CHAPTER 11
Jeremy is sitting by the fireplace so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't hear the knock on the door. Candy looks in the window and sees him just sitting there. She opens the door and goes quietly over to him.
Standing so close to him that she can see the hurt and disappointment on his face, her heart aches for him. "Jeremy? Jeremy, I'm so sorry," she says as she kneels in front of him and tries to wrap her arms around him.
Jeremy brushes her arms away from him. "What are you doing here, Candy? I gave you what you wanted, as usual. Is that not enough for you?"
"Jeremy, I thought that's what I wanted, but now I realize I don't want that at all. Not if it means hurting you."
"Too late for that, Candy."
"I know I hurt you, but believe me I didn't intend to. I should have told you I was going to Aaron's and why, but I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping you out of it. Now I know that was a big mistake."
"You wanted to keep me out of it because you knew I'd try to change your mind. That's the reason. Admit it," he says sarcastically.
"Well, that was one reason, but not the only one. There are several reasons."
"I know you think you have the answer to everything. No matter what I say, your way is always the correct one, according to you. You don't need me around to tell you my opinions. You always do what you want to do."
"You're right. I do tend to think I'm right about things. I do ignore your advice too many times. But that doesn't mean I don't need you. I do need you. I need you more than you'll ever know. I love you, Jeremy."
"I know you love me. It's just that I need to be shown that you love me and I don't mean just in bed. That includes respecting my opinions. Not just sweeping them aside like you do. Taking my advice. I gave you good sound advice, but you didn't listen."
"I know you did. I'm sorry. I'm just a stubborn, pig headed Pruitt. My own Mother use to tell me that. I've always been like this. I promise I'll try my best to change."
Jeremy stands up and walks over to the door. "I don't want you to change, Candy. That's one of the things about you that I fell in love with. I loved your strong will and determination. You weren't afraid to try anything. But in the beginning, you would ask for my advice and sometimes you'd take it. You seemed to be interested in what I had to say." He shakes his head. "Now, it's like you're so obsessed with punishing yourself that you just do whatever you want, and me, Molly, and Christopher be damned." He opens the door and sighs. "Gotta take care of the horses." And he leaves Candy still kneeling on the floor in tears.
When Jeremy comes back into the cabin, Candy has gotten a fire going in the stove and has heated up some ham, beans, and biscuits. As she sets the table she says, "I thought you may be hungry."
"I guess I am a little. Thanks." He goes to wash up before sitting down at the table. As he bows his head to say the blessing, he folds his hands. He doesn't take Candy's hand like he usually does, so Candy takes his hand in hers. "For this food we're about to receive, may we truly be thankful. Amen."
"Amen," Candy says as she squeezes his hand before letting go of it.
They eat in awkward silence. They both know if they talk about what is on their minds, they'll be arguing again.
When they are about finished eating Jeremy says, "When I was outside, it looked like a storm was forming in the distance. Might be headed this way. I left your horse hitched up to the buggy. You need to leave soon so you'll be home before it hits."
Candy looks surprised. "I-I wasn't planning on going home. I want to stay here with you."
Jeremy gives her a glance before stating, "Look Candy, I came up here to be alone so I could think. You need to go home. I'll be ho. . .uh, I'll be back before the trial. I won't let you go through that by yourself."
"Well, thank you, but there isn't going to be a trial because I. . ."
Jeremy interrupts, "What do you mean there isn't going to be a trial!" That's all you've talked about ever since you got your memory back. How you need to pay for what you did."
"Jeremy, I still feel like I need to be punished for what I did. But you are right. I did kill Richard in self-defense. I was desperate and trying to defend myself and protect our baby. I don't want a trial anymore. All I want is for you to forgive me and come back home." She places her hand on the side of his face and gently rubs his cheek.
Jeremy looks deeply into Candy's teary blue eyes. "If not a trial, then what do you mean by you still need to be punished?"
"I don't really know. Jeremy, I told Jason to tell Aaron I don't want a trial now. But there has to be something I can do to make this right, just for my own peace of mind. I know you said you think I don't want to hear your advice, but I would really like to hear it now. I'm completely stumped by what I could do."
Jeremy grunts, "Hmpt! The one time you ask for my advice, and I have none to give."
"Well, maybe we could work together to come up with a plan. Jeremy, I know you don't think I should be punished, but. . ."
"No, I don't think you should be punished. I think you have already paid that debt by being beat up and almost raped by him. Plus, you had to suffer through the loss of our baby. I think you have paid more than enough already."
Candy rises and begins to clear the table. "While you're up here doing your thinking, would you please consider how I feel about this. And I'll do the same about how you feel while I'm waiting for you to come home." She takes the dishes to the sink. "Let me get these dishes washed and then I'll go." A tear trickles down her cheek.
Jeremy is torn between letting her stay or letting her go. "I'm going to bring some wood in. The box is almost empty." He takes his time gathering the wood, then slowly goes back in the cabin. He sees that Candy has finished the dishes and is now making the bed. He places the wood in the box next to the fireplace and brushes his arms and clothes off with his hands.
"Candy, what are you doing?"
"It looks like I'm making the bed so you can have a nice place to sleep."
"You don't need to do that."
"I know, but I know you. You wouldn't put sheets on the bed. You'd just lay on the mattress." She finishes and walks towards the door. "I'll be going now. I hope you have a good night."
"Candy, I'm sorry."
"No Jeremy. You have nothing to apologize for. It was all me. I'm the one that's sorry."
"Well, I think we both had a hand in it. Why don't you stay up here tonight?"
"Thank you, but the answer is no."
"Why?" he asks.
Candy turns around and faces Jeremy. "Because if you really wanted me to stay, you would have unhitched the horse from the buggy. You're just being polite or feeling guilty."
Shaking his head he says, "Candy, I don't want to hurt you, but I do think we both need a little time alone."
"Do you know, um, how much time you need to be alone?" she asks as tears fill her eyes.
"Not exactly. Maybe a night. Or maybe two or three days. Could be longer. I just don't know."
"I see. Well, take care of yourself." She goes out slamming the door as the tears open up. She climbs aboard and picks up the reins. She notices that Jeremy hasn't come outside to see her off. Turning the horse around she heads home, crying all the way.
Two days later Candy is sitting in the swing on the front porch mending some clothes. She is holding one of Jeremy's work shirts and looks indecisive. Jason walks up and studies Candy before he says something. "Hello Candy. Is there a problem with the shirt?"
"Oh, hello Jason. I was just trying to decide whether I wanted to hug Jeremy's shirt or tear it to shreds," she says jokingly.
"So, the two of you haven't cleared up your differences yet, uh?" Jason asks.
"No, not exactly."
"Well, speaking of Jeremy, where is he? I have some papers here that need his signature."
"He's still up at the cabin. I haven't heard from him in two days."
"I just came from there, Candy. He's nowhere around. All his stuff is gone and the bed looks like it hasn't been slept in at all."
Worry fills her face as tears fill her eyes. "I guess he finally thought things over and decided he needed more distance between us."
"Now Candy. Don't you jump to conclusions. I'm betting there is a very logical explanation for Jeremy's disappearance. Why didn't you stay up there with him?"
"I told him I wanted to stay, but he didn't want me to. I wonder where he went."
Jason tries to reassure her. "He probably thought of something he needed and went somewhere to get it. I'm sure he's safe and will be back home soon."
"You mean something or. . .or someone?" Candy asks in a quivering voice.
"Candy, he doesn't know anyone outside of Seattle that he could visit."
"Jason, you don't have to know anyone to go to a dance hall or a brothel. It's been so long since he's had any affection, that way."
Jason's eyes get big. "Candy, I can't believe you think Jeremy would do such a thing. He loves you."
"I know he loves me, but I hurt him. I hurt him deeply. Plus, I'm afraid he no longer wants me because of what Richard did to me. What else is there to think?"
"I'm confident in saying Jeremy understands none of what happened is your fault. He's probably waiting for you to give him, uh, the go ahead."
"I did, Jason. I told him that Allyn said we could. That I was healed now. But he has kept his distance. I just don't think he finds me desirable anymore. I mean, what man would want his wife after she was assaulted like I was. I'm dirty, broken, damaged, or whatever else you can think of to call it."
"Candy Bolt! Is that really how you think Jeremy feels or is that the way you think of yourself? Jeremy was so worried about you after the assault. It was all we could do to keep him sane. He would never think of you like that."
"I'm sorry, Jason. I probably shouldn't have said anything to you about Jeremy and my problems. But you know Jeremy better than anyone, even me. And I needed someone to listen to me. I know this is kinda personal and Jeremy will more than likely get mad at me for discussing our problems with his brother."
"Well then, we just won't tell him that we talked about this. Don't you worry. I'm sure Jeremy will be home before you know it," Jason says with a chuckle. "Tell him everything you just told me. I know he'll put your mind at ease."
"I hope so. I love him so much, Jason. I don't want to lose him."
"You won't lose him, Candy. You two were meant to be. Well, I need to get up to the camp. Do you need anything before I go?"
Candy shakes her head. "No, nothing that I can think of. Jason, thank you for listening to me."
"You're welcome. If you need anything, just let Josh or me know. We'll help you anyway we can."
"I will, thank you," Candy says.
With a nod, Jason leaves for camp and Candy sits and wonders why Jeremy left. She picks his shirt up and smells it. It smells so much like Jeremy. Then she cries into his shirt.
