CHAPTER 9

The following days are just like the first one except some days Lottie now stays with Candy since she's back from her trip. When she hears about all that's happened, she vows to never leave Seattle again. She is heartbroken that she wasn't there for Candy and Jeremy when they could have used her the most.

Candy is beginning to get restless. She's tired of being cooped up in the kitchen or bedroom. Of course, she does sit on the front porch a lot. But there is just something about the parlor that she loves and misses. It was the family gathering spot. Jeremy, Molly, Christopher, and herself always had so much fun in there. They read, did homework, played games, and just talked and enjoyed each other's company. Jeremy was also teaching Christopher to play the guitar and they would have sing a longs and dance. Now, their lives were changed and they didn't do any of those things anymore.

I want our old lives back. It's not fair to Jeremy, Molly, and Christopher not to be able to enjoy themselves in the parlor. And Jeremy, poor Jeremy. He has had to put up with me all these weeks. He takes such good care of me, while always being sure that I'm safe. He never complains though. What can I do to make his life easier. I owe him so much. Then there's Biddie, the best friend a girl could ever have. She has practically given up her life so she can look after me. She is here from early morning to late afternoon. I don't think her and Corky get to spend much time together anymore. I have to find a way to make it up to them.

Candy knows what she wants to do, but she isn't brave enough yet to do it. She has found herself standing outside the parlor doors, tempted to go inside. She has gotten to where she can put her hands on the doorknobs, but she backs out from going in. If I could go inside and face my fears, then it would be so much better for everyone. We could all use the parlor again. Jeremy wouldn't have to worry about me and Biddie wouldn't have to come over every day to babysit me. But how do I get in there with Biddie watching my every move?

One morning, she has an idea. Sitting in the kitchen watching Biddie take her strawberry rhubarb pie from the oven, Candy says, "Biddie, Jeremy's going to love that pie."

"Well, I should hope so," Biddie giggles. Sitting down with Candy at the table, she asks, "Now, what do you want to do today?"

"I thought I'd go sit in the swing and read. Biddie, I have a new book in my room. Would you mind getting it for me?" Candy asks ever so sweetly.

"Why of course, Candy. I'd be happy to. Now you just stay right there and I'll go get it."

"I'm not sure where it is, but I know it's up there somewhere. You may have to search for it."

"All righty. I'll be back as soon as I can," Biddie says as she leaves the room and climbs the stairs.

Candy gets up and walks quietly to the parlor doors. She places her hands on the knobs, takes a deep breath, and slowly opens the doors. Standing in the doorway, she lets her eyes slowly scan the room. So far, so good. Taking a few steps inside the room, she decides she's still all right. She walks around the room touching the pictures on the mantle and tables. She straightens the pillows on the settee and moves a chair a little more to the right of the fireplace. Stopping to look at the spot where Jeremy and her had their picnic, she remembers how happy he was when she told him he was going to be a Daddy. Now, she sees sadness in his eyes when she looks at him. Why did she have to lose the baby? They wanted that little bundle of joy so very much. Her eyes wander to where they found their wedding picture on the floor. Remembering how Richard told her he threw it on the floor, she becomes a little dizzy and feels sweat popping out on her face. Candy, you can do this. Don't think about him. Think of Jeremy playing his guitar and singing. Since the room is hot and stuffy, she walks over to the windows and raises them to let in some fresh air. That's when she feels someone touch her arm and she remembers Richard grabbing her from that very window, shoving her to the floor, and his kicking began. Candy screams.

"Candy, what are you doing in here?" Biddie asks. "Jeremy said you weren't to come in here."

Candy turns but doesn't see or hear Biddie. All she sees is Richard. She is having flashbacks of that day when she was attacked. "No!" she cries. She sees Richard ripping her clothes, slapping her, kicking her, kissing her, and feeling her. She puts her hands on each side of her head and screams, "No! Don't! Please stop!" while she drops to her knees in tears.

"Come on Candy, let's get out of here," Biddie tells her as she tries to get her up off the floor.

Candy now sees her attacker on top of her. She sees him push his pants down and feels his hardness on her leg, then on her inner thigh. She hears him tell her to enjoy it, then she sees herself push her scissors into his chest, him falling over laying on the floor dead, and a gush of wetness running down her legs.

"I did it!" she screams. "I killed him!"

"Candy, come on. Let's go into the kitchen," Biddie begs as she kneels beside her and puts her arms around her.

"I killed him, Biddie! I did it!"

"Candy, it's almost time for Jeremy to be here for lunch. Come with me, Let's go meet Jeremy," Biddie cries.

"I can't! Don't you understand! I killed Richard and God took my baby to punish me," she sobs. "Why did he hurt Jeremy like that? It was his baby, too. Jeremy didn't deserve to have his baby taken away from him for something I did."

"No Candy, God wouldn't do that. That was Rafe that did that."

As Jeremy comes up the drive, he is surprised that Candy isn't there running to meet him like she has been doing. At first he thinks maybe she's busy with lunch. But knowing Candy like he does, he knows that no matter how busy she is, she would still run out to meet him.

Sensing that something could be wrong, he runs to the house and calls her name as he enters the house. "Candy? Candy, are you here?"

Biddie answers loudly, "We're in here, Jeremy! Help! Candy needs help!"

Jeremy hurries to the parlor and finds Candy in a heap on the floor crying hysterically and Biddie sitting beside her tying to comfort her.

"What happened? Why is she in here?" Jeremy asks as he kneels down beside Candy.

"She tricked me to get me out of her way, Jeremy. She came in here and she started remembering what happened. She remembers what happened to Rafe."

Jeremy takes Candy in his arms. "It's all right, Candy. He'll never hurt you again," he says as he strokes her hair and holds her tight.

"Jeremy, I killed him. Why didn't you tell me?" she sobs.

"I was told not to. That you needed to remember on your own. I'm sorry, Candy."

"Biddie, you knew didn't you? Why didn't you say something?"

"I couldn't. I'm sorry," Biddie hangs her head.

"Candy, let's talk about this later. Right now, I want to get you out of here. Can you walk?"

"I don't know. Jeremy, I killed him! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" she screams.

"Right now, it doesn't matter. Come on Sweetheart, I'll carry you upstairs." Looking at Biddie, he says, "Biddie, go get Allyn. Tell her to hurry."

"All right. I'll be right back," she cries as she runs from the house.

Jeremy helps Candy up from the floor, sweeps her up into his arms, and carries her upstairs placing her on the bed as she continues to sob.

Sitting on the side of the bed, Jeremy takes her hand and tries to comfort her. "Candy, everything will be all right. I promise."

Candy is inconsolable as she cries and rants at the same time. Jeremy has a hard time keeping up with her, she is talking so fast. "How? How can it be all right? I killed a man. I will be arrested and either sent to prison or hanged. Tell me how that will be all right?"

Before Jeremy can answer, Candy continues. "I'm so sorry, Jeremy. This is not what you asked for when you married me. I'm not fit to be your wife. I'm a murderer," she bawls as she turns over and buries her face in the covers.

"Candy, you're not a murderer. I promised to love and cherish you through the good and the bad. Well, this is the bad and I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere,"

"Why? Why Jeremy? You should run for your life and never look back."

"Why? You want to know why I'm staying? Because I love you. I want to help you through all this so we can be a happy family again."

"But. . .but we'll never be a happy family. Jeremy, I destroyed all our dreams. I'll be going away and you'll divorce me and marry someone that can be a good wife to you and give you children. I can't ever give you children."

"You don't know that, Candy. Besides you're not going away. Aaron said he was not going to bring charges against you."

"Why? Why am I not being charged? I deserve to be punished. Jeremy, I killed a man and I killed our baby."

"You did not kill our baby, Candy. Losing the baby was not your fault."

"Yes, it was. I killed Richard so God took our baby from us to punish me. God will never let me have a baby. He'll make me barren. I can't give you a baby, Jeremy. I'm so sorry." Candy buries her head deeper into the covers and sobs louder.

Shaking his head, Jeremy is not sure how to reason with her. "Candy, you know God doesn't work that way. Rafe is the one that took our baby away, not God. And I know God will give us a baby someday. We just have to be patient and have faith." He finally coaxes her on her back so they can see each other. "Candy, Sweetheart, do you trust me?"

"You know I do," she continues to cry.

"Then believe me when I say everything is going to work out fine. It'll take a little time, but we'll come through this and be closer than ever."

"Even if I don't hang, I should have to wear a big scarlet M on my clothes just like Hester Prynne had to wear a big scarlet A. I'll be an embarrassment to our family forever."

"I'm sorry, Candy. I don't know who Hester Prynne is. Who is she?" Jeremy asks puzzled.

"She is in a book I'm reading. The Scarlet Letter. She had to wear a big red A on her chest because she committed adultery. I'm like Hester, except I'm a murderer," she continues to sob.

"Candy, stop saying that. You are not a murderer. You did what you did in self-defense. You were trying to save yourself and the baby."

"I failed at that too, didn't I? I couldn't save our baby, Jeremy. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!" She buries her face in the covers again.

Allyn rushes into the room. "Sorry it took so long to get here, but I was with a patient. Now, what happened?"

"Allyn, Candy remembers everything that happened and she's not handling it too well."

"I see. Candy look at me," Allyn demands.

"I can't," Candy cries.

"Candy, I can't help you if you won't let me."

"I don't want any help! I don't deserve any help! I just want to die. I want to die so Jeremy will be free of me!" she screams.

Jeremy looks grief stricken, but he also becomes angry. He grabs Candy by her shoulders and turns her over roughly to look at him. When he looks into her eyes, he sees fear and it about breaks his heart. Candy is afraid of him? "I'm sorry, Candy. I didn't mean to scare you. I would never hurt you. But you have to stop with all this nonsense. Hanging, divorce, embarrassment, barren, scarlet M, dying. None of that is going to happen. Please, let Allyn help you."

"No, I don't want any help. Just leave me alone. Everyone, leave me alone!" she sobs as she turns back over burying her face in the covers again.

"Jeremy, may I see you over here," Allyn says as she walks to the opposite side of the room.

"What is it, Allyn? Can you do anything to help her?" Jeremy asks.

"I can give her a sedative to calm her down. When it wears off, she may be upset with us."

"Well, give it to her. I don't care if she is mad at me. I can't stand to see her like this," Jeremy says.

"Very well. She may fight us on giving this to her, but if you hold her, I'll give her the injection."

They walk over to the bed and Jeremy holds Candy in his arms, kisses her forehead, and whispers, "I love you, Candy. Please forgive me."

After Allyn gets the syringe ready she says, "All right, hold still Candy."

Later that evening after Candy has slept for hours, Jeremy takes a tray upstairs for the both of them. He thinks she may eat something if he will join her. Setting the tray on the small table close to the window, Jeremy then goes to sit on the edge of the bed. He sees that Candy is awake but she doesn't look at him.

Placing his hand on her arm he says, "Hi. Feeling better?"

Candy doesn't say anything.

"Look Candy, I know you're probably mad at me for letting Allyn give you that injection, but honestly, I just couldn't stand seeing you in so much agony. I hope you can forgive me."

Candy turns her head to look at him. In a very low voice she replies, "I'm not mad at you, Jeremy. I don't know what I am."

He smiles at her. "Well that's a relief, that you're not mad at me. I brought some supper up for us. I thought we could sit over by the window and eat. It's not much, but I think it'll do."

"I'm not hungry. You go ahead and eat."

"Nothing doing," he says. I'm hungry, but if you're not going to eat, then I won't eat either."

"Jeremy, that's nonsense. If you're hungry, then eat. Don't let me stop you from eating."

"Candy, please come eat something. Even if it's just a couple of bites. Please."

Knowing that Jeremy won't give up unless she eats she answers, "Oh, all right. Anything to get you off my back." He rolls his eyes as he helps her up and they walk over to the table.

"Like I said, it's not much." They sit and eat in silence.

When finished, Jeremy takes Candy's hand and squeezes it. "Candy, do you want to talk about it?"

Meekly Candy says, "I don't know."

"It may help if you do talk about it. I want to help you through this. I love you and I can't stand seeing you like this."

She looks into his eyes. "I know you do, and I love you for it, but Jeremy, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be arrested and sent to prison or even worse, hanged. But if I don't get arrested, then I feel like I'm getting away with murder. I don't know if I can live with that."

"Candy, it wasn't murder. It was self-defense and self-preservation. You did what had to be done."

"But if I would have just given in and let him take me, he would at least still be alive. Now, I have to live with knowing I took a life."

"Let him take you!" he says shaking his head. "Candy, don't even think that way. I'm not sorry he's dead. The truth is, if you hadn't already killed him, then I would have. At least half the town would have. There's no way I would have him get away with what he did to you and our baby. If I would have killed him, I most certainly would hang."

"I'm glad you didn't kill him, but it doesn't change the fact that I did. I have to make this right." Candy gets up and says, "Jeremy, while I freshen up, would you please go get Aaron so I can confess to what I did? I have to get this off my chest."

Jeremy jumps up and takes her by the arm. "No Candy, not tonight. Aaron doesn't need to talk to you again right now, plus it's getting late. You can talk to him later if you still think you have to. Give it at least a week so you can think about what happened and what you want to do."

Knowing that Jeremy is going to fight her on this, she relents. "All right, Jeremy. You win this time, but I will talk to Aaron soon, okay."

Jeremy wraps his arms around her. "Thank you. I just want us to have a nice quiet night together. You go freshen up and change into your night clothes. I'll take the dishes downstairs." He gives her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Did Molly and Christopher eat supper? I guess we should have eaten with them."

"They're fine. They went home with Biddie for a few days. I'm taking some time off again so I can be with you."

"Jeremy, you don't need to do that. Now that I know the truth, I don't need a babysitter."

"I know you don't, but I just need to be with you. For my own peace of mind."

"All right. Thank you."

"Anytime."