Hi!
This was my entry for the March 2022 Song to Story Challenge, prompt 'Fire' by Sara Bareilles.
I hope you like it, and as always, thanks for reading!
The Bench
I sat on the park bench, the one where I'd first met him … hoping he'd be there.
I closed my eyes and smiled as I raised my face toward the warmth of the sun. Even if he never came … even if I never saw his perfect face again, I knew I would never look back.
He'd changed me, given me courage, and for that, I would always be grateful.
Would he come?
God, please let him come.
~!~
Six Months Earlier
I was cold. I was literally freezing. I had run out so quickly I'd forgotten my coat.
I ran until I hit the park, and I sank down on the nearest bench to catch my breath.
I wrapped my arms around myself and looked out at the lake, frozen over in the cold December air. There were a few boys playing ice hockey with a makeshift puck; their faces rosy from the temperature and their exertions.
I sighed and placed my head in my hands as I felt the sudden onset of tears.
How had my life led me here … to this place? This crazy place I couldn't get out of where the anchor around my neck threatened to pull me under the dark, dank waters permanently.
I'd gone to one of the top colleges in the country and graduated with honors before going on to get my master's degree. How did that girl … no, that woman ... that strong, independent woman, find herself here?
On a park bench in the middle of December without a coat.
~!~
I'd met him in grad school; We lived in neighboring apartments. He was studying for the bar exam, and I was finishing my thesis. I met him when I was vulnerable, looking to fill a void. My father had just died, and I missed him terribly.
It wasn't love. I knew that. We'd talk, touch, kiss, and bend, but there was no passion … no fire; at least not for me. I fell into it because I was lonely, and he was nearby.
Before I knew it, we had moved in together. I don't know why I said yes.
After living with him for a few months, I realized what I originally thought was an occasional tendency to imbibe too much, was in fact, a more serious problem; one he'd been trying to hide from me.
The first time he hit me my hand went to my cheek in shock. No one had ever struck me in my life. I think he was shocked too.
I lost it.
I became enraged and started shouting at him to get his bags packed and get out, that I wouldn't lose much sleep over him. I told him to his face.
I called a spade a spade when it showed up and I called it by its first name.
Alcoholic.
He walked out the door with his car keys and I turned the deadbolt behind him, listening to the click before I heard his wheels start spinning on the pavement outside when he pulled away, tires screeching.
Of course, he came back … and to this day I have no valid reason as to why I accepted his apology or why I stayed.
None.
~!~
That day, when I ran out without my coat, I sat on the bench and watched the kids play ice hockey while berating myself for the choices I was making. I was smarter than this. I knew I was smarter than this. But I didn't know how to leave him. I felt stuck.
I hung my head, cradling my cheek which was beginning to bruise by now, and punished myself for being stupid and weak.
I heard someone clear their throat beside me and I looked up quickly.
There was a young man sitting next to me on the bench and his emerald green eyes held deep concern as they roamed over me
"Miss, are you all right? You must be freezing."
My eyes widened as I came back to my senses.
I felt my teeth start to chatter and realized it was stupid to leave without a coat.
I watched as the man started to shrug out of his jacket and place it around my shoulders.
I looked into his eyes and felt something. I still don't know how to explain it. It was something I'd never felt before ... a knowing. Looking into his eyes, it was as if I'd known him forever.
He stared at me for a moment, a look of soft wonder on his face.
"Have we …" He asked quietly as he continued to stare at me. "Have we ... met before?"
The kids playing hockey began to raise their voices and we both looked over at them quickly as they argued over a penalty.
I turned to look back at the man beside me, suddenly feeling foolish.
I took his coat from around my shoulders and handed it back to him as I stood.
"Thank you for the coat, I um, I really need to be going," I said hurriedly.
He stood from the bench at the same time, and I felt his eyes on my cheek.
"Are you sure you're all right?" He asked with concern. "Can I drop you somewhere? Is there someone I can call for you?"
"Uh, no … you're very kind, but no, I really have to be going. Thank you so much for your coat. I appreciate it."
"Edward." He said as he continued to look at me. "My name is Edward."
I looked at him and wished my life was different. I wished I was a normal person who could have a normal conversation with a nice person who sat next to me on a park bench.
But I wasn't a normal person. I was fighting a current and I knew I wouldn't beat the waters … even if I held my breath to swim. The shallow shores weren't safe enough to dive in.
They never would be.
"I walk here every day," he said. "I just moved to Chicago ... still getting my bearings. Maybe I'll see you again sometime."
"Thank you for the coat," I said quietly. "I have to go. Goodbye …" I looked at him from behind anxious eyes. "Goodbye … Edward."
And then I turned and ran back toward the hell that was my life.
~!~
I don't know what made me go back to that bench, but I did ... and Edward was always there.
The first time, I brought a thermos of hot chocolate.
This is ridiculous. What are you hoping to accomplish?
I wasn't sure, but there was something inside of me compelling me to go there, and for once in what was my fucked-up life, I was going to follow my gut.
After sitting for about five minutes drinking the warm liquid and watching the ice skaters, I felt a presence beside me.
Edward.
He looked over at me with a smile.
"I'm glad to see you wore your coat today."
I gave him a shy smile and handed him a cup of cocoa.
"Bella … my name is Bella."
~!~
He'd moved here for a job.
"But my sister lives here with her husband so at least I know two people … well three, counting my niece."
He smiled at me.
"I guess four now … since I know you."
I looked down at my hands.
It was January. We had met here two times a week for the last month.
I never gave him my last name.
By March, we had begun to venture away from the bench and started to take long walks around the lake. He'd tell me about his sister and his niece, and I'd talk about my dad. We fell into a comfortable rhythm, and I looked forward to our meetings with an anticipation I hadn't felt in a long time.
One day we were strolling around the lake, and I pointed up excitedly as a flock of geese began to come in for a landing. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd grabbed Edward's hand.
"Oh my God, Edward, look! They're coming in!"
I smiled broadly and watched the birds glide onto the water effortlessly.
I turned to Edward, the excited smile still on my face, and saw him silently watching me.
I glanced down at our hands, and quickly pulled mine away, embarrassed at what I had done.
"I'm … sorry, Edward. I …"
He stared at me and reached out to take the hand that I was attempting to pull away.
"Bella." He said quietly.
I looked into his eyes as he continued to hold my hand.
"When are you going to leave him?"
I looked back at him, stunned. I hadn't told him anything about my life … not about him anyway.
"I don't know what …" I began, and he stopped me, his face tight as he tried to control his emotions.
"I can't pretend anymore Bella," he said as he brought his hand up to touch my neck; to lightly ghost over the bruises I thought I had hidden by my hair.
His face was shadowed with anger as he brushed my hair aside. "Whenever you don't show up, I think the worst. I think he's done something to you."
I felt myself starting to break. Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew I was going to crack. I'd held it in for so long, telling no one … suffering … alone, in silence, in the cold. Edward was the heat against that cold.
Edward was the fire.
He led me toward our bench and the floodgates opened. Sobs wracked my body as he held me, and I told him everything.
~!~
It took me two weeks to leave but I did it.
He tried everything to keep me there and surprisingly, he didn't drink. He wanted to 'prove' to me he could stay sober.
As I walked out the door, I told him he needed to do that for himself, not for me.
In the end he knew it was coming, and he seemed resigned. But he certainly didn't make it easy for me, and I hesitated more than once in those two weeks before I left.
~!~
That was two months ago. I haven't been back to our bench until today. When I'd left Edward that day, I told him I was going to do it; I was going to leave.
He told me he'd wait for me at our bench and when I was ready, I should come there to find him.
Immediately after I left, I sent a letter to his office to let him know I was okay so he wouldn't worry.
But it took two months of therapy, healing, and reconnecting with old friends, to bring me to a place where I felt I could finally stand on my own.
I sat on the bench nervously.
Would he come? Had I waited too long? What if I was too late?
Although spring had arrived and the sun shone down, it was still cool, and I wished I had worn a long-sleeved shirt.
I shivered as I watched the kids running around the nearby playground and I smiled.
"Where's your coat?" I heard a familiar voice say gently, and tears immediately sprang to my eyes as I turned to face him.
I smiled at him as the tears ran down my face and he sat next to me and gathered me in his arms.
"Bella," he breathed. "Thank God."
I hugged him fiercely and breathed him in, his warmth going through me, filling me up, surrounding me, igniting me with its bright flame, and I knew exactly how I got here.
I had to feel the cold back then … back during those dark days. I had to … so that someday I would know what it would feel like when I felt fire.
