~ Chapter 11: Rahim ~
I was sitting in the hallway outside of Ryker's bedroom. That's right – Ryker's bedroom. They had their own space in my house. It had taken less than a month for us to stop calling our guest bedroom the spare room and to start calling it Ryker's room. My mom had painters come in and had bought some furniture to make it Ryker's space. Her exact words were that we should "spruce up" the guest room anyway. Then she'd talked to me about whether I was comfortable with them trying to make this a more permanent arrangement.
It had taken a while to find a groove but even then, I thought Ryker had constantly been on edge that their parents were going to show up and whisk them away. That's what made today so exciting. My mom insisted that she wanted to talk to them herself because she didn't want me pressuring them and my insistence that Ryker would say yes in a millisecond fell on deaf ears.
Ryker living here was… amazing. I didn't think either of us knew what to expect when I'd marched in my front door over two months ago. When Ryker and I had left Boardners, I'd forgotten something very, very important: I'd snuck out. To my parents' knowledge, I was fast asleep in my bedroom. I'd meticulously staged it to look like that. They were way more concerned about the fact that I'd snuck out than about the fact that they were meeting my nonbinary friend who'd gotten kicked out of their house and needed to stay with us. They hadn't hesitated with that one. No, they'd been on board, and then they'd grounded me… for a long time. It was fine though because I had Ryker, so I was essentially grounded with my best friend. I still wasn't sure it was a punishment because I had an excuse to not do things AND unlimited time with Ryker.
Technically, I was still grounded. I say technically because I thought they actually forgot that I was grounded. In defense of them, they had a lot going on. To everyone's surprise, Ryker's parents had agreed to sign over temporary guardianship (or something like that; my parents had been talking to a lawyer). They'd thought it was going to be a whole legal battle, but the moment our lawyer had reached out, they'd agreed.
After my parents added their signature to the document and got it validated by a judge (or something like that), they would legally be Ryker's temporary guardians for at least six months. Hopefully longer. I didn't foresee the situation with Ryker's actual parents changing, so I had a feeling it might become a permanent arrangement. I simultaneously hoped it would and wouldn't.
It was like having the non-gender specific sibling I'd always longed for… not that Ryker could ever replace the sibling I didn't have.
I'd thought it was going to be so awkward having Ryker in every intimate detail of my life. There were some things that almost no one knew, and Ryker was suddenly privy to it all. It was awkward, but it really bonded us together. Maybe there weren't any secrets between us because the loss of privacy was a two-way street. Maybe Ryker knew my whole family history now and I knew the secrets they'd managed to keep hidden from parents that didn't know to look for a problem.
Maybe it was meant to be that way. In a weird way, the lack of privacy actually led to me feeling way more comfortable in my skin. Kind of like it was freeing for someone to know everything and still see me as Rahim if that made sense.
I wondered what my mom could possibly be talking to Ryker about for this long. She'd been in there with them for over an hour.
When Ryker and my mom finally emerged from Ryker's bedroom, it was clear Ryker had been crying, but I thought it had been a happy cry if the smile on their face was anything to go on. "What's the verdict?" I asked.
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you were part of the conspiracy," Ryker said. "Thank you so much. I don't know what to say other than… thank you for welcoming me into your home and doing this."
"You don't need to thank us. I'm just sorry we couldn't get through to your parents." I knew how much my parents, specifically my mom, had tried to convince Ryker's parents that they should love their child no matter what. I honestly hadn't known my parents very well before Ryker moved in and every day, I realized how lucky I was. Not every parent felt the way my parents did. To them, their love for me was more important than anything and they hadn't hesitated to extend that love toward Ryker. I had been so wrong about them.
My mom hugged Ryker a moment before she took off down the hallway. Ryker gestured me inside their bedroom, and I took up position on their bed. "Welcome to the family," I said with a grin. I could see the gift bag sitting on their desk. "Do I get to find out the big secret now?"
Ryker shook their head. "Trust me, it's nothing you need to know."
That really made me want to know. "Please. My mom treated it like it was top secret."
"She just got me some clothes," Ryker told me. "When she took me shopping at the beginning of summer, I'd mentioned something that I'd always wanted but could never ask my parents for, and she remembered. I can't believe this. I freaking love your parents."
"They're pretty great. Are you up for a celebration?"
They cocked their head. "How exactly do you plan to do that? We don't have fakes anymore."
"That's because someone developed a moral compass," I grumbled.
"Because your parents deserve that," they said softly. "That's not a judgment on you, but it would have been so much easier for them to kick me out and tell me to figure out how to deal with my problems. Instead, they've helped me work through them. They pay for me to see a therapist. I thought you ruined everything when you told them what you walked in on, but I think you saved me."
"I didn't know what else to do," I whispered. I still felt like I'd handled that whole thing wrong, but I'd been so unprepared to walk in on Ryker cutting themself. I'd panicked. Their insistence that it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't need to tell anyone, and that it was "just a thing" they did sometimes only scared me more. I hated that I didn't have the answers, and I knew they needed help that I couldn't give them. A few days later, I told my parents what had happened. It had been the biggest fight Ryker and I had ever had; they'd essentially locked themself in their bedroom and ignored me for a full week.
"No, you were right. They needed to know. I only got so angry because I thought they wouldn't let me stay here anymore, and I'd just started feeling like I had a home." They covered my hand with theirs for just a moment. "Thank you. For everything. For choosing me over our friendship, for letting me in. I think this is the first time I've really felt like I have a family. God, you're turning me into a mess."
"You brought it up!"
They wiped their eyes on the sleeve of their shirt. "You can't blame me. I found out I got pseudo adopted today. And now I'm stuck the worst brother," they told me.
"Well, you're the worst sibling," I tossed back. I wrapped my arm around them. "I was serious about celebrating. We can text the degenerates and see if they'll hang out here instead. You haven't seen them in a while." I missed them too, but I knew they'd been Ryker's lifeline for a long time before I met them.
They shook their head. "I really don't want to see Riley."
I didn't know exactly what had happened between the two of them because Ryker wasn't sure how their fight had gotten started. All they knew was that they'd apparently said the wrong thing and Riley had flipped.
"Okay, not Riley. We can just celebrate the two of us."
"Invite Pilar," they suggested. "It's your celebration too, and we probably should get her out of her apartment. You said she sounded pretty bad when she called you yesterday."
"You sure you're cool with that?"
"Yeah."
It took zero effort to convince Pilar that she should hang out with us and even less effort to convince my mom that I should be able to borrow the car to go pick her up. She was waiting outside when I got there.
She was using her crutches which was bizarre, but I guessed that Felix was probably working, so he couldn't help her down the stairs with the scooter.
"Is Felix joining us after work?" I asked once she got in the car.
"Nope." She didn't elaborate, and I didn't push her.
"Guess just the three of us are going to have to party it up then," Ryker said while I was driving.
"Why are we… partying it up?" Pilar asked.
I glanced at Ryker. "Do you want to tell her, or do you want me to?"
"It's my news. I'll tell her." Ryker shifted in her seat so she could look back at Pilar. "Rahim's parents are officially my legal guardians… temporarily."
"What does that mean?" Pilar asked uncertainly.
"It means that for the next six months, they get to act as my guardians. If something happens at school, they'll be the ones that are notified. Anytime that anyone would have to talk to one of my parents, they'll talk to Rahim's parents. And…" Ryker trailed off. I honestly wasn't sure what they were going to say. "For the next six months, I am free from my parents."
"They can't terminate it early?" Pilar asked.
Ryker shook their head. "No. They'd need to prove to a court that the circumstances that led to me leaving have changed, so unless they magically wake up and accept me… they won't get back guardianship of me."
"I didn't even know that was a thing," Pilar said.
"Me neither," Ryker admitted. "But one of Rahim's mom's friends is a family lawyer and he's been helping them out. She did everything by the book, and I guess that ended up being a good thing because a judge just has to sign off on it and then it's official."
"You must be so excited."
"I mean, now I'm stuck with Rahim, but the rest is pretty cool."
"Hey. I am the best big brother you've ever had."
"Big brother?" Pilar asked.
"By 42 days and you'd think it made him king," Ryker complained.
I'd forgotten how the two of them together always turned into gang-up-on-Rahim time. "Would the two of you like to walk home?" I asked.
"Aw but what would your mom say if you left me on the side of the street?" Ryker teased. "I'm the not-daughter she never had."
"Wait, is that what she called you?"
"It was really sweet. She said that she didn't want to misgender me." They turned back to Pilar. "Do you remember that thing we were looking up but found out they were kind of expensive for two people with almost no money, and we also would have had to pay for shipping?"
"The thing we looked for at Walmart and that oblivious guy sent us to the school supply section?" Pilar confirmed.
Ryker chuckled. "Yeah. Well, she got me a few."
"Oh my God. That's huge!" Pilar said excitedly. "How do you feel?"
"Like me," Ryker said.
"Please don't explain yourselves," I said sarcastically.
Ryker and Pilar both laughed. "I mean, I think we're being vague because it would probably make you uncomfortable."
"Why do you think that?"
"It's a boob thing," Pilar told me. I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
That had been the last thing I expected. "What boob thing sends you to the school supply section?"
"The temptation to let you Google 'boob thing school supplies' and let you be scarred for life," Ryker said. "Your mom got me some binders."
"That's the big secret? I knew she got you some because she wanted to know what design you might wear for the tank top one." Ryker looked shocked. "What?"
"Nothing. Just, you acted like the world was ending when we talked about our periods, but this you're cool with?"
"Okay, talking about your period is way different than talking about clothes, and I stand by that. Objectively, periods are gross. Your body is literally excreting blood which… ew. Even you said it was nasty." I wasn't wrong, and I was totally prepared to die on that hill, but Ryker and Pilar dropped it.
They actually laid off me until Victor called me. I didn't notice right away because he called when I was grabbing some popcorn from the kitchen. "Hold on. I missed a call. I'll be right back."
"Ignore him," Ryker said.
"No. It could be important." I actually was a little nervous to call him because I knew today was his only day with Benji, so why was he calling me?
"Who is it?" Pilar asked.
"Victor," Ryker told her. "Rahim is apparently definitely over him but still acts like this whenever he calls."
"I am over him," I told them. I knew Ryker didn't understand especially because I couldn't explain it. I was over him, but I still had something for him; he was one of my best friends. I loved Ryker and Pilar and all the people I'd met at Boardners, but Victor… he got me in a way they couldn't because I felt like he got every part of me.
I didn't give Ryker a chance to say anything else before I ran up the stairs to my room. I called him back, and he answered right away. "Hey." He didn't sound like he was in imminent danger.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"I know Sundays are your days with Benji."
Victor chuckled softly. "He's sleeping. He was up late last night and barely made it through lunch."
"So, you just thought you'd call me?" I asked.
"I do have ulterior motives, but I also wanted to catch up."
"What are the ulterior motives."
"I need to talk to Pilar."
"Why don't you just call her?"
"I tried. She's not answering me."
"Ah. So you need me to be the messenger." I tried not to sound insulted.
"Sort of. She and Felix are fighting… I think; I just want to make sure she's okay. And… I miss you. We only got to talk for like five minutes in the last few weeks."
I sighed. "I miss you too."
I expected him to ask me to bring him to Pilar right away, but he must've meant that he wanted to catch up because his first request was, "tell me about things. How are you doing? How's Ryker?"
We talked for nearly forty minutes before I brought my phone downstairs. I didn't have much to share. I was pretty boring these days, but Victor was essentially living the life over in Athens.
"You're in trouble," I sang to Pilar when I got downstairs. I put my phone on speaker. "She can hear you now."
"What's going on?" Pilar looked at the phone like she expected it to turn into a live snake… actually, she probably wouldn't hate that. She looked like it was going to turn into one of those cards that sang to you – she'd said that she was pretty sure they were their own form of torture.
"I was going to ask you that," Victor said dryly. "I heard you had a shitty night."
"Did Felix rat me out?" she demanded.
"No, but what's going on?"
Pilar made a face. "Nothing."
"Pilar," Victor warned.
"Turn of the dad voice. It's not gonna work." Pilar sounded genuinely angry which surprised me because while she and Victor bickered all the time, I'd never actually seen them mad at each other.
Victor was quiet for a moment. "Fine, don't talk then. But listen. I know what Dawn said is really shitty, but –"
"So, you're on her side?" Pilar interrupted incredulously.
"I am always on your side. Always," Victor said firmly. "But I don't think there are sides to take here."
"Aren't there?" Pilar asked bitterly.
"No but put yourself in his shoes. He already feels like he's losing his mom, and now he thinks he's losing you."
Pilar looked at the phone with genuine confusion. "What are you talking about?"
I was just as confused as her when Victor's next words were, "good morning."
"What –" Pilar started.
She didn't get to ask her question because Victor said, "you can go back to sleep if you're still tired." He paused for a second. "Nah. I'm talking to Pilar." Then, "yeah."
There was another pause, then I could hear a loud yawn and Benji asked, "when's Jared getting back?"
"Not until curfew."
"Sweet. So, we have more time." When he spoke again, he sounded much clearer, so one of them must've moved. "Hey." A few seconds passed. "This is fun."
I couldn't help my laugh and immediately covered my mouth with my hands. Victor had only told Benji that he was talking to Pilar, so I wasn't sure if he knew I was here.
"Stop," Victor warned. He let out what I could only describe as a giggle. "Sorry. I don't remember what we were talking about before Benji woke up."
"I don't actually think we were talking about the same thing," Pilar said slowly. "You said something about Felix losing me."
"Aren't you avoiding him?" Victor asked.
"I mean, a little, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"Are you going to break up with him?" Benji cut in.
"No. Why would I?"
"Do you think –" Victor started.
"I don't know," Benji told him.
"We have to, right?"
"Not everything."
"No, but the one thing."
"I want to go on record and say I hate both of you," Pilar said, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Sorry," they said in unison. I had a feeling Victor muted himself because there was complete silence for nearly a minute.
"Okay. Can you go somewhere so you're not with Rahim and Ryker?" Benji asked. "No offense."
It was kind of hard not to be offended when we were singled out, but Pilar grabbed my phone, stumbled to her foot with her crutches, and hobbled down the hallway.
"What was that about?" Ryker asked.
"Honestly, I have no idea."
When Pilar came back, she let herself fall onto the couch and let out an exaggerated groan. "I know this is supposed to be a celebration, but can I run something by you?"
"Please," I said eagerly. I was pretty sure Ryker was as eager as I was to know what was going on.
"Felix is grounded. He's been grounded pretty much since May and keeps getting grounded more because he keeps hanging out with me. Last night, his mom told me it's my fault and that I'm not good enough for him. I just need some space after that, but Benji and Victor think Felix is worried that I'm going to break up with him. They're overreacting, right?"
I glanced at Ryker. "So, you two fought and you've been avoiding him all day?" I confirmed. "Yeah, I'd say they're probably right."
Pilar groaned. "We didn't fight."
"Then why are you avoiding him?" I pressed.
She frowned. "I'm not… or I am, but it's because I don't know what to do. I thought Dawn liked me, and she's secretly hated me this whole time."
"I mean, that sucks, but maybe don't take it out on Felix," Ryker said. They sat up and pulled their legs up to their chest. "Trust me. It's so confusing and scary when you have parents that… are less than their best. When you're fighting with the people you care about on top of that, even if you're not fighting and that's just how it feels, it becomes a whole thing." Their hand traced the top of their thighs. "Sometimes, it feels like too much. I'm lucky. I have Rahim and obviously, Felix has Victor, but… I think it's probably hard for the one person you can lean on to be an hour away when it feels like everyone else in your life hates you."
Pilar looked surprised. I had no idea what she was thinking because all she said was, "I'll talk to him tomorrow."
"Now that we've killed the mood, what do we want to do?" I asked to end the awkward silence.
"I'd say we should go out somewhere, but…" they motioned to Pilar's cast. "I think that ship has sailed."
We ended up not doing much. We ordered some food and sat around in my living room talking about the most ridiculous and nonsensical things. At some point, our earlier tense conversation was forgotten, and we simply tired ourselves out. Ryker was fast asleep, and Pilar and I were sitting next to one another on my couch, both of us doing our own thing on our phones. Pilar's head rested on my shoulder and every now and then, I could feel a yawn ripple through her. Her cast was propped on one of our ottomans. She hadn't asked about me driving her home, and I wasn't sure if her plan was going to be to stay the night. We were getting dangerously close to her curfew.
"You are over him, right?" Pilar asked quietly.
I knew what she was asking, but I responded with, "huh?" simply in the hopes of avoiding this conversation.
She did not get the hint. "Victor."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm as over him as I'll ever be."
"What does that mean?" Pilar shifted away from me. She pulled her leg up so her foot rested on the knee of her bad leg.
I sat cross-legged on the couch. "I mean that… I don't want to be with him anymore. Even if it didn't work out with him and Benji, I think I'd want to keep being just his friend."
"You think?" she pressed.
"Yeah. I hope that's what I'd do." I looked up at my ceiling for a moment. "I don't think I'll have to find out."
"I don't think you will either. You know, they talked to my parents last week about how they want to get married and have kids one day. I was listening from my bedroom."
"That doesn't surprise me." Victor had always been really intense about Benji. I couldn't imagine being that sure of someone.
"But… let's say they did break up. You're not sure if you'd want to be with him?"
"I like to think I'd be mature enough to know that's what's best for both of us, but… I think part of me is always going to like him a little." I looked away from her because shame flooded me. My feelings weren't strong, not like they'd been in the beginning, but they were there. "I don't want to, but he was the first guy I ever liked… at least, the first one I liked in real life."
Pilar sighed. "I hate to say it because I know how much Victor cares about you, but maybe it would be better if you put some space between the two of you."
"No," I said firmly. "I promise, it's not that bad. I'd rather be his friend and have to suck this up than not have him in my life."
She looked troubled. "Why?"
I didn't have to think about her question; I'd made enough excuses to myself this past summer to justify how close we'd gotten since he started tutoring me in March. "Because despite how much I used to wish your brother was a shitty person, he's not. I like being his friend, and I wish it hadn't taken so long to get back here. I know it's complicated and weird."
"It is," she confirmed.
"But it's also amazing to have someone like him to talk to," I continued as if she hadn't spoken. "When he chose Benji, it felt like the worst thing that ever happened. I was so sure that Victor and I were supposed to be together, and it felt like he just didn't care. Then I met TJ, and I know that ended in disaster, but I learned how to move on; I learned how to just be Victor's friend. That's all I want to be."
Pilar looked down at her lap. "Are you over TJ?"
"Almost. I've thought about getting back out there, but… I don't know. I think that I want something real, and I've never found that on one of my dating apps. Headless torsos are great to look at, but I want more than that."
Pilar snickered before she got serious. "You'll find it," she said confidently.
"I hope so."
A pensive silence surrounded us for a moment until she asked, "can you take me home now? I was past curfew yesterday, and I don't want to tempt my mom."
"Let's go."
Pilar got her cast off a little over a week later and texted me a few days after that about coming over to celebrate. It was a weird text, especially considering I'd seen her the day she got her cast off and had spent an hour watching her overdo it as she refused to sit down.
"Can you tell me I'm not crazy? She's being weird, right?" I passed Ryker my phone.
They barely glanced at it before they passed it back. "She said you need to be there at three. You better get moving," they suggested.
I narrowed my eyes. Either they'd somehow mastered speed-reading or they'd already known what that text said. "What's going on?"
"You're gonna be late is what's going on," they said. "Pilar is finally out of her cast. She wants to celebrate. Go see her."
I crossed my arms. "She got out of her cast on Monday and still has to wear a boot. Something is going on," I accused.
They grinned at me. "You need to go."
I sighed. "I swear. If Pilar has finally given into her serial killer instincts, I will come back to haunt you." Ryker found that hilarious and was still laughing when I left their bedroom.
I quickly got dressed. "Can I take the car?" I asked my mom.
"Drive safely," she agreed.
I pulled up to Pilar's apartment a little over five minutes later. When I knocked on the door, Victor answered. "Rahim. Hi. Come in. I'll go grab Pilar."
He disappeared down the hallway leaving me alone in his living room.
Not alone, I realized. A kid with short, curly hair and a tank-top that showed off his arms was sitting on the couch. I didn't not notice that he was attractive, but I didn't focus on it too much. "Oh. Hi."
"Hi." He didn't introduce himself to me and almost immediately turned back to his phone.
"Um, I'm Rahim. I'm just…" I trailed off because it felt weird to justify why I was in the apartment when I wasn't the stranger here.
"You're Victor's friend," the kid realized. He put his phone on the coffee table. "Sorry, I should've guessed. I was in the background a few times when you talked to Victor this summer."
"This summer… you're from that basketball program." That made so much sense. "Were you on Victor's team?" I was trying to scope out whether I should try to scare him away or continue this conversation. The way Victor talked about it, most of the guys in the program kind of sucked.
"Yeah." He smiled at me and held out his hand. "I'm Jared."
"Nice to meet you." I took a seat next to him. "What are you and Victor up to today?"
"I'm not sure. He asked me to come over and then disappeared."
"Weird."
"I've learned to expect that from him," Jared told me. "I was his roommate."
"So, I bet you have a ton of hilarious and embarrassing stories."
Jared laughed. "Not as many as he has of me. The world's not fair. Mostly, I can say that he and Benji and annoyingly cute together even at like 4 am. They have no boundaries."
"Tell me about it."
I grappled for something to talk about but was struggling to figure out something that we might have in common. I knew basketballs were round and orange, but none of the rules had actually gotten into my head, so I thought asking him about basketball or the program was out. Fortunately, it seemed Jared knew way more about me than I knew about him. "Victor talked about you a few times… actually, a lot of times; almost as much as he talked about Benji. I feel like I practically know you." That surprised me. The name Jared definitely rang a bell, but I couldn't recall anything specific. "He mentioned that you're musical."
I nodded. "I do every school play and actually just got a small role in a real production at a local community theater." I'd auditioned at the beginning of the summer and had found out just a few days ago that I got a part.
"That's so cool," Jared said enthusiastically.
"You think?"
"I do theater at school, but I'm not good enough to make it with community theater, so I think that's awesome."
"You're a theater kid? Sorry, that sounded mean. I mean… no, that's what I meant."
Jared laughed, and it seemed to wrap around me. "I am. I'm not good if it helps. I just like the energy of being part of theater. We did Beauty and the Beast last spring and because my school won't turn away anyone that wants to be in the play, I got cast as the coat rack."
A laugh escaped me. "Sorry." Another giggle burst out.
"Hey, I made a very good coat rack." He stood up and stood with his arms extended like he was about to raise the roof. He had a really serious look on his face. "May I take your coat, monsieur?" Another laugh got out before I could stop it. "Obviously, I'm the professional of the two of us because you're supposed to scream and run away. I'm a talking coat rack."
"My bad." My voice cracked.
"My scene partner is breaking," he said dramatically. "Where's the fear? Where's the terror?"
"I guess it just takes a lot to scare me away."
Jared grinned. "What's the play you're in?"
"We're doing Frozen. I'm only part of the ensemble cast, but I'm excited. We start rehearsal next week."
"When's the production?"
"October."
"That's so soon."
"That's what I thought, but rehearsal will last eight weeks which is apparently longer than average. Our Elsa had a baby like six weeks ago, so she's starting rehearsal late." My parents had agreed to let me do it on the condition that my grades didn't drop, but I had rehearsal almost every day after school. I was a little nervous about it, but I figured I could always ask Victor to tutor me again if I start to fail math and everything else I'd be able to manage. I glanced down the hallway, but none of the Salazars showed any sign of emerging. "So you play basketball. You do theater. Any other hidden talents?"
He laughed. "No, I'm pretty useless outside of that," he admitted. "Honestly, I'd probably hate school if it wasn't for play practice and basketball. I keep hoping that if I don't think about going back to school, then it won't happen."
I snickered. "I know what you mean. I already have some fake Muslim holidays lined up to get out of school." He stared at me. "Hey, don't judge me. Spending eight hours trapped in a cinderblock building might not feel like prison to you, but –"
"No. It's just… I kind of do the same thing. I don't have the fake Muslim holidays excuse, but I'll pretend to be my dad to call in and say I'm sick."
I laughed. "I don't suppose you're a new student to Creekwood?" I asked hopefully. "Maybe we can line up our holidays and sick days." I felt like school wouldn't be nearly as bad with someone like him.
"No dice. I go to NAH."
"That's a big school," I said. "You have… what? 500 kids in your class?"
"Around there," he confirmed.
I whistled. "Wow."
"Yeah. 500 kids, and I still somehow have almost every class with my ex," he complained.
"That sounds rough. Did you plan that with her? Or was it just a coincidence?"
"Uh… I did not plan it… with him." He looked at me nervously, but I barely noticed.
It was like a bunch of pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I almost had a full image of what was happening here, but I was just a few pieces shy of understanding. Butterflies seemed to explode in my stomach. "Him," I whispered.
"Yeah. I, uh… yeah."
"Is that why you and Victor roomed together? Did they really put the two gay kids together?"
"No, actually. Victor's roommate refused to stay with him, so I volunteered to be his roommate. He's the only one that knew, and I'm, uh, not exactly gay. I'm pan. Pansexual, I mean. I like people for people."
"Huh. One of Victor's friends is pansexual."
"Lake?" Jared confirmed. I nodded. She'd posted a whole thing to creeksecrets after school got out. Ryker had told me all about it. I'd been boycotting creeksecrets ever since Victor's video debut. "Yeah. I talked to her a few times over the summer when she'd called Victor, but she doesn't call herself that. You know that, right?"
"I didn't. My roommate made it seem like that's what she came out as."
"She came out as a work in progress, and I kind of admire her for that," he told me. "She doesn't want to label herself."
I didn't know Lake very well but that fit into the little I did know. "It seems like she's gotten a lot of crap since she came out. How did people take you coming out as pan?"
"Uh… they didn't because I haven't."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Okay, I don't want to sound judgy, but is there a reason you're not out?"
"Honestly? Because I didn't think there was a point to it. It didn't seem worth it to have to give up basketball and lose all my friends. There are a ton of kids at my school that are out, but I don't know that I really fit in with them. Not one of them is an athlete and they all seem so… themselves, you know. Like fearless. I'm not like that. I wish I was sometimes, but I don't want my life to change just because people know I've had a boyfriend. Until I met Victor, I didn't think it could be done."
"So, does that mean you're coming out?"
"I don't know. I just tested that out with you. I'll let you know when my heart stops pounding."
I ducked my head. "Well, I'm honored to be your guinea pig."
"If I knew everyone would take it like you, I would've come out a long time ago."
"I have to admit… I might be a little biased. I'm not exactly straight either. Sorry, I don't know why I said it like that. I'm gay."
"Does Victor have straight friends?" Jared asked incredulously.
It was kind of funny to talk to Victor about that because he used to feel like he was all alone and now he was essentially surrounded by people that got him. "You must not have met his best friend yet," I said. "Felix is madly in love with Victor's little sister."
"Felix. That's right. I met him on Friday. The first time I heard Felix on the phone, I thought he was Victor's boyfriend."
I couldn't help my laughter. "That might be the greatest thing I've ever heard," I told him.
"I'm sorry. Have you seen them talk to each other?" I had and I understood where Jared was coming from. That didn't make it any less hilarious. "How did you meet Victor anyway?"
"I worked with his sister." This didn't seem like the right time to unpack everything we'd been through, so I just left that there. "We lived a life of glamour selling mall pretzels."
"Should I add cooking to your list of secret talents?"
I snorted. "I can barely boil water. You can add salesman though. I know how to schmooze," I told him.
"Do you?" he asked.
"Sure. Just look at what happened here. We were complete strangers…" I glanced at the clock. "Thirty… wait, no." I squinted at the clock, but I was pretty sure I wasn't telling time wrong. "Wow, thirty minutes ago and now we're the best of friends."
That earned me a real laugh from Jared. "I guess it's time to break out the friendship bracelets."
"Get in line. I've been asking Pilar for friendship bracelets since we worked together." That was actually true except it was entirely a joke because the very idea of Pilar wearing a friendship bracelet, much less making one, was hilarious.
"Speaking of Victor and his sister, do you think we should send a search and rescue team soon?" He looked down the hallway. "Or not." I followed his gaze in time to hear a door close.
"Were they…"
"Just spying on us? Yes."
I pinched the bridge of my nose. That was the final piece. Pilar's shady texts, Ryker's indifference, Victor disappearing. "This was a setup."
"I think you might be right." He side-eyed me. "Is it working?"
I hated to admit it, but it kind of was. "It might be."
He rubbed the back of his head. "Maybe we can hang out sometime. Get to know each other a little more?" he suggested. "Maybe one day when Victor's not using subterfuge to lure us together."
"Well… I mean, I'm free right now. And I'm pretty sure that if we go into Pilar's bedroom, the whole entourage will be there, so we won't be ditching him."
"Sounds like a date," he said.
"Not a date," I corrected quickly. "It's a getting to know you excursion."
Jared laughed. "Tomayto tomahto."
"So do you just wanna go?"
"Do you think we should go bust them first?"
I grinned. "I say we stage a fake fight and dip. Let them think that we hate each other. I know a place where we could go. You wouldn't have to worry about anyone seeing you."
"Are you going to murder me?"
"Only one way to find out." I tried to sound mysterious but was laughing too hard to have that effect.
"You know what? I'm down. Let's go on a date."
"It's not a date yet," I reminded him.
His lips twitched. "Okay then."
It was a pretty epic fight, and I was almost positive that I heard Victor calling my name when I was storming out of his apartment.
Jared met me around the corner from Victor's apartment, and we walked to Brasstown. "If you think you can't act, you are woefully misguided," I told him. "That was poetry in motion."
"I got nothing on you. 'What do you mean you don't like J Lo?' That was genius."
"I had my moments."
His smile was radiant. "What's good here?" he asked as we stepped inside Brasstown.
I looked at who was working. Amanda was standing at the register, and I shouldn't have been surprised to see Felix, but I'd just kind of figured he was in on this whole thing. "It doesn't look like the manager is here so if you like cinnamon, I recommend the Salazar Special."
"What is the Salazar Special?"
"Life-changing," I answered. "She's everything you want from a cup of coffee and more. She's spicy. She's reliable. She's the pick-me-up you didn't know you needed." For a moment, I felt like I was transported back. I'd used a similar line after Victor encouraged me to meet up with a kid I'd been texting. That had ended disastrously, and I braced myself for a similar reaction.
"Then I'll take her," he said casually. He didn't seem the least bit perturbed by what I'd said.
"Good morning, Amanda. Your apron looks very flattering today," I said as I walked up to the counter.
She didn't smile. "Felix. This feels like a you problem."
I audibly groaned when he approached us. "We were never here, okay?"
I honestly wasn't sure he was going to be able to keep it from Victor or Pilar, but neither of them texted me aside from an apology text I got from Victor once we left for Brasstown. It almost made me feel a little guilty for our act earlier. I'd text him later.
While we walked, Jared said, "Felix didn't look happy to see you."
"It's not me; it's the drink. I order the same thing every time I come here now."
"You never mix it up?"
"When you've had the best cup of coffee in existence, you don't mix it up."
"You're really setting a bar here."
"And it's going to surpass it, but it is kind of a pain in the ass to make," I admitted. "It's also not on the menu, so he has no idea what to charge for it. Victor usually charges me for a latte, but he calls that the friend and family discount."
"So, I guess now's a bad time to ask you what I owe you?"
"What kind of date would I be if I made you pay," I tossed back.
"So, this is a date?"
"I dunno. Let's find out." I waited for him to take a sip.
His eyes widened. "Did I miss that Victor secretly invented the best cup of coffee ever?" he asked.
I grinned. "You must've."
"Why isn't this on the menu? This would put whatever this place is called on the map."
"Brasstown. It's literally written on your cup. There's not one by you?"
"Is it a chain?"
"Yep."
He shrugged. "I've never heard of it before."
"You have been missing out."
"Where are we going?"
"I've lived in Creekwood my whole life and, when I was little, my mom always took me to the same playground. When I was eight or nine, most of it was destroyed in a hurricane and they never tried to fix it. They just built a new one in a different part of town. I like to go to the old one; it was a good place to think."
"I didn't take you as a hiker," he observed when we got to the edge of a patch of trees.
"It is a necessary evil. There used to be a trail, but it's essentially a cornfield now, and I've seen enough horror movies to know to stay away from the cornfield."
"But not to stay away from the haunted woods?" he questioned.
"Like I said. Necessary evil. Way more bad stuff has happened in a cornfield than in a haunted wood."
"I would argue that worse stuff has happened in the woods," he argued as I led him to my sanctuary. I doubted most people knew it was still there. If the idea of coming here at night didn't skeeve me out, this was probably where I would've ended up after Mia's dad's wedding. "And way more stuff has happened in the woods."
"Yes, but people have come out of the woods alive before. How many people do you know that have gone frolicking through a cornfield and lived to tell the tale?"
He snickered. "Point taken."
When we got to the playground, I took up my usual spot at the top of the slide. Jared immediately climbed onto one of the swings. Instead of sitting in it, he balanced himself, so he he only had one foot on the seat. "There is no way that will hold you."
"Are you calling me fat?"
I pretended to look at him to make my decision. I mean, I was really looking at him because the way he was holding his arms meant his shirt ran up and I got a good look at him; how could anyone see those abs and not stare? "Definitely. You don't have basketball abs or anything."
"Noticed, did you?"
"You're not exactly being subtle right now. You might as well be shirtless."
"That can be arranged," he offered.
I almost wished he would do it, but before I could say anything back that would strike the perfect blend of challenging him without being too obvious, we heard a loud, threatening crack. He jumped off the swing a split second before one end of it caused the wood holding it up to splinter and break. He landed safely on his feet. "Told ya so."
"Whatever." He didn't waste a beat before he walked towards the jungle gym. One side of it had sunk several inches into the ground since the hurricane so it was in a perpetual state of being slanted. "Is this going to break if I climb it?"
"Nope," I assured him. "I only knew the other one would break because the last time I was on it, it sounded like it was going to shatter into a billion splinters. I've just left it alone since then."
I watched as he climbed to the top and sat in between two rungs. "I used to love the jungle gym when I was little. My sister was always scared of heights, but I couldn't stay away from them."
"You have a sister?"
"I'm a triplet."
"Shit, really?"
"Yep. Though the jury's still out on whether my brother really grew up with us in the womb or whether he was planted by some aliens."
"Why?"
"He's just… the worst kind of person. I mean, he's my brother so part of me loves him, but I feel like I wouldn't if I didn't have to, you know? He's kind of a dick."
"In what way?" I asked curiously.
He looked up and closed his eyes. "A lot of people have trouble telling us apart. We're not technically identical, but a lot of people assume we are, and I get where they're coming from. Before he turned into a dick, we switched classes one day just to see if we could get away with it. No one picked up on it." Jared smiled. "I miss those days."
"What happened?" I wondered.
"We grew up, and we couldn't be more different now. He thinks he runs the school because he's on the football team. He thinks he runs the world, really. He treats the girls in our school like they're conquests and almost everyone hates him but they're too scared of him to say that to his face. He comes home high all the time and he's the kind of guy that is ready to jump into a fight when he's on something. He tortured our sister. Don't even get me started on the fights he and my parents have gotten into. My mom spends half her time crying because she doesn't know if he'll come home when he walks out the door." He looked over at me. "Sorry. I feel like I just killed the mood."
"No. Don't apologize. That sounds intense."
"Yeah, it is." He crossed his arms over his knees.
"Do you worry about that?" I wondered. "Whether he's being safe."
Jared looked thoughtful. "Sometimes. I don't trust the dumbasses he hangs out with. I feel like they're more likely to slip him something if he says he's done or something. I didn't worry when it was just pot, but once he got into the hard stuff?" He shivered. "He doesn't think it's a problem and nothing we tell him will convince him. He's screwed if they ever drug test the team. Can we talk about anything else?"
"Sure. You said you want to get to know each other. Why don't you tell me your favorite color?"
"Red and orange. But like the color of leaves in the fall. What about you?"
"I'm partial to salmon." He raised his eyebrows at me. "It is a nice color," I defended. "It's very versatile. You feel like making a statement and looking bold and you can wear it with some cool colors. You can wear it when you're trying to look chic or elegant or classy or professional."
"Alright," he laughed. "Note to self. Do not say anything bad about salmon."
"You got that right," I told him. "Okay, next question."
"Nuh-uh. It's my turn," he said. "How old were you when you knew you were gay?"
I frowned. "I think sometime in the fifth grade. I mean, I definitely knew by then, but it was the first time I put the word to who I was."
"Did something happen?"
"Not really. I didn't have a mildly scandalous sexual awakening or anything like that. I guess when my classmates were getting their first girlfriends, I just wanted nothing to do with it. There was some pressure for me to date in the way eleven-year-olds date and when I didn't, someone started the rumor that I was gay and I remember thinking that… yeah, I was pretty sure I was. I never officially came out. I guess most people just assume I am because of… everything about me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not the most masculine gay out there," I pointed out.
"So?" he questioned.
"I don't know," I muttered. And I really didn't. "What about you? How'd you know?"
"My first boyfriend was transgender," he told me. "To everyone else, we looked like a straight couple, but we were far from it. He came out to me when I told him I loved him for the first time because he loved me too and he felt like he was leading me on. I told him it didn't matter to me, and he wanted to make sure I knew what that meant for us. It meant being in a queer relationship and, more importantly, being in a same sex relationship. He wanted to make sure I knew that because he wasn't the girl I'd started dating. When he put that all on the table, I thought I was going to feel overwhelmed to think of myself as queer, but I didn't. I mostly felt scared that I was going to lose him. I realized it didn't matter to me who he was. I loved him for him. I'd never really considered my sexuality before, and it was so different with him because no one else knew. I mean, his family knew, but no one at school did. He never came out while he was here."
"What happened?" I asked quietly.
"He moved. His mom got a job up in New Jersey, and long-distance was too difficult. We still keep in touch, so it was totally amicable."
"That stinks."
"I think it was meant to happen in some ways."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that… he got to explore himself in a way he never would've at NAH. I'm just glad he had this chance to find out how to be happy with himself. I also learned a lot about myself after he left. I had the chance to… experiment and see if I just liked him because I was already so gone for him when he came out to me or if I liked other guys too."
"And?" I pressed.
"I found out that I like people, but not all people. Some people are assholes, but I'm attracted to the personality, not the packaging."
"If you're not out…" I stopped. I didn't know if it was okay to ask. He looked at me curiously. "How did you get to experiment? You said that no one knows."
"Obviously, some of my exes know, but we never were together long enough to tell people. Either I didn't think it was worth it, or they broke up with me before we got that serious. Technically, a bunch of random people in New York know because I went to visit Thomas during Pride my sophomore year and we went to the Parade. I owe him so much. More than I can describe." He brought his hand to his chest. "I really miss him sometimes."
I whistled. "You loved him."
"Yeah. He's the first person I ever loved. Have you ever been in love?"
I looked away. "I think so. I've never told someone it, but I think I was in love."
He sat up a little straighter. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I wasn't sure if I did, but before I made the decision, I found myself telling him about TJ and how difficult my summer had been as I tried to get over him. Jared was nearly as furious as Victor when I told him about what happened with TJ's ex. It was only the fourth time I was telling someone, and I thought it would be awkward because I barely knew Jared, but I already felt inexplicably close to him. Maybe because there was something really comforting about how he teared up while he described his most recent breakup where his ex-boyfriend had texted him the day he was moving into his dorm for the summer program to break up with him.
"We are hot messes," I muttered when he'd finished describing his ex.
"Got the hot part right." I had to look away because his words honestly made me feel like the butterflies in my stomach were trying to escape a forest fire or something. They were really working their wings right now. "I'm gonna have a lot of fun with this," he teased.
I rolled my eyes. "Whose turn is it for a question?"
"Yours."
"Hmmm," I said out loud while I tried to think of a good one. "What are your friends like?"
He eyed me. "I know I should love them because they're my friends and all, but they kind of suck."
"Really?" I asked surprised. "Then why are you friends with them?"
"I think I'm kind of stuck with them at this point."
"Isn't your school like huge?"
"It is big," he confirmed. "But I sometimes think that makes it harder."
"How? I would think there's someone there for everyone."
Jared looked thoughtful before he slid down the jungle gym. He climbed up the rock wall and sat so his legs dangled down the wall. "Think about it this way. You've found your people. You probably don't have any classes with them, but you get to see them in your safe space. You've grown up with them, so you know them better than you know yourself and you trust them. Then, a random kid that you've maybe seen around the hallways but maybe haven't because he's a twin… he's not, but you think he is, and he's showing up in your safe space. Now, you've heard a ton about this kid. He or his brother, who can say, are good at getting into trouble. All of your friends are telling you that he's this obnoxious jock, and did you know that the basketball team was behind the penises that were graffitied on the statue in front of the school? And he was friends with the guy that got arrested for selling coke to that undercover cop. And he was probably part of the coverup when that guy assaulted his girlfriend. They're all telling you he's bad news, and everything you've heard confirms it. Do you give him the time of day? Or do you act friendly with him when you have to see him during school but essentially forget he exists when you don't?"
"Who could ever think you're the obnoxious jock?" I asked incredulously.
"So many people. It's so easy to fall into a group and so hard to break out of that group once you're in it, especially when it seems like everyone else has their place as well. Even the groups that are always falling apart and fighting don't branch out. They just take sides within it. When I'm with my friends, I am an obnoxious jock because I don't know how to be anyone else."
"Huh. I always thought a big school would mean freedom. It's kind of the same at Creekwood in a way. With the whole everyone has their group thing, but…" I thought of Ryker and Pilar and how quickly they'd accepted me into their worlds. "I guess it's easier to be part of multiple groups, and we all know what it's like to not want to be seen as the awkward kids we were, so it's easier to let other people in. I didn't have a lot of friends when I was younger. Kind of like you said, I was stuck with a certain group but once I hit middle school, things changed. I mean, I'm not going to say that I'm popular or anything, but I have my people."
"That sounds really nice." He was quiet for a minute. "Are you out to all of your friends?"
"Yeah. And my parents. And I'm not not out to anyone. Like, if I ever started dating someone that went to Creekwood, it would probably be really obvious to everyone." Once upon a time, I'd been able to picture that happening… with Victor. That image that had once felt so real to me now just felt weird. "I think I'm really lucky in a sense. It was hard for me to come out to my parents because I thought they were going to hate this. I read off of index cards that I'd written this whole speech on, but they already knew. They'd just been waiting for me to be ready."
He looked up. "I used to watch all these videos of kids coming out and their families being like 'well, duh'." He shook his head. "I don't think my parents have any idea."
"Will your family be okay with it?"
"My brother will probably be a dick about it and the whole school will know the moment he knows. I think my parents will be fine with it. I mean, my mom has helped run Pride events at the school she works at, so she'll be on board. I've thought about just coming out to them, but we're not a family for secrets." He clasped his hands in front of him and rested them on his lap. "Did you… did you ever regret telling someone you're gay?"
"Never," I told him seriously.
He looked perplexed and nodded. "I don't think I do either." He descended the rock wall. "It's your question."
I waited until he was back on his perch on top of the jungle gym. "Favorite food."
"Buffalo chicken cheesesteak," he said immediately. "With shoestring fries."
"That's specific," I laughed.
"Yeah, well. I love anything spicy, but there's something about that combination. I get to pick my birthday dinner once every three years and the last two times, that's what I chose. When we turn twenty, that'll probably still be my choice."
I stared at him. "Every three years? I guess that makes sense, but that sucks."
He shrugged. "It's worth it to have my sister."
When he didn't elaborate, I said, "you get the next question."
He dangled upside down for a few minutes while he thought. "Favorite movie," he decided.
We spent hours that way. Eventually, he stopped hanging upside down, but we asked question after question. We talked about vacations we'd gone on, more about his siblings, had a lengthy debate about peanut butter sandwiches (I wasn't sorry about this; who preferred crunchy peanut butter?), talked about our favorite movies and actors, and had a random YouTube video contest. It was hilarious and amazing and, yeah, it was definitely a date.
At some point, he decided it would be a good idea to try to balance on two rungs of the jungle gym. I was pretty sure I was going to have to call him an ambulance. "Are you sure you don't want to climb up here with me? The view's great."
"No, because I'm not suicidal," I tossed back.
Jared instantly stiffened. "It's getting late. I, uh, need to head out." He hopped off the jungle gym and somehow landed on his feet without breaking anything.
"Wait," I called. I went down the slide. "What just happened?"
"Nothing. I just need to get home. My parents are pretty strict about family dinner. I can't be late."
He wasn't looking at me, so I knew I definitely missed something. "Please. If I did something or said something, tell me." He hesitated, and I tried to replay the conversation we'd just been having. "I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry."
"Can you just take me back to Victor's so I can get my car and go home?" he asked.
It occurred to me then that he was kind of stuck here until I led him back. If he tried to retrace the steps we took, they would lead him to Brasstown and he'd called himself directionally challenged earlier, so I doubted he'd have much luck. "I will do that, but will you tell me why you're acting like this first?"
He crossed his arms. Two could play at that game. I mimicked his pose.
He let out an aggravated growl. "I don't like when people joke about suicide," he said annoyed. "It's not funny and you never know who's hearing you when you make light of something that they struggle with."
"Oh." That wasn't what I was expecting, and I found myself taking a step back because the way he said it made it really obvious that there was a reason for it and not just a he-didn't-think-it-was-a-joking-matter type of thing. "I, um… I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking. Of course, I know it's serious." I took a seat on the table part of a picnic table and pressed my hand against the metal diamonds to balance myself. I closed my eyes while I asked, "are you talking about yourself."
I opened my eyes just to meet his. I'd never seen someone as full of discomfort or anger as he looked at that moment. "No," he said after a minute passed. He took slow, intentional steps towards the picnic table until he sat on the opposite side of the table, so his back was to me.
"My best friend used to cut themselves. They live with me and… I walked in on them one day," I told him. I could still see it sometimes. It was terrifying, and I'd had no idea what to do. Fortunately, my parents had known exactly what to do and Ryker had forgiven me after a few days when my parents didn't kick them out. It had opened us up to talk about something that Ryker had never shared with anyone. They talked to a therapist regularly now, and we celebrated every week they went without doing it. "They were so scared of how people might take it; they tried to stop themself, but when things got overwhelming… they couldn't fight it on their own. If you are feeling a certain way, you don't have to fight this on your own either."
Jared let out a shaky breath. "I'm talking about my sister."
I tried to remember what he'd said about her, but I didn't think he'd mentioned anything recent. I felt my heart plummet. He'd talked about her and his brother a ton, but every story he'd told about her had been from when they were little. "What happened?"
"She's in a special long-term care facility." I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding as relief filled me. "She had a breakdown in April. My sister has some… stuff. Part of it is that we came really early. Triplet perks. She was so much smaller than us and she's always struggled a little bit more than us. She's in all special classes. It never mattered when we were little because we all had different teachers; I don't even remember knowing that Chyanne's classes were different. I mean… I knew she was different. Things didn't click for her, and she had a lot of trouble making friends because she has no filter, but when we started middle school and she was in the same classroom all day while we were switching classes, we figured out that something was different. Petey cared way more than I did. I think we both felt guilty that we were so… I don't like calling it normal because Chyanne's not abnormal; she's the best. She just doesn't learn things easily or pick up on social cues. Things like that. A lot of people are really mean to her because of that."
"That's really messed up."
"Yeah. Anyway, around Valentine's Day, Petey started to send her these love notes pretending to be this kid that we knew she was crushing on. When Chyanne found out, she lost it. She said she wished she'd never been born and that she just wanted to die and that none of us loved her; she thought we just felt bad for her. It was terrifying but my mom eventually got through to her by singing her this lullaby from when we were little. We thought that was it, but… it wasn't." He shuddered. "I woke up. I don't know if it's a coincidence or triplet intuition or something else, but I found her. I got my parents up and we took her to the hospital. She was in a psychiatric hold for a while and then on a waitlist to get into this facility. It was almost two months before she got in. In the two months that she was home, they didn't send her to school, and they never left her alone. My mom was in her bedroom every night while she was sleeping, my dad worked from home so he could be with her, and I spent most of my time before or after school with her. At first, she didn't want to talk about what happened but, eventually, she told us that these weren't new thoughts. When someone jokes about suicide, I think of how often I joked about it and how that made it so much harder on her."
I was grateful his back was to me because I needed a second to process all of that. I let my head rest on my bunched-up fists while I thought about everything he just said.
"I know that it's a lot," he said quietly. "I don't know why I told you all of that."
"Probably because I held you hostage," I offered.
He chuckled. "Something like that. Or maybe it's that you're really easy to talk to."
I found myself smiling. "Is your sister okay? Now that she's in that place?"
"I think so. We mostly write back and forth, so it's really easy to focus on the good stuff."
"You write to her? Like a pen pal?" I asked.
"Yeah. It's easier on her. She doesn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing."
"Huh. Can you tell me more about her?"
"Chyanne's the best. She likes the best TV shows and remembers everything. You could ask her what color shirt a character was wearing in the fifth episode of the twelfth season, and she'd be able to tell you. She's hilarious, sweet, selfless, and musical. She's actually part of the reason I do theater."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It was our thing… we spent a lot of time singing together… usually, after someone accidentally set us up. My voice is okay, but Chyanne? She could do something with a voice like that."
"What did you like to sing?" I asked curiously.
"A lot of stuff. She liked a lot of older artists. Her favorite was Aretha Franklin."
"Who's your favorite?"
He eyed me for a second before he said, "Cher."
"Cher?" I asked skeptically.
"Cher is iconic. She's my go-to after a break-up. 'Well, I know that I'll get through this. 'Cause I know that I am strong. I don't need you anymore. Oh, I don't need you anymore'." He smiled at me sheepishly. "Or something like that. Petey hates when I do that, but it always cheers Chyanne up."
"Marry me."
He grinned. "Look at that. This wasn't even a date and now it's a proposal."
"Shut up." I couldn't stop smiling. "Maybe this is a date."
"Facts," he said simply.
"I said maybe," I protested. "It could've gone either way. Maybe I lured you out here to murder you, but you changed my mind with your singing."
He snorted. "No offense, but I think I could take you."
"It's the weak ones you have to watch out for. I'm not bringing my fists to a fight. And… that might actually be the lamest thing I've ever said."
"It's not," he assured me.
"Should I be flattered or insulted?" I asked.
He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Both," he decided. "Should I be insulted that it's almost 8 and you haven't even asked me to get dinner yet?"
"Definitely," I laughed. "Do you want to, though? Go grab dinner? There's not a ton of places in Creekwood; most of them are in midtown or downtown, but there are a few options."
"I'm fine with anything," he assured me.
We ended up at a pizza place because it was the most convenient and it was outside a bus stop with a route that would take us back to Victor's place. Once the pizza we'd ordered was placed in front of us, he said, "you've heard all about my family but haven't talked about yours. Do you have any siblings?"
"Um…" I rubbed my arms. "there's my roommate, Ryker. They were kicked out in May and has been living with us. They're essentially my sibling. And…" I studied him for a moment. I figured he'd opened up about something really, really big with his family. It made me feel like I could tell him. "I had a baby brother, but he died when he was just a few days old. He came too early, and he didn't make it."
"I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
"Yeah. No one knows, at least not outside of my best friends. I don't like to talk about it." I still remembered the first time I told someone. Until recently, it had been my secret. Then, while Victor was helping me study for my Geometry final, he asked me if I wished I had a sibling. He was the first person to ever ask me that. Everyone else always told me, either seriously or jokingly, that I was so lucky not to have siblings to fight with, but Victor never did that. When I told him, he was the first person to make me feel like I wasn't an only child. I'd told Ryker when they moved in with me because it was kind of unavoidable when you walk in someone's house and there's a newborn picture in a frame with the quote, "when someone you love goes to paradise, a little piece of paradise comes to your home."
Then I'd told Pilar just a few weeks ago because it felt weird for her not to know when Victor and Ryker knew.
"We can talk about something else."
"No, I don't mind it so much with you," I admitted. He smiled softly.
"How old were you?"
"Only two. I don't remember him; they named him, and they have a picture of him with all of us. My mom used to say that we only got four days as a whole family."
"What did they name him?"
"Ayaan."
"Does that mean anything?"
"God's gift," I said softly. "He was going to be Khalil, but when they knew he wasn't going to make it, they decided to change it so God would know what a gift He was receiving from us. They're pretty religious."
"Are you?" he asked.
"I pray with my parents when they ask me too, but… I don't think so. I know that my parents have had to reject some Muslim teachings to accept me and that feels really weird."
He moved his slice of pizza around on his plate. "I'm sorry. That must be really tough. The religion thing and your brother."
He put his hand over mine, and I flipped my hand over so I could hold his. His hand was nearly twice the size of mine and felt strong and warm in my hold. "Sometimes, it's really weird to miss someone that I only met once, but I do. I miss all the things I never got to do with him, and sometimes I feel so sad for what I lost." I brought my other hand to his. "And sometimes, I feel like I don't have a right to mourn him because I don't remember him. My mom's the one that carried him for twenty-one weeks; my parents are the ones that were with him every second of the time he had here. What right do I have to feel sad when it's their loss?"
I didn't realize a tear had slipped from my cheek until Jared wiped it away. "You have every right to be sad. You may not remember him, but you know your life was incomplete without him."
"Sorry. Talk about a mood killer."
He shrugged. "I said I wanted to get to know you."
"It's a small miracle you don't regret that yet."
"I don't. Thank you for telling me about your brother."
"Thank you for listening." I dropped his hand so I could wipe my eyes. "I don't usually cry so much on a first date."
"So are we admitting this is a date?"
I found myself smiling. "I think we still have time to figure that out."
When I walked Jared back to the Salazars, we lingered outside his car. "Do you need a ride home?"
"Nah. I drove here," I assured him. "I, uh, had a really great time today. A surprisingly great time."
"Thanks," he said sarcastically.
"I just meant… it was fun and nice." I shifted. "You can say no because we just met and all, but Victor's parents are renewing their vows on Saturday. I think I technically get a plus one if you maybe want to go with me. It could be our… second date." Where did all my suave go? I was doing so well until that moment.
Jared looked at me for a long time before he said, "yes. I'd really like that."
I was unprepared when he pulled me into a hug. TJ hadn't really liked to hug or cuddle. He'd found it awkward, and we'd spent a lot of time making out anyway, which felt like enough intimacy.
Jared was really comfortable with it. It took me a second to react but once I returned the hug, I felt warm. I had no idea how long we hugged for, but it didn't feel long enough. "Bye, Rahim."
It didn't occur to me until he started to drive away, stopped, and got out of his car that we'd both forgotten something kind of important. He handed me his phone, open to the new contact screen. "I really don't want to have to go through Victor for this."
I typed in my number and double-checked that it was correct before I saved it. He texted me before he drove away.
When I was sitting in front of my house, I texted Victor.
I don't want this to turn into a whole thing but…
You were right
And thank you
