Primp and Precedence
by
Owlcroft

Jane lies in Winchester, blessed be her shade!
Praise the Lord for making her, and her for all she made.
And, while the stones of Winchester – or Milsom Street – remain,
Glory, Love, and Honour unto England's Jane!
Rudyard Kipling

When Lydia was approached to do a Neitherworld stage production of "Pride and Prejudice", she balked. Unmistakably. "Are you serious? That's such a classic! There's no way it could be a stage play, and here? Oh, no!"

The playhouse owner assured her, however, that there was a reasonable abridged version suitable for the stage and that she would have a free hand in casting, production, and directing. After all, she was a human and the original had been written by just such an unfortunate one as she. Disregarding that last point, Lydia found the appeal was irresistible.

But, however, problems remained. Not in the areas she expected; indeed, not in any of the production areas. The staging, lighting, make-up, costumes were irreproachable. It was the cast itself that threatened the quality of the play.

The rehearsals were dreadful. Jacques, as Mr. Bennett, filled in his speeches with French exclamations such as "sacré bone" and "mon cher vache". The Monster Across the Street made a cartoon even of the easily-mocked Mr. Collins by forgetting his lines and interpolating, "Way-ull, little missie, I don't reckon there's anybody here-abouts as 'ud say so!" Ginger gave a word-perfect, although wooden, performance as Jane Bennet, but danced her way on and off the stage to a hummed accompaniment. Beetlejuice, who insisted on being Mr. Darcy, had easily memorized his part but refused to take anything seriously and, as always, got bored after only a short time. "Oh, well," sighed Lydia, "maybe it will all be 'all right on the night'."

Things didn't go quite so badly on Opening Night as Lydia had feared. A drag-dressed Flubbo was doing a wonderful job as Mrs. Bennet, and Goody Two Shoes and Little Miss Warden were well cast as Bingley's sisters. It was all acceptable, just, until they reached the ball where Elizabeth Bennet first meets Mr. Darcy.

Ginger managed to sneak in a tap dance while her partner, Prince Vince, who was turning in a good performance as Bingley, watched in surprise. Flubbo simpered and stage whispered his lines about Darcy's conceit. Then . . .

In an impeccable Regency costume, Beetlejuice/Darcy minced up to Lydia/Lizzie, took her hand, bowed, and crooned, "So fair charmer – "

"Wrong script!" she hissed.

"Ah, right," he blinked in surprise, then "So Miss Eliza Bennet, the on-dit is that you believe me arrogant, eh?"

"I find, sir," she replied, "that you do not make yourself agreeable to those around you who have a right to expect more than condescension – nay, I shall not even speak of pleasant manners and affability."

"Say what now? I'm the most affable guy around here and if your crowd of biddies can't get along with me, then that's their problem! Say, where are those snacks I was promised at this shindig?" Beetlejuice/Darcy was rolling now.

Gritting her teeth, Lydia/Elizabeth tried to salvage some small part of the scene. "The refreshments are served in the drawing room, sir," she ad-libbed. "Perhaps you might – "

At that moment, a roach crept out from behind the backdrop of a small ballroom and chaos ensued. 'Mrs. Bennet' fled, shrieking, stage right as 'Darcy' charged toward the beetle. The rest of the cast darted out of his way and then also hastily exited the stage. The unfortunate beetle was snagged under the piano after a spirited chase which knocked over most of the scenery and a loud crunch was heard. Darcyjuice emerged to find only one other cast member still present, so he embraced Lydzzie and gave her a smacking kiss, saying, "Moving the story along a couple hundred pages, my dear, will you marry me?"

Thus the curtain rang down on 'Pride and Prejudice' to tumultuous applause. There were several curtain calls and Lydia received a bouquet of sneezeweed from the grateful playhouse patrons.

"Oh, Beej," she sighed afterward.

"Wha-at? You said it was supposed to be funny. And it was!"

Lydia looked at him with resigned affection. "It's the writing that's funny; it's not supposed to be the acting that the audience laughs at."

Beetlejuice quirked his lips and tilted his head. "Well, I knew what was going on, what the action was supposed to be, so that part was okay, right? I mean, I knew what everyone meant and would do and what the end of the story would be and I got us there."

"Yes, I suppose you had the sense of the play, but – " Lydia couldn't help herself, "not the sensibility."

"Hey, speaking of that," Beetlejuice pulled a large paper package from behind the Regency table he was sitting on. "This is the next one they want you to do, and guess what it is!"