~ Chapter 10: Felix ~
"Will you relax?" Pilar asked. "Your mom's going to notice you're anxious." She glanced toward my mom. She was facing the oven, so she couldn't see us.
"It's hard to relax when I know she's going to say no. What if we don't ask her?" Pilar put her hand on my knee which stopped my nervous tapping but did nothing to quell my anxiety.
"You're going into your senior year," Pilar reminded me. "It would be nice if we didn't have to sneak out for everything. And it would be nice if we could hang out without you getting more grounded."
"It would also be nice if you just accept that I'm going to be grounded until I can afford to move out," I muttered.
Pilar continued as if she hadn't heard me. "And I know you hate that your mom is mad at you. I get why you won't tell her, I really do, but this has been going on long enough. I didn't realize she'd hold a grudge for months!"
"You obviously don't know my mom very well," I muttered. I didn't blame my mom, not really.
"Felix, I'm serious!" Pilar clasped my hand tightly, and I finally looked at her. "It's not fair that this is happening to you and if we can do anything to start to make this better, we need to. You're right. She'll probably say no, but isn't it worth trying?"
I sighed. "What if this can't get better?" I asked.
Pilar was quiet for a minute; she looked down at her lap and her lips tilted into a tiny frown that would be unnoticeable if I didn't know to look for it. "Then we cross that bridge when we get there," she told me. "She's your mom. She has to be in your life, and I really hope we can figure out how to make that happen." She squeezed my hand. "I'm going to go see if she needs help with anything."
Pilar went into the kitchen. I saw her talk to my mom for a moment before she came out holding a bowl of mashed potatoes. My mom was right behind her.
"Everything looks amazing, Ms. Weston," Pilar said sweetly.
"Thank you, sweetie."
Dinner was quiet. After Pilar asked my mom how work was going and she responded with, "work is work", there really wasn't much to build on.
I didn't feel like I could just come out and ask her if I could go to Victor's tournament. I still thought I should just tell her I was working all day. She never left the apartment, so she'd never know that I wasn't at Brasstown. I couldn't remember the last time she'd gone anywhere. She didn't have a reason to. I picked up groceries after work and she was working from home until October or November, whenever they finished the massive repair on the building she worked in. I thought part of the reason she was so hard on me is she knew I was waiting for something to happen with her. I counted her medicine every day just to make sure she was taking them. I hated to do it, but she got angry and defensive every time I asked her about it, and I needed to know. To my knowledge, she hadn't skipped a day. It was the only thing that gave me piece of mind.
Dinner passed slowly. Normally, we'd play a game after dinner. It used to be our thing, but it hadn't been normal around here in a long time. When my mom put her fork down, I finally managed to broach the topic. "Mom? You know Victor." My mom had actually never met Victor, but she'd heard a lot about him from me and Pilar.
"Yes," she said slowly.
"Well, he's been away at that basketball camp, and there's this huge tournament on Friday. He might get a scholarship, and I'd really like to be there. If you're okay with that."
"You're grounded." She said it like there was even the slightest chance I'd forgotten.
"No, I know. I…" I closed my eyes. "This is really important."
"No."
"But –" Pilar started.
"I said no!" my mom snapped. She stood up. "It's not enough that you're constantly lying to me, is it? You think I don't know that you don't work eighty hours a week." That was an exaggeration. Did I strategically go to the Salazars a couple of hours before work or right when I got off of work purely to extend the little freedom I got from having a job? Sure. Who wouldn't? I didn't want to lie to her. Why was that so hard for her to see?
I looked down at the table because, while I definitely wasn't pretending to work eighty hours a week and I'd kind of figured she'd realized that I wasn't working as often as I said I was, we'd avoided talking about it.
"Ms. Weston, surely you could make an exception," Pilar pleaded.
"Absolutely not." She turned her fiery gaze back to me. "What is going on with you? You're sneaking out. You're lying. You used to be such a good boy."
I flinched because I didn't think I was the greatest person in the world or anything, but I was okay. I definitely wasn't a bad kid, and her words made me feel like I was. "I haven't changed," I said to her softly. "I don't like this either."
"Then stop." There was an almost pleading tone to her voice. "I feel like I'm losing you."
When she rested her hand on the table, I grabbed it. "You're not. I'm right here. You're not losing me."
"I am. I feel like since you started dating… you're different. You're getting suspended and acting like you don't care how you're hurting me."
"I hate that I'm hurting you. I'm sorry if you think me dating is the cause of this, but it's not. Lake isn't the reason I did what I did, and neither is Pilar."
"I never said I blamed Lake."
Her words sat between us for a moment, only adding to the stunned silence. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she blamed Pilar. Never, not in a million years, would I have realized that. I thought the tension from our shared meals had stemmed from her anger at me and not her resentment for Pilar.
"You think… you think it's me?" Pilar managed. "You think I'm the reason he's doing this."
"I know it is. This isn't my son and if this is who he is when he's with you… he can do so much better." Pilar looked like she'd been slapped.
"I'm going to walk Pilar back to her apartment," I said quickly. I didn't know how things had gone so wrong so quickly. I practically had to usher Pilar out the door.
I carried her scooter down the stairs while she carefully got herself down. She sat down on the bottom step. "You can go back up. I don't want you to get in more trouble."
"P."
"No, I'm serious. Go. I need a minute."
I didn't want to walk away from her. Words couldn't describe how much I didn't want to walk away from her, but I thought she genuinely needed her space.
When I got back to my apartment, my mom was sitting at the table. "What was that?" I demanded. "Pilar didn't deserve that!"
"I just spoke my mind," she said defensively. "I'm sorry if you didn't like it."
"Say what you will about me. Say that I'm a bad kid or I'm sneaky or I'm a liar or whatever you want, but don't bring Pilar into it." I felt like I was shaking. "I made the decisions I made. Me. Pilar has been encouraging me to talk to you this whole time, but I can't! Do you know who I can talk to? My friends and Pilar. That's why I've been lying to you about having work because you can't cut me off from them. I need them."
I went to my room. My mom didn't come to check on me. I didn't know why I thought she would. Every fight, I felt like we grew more and more distant. I hated everything about this. I hated that this had happened in the first place; I hated that I didn't think she was strong enough to handle the truth; I hated that she didn't trust me.
I texted Pilar to make sure she was okay, but she didn't answer me. I felt so restless and agitated like I might actually combust. I knew scientists claimed it wasn't possible, but I wasn't sure those scientists thought to account for what something like this would feel like.
A little after midnight and after over an hour of resisting the urge to scream just to lesson the pressure of everything weighing me down, I went outside. The night air was warm but the kind of warm that I knew would feel cold the longer I was out here. I thought it would help me think clearly, so I took a seat on the steps in front. I texted Victor to see if he was awake and his phone call came in a few minutes later. "Why are you up?" I asked when I answered.
"Why are you up?" he tossed back. When I didn't answer, he said, "we were playing a really intense game of flag football until campus security told us we needed to go to our rooms."
"You got in trouble for playing flag football?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yep." Victor chuckled. "We probably got in more trouble because Chris thought it would be funny to try to convince them to join our game. Yes, I'm talking about you. Dumbass," he muttered. "Sorry. I'm in the common room. Jared's trying to sleep, and I didn't want to keep him up. It's your turn."
"I'm outside. I didn't want to wake up my mom, and I couldn't sleep."
"What's going on?"
I filled him in on the fights with my mom and what she'd said about Pilar. When I finished, Victor was quiet for a long time. "So that's what happened. How are you feeling about all of that?"
"Not great." I closed my eyes for a moment. "Do you ever wish you could go back and just do things completely different?"
"Sometimes," he admitted. "But then I think that I might not have ended up where I am now, and nothing makes that worth it."
"So, basketball's still going well then?"
"Yeah, but that's not what I was talking about. It's everything. I spent most of last summer thinking about how I could have come out to my parents better, thinking about how I could have been honest with Mia, how I could have avoided fighting with Benji. I can still regret some of that stuff, but it changed me, you know. Just like this stuff with your mom changed you."
"Yeah. It made me worse."
"Did it?" he challenged. "Or did it turn you into someone that believes you're worth more than the hand you've been dealt."
A car pulled up to the sidewalk right in front of me. "Hold on. I'm going to go inside before I get abducted."
"If you're talking about the car, it's Benji."
I didn't believe Victor until Benji was close enough to be visible in the moonlight. "Why?"
"Trust me," Victor says. "If you still want to talk later, call me. I don't care how late it is." He hung up on me.
I stared at my phone then at Benji then back at my phone. "What is going on?"
"You tell me," Benji said. He pulled out his phone. "12:31 am. Can you do me a favor? Can you check on Felix? Like, can you drive to my apartment? And sit with him? And talk to him? I think he needs to talk to someone in person. Maybe bring a blanket. It might be chilly outside. Or a hoodie. I don't want you getting frostbite. Also, I miss you. You can take a nap here tomorrow. My bed is too small for one person anyway. Or too big? I don't know what I'm saying. Make sure he's okay. I'm worried. I'm going to kill Pilar." He put his phone back in his pocket. "The texts go on."
"Is he drunk?" I asked uncertainly.
Benji chuckled. "Drunk is probably a strong word for it. He's a little past tipsy but not quite drunk."
"Huh. I thought they were playing flag football."
"Oh, they were," Benji confirmed.
"How… you know what, I don't think I want to know."
"No, I promise you don't." He sat down next to me.
"Does he always get like that when he drinks?"
"Every time," Benji confirmed. "He doesn't drink often, but he's drank with his friends a few times at the program and… yeah. I think it's kind of cute."
And people thought I was weird. "Sure."
"So, what has Vic so nervous?"
I shrugged. I could count on one hand how many times Benji and I had talked without Victor, and most of those were before Victor even moved here. Until they'd started dating, Benji and I had run in different circles. He'd surrounded himself with kids like him – musicians and people from his band. I'd… desperately been trying to find a circle.
He didn't try to push me. We just sat there and watched the night sky. "It's just a fight with my mom. I'm overreacting."
"You're probably not. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know." I studied my knee for a second. "Why did Victor tell you to come here? And why did you listen?"
Benji frowned and looked up at the sky. "Well, I think Victor would have come here if he could," he said. "And I think, to him, I'm the next best thing. And I think nothing makes him happier than when I'm friends with his friends."
"I mean, we're friends, but are we friends like this?" I asked.
I shivered and Benji passed me a blanket. I didn't remember him having it when he got here, but I gratefully wrapped it around myself.
"You never said why you listened to Victor. Why are you here?"
Benji looked up at the sky. "I've known you for… what? Twelve years, but you were just… you know. You were just Felix. I didn't try to get to know you past what other people said about you. Then I started dating Victor and you were his crazy close best friend." Benji frowned. "I don't have an excuse for it, but I think I was almost scared to get to know you. Kind of like I'd have to share Victor with you if I did."
"You were… jealous?" I asked uncertainly. "Of me."
The words didn't make sense. Benji was perfect. He could play the guitar, was attractive, was liked by just about everyone. Before he came out, he had girls falling all over him and, honestly, even after he came out that kept happening. The idea that someone like him was jealous of someone like me was laughable.
"Yeah," he said softly. "It was new to me – having a boyfriend with a guy friend who was as close as the two of you are. I knew that Victor didn't have feelings for you, but he could've and that got in my head a lot."
"I never knew that. You know you have nothing to be jealous of."
"Don't I?" Benji asked. "I know I don't have to worry about anything happening between you and Victor, but I dunno. It took me a long time to work through it. I felt like… insecure in a way. I didn't know where I fit in when we were with you."
"I know what you mean," I admitted. It wasn't exactly the same thing, but I couldn't help but compare what he'd said to how I felt about Pilar and Victor. I didn't think it would ever get easier.
He shook his head. "I don't think you do. I… Victor's the only person that knows a lot of things about me. Lucy comes close, but I've let Victor in in a way that I've been terrified to let anyone else in. When we started dating, I always knew he could be that person, but I was scared to let him be that person because of you."
"Okay… you lost me." I thought I'd been following what he was saying until right at that moment.
"I'm not saying it's your fault," he hastily added. That I believed because I had no idea what could be my fault. "I was scared because I knew I couldn't be that person for him. He already had you. You were someone he felt so comfortable being himself with, someone he felt like he could talk to about anything. I mean, he talked to you about us having sex before he talked to me and, even then, it was because you told him he should talk to me. You were the one to defend me after my birthday. After Harold's wedding, you were the one that helped him realize he wanted to be with me." He clasped his hands in front of me. "Do you know what that's like? To love someone that trusts someone and loves someone that deeply? I felt like I couldn't possibly compare to you. You were the first person that Victor came out to… if you don't count Simon and his friends. You were the first person to accept him and make him feel like it was okay to be gay. I couldn't compete."
"It's not a competition."
"I know that now," he said. "The thing is… I feel like I've been waiting for someone to be my secret keeper and after our break, Victor was always that person. I thought that was enough, but it's not. My secrets don't have to belong to me and one person just like Victor's can belong to both of us and just like yours can belong to Victor and Pilar."
"And you?" I guessed.
He shrugged. "If you want."
"You pretty much know everything," I pointed out.
"I know some of it," he agreed. "But Victor doesn't feel like I have a right to your story unless you tell me yourself."
"I told him I was fine with him telling you."
"Yeah, but I get where he's coming from. There's power in owning your own story. The day I finally told Victor everything, I felt like… like it wasn't just on me anymore. I'm not ready to tell you." He looked like he was confessing to murder. "I don't know when I will be, but it's not tonight."
"Do you want to tell me?" I asked surprised.
"I don't think I want to tell anyone in the same way that I didn't want to tell Victor, but he keeps saying that telling people will stop giving this thing power over me. I'm almost there. I'm working on believing that." He suddenly looked at me. "I'm not ready to talk about my stuff, but if you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen."
"What if I don't know how to talk about it?"
"Then we'll just sit here until you're done not talking about it."
"I don't understand. Why are you doing this?" I asked.
"Because I know what it's like to feel like what you carry is too much for another person." He still didn't look at me. Instead, he pulled his hood up and lay back, so his head rested on the step above him and let his eyes flutter closed.
"You know most of it," I told him. I mimicked his posture. It wasn't nearly as comfortable as he made it look, and I ended up shifting the blanket, so it wrapped around my head as well. That helped.
He didn't say anything. I couldn't help but think back to the last time Benji and I had been out here. Victor had been with us as well which had made this so much easier.
The more time that passed, the more the silence evolved into something comfortable and peaceful. "Why did you come out here?" His question was so quiet, I almost missed it.
"I couldn't sleep."
"Yeah, but why did you come out here? Why not stay in your apartment?"
I had to think about his question because I'd been escaping my apartment for as long as I could remember. I didn't think I had a reason. "It never occurred to me to stay in there."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I guess I didn't think I could calm myself down in there."
"Calm yourself down?" he pressed.
"Yeah. I guess it gets hard to turn my brain off when I'm in there." I saw him smile a little but didn't understand why. "Is that funny?"
"Not at all. I'm just starting to understand Victor."
I felt like he was intentionally being cryptic. "What does that mean?"
"He just said that he didn't think we were that different."
I snorted. "Right." Benji didn't laugh. "You're kidding. You actually believe that?"
"Maybe." Benji let out a shaky breath. "Before I came out, I felt so alone."
"But you were so popular," I protested.
"Not really. I was always surrounded by people but that's not the same thing. I hated everything back then. There's a reason that Lucy is one of the few friends I have from before. I hated that it felt like I didn't have any real friends; I hated how fake everyone was; I hated that it felt like survival to pretend to like girls and pretend that the shitty people at Creekwood were great; I hated that I was embarrassed to be seen with Lucy in public because my 'friends' never understood why I'd want to spend time with her." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I hated myself."
I felt chills go down my back. "I never would have known."
"No, that's the point, isn't it? I was good at what I did. I was so good at pretending to be someone else. It was so much easier than being myself and opening myself up to all that hate. But it wasn't worth it."
I pulled the blanket tighter around myself. "I don't think I hate myself." Part of me felt like I needed Benji's validation. Like, he would be able to confirm that I didn't hate myself or maybe that I didn't have a reason to hate myself. Instead, he stayed silent. "I think that sometimes, it just feels inevitable." Still he didn't say anything. "Like, I feel like I'm eventually going to be someone I hate. Maybe I'm already on my way. I'm definitely becoming someone my mom hates." The moment the words were out, I froze because it was the first time I'd let myself so much as think them much less admit them out loud.
"There it is."
"Wow. I didn't even realize… how did you know?"
"I didn't. I just figured no one escapes from a place they feel safe and… I thought if I kept bugging you about it, you'd be able to figure out if you were escaping your apartment or –"
"Myself," I finished. "I… yeah." I heard an owl hoot in the distance. "My mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. She thinks I'm a bad kid, and I don't know if she's wrong. All the things she's mad about… She told Pilar that I could do better, she thinks I've changed, and I don't know how to make this better. She doesn't understand why keeping me locked inside is like the worst idea in history, and I can't tell her the truth. The truth would crush her."
"Hmmm."
"Can I ask you like an insanely personal question?"
Benji looked at me warily. "Yeah."
"Did you ever feel that way? I know you got there, but beforehand, did you know you were heading in that direction?"
He furrowed his forehead as he considered my question. "Not really. I think that I saw little pieces of what I was doing, but when you're just looking at little pieces, nothing seems like a big deal. Then, one day, all the pieces kind of came together, and I realized what I'd done and who I'd become. Trust me, you don't want to get there."
"I don't want to," I agreed. "But I don't know what I can do."
"The moment I let myself believe I was powerless, that's what I became. I didn't know how to talk about it or how to ask for help."
"What changed?"
Benji's face got still. It was almost eerie how devoid of emotion it looked. It didn't help that the moonlight made him look unnaturally pale. "I'm sorry."
"The thing you can't talk about?" He nodded. "Okay."
"The one thing I can say is that I did everything wrong. Even when I was pulling myself back together, I felt like I needed to do it alone. I don't know what you need, but I do know that you won't get it if you shut people out."
"I'm not shutting people out," I objected. He raised his eyebrows at me. "I'm not."
He raised his hands defensively. "Maybe I'm wrong. For me, that's what it was. By choosing what pieces of me I let people see, I wasn't letting them in." He sat up. "I'm going to say something, and you can do with it what you will. When we talked in May, you said that part of you didn't believe that your mom was going to stay okay."
"Did I?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yes. I remember it exactly. I don't know your mom, so I can't speak to what she can and can't handle, but I think you need to seriously consider whether she can't handle the truth or whether you can't. I know you want to protect her, but it seems to me like keeping this secret is hurting her more than anything else you could do. And…" He hesitated. "And it could be possible that it's really easy to make decisions for her; it's so much harder to trust her and open yourself up to be hurt. I haven't been where you're sitting, but I've been where your mom is. I know what it's like to feel like other people can't handle your stuff and like they're just waiting for you to slip up again. Those people felt bigger and louder than everyone else, and they made me feel like I couldn't do it and like I'd never be more than who I was at my worst. The people that believed in me and trusted me? They're a big part of the reason that I started to believe in myself and a big part of the reason that I'm okay now."
"Like Victor?" I guessed. Some things were starting to fall into place like Victor's weird flip-flopping advice when it came to my mom. I always figured that had been because he didn't know the right answer, but maybe it was because he knew what it was like to be in my position and to have to put that faith in someone.
My mind spun with possibilities, and I wasn't sure how it was possible that Benji had managed to keep whatever this thing was from the whole school. When everything went down with my mom, most people didn't know specific details, but they knew something had happened, and it had taken all of five seconds for everyone to know about my suspension. I hadn't heard so much as a rumor about Benji. Maybe it had been overshadowed by him coming out. Why look for more when there was already that?
"Like Victor," he confirmed. "And Lucy. For a while, it was just Lucy. I thought I was getting better then, but I was kind of standing still. Then Victor…" The smallest smile settled on his face. "It wasn't like he just believed in me. He was willing to fight for me and take the fall for me. I didn't think that would make a difference, but it did. I'm not saying we're exactly the same because I know your mom's Bipolar, but I guess I kind of feel for her. She didn't want this all to happen either. She wanted to be able to handle it on her own and it's so hard to admit that you can't. Now, she's trying to pull her life back together and… it's something that she has to do for herself, you know, and sometimes that makes it feel like you have to fight it yourself too."
"I just thought I should worth it, you know, but I was never enough for her to want to get better." It was partially where my feelings of inadequacy came from. She said she loved me more than anything, but until Lake forced her hand, it hadn't been enough for her to get help.
"You're not enough," Benji said bluntly. I stared at him because I hadn't been prepared for it. "But no one could be because it wasn't about you or anyone else. Your mom couldn't fix herself for other people. Maybe she started for you, but she had to want to do it herself too because, at the end of the day, she's the person that needs to live her life. I wish other people wanting it could be enough because that would be so much easier. You couldn't be the reason, but you can still help her."
"I don't get it." I hated to admit it because I could see how hard this was for Benji. He was getting increasingly fidgety and his hands were bunched into fists.
"It's like… when it's for other people, it works for a little while because you don't want to hurt them but eventually, what you're fighting gets to be too much if you don't actually want to be fighting it. I knew when what I was doing was hurting someone. I knew exactly what I could do to stop, but taking that step felt impossible and then I hated myself more, and it was even harder to take that step. It becomes this whole miserable cycle. And because I had to be the one to break the cycle, I thought that meant no one else could help, but it didn't. It was hard for me to accept that because it meant letting someone see the very worst of myself, but it was worth it." He looked surprised by his own admission. "I could be wrong and how she feels could be completely different, but there's also a chance that she wanted to be better for you but couldn't do it."
Benji gave me a lot to think about and didn't interrupt the pensive silence. I needed to reconcile all the pain I'd experienced with a brand-new explanation of why I might've experienced it. I wondered at the truth. Maybe it wasn't because I didn't measure up as her son but because there was something going on in her brain that she needed to work through.
I couldn't tell you how much time passed because it felt meaningless. I couldn't distinguish a second from an hour, but my racing heart began to slow down, and my head started to clear. When I actually felt okay, I knew I couldn't talk about this anymore. I couldn't imagine that Benji could have anything more to say about it, and he'd given me a lot to consider. I needed time to process. Maybe days. Maybe weeks, but I couldn't talk about this until I did.
So, when I spoke, it was an effort to get to know him more. Part of me felt this burning urge to know whatever secret he didn't feel like he could talk to me about and, I figured, if we talked more about him outside of his secret, maybe he'd be able to tell me one day. I was sure it didn't help that this was one of the first conversations we'd had without Victor.
"So, you're gonna be a therapist, right? I know Victor's always saying you're gonna teach, but you clearly found your calling with this."
"Ugh. Do you know how much extra school that is?" Benji asked.
It broke out as a quiet chuckle at first but pretty soon, I was getting air in between batches of hysterics. "So instead, you're choosing to be in school for the rest of your life?"
Benji chuckled along with me. When I calmed down, he said, "it's different. Once I get the annoying classes out of the way, I get to do the best part of school. I get to focus on art and when I'm working… I think I'll be able to help people that way. Sitting in an room and listening to people's problems and helping them work through that stuff is an important job, but I don't think it's my calling. Being in college a few extra years is definitely not my calling."
"But you're so good at it," I protested.
"There's more to it than that. Aren't you good at anything that you wouldn't want to do for the rest of your life?"
I actually had to think about that because I was struggling to think of anything I was good at. I was good at school, but I'd love to learn for the rest of my life. Maybe not formally, but I didn't think I'd ever just be done learning. Everything else, I felt like I was just okay at. "I'm not sure."
"You're annoyingly good at board games. Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?"
"Honestly, I feel like I'd love to do that if that was actually an option," I told him. "Hey, maybe I can manage your band if you make it big. I think I'd be pretty good at that."
He eyed me and frowned. "Didn't Victor tell you?"
"Tell me what?" I asked uncertainly.
"My band might make it big, but I won't be a part of it. I quit."
"What? Why?"
He shrugged. "I didn't like being on tour. I thought it was going to be the best experience of my life, and parts of it were, but a lot of it just sucked."
"Huh." In my head, Benji had been gone for eight magical weeks. Especially after hearing him talk about it on Monday, I'd just assumed he'd loved every second of it.
Tonight had been a confusing night and, when my exhaustion hit me and my eyes started to droop, I welcomed the chance to let my brain rest for a bit.
Pilar didn't answer me the next morning. She was at church when I went to see her before my shift and by the time I got out of work, Isabel let me know that she was over at Rahim's house.
I didn't actually talk to her until she intercepted me outside of her apartment after my shift on Monday. Benji must've given her a heads up that I left because she was waiting for me. Her forehead rested on her fists and if I didn't know better, I'd say she was praying. "Hey," I said softly so I wouldn't startle her.
She lifted her head and stumbled to her feet. She'd brought her crutches with her instead of coming out on her scooter, so she definitely didn't plan on being out here long. I tried to figure out how bad this could get. Surely, she wasn't breaking up with me. That would need more than the minute she could tolerate being on her crutches, right? She'd accepted so much without being daunted in the slightest, but was my mom blaming her for my problems her breaking point? "Hi." I could practically hear the melancholy in her voice, and I knew this wasn't going to be good. For a moment, she looked at me before she said, "do you want to come in?"
I really didn't. I wanted to prolong the inevitable, but I couldn't figure out an excuse. "Yeah." I held the door for her and followed her to her bedroom.
No one was home right now. Isabel would probably be home soon with Adrian, but we temporarily had complete privacy. Pilar firmly shut her door. It was a blatant disregard of the few rules her parents gave us, but it's not like we were going to do anything. We'd tried once and Pilar had managed to bruise me with her cast and hurt herself in the process, and we'd given up on any chance that we were going to even try until she was out of her cast.
I helped her to her bed then sat down on her desk chair. "I'm so sorry," I said before she could. "My mom was totally out of line. She didn't mean it." Pilar raised her eyebrows at me. "Okay, maybe she did mean it, but it's only because she doesn't know the truth."
"I know that," she told me softly. There was an unspoken blame behind her words. As if she wanted me to know that it was my fault, but she didn't want to verbalize it. I knew it was my fault, so it would make sense if she did too.
"I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do."
"I can't." She had that same sad tone. "You know what you can do, but you won't do it."
I hung my head. "I'm sorry." I didn't know if I'd tell my mom the truth. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about what Benji and I had talked about, but I was a far cry from figuring out what the right thing to do was. I wasn't going to tell Pilar until I was sure I could do it.
Pilar shrugged. "It's not your fault. This just sucks."
"It does," I agreed. "What do you want to do?" I knew what was coming. I wondered how she'd break up with me.
"I guess we keep trying to convince your mom that I'm not the devil incarnate," she said. "It might take some time, but if we're on our best behavior…
I looked up at her. "You don't want to break up?"
She looked at me as if the thought hadn't crossed her mind. "No. Of course not. Is that what you thought?"
"I don't know. I thought that maybe… I mean, I wouldn't blame you."
"You know, I hate when Victor's right."
"Victor?" I asked uncertainly.
"He called me yesterday. Well, he called Rahim who put him on speaker because I ignored him."
"Why did he call you?"
"To talk about you." She shifted so she was sitting at the edge of her bed. "Can you come sit here? I can't come to you." She waited until I sat next to her on the bed. "You told him I avoided you yesterday, right?"
"No."
She looked surprised. "Oh."
"What did he say?"
"That I wasn't being fair to you." She tucked a strand of her air behind her ear. "And that when you love someone, you fight for them no matter what." She squeezed my hand. "I don't want to give up on us. Your mom… I wasn't ready for that. It brought up a lot for me because I know I'm not for most people, but I thought your mom liked me. That's why I avoided you yesterday. I'm sorry."
I felt like it made no sense for her to be apologizing to me. "You don't need to be so –"
"Oh, shut up." She brought her hand to my cheek and pulled my head down a little before she kissed me.
When I kissed Pilar, it sometimes felt like my brain stopped being able to process multiple things. Kind of like everything revolved around Pilar and anything else ceased to exist.
It was a fleeting feeling today because Pilar's phone started to ring. She ignored it the first time, but when it rang again, she answered. "What could you possibly want?" she demanded. I didn't know who was on the other end, but I heard an indistinct response. Pilar sat up. "Are you serious?" Pilar paused a moment. "Okay, but why –" Whoever she was talking to must've interrupted her, and Pilar was quiet for a long time. "And you're not going to tell me why we absolutely have to do this?" Pilar frowned. "You owe me."
She hung up a minute later. "Who was that?"
"Victor." She rubbed her eyes. "He asked if I'd be able to hang out with Benji tonight. Apparently, he can't get out of whatever he's doing, and he doesn't think Benji should be alone. He invited Lake and Lucy too."
"Are you cool with that?"
"Are you?" she deflected.
I didn't know if this had to do with what we'd talked about on Saturday, but if I'd unintentionally dredged up his trauma, I felt the least I could do was be there. Things between Lake and I would probably always be a little bit weird in a we-used-to-sleep-together kind of way, but she was my friend. "I think that's a good idea. Maybe we can all watch a movie. It'll be fun."
"Maybe."
It was a little awkward at first. Mostly because Victor apparently decided to skip dinner to call Benji, so Benji disappeared into his bedroom for nearly an hour leaving the four of us to quietly sit in their living room. We made feeble attempts at small talk, but we really hadn't mastered being friends in a hangout setting yet. Definitely not in this particular hangout session.
Isabel looked surprised when she got home with Adrian. I'd been with Pilar since she'd gotten the call for Victor, and we realized at the same time that she'd never called her mom to let her know that there would be people here. She was used to me being over at this point but wasn't ready for Lake and Lucy. She probably didn't even realize Benji was here yet. "What's going on?" Isabel asked.
"We're hanging out with Benji," Pilar told her. "Apparently, Victor felt like he should be around people today but then called him so he couldn't be around people." She rolled her eyes. "Makes sense."
"Hey, he's not wrong," Lucy said defensively. "And you heard Benji. Victor only had a little time. I would've called him too if I wasn't here."
Isabel frowned. "Is Benji okay? Victor didn't mention anything when he called."
"Yeah. He'll be okay," Lucy told her. It dawned on me then that Lucy knew what this was about. "We're just going to keep him distracted tonight."
"Distracted." Isabel furrowed her eyebrows and an indecipherable expression settled on her face. "Well, don't let me get in your way. We can order out for dinner. Once you figure out what you want, just let me know." She went into Adrian's room.
Pilar turned to Lucy. "You know what's going on here," she accused. "You have to tell us."
"Yeah, good luck. She won't even tell me. Apparently only she and Victor make the cut," Lake said. She rolled her eyes. "And I'm under strict orders not to ask Benji about it."
"Why is this so top secret?" Pilar asked.
"You tell me, and I'll know," Lake said bitterly. "We're supposed to go to Lake Lanier the weekend after school starts, and Victor said we are uninvited if I make Benji feel even a little pressured to talk about it."
"You're uninvited," Lucy corrected. "I'll still be able to go, and I'll have that big king bed all to myself."
I'd known that Victor and Benji were going to the cabin, and I guess I should've realized that Lake and Lucy could've been invited. I didn't know why I felt weird about it.
I forced a smile on my face as Lake and Lucy got into a strange back and forth about Lake Lanier.
Benji came back a few minutes later. I averted my eyes when I realized he'd been crying. "What did Victor want?" Pilar asked.
"To talk about that tournament on Friday. Apparently, they're running them really hard this week. He has more training now because mandatory fun has been replaced with mandatory drills," Benji explained. The strange monotone quality to his voice was unsettling, and there was no doubt that he wasn't telling us the truth.
I knew Pilar was going to keep asking, so I intervened. "What's the plan?" I asked. "What do we want to do?"
"We could play Never Have I Ever," Lake suggested. I would put money on the fact that she would use that game to try to find out whatever this thing with Benji was.
"We cannot play a drinking game in my apartment," Pilar said. "My mom would kill us."
"I'm with Pilar, but maybe we could play a different game," Lucy suggested. "I don't know what you have."
"Not much here. We have Scattergories, Monopoly, Scrabble, and maybe a few others, but those are the only ones Adrian ever asks to play," Pilar told her.
"We can play whatever." Benji didn't look particularly enthused. For the first time, I wondered if he even wanted to be here or if he was doing it to give Victor peace of mind.
"Well, what do you want to do? This is your day, right?" Pilar asked.
"It really doesn't matter to me."
"I might have something if you want to mix it up a little," I said slowly. "When I was in middle school, my mom went through a phase where she thought she wanted to design board games." It was one of her manic periods and she'd bought about fifty games just to use their pieces for her various concoctions. At the time, I thought it had been a sign that she was getting better, but it had been followed by one of her worst depressive periods until the one she had last year. "There are some I've never even played if you want to dive in."
Benji still didn't look excited, but Lake and Lucy were excited enough for all five of us. Pilar offered to come with me, but we both knew that was a bad idea for many reasons. It was going to be hard enough for me to get in and out of my apartment without launching a huge fight because I hadn't even texted my mom with an excuse today.
She was sitting on the couch staring at the wall when I got in. She didn't say anything, but she turned her gaze to me the moment I entered. I felt self-conscious as I walked into our spare bedroom. Like many of her old hobbies, the board games she created that had survived her cleanse of the apartment were stacked in the closet.
I grabbed a few boxes without looking at the makeshift titles on the sides of the boxes. Most of them had been made by cutting and pasting letters from magazines and newspaper clippings. I'd joked to her once that it made them look like old ransom notes.
I seriously considered just walking out because my mom obviously wasn't going to say anything, but it felt incomplete. "I'm, uh, playing some games with a few friends at the Salazars. They wanted to try out some of the games you made." Still silence. "I'll probably be there a few hours." Nothing. Absolutely nothing. "Okay. Well, bye."
I had the door open before she spoke. "When did it stop?"
"When did what stop?"
"When did you acting like I'm your mother?"
I lingered in the doorway for a moment before I moved and let the door slam behind me. I had no idea how to answer her question. The truth is it was a long time ago. It wasn't her depressive episode last year either; it had started years ago. I loved my mom so much, but she wasn't wrong. I didn't really see her as my mom anymore. I saw her as my family but not my caretaker.
I didn't think that was a bad thing; it was just what was.
I gave myself a moment to compose myself before I went back into the Salazars' apartment.
It was a lot of fun. I thought it would carry on being awkward, but I think we got too competitive to notice the awkwardness. Benji eventually chose "Told Ya So", this game where we were given a random topic and had to create out own definition or explanation. Two points were awarded every round. One point went to the one that the dealer thought was the most believable and a "told ya so" point went to the person who was the closest to the actual answer.
Maybe I was just being oblivious to the awkwardness because once Lake won the first game (after spending the whole time complaining about how she didn't know what she was doing), I was too busy strategizing to notice much else.
I forgot how intricate my mom's games could get. The third game we played was one where we needed to work together to defeat the board game bully. Pilar had volunteered to be the bully. The board had originally been for Clue, but there were about a thousand different things, my mom had glued to the board to entirely change the landscape of the game. In each room, we could harvest something and then choose to attack, plea with, bribe, distract, or trick the bully. Each move helped us get closer to discovering the five characteristics of the bully. Once we figured out those, we all needed to get to the lobby to defeat him. The bully had a secret mission and if he did that before we defeated him, he won.
Lake stood up. "Okay, I'm out. I literally have no clue what's going on, and I have to get home." She gave Lucy a quick kiss. "See you tomorrow."
"You two didn't come together?" I asked surprised.
"We did," Lucy said without taking her eyes off of the board. She whispered something to Benji. He was also intently staring at the board. He shook his head and pointed at something in the library.
"I'm gonna take Lucy home and spend the night with her," he explained. "I also think I'm going to move to the kitchen and raid the cabinets for sugar to bribe the bully."
"No," Lucy argued. "Didn't we already rule out sweet tooth? I'm pretty sure sugar isn't the way to go." She peered at the list of characteristics.
"We didn't rule out sweet tooth," Benji protested. "Felix tried to bribe them with breath mints he found in the study, but we said that meant he didn't have smelly breath."
"Yeah, but before she quit, Lake distracted him chocolate covered hors d'oeuvres in the lounge."
They turned to look at me in unison. "Do you remember?" Benji asked.
"I don't have it crossed off, but I could be wrong." I was 99% sure I wasn't wrong, but I figured it would be better not to take sides because I'd watched them argue for nearly ten minutes earlier in the game and it had been over something as trivial as to whether they should hit the bully with a newspaper or a magazine to try to stun him.
"Why do I feel like you all forgot about me?" Lake muttered. "If anyone's listening, goodbye."
I waved to her as she left, but it didn't look like Benji or Lucy even heard her. Our game raged on. We could not figure out what Pilar's secret mission was for the life of us.
I honestly didn't realize how much time passed until Isabel came out to tell us we needed to go to bed. "No. I need like three more rounds to win," Pilar protested.
"You know that means the bully prevails," Benji pointed out. "And if you need three rounds, we'll just have to figure it out in two. We're just missing one characteristic."
Isabel had a confused look on her face as she blinked several times. "I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or if this is real, but it's almost one and you need to go to bed."
"It's almost one?" Benji confirmed. He looked at his watch. "It's tomorrow."
Lucy's hand covered his for a second. "It's tomorrow," she confirmed.
"Okay," Pilar said looking back and forth between them.
It definitely took us more than ten minutes to finish the game because it was well after two when I got back to my apartment, but it was worth it. I knew the night was for Benji, but I felt like I'd gotten almost as much out of it. It was nice to do something that took us away from this world for a few hours. I didn't know why but emerging into my mom's nonsensical imaginary world helped me make sense of my real world. It was like without the pressure to figure it out, I was able to begin to figure everything out. I wasn't fully there yet, but I could see things more clearly.
Knowing what the right thing to do was didn't make it easier to do it. I knew I needed to talk to my mom and that I probably needed to tell her a version of the truth that she'd be able to handle. I just wasn't sure which version that was yet. So, I avoided it.
I didn't see her at all on Tuesday because I had to rush to get to work in the morning and then went to Pilar's afterward.
"I had an idea," Pilar said excitedly once I was in. She gave me a quick kiss before she made her way to the kitchen. "I think that maybe we need to try to get your mom in a good mood."
"How?" I asked curiously. I didn't think we had a prayer of doing that, but Pilar must've felt pretty confident if her smile was an indicator.
"Banana bread."
I stared. "Banana bread," I repeated.
"Yeah. You said it's her favorite and I figure if we do something to show her that we care about her…" Pilar shrugged. "I get why she thinks I'm this bad influence. You are always here, and maybe I should be telling you to go home, but I can't do that." She sighed. "I figure if I'm going to keep making your life harder, this is the least I can do. I know it's not much, but it's something."
"You're not making my life harder," I told her seriously. "A lot of things and people have made my life harder, but you are not one of them. And maybe you're right. Maybe the key to my mom is banana bread."
I tried not to let my doubt show. I loved Pilar, but sometimes I wondered if she really understood where I was coming from. I knew it was partially that she felt so confined lately. Even with her scooter, she was struggling. She'd been on cloud nine for about a week before it had worn off. I think she needed to believe that this would work out because nothing else had been for her lately.
If she needed it to work out, I could do my part. Pilar had told me that she could bake, but it was something else to see her in action. She looked so natural as she navigated the kitchen and told me what I could do. She and Victor used to do it together when they were younger, but once Pilar had started middle school, she'd dropped the hobby. I got the feeling that she missed it even if she didn't specifically say that.
Her mom got home while I was mashing the bananas. I was instantly on edge mostly because Pilar was instantly on edge.
I guess it should've occurred to me that Pilar hadn't talked to her mom because I was with her all day yesterday, but I'd assumed she'd filled her in already. It was painful to hear her describe what had happened. It was hard to hear about the stress I'd caused her by refusing to pick this battle with my mom.
If my mom had been awake when I got home, I probably would've talked to her then and there because I felt like it was actually trying to claw out of me. It had been so easy to pretend that it was just hurting me until I'd seen Isabel's anger and witnessed Pilar's frustration. That was with them both holding back. I couldn't imagine the depth of their emotions.
As it was, when I got home from work the next day, she was waiting for me at our kitchen table. "Sit down, sweetie," she said softly, tapping the spot next to her.
I slipped into the seat. I didn't know how to start this. It turned out she didn't either, so after a long moment of silence, I cleared my throat. "Mom." It was all I could get out before I felt like I was choking.
Her hand came to mine. "It's okay." I shook my head. "I know I've been hard on you, and I'm so sorry."
I was entirely unprepared for this development. "What?"
"I shouldn't have…" She shook her head. "I… I've missed so much over the last few years, and I thought that… it doesn't matter."
"It does matter. What were you going to say?"
"Just that I've missed you and I thought if I held on tight –" Her hand squeezed mine. "That I wouldn't miss anymore. Instead, I pushed you away."
"You didn't," I told her. "I pushed myself away." She brought her free hand to my cheek and wiped away my tears. I let out a shuddery breath. Seriously, how did people do things like this? How did they simply not combust on the spot? "I know you want to know, and I do want to tell you, but I don't know how."
"That's okay. You don't have to tell me."
"I think I do. My friend told me I need to start to trust you. Does it make it harder for you when I don't?"
Part of me hoped that she would deny it because then I'd have the perfect out. Instead, she looked thoughtful. "Yes and no," she admitted. "It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough to convince you I'm okay now."
"It really scared me. When everything happened last year." I saw her stiffen and firmly shut my eyes. "Sorry."
"Say what you're thinking, baby."
"I just… I don't ever want that to happen to you again. I love you, and it was so hard to see you in that much pain. I was scared for you, scared we'd get evicted, scared that someone would realize that our power kept getting turned off because I missed the payments more than I made them. I didn't want to lose you. I thought you just needed time, so I tried to buy us some. I started doing homework for some of the kids at school – jocks, mostly, who needed the grades to play. I stopped a long time ago. As soon as I was sure that we were okay. This one kid asked me to write a paper for him in April, but I told him I didn't do that anymore. I'm still not sure why, but he told Ms. Albright. That's why I got suspended."
"Why didn't you just tell me that?" she asked.
"I didn't want you to think it was your fault or to somehow become a setback. You've been doing so well."
"I'm your mother. It's my job to take the blame here, especially when it was my fault." She looked at me intently. "I am not the same as I was in November. I want to be healthy; I love being healthy. I know you can't help it, but you don't have to worry about me. You can't hurt me with your honesty. The only way you can hurt me is by not trusting me and hurting yourself in the process."
"That's kind of what my friend said," I admitted. God, I hated that Benji was right.
"It was sweet of Pilar to defend me. Especially after what I said."
Oh. Oh no. I honestly didn't know how to fix that. I mean, if I told her it hadn't been Pilar, then she'd know someone other than the Salazars knew and she'd probably go back to hating Pilar. But if I didn't tell her… I didn't know what the right thing to do was.
When my mom hugged me, I squeezed my eyes shut. I could practically hear her words bouncing around my head until they were the only things that existed. The only way you can hurt me is by not trusting me. "Um… Pilar has been great with this whole thing, but I actually got advice from a different friend. He… he said he could understand how you've been feeling and how you probably wanted me to trust you more than anything in the world. I'm sorry that I told him. I just… I didn't know what to do."
To my surprise, she didn't look upset. "He's right." Her eyes seemed to bore into me as if their intensity was proof of her truth. "More than I want anything, I want you to trust that it's real this time and that I'm doing things differently this time. I want to be mad, but what happened to me happened to you as well, and I'm glad you have people you trust." She clasped one of my hands in both of hers and asked, "why don't you invite Pilar over for dinner tomorrow night? I think I owe her an apology and I want to do it before you go to Victor's tournament."
I stared. "You mean, I can go?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yes." She let go of my hand to wipe under her eyes. "You can go, and you should be there. The Salazars… they're your family too." I could see that wasn't easy for her to say. "I shouldn't try to keep you away from them."
"Thank you," I said softly. I hugged her again because I honestly didn't know what else to do. I couldn't say that they weren't my family because they were. I didn't know what she wanted to hear, but I was sure I couldn't give it to her.
The next morning, Benji was covering for Sarah. He'd taken over Victor's usual shift once he got back, so we never overlapped. "Wow. Twice in one week. Is it my birthday?"
Benji snickered. "Sarah's niece is turning two today and she forgot. She texted me last night."
Honestly, I loved working with Benji. I always felt like Sarah was watching me and was ready to critique, but he was so much more flexible with stuff like that. That and my conversation with my mom last night put me in a better mood than I'd been in in a long time.
It didn't escape Benji's notice. "You look happy," he observed.
"I talked to my mom last night. If you say I told you so…"
He bit his lip and looked highly amused. "I'm not going to say it. How'd it go?"
"You were right," I admitted. "Once I told her the truth, she was really great about it. We both got a lot out last night."
He didn't say "I told you so" but looked very smug, so I knew he was thinking it. "That's great."
It really was. When Pilar came over for dinner, she barely let my mom get her apology out before she accepted it. Then, to my surprise, she offered an apology of her own. My mom looked as dumbfounded as I felt. Pilar apologizing for any role she played in what happened over the last few months… as if she had anything to do with it.
I thought it would be a while before we were truly okay between all of us, but this was a start.
Things were so different after that. I think I started to feel less… trapped in my apartment. Maybe it was because I wasn't constantly worried that I'd say or do the wrong thing that would send my mom down a spiral, but the apartment suddenly seemed bigger. Like it could hold both of us and everything that had happened.
I made an active effort to spend more time at home, which meant that two days after the tournament, I hosted a movie night at my place. It was surreal to have Victor and Benji meet my mom, but I thought it went well.
Pilar got her cast off on Monday (finally!). She was literally walking circles around the living room when Victor and Benji got back from their shift. Granted, she had to use her crutches because her leg couldn't support her right now and she was in a big, clunky boot (her words). Apparently, she had muscle loss or something like that. She had some physical therapy ahead of her.
I wasn't surprised to see Benji anymore. It seemed like they alternated between whose house they slept at these days. I didn't know how Victor's parents were so cool with that, but if it caused any tension, they hid it well.
"Okay, I have an idea," Victor said. "I think you should invite Rahim here on Wednesday to celebrate getting your cast off."
Pilar paused in her pacing. "Why?" she asked suspiciously.
"Do you remember my friend Jared?"
"Yes," Pilar said slowly.
"Well, he's free on Wednesday too, and I thought I could invite him over. Benji and I are working that morning and I thought maybe we could plan for the afternoon and see what will happen."
Pilar looked at me, but I had no idea what Victor was getting at.
"Victor wants to play matchmaker when we get off of work," Benji said. "And he's worried you're gonna say no."
"I am going to say no."
"Oh, come on. I think they'd be really great together," Victor told her. "And you said yourself that Rahim needs to move on after TJ."
"No offense, but you're not exactly the expert on things like this."
"I've been with Benji over a year," he protested. "Back me up." He turned to Benji.
Benji shook his head. "I already told you I'm not gonna get in the way but don't loop me into this. It's cool that you want to help Rahim find a boyfriend, but I cannot be a part of it." He was jealous. It was so weird to see Benji jealous. He'd talked about it, but I was seeing it in action right now.
Victor sighed. "I just meant that you know better than anyone that I know a thing or two about this."
"Okay, how about this. Admit that the girl in the orthopedic office this morning was flirting with you," Pilar said. "Then I'll consider this."
"She wasn't flirting with me. She was just being friendly," Victor said exasperatedly.
"She told you that she could tell from your muscles that you played a sport," Pilar pointed out.
"That doesn't mean anything!"
Benji snorted and looked away. "Victor, I love you, but your sister's right. I wasn't even there, and I know she was flirting."
"You're supposed to be on my side," Victor told him.
Benji looked at the floor for a moment. "You are oblivious about a lot of things," he said. "But I also think you're right about this. I do think Jared and Rahim…" He turned to Pilar. "Please let him try this. He's literally been talking about it since he met Jared. If you care about me at all, you will let him do this."
Pilar groaned. "You're lucky I like you," she grumbled. "If this doesn't work out, I'm never listening to you again. Got it?"
"It'll work out," Victor said confidently.
I was at work before their plan went into motion, but Rahim and Jared came into Brasstown a few hours after my shift started.
Rahim groaned. "We were never here, okay? Victor and Pilar can't know. Also, we'll take two Salazar Specials." I resisted the urge to make a face. I hated making that drink. Part of it was that I was almost always working with Sarah so it wasn't an option because she would definitely fire me, but the other part was how much went into it. Then there was the whole matter of how much I should charge for it.
"Why can't they know?" I asked while I got to work on their coffees.
Rahim and Jared exchanged a look. "We wanted to get them back for not telling us this was a set up."
"Why?" I asked uncertainly. "Don't get me wrong. I'm sure it's annoying to have someone willing to fight with his boyfriend and his sister because he thinks the two of you would be good for each other but –" I cut myself off when I saw Rahim's look. "But you look like you didn't know that."
"That's because they were hiding in Pilar's bedroom and spying on us," Rahim told me. "We didn't know this was Victor's idea."
Jared raised his hand. "I thought it was."
Rahim rolled his eyes as I rang them up. I never knew what to charge him, so I put in for a latte with an extra pump of flavor. "Cut him some slack," I said as I pushed the coffees toward them. "He just wants you to be happy."
They took the coffees and left. When I stopped by to see Pilar for a few minutes after my shift, it didn't look like Rahim and taken my advice because Pilar immediately filled me in on the "disaster". I really wanted to tell them, but I figured it was Rahim's choice.
"Where's Benji?" I asked to change the subject.
"Home," Victor said like that should've been obvious.
"Oh. I thought the two of you were attached these days."
Pilar snorted, and Victor glared at her. "We saw each other twice in ten weeks. Sorry if we missed each other."
"You're obsessed. Are you sure you can last the whole night without him?" Pilar asked sarcastically.
"You're not one to talk," Victor tossed back.
"Okay." I stood up. I had a feeling they were about to get into one of their legendary arguments, and I did not want to be here if it was somehow going to include me. "I should probably get going." I gave Pilar a quick kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"I'll walk you up," Victor offered. I thought it was weird for him, but I figured he maybe wanted to convince me that he wasn't, in fact, obsessed with Benji.
"Okay. Yeah."
He didn't say anything until we were outside my door. "Um, so, hey. I just wanted to give you a heads up. Benji and I are dropping Adrian off at his friend's house tomorrow before we take my parents out for dinner."
"Okay," I said slowly.
"We'll probably be gone a few hours."
"Cool. Have fun."
Victor shifted uncomfortably. "So, no one will be home."
"Okay," I said uncertainly.
"And you and Pilar will have the apartment all to yourselves."
It clicked. "Oh." Victor wasn't looking me in the eye, so I knew he was almost as embarrassed as I was. I shuffled uncomfortably. "Are you cool with that?"
"Honestly? No," Victor told me. "But it's up to you and Pilar. Not me. Just please… don't tell me about it. I really don't need to hear about you and her."
"Not a word," I promised. It was going to be so different to not be able to share this with him, but I understood. I'd probably find it weird too. "Would it be weird to say thank you."
Victor chuckled. "Definitely. But you're welcome."
He went home a second later, and I suddenly wished he'd told me when I was still in their apartment so I could talk to Pilar because we definitely needed to talk now. Her mom being off of work sucked right now. Aside from the occasional errand she needed to run and some meeting she had Monday morning so she couldn't take Pilar to her appointment, she was ALWAYS home. ALWAYS.
We'd figured we were going to have to wait until her mom was back to work. It took actual effort to try to look calm and normal while I had dinner with my mom. I think she could tell I was a little keyed up, but I couldn't begin to figure out what she might think that was about. When I couldn't wait any longer, I told her I needed to take a walk. It wasn't a lie, and I couldn't exactly tell her that I needed to talk to Pilar.
I texted Pilar and asked her if she could meet me outside. I wasn't sure how she was going to do with stairs because she was still in her boot, but she met me outside just a few minutes later. "Care for a walk, milady?" I offered her my hand.
Pilar tried very hard not smile, but I thought she secretly enjoyed it. "Dork," she teased. She accepted my hand anyway. We didn't walk very far. I hadn't noticed her limping earlier, but she was noticeably limping now. The first chance we had to sit down, we took it. "Sorry. I don't know why it's been hurting today."
"Probably because you've been on it too much," I pointed out. I held her crutches while she helped herself to the bench seat. She'd sworn that her doctor hadn't restricted her putting weight on her foot. Victor had corroborated her story but had added that she'd nearly fallen the first time she stood up sans cast and that her doctor had probably thought that made it obvious enough that she needed to take it easy. She had her first physical therapy appointment next week, and I was so sure they were going to be mad at her, but she was blissfully in denial.
"If you asked me out here so you could yell at me, I'll go back in."
"No, that's not why. Um, Victor talked to me earlier."
"About what?" she asked curiously.
"You. Me. Us."
"Why would Victor talk to you about us?"
"I guess Adrian's having a sleepover with his friend tomorrow. And Victor and Benji are taking your parents out to dinner."
"We'll have the apartment to ourselves," Pilar said.
"You picked up on that way quicker than I did."
She shrugged. "Victor probably did a pretty bad job of getting the point across. Are you… are you ready for that?"
"Are you kidding? I've been ready for like six months," I told her. "The universe has just conspired against us. Are you?" She'd been ready a couple months ago, but maybe she'd had time to second guess her decision.
"Yes." Her word seemed to carry so much more than an affirmation. It carried certainty and confidence. Her hand covered mine. "I… I can't believe this is going to happen. I honestly was starting to worry that it wasn't going to happen."
"Me too. I do have one request."
"What?" she looked at me curiously.
"Please do not climb on any furniture between now and tomorrow."
Pilar laughed. "I promise."
We stayed outside a few more minutes. Pilar rested her head on my shoulder, and it was one of those rare perfect moments. We didn't talk; we didn't need to. We just sat there and enjoyed the peaceful silence.
Victor opened with me the next day. Benji must've taken the day off because, while he came in, he didn't work. He mostly spent the whole morning whispering back and forth with Victor. It worked for me because I was too preoccupied to try to make small talk.
It didn't dawn on me until Victor passed Sarah her keys that he'd essentially been the acting manager that morning. It was still so weird to me that he was still an assistant manager, and I wasn't sure how they'd swung that, especially considering they almost always worked together. Maybe they split the responsibilities, or maybe Victor was only occasionally assistant manager. We spent approximately no time talking about work, so I wasn't sure. I made a mental note to ask him when he didn't look like he wanted to throw up.
It was another few hours before I was free from work, and I almost wish I'd agreed to the shorter shift, so I could've left with Victor. Sarah was… intense some of the time (a.k.a. all of the time), and it made time move slower.
When I got home, I got ready and spent nearly an hour figuring out what I wanted to wear. I knew exactly what Pilar would have said if she was here. She would've told me that I was overthinking this and, if she was feeling bold, she'd tell me I'm not going to be in these very long anyway.
When I felt it was a socially acceptable amount of time to be early, I went down to Pilar's apartment. I could feel my excitement mounting. I'd literally been waiting for this moment for months.
Pilar was… breathtaking. I couldn't even look past her smile. She was the most beautiful woman on this planet.
I followed her inside, and she led me to the kitchen table. It was set with two places. "Did you make lasagna?" I asked surprised.
"I know it's not much, but it was the best I could do."
"It's perfect." She honestly could've prepared cardboard for our dinner, and I wouldn't have cared. "I thought we were ordering something?"
"I know that's what we said yesterday, but I needed to do something."
"Everything okay?"
She nodded. "My mom's just stressed because their renewal's in two days which means we're all stressed." Oh. That's probably why Victor was so weird earlier.
"Isn't everything done for that?"
"Everything that we can have done today, but now they're calling for rain and it's supposed to be outside." Pilar sighed. "I'm sure we'll figure something out, but you'd think the world was ending the way she talks about it. Thank God Victor's distracting them tonight because, otherwise, she'd be driving us all crazy. Trust me."
While we ate, we mostly talked about school. It was so hard to believe that the year would be starting in four days. It didn't feel real; I couldn't figure out where our summer had gone.
I thought it would hit me after dinner and I'd start to feel awkward, but it never happened. When Pilar led me to her bedroom, it felt natural. It felt amazing.
Maybe it had been good that we'd had to wait so long for this moment because I didn't feel any of the insecurities I expected to. We'd talked so much about this over the last few months; I thought it meant I got a lot of the nerves out slowly, and I couldn't feel like I didn't know what to expect from this. I mostly felt like I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Pilar loved me and that she wanted this just as much as I did.
Eventually, even the few thoughts I'd been capable of thinking melded into one incoherent jumble. There was only me and Pilar.
Afterward, we laid together in a sleepy silence. I had trouble keeping my eyes open and I must've drifted off because suddenly Pilar was shaking me. "My parents are going to be home soon," she whispered. I hadn't been aware of her getting out of bed. "Felix." She shook me again.
I blinked several times and shot up when her words hit me. "How soon?"
"Victor just texted me that they parked."
That got me moving. I threw on my clothes, and we'd just sat down on the couch with a split second for Pilar to turn on the TV before the door opened. I had no idea what we looked like, but I thought Armando looked suspicious. Or maybe I just expected them to see how different I felt now.
Isabel made it clear that it was time for me to go, and I didn't protest. I kissed Pilar before I left. "Love you," I murmured.
She squeezed my hand. "Love you too." She stood up on her toes to kiss me again. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, and I really didn't want to.
