ensign Rynkar said on his 20th uninterrupted minute of talking. "Maybe we could get dinner together at the replicator this weekend. Or we could grab another drink. Or we could - "
"Actually, I'm being assigned tomorrow. My first posting – Deep Space Nine," Jadzia said quickly shutting the ensign down. At least she'd had the good sense to have this fling right before leaving so she wouldn't have to see this ensign around the headquarters. That precision timing was all Jadzia.
"Ah," the ensign said, visibly disappointed. "Well, I'll have to look you up if I ever make a trip there."
"Yes that'd be great," Jadzia lied, getting out of bed and swiftly pulling on her underwear.
"And the last name is spelled R-Y-N-K-A-R. So you can reach me by subspace…"
"Absolutely," Jadzia said absentmindedly, straightening her uniform.
"You sure you don't want to relax awhile? Have you ever heard Andorian jazz it's really…"
"Oh, very enticing but I really must be going, Ensign," Jadzia said tying her hair back. "Lovely to meet you though."
"The pleasure was all mine," the Andorian said. He'd barely finished the statement before Jadzia was out the door.
Just 24 hours later, the Andorian ensign seemed just a speck of dust on Jadzia's 300 plus years of memory. In fact, all of her past, for once, felt secondary to her excitement about her present and future. She had a fresh, hopeful attitude as she boarded the vessel with the course set for Deep Space Nine. Everything looks different in the morning, she thought.
Today, Jadzia wasn't thinking about Jadzia. With the promise of a new environment, a new job and new people (save for one old friend who she was excited to "meet"), Jadzia felt that she was finally going to start carving out a life for the well-being and development of the symbiont. It felt incredibly right and joyful, as grounding in one's purpose often does. She happily nodded to the crew members welcoming her aboard and smiled at the other passengers as she made her way through the landing pad corridor.
She nearly bounced as she walked and finally set her duffel under an empty seat next to a tall, thin young man whose nose was buried in a padd.
Jadzia pulled out a bag of Terran potato chips from her duffel and began to munch happily. "Earth snacks?" she said holding the bag out to the man next to her.
"No thanks," he said barely glancing up. "Not great for your health, potato chips."
"Watching your figure?" Jadzia joked.
"Ha, a friend of mine said if I got any thinner I'd start to defy most regulation antigraviton machines," he said, swiping to the next page on his padd. Jadzia laughed.
"No," he continued absently, "Potato chips are just not good for humanoid arteries."
"What are you a doctor?" Jadzia rolled her eyes, burying her hand back into the bag.
"Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Julian Bashir, actually," the young man said putting his padd down. He held out his hand in introduction.
Jadzia's mouth opened in surprise and then delight at the playfully arrogant tone of this lanky seatmate. She could tell by the way he drew it out that he loved the ring of his title.
"Yeah, I'm just going to call you Julian," she smirked, wiping her crumby hand on her pants and giving his hand a shake. "Faster."
"Fine by me," Julian shrugged and smiled. "I'm more a man of the people anyway."
Everything about this man's dress, voice and mannerism told Jadzia that this wasn't true, though she appreciated that he seemed to want it to be true.
"You look familiar," Julian said getting a good look at Jadzia's face for the first time. His affectation seemed to change as he realized how gorgeous the trill sitting next to him was. Jadzia recognized the signs – his posture straightened, he ran his fingers through his hair, he cocked his head flirtatiously.
"Have I seen you around Starfleet Academy?" he asked.
"It's possible. I spent most of the last two years on trill completing my initiation, but I was a student before that. Maybe we've met," Jadzia shrugged, licking salt off of her fingers.
"Oh no, I would've remembered a name attached to a woman like you," he said leaning in slightly over their shared armrest. "What was it again?"
"Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax," she said smiling. "I think that makes me your superior officer?" she put her finger to her chin in mock calculation.
"I…" Julian's face fell.
"At ease, doctor," she said playfully pushing his shoulder so that he was back on his side of the armrest.
"Right," he laughed nervously. "Nice to meet you, Commander," he nodded without making eye contact. He cleared his throat and turned to his padd again.
"What is it you're reading?" Jadzia asked curiously, hoping to relax the doctor back into his playful state.
"Ah, fascinating stuff. Starfleet Encyclopedia of Breakthrough Medicine, stardates 2201-2300," he said excitedly. "I can't wait to start my post," Julian said almost wistfully. "I could have taken a lot of posts, I got many offers," he started. Jadzia internally rolled her eyes.
"But I just wanted to be out there, you know? Exploring new worlds, taking on new medical challenges – helping people, really helping people," he said.
Jadzia smiled. "I know what you mean. I'm looking forward to getting out there as well. I'm a new science officer myself."
"Fellow nerd!" Julian said enthusiastically. Jadzia laughed.
"Are you by any chance a joined trill?" he asked noticing her spots. "Just before graduating I was part of a clinical observation of a successful symbiont transfer at the Academy."
"I am actually, three weeks," Jadzia said proudly patting her tummy.
"Kudos! I know that process is rigorous. How many lives are in there?" he peered at her stomach curiously.
"Six. And I can feel them all kicking, doctor," she said. Julian laughed.
"How does it feel?" he asked.
"A little nerve-wracking actually," Jadzia said truthfully. "It's hard enough starting a new job and moving to a new place without having to bring a whole set of new memories and personalities along for the ride."
"I can only imagine," Julian said incredulously. "But the wealth of knowledge is just fascinating. There's actually some really interesting stuff in here on trill contributions to breakthrough medicine," Julian said clicking back furiously to a page in the middle of the book to show her.
The two officers launched into a conversation about trills that led to a conversation about star systems that led to a conversation about tribble litter. Jadzia was wary at first that Julian might be a self-absorbed talker – he clearly was more than a little arrogant and reminded her of the many men who tried to pick her up in bars. But she found after awhile that although he had a lot of knowledge to share, his excitement to share it was genuine rather than just an attempt to impress.
And to her surprise, when Jadzia started to share, Julian seemed just as eager to hear about her experiences and knowledge, especially about joined life. It was nice, she thought. She hadn't gotten a chance to fully talk about her joined experience with anyone yet. Julian listened hungrily and asked an endless amount of questions.
"How do you deal with the other Dax's desires sort of warring with your own?" he asked.
"The initiate program prepares you for that. It takes a lot of mental preparation really. A lot of grounding exercises – kind of like mindfulness techniques but on a different level," she explained.
"What about right now? Is the Curzon or Torias in you influencing our conversation in any way?"
Jadzia paused to consider.
"Well, normally they would," she said. "Curzon might compel me to make a dirty joke or Torias might compel me to tell you one of his pilot stories. But it's funny, for the first time in three weeks, it kind of just feels like Jadzia talking."
"Laaaame," Julian said flatly. "Let's hear the dirty joke!"
Jadzia laughed and threw a potato chip at him.
But it was true. She couldn't remember the last time talking with someone felt so easy. In between their rapid fire exchanges were bouts of laughter, stories about both their pasts and another bag of potato chips – shared this time. When the two finally looked up, a whole four hours had passed and a crew member announced that they were about to approach the station landing pad.
"Oh wow, well I better get my bags from storage," Julian said.
Jadzia nodded. A familiar feeling entered her stomach. The connection had been nice but now it was over. Time to part ways.
"Just wait for me, will you?" Julian said suddenly. "We can board the station together. That way we won't have to be new alone."
Jadzia smiled.
"New together," she pondered. "Sounds nice."
"I'll just be a moment!" Julian said, excitement thinly veiled. "Time to start the rest of our lives!"
Soon, the two of them were walking side by side through the landing corridor.
"Dr. Bashir, Lieutenant Dax!" called a redheaded officer. She was standing next to a jovial looking Black commander who broke out into a wide grin when he saw Dax.
"Welcome, welcome to Deep Space Nine!" the man boomed.
Jadzia recognized him immediately. A warm feeling flooded her chest as memory after memory with this Starfleet commander flashed before her. Jadzia marveled at how Curzon's memories of Benjamin Sisko brought her new feelings she had never experienced, at least not at this level. Friendship, brotherhood and camaraderie with depth Jadzia had only ever hoped to achieve. A memory of Benjamin visiting Curzon's hospice bed in his last days nearly pushed her to tears. Overwhelmed, she rushed over to Sisko, ignored his hand outstretched for a shake and warmly embraced him.
"Benjamin," she sighed into his chest, "It's so good to see you."
Sisko laughed heartily and returned the hug with gusto.
"Likewise, Lieutenant, likewise," the commander said taking a step back and looking appreciatively at the trill.
"Apologies, doctor," the commander then said turning to Julian. "Benjamin Sisko, Commander of Deep Space Nine. We're so pleased to have you on," Sisko said clasping his hand warmly.
"Pleased to be here," Julian beamed.
"And this is my first officer Major Kira Nerys," Sisko nodded to the short but intimidating looking woman beside him.
"Welcome to you both," she nodded. "Please, follow us."
The group began to amble through the landing corridor. Finally, they stepped through the portal and Jadzia marveled at the large, bustling promenade before her. Though it was still being cleaned and rebuilt there was a sense of excitement, importance and possibility as she took in what was to be her new home. She looked at Julian who she could tell was feeling some of the same things.
"Commander, if you'd like me to give them a tour of the station…" the Major began.
"You and Dr. Bashir go ahead," Sisko said. "I'm afraid I have to put Lieutenant Dax to work right away."
He winked at her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder to steer her toward the other end of the station, a gesture that felt oddly comforting. Of course, he'd done it to Curzon hundreds of times but never Jadzia – so it felt familiar, but peculiarly so. Being joined was going to be a trip, she concluded to herself.
"Jadzia!"
Jadzia slowed and turned to see Julian trying to catch up.
"Uh...maybe we could...get together after for dinner...or...or...or...or a...or a drink?" he stuttered.
Jadzia looked into the eyes of this excitable, eager, dorky doctor. Standing between her old friend and this promise of a new one, she suddenly felt strangely full. Like all the relationships she thought might be impossible for her were suddenly, literally, within arms reach.
"I'd be delighted," Jadzia said.
