Peter had lost track by now of how long he had been staring at his Spider-Man costume. He had told himself that today was going to be the day that he would finally suit up and get back out there. He was feeling about as good as he had since Titan, and he really felt he was ready. Unfortunately, when he first laid eyes on the familiar red and blue outfit, he froze, and that was the position he'd remained in ever since.
He managed to work up the courage to walk over to the outfit, taking his mask in his hand. He held it, staring into the white lenses as if he were looking into the eyes of another person. That mask had come to define so much of Peter over the last couple of years. In a way, it was his safe place despite the danger he frequently found himself in while wearing it. It represented a way to help people like he'd never known before; a sense of purpose and calling.
Now, however, it brought other thoughts and feelings that drove him to close his eyes to try and fight them off.
They were feelings of failure, of knowing that because he couldn't remove that oversized glove from Thanos's hand, the whole universe paid the price, directly or otherwise. There was also a feeling of loss, of knowing that May, Ned, Mr. Stark and the rest of his Avengers teammates were all gone... because of him.
Peter squinted harder, trying desperately to keep his thoughts from overwhelming him.
He then thought of M.J. It was his fault that she would never have another chance to reconcile with her parents. It was because of him that she would forever carry her grief and guilt over her last interaction with them before they disappeared, ceasing to exist. Peter remembered the look of turmoil on her face, the emotional anguish she fought against as she confessed these things to him.
That was the last straw; Peter tossed his mask back in the closet, closing the door in front of him so that he wouldn't have to look at it for the time being. He sank to his knees, tears starting to stream down his cheek. He hated it, because he was sick of crying and things had progressively been getting better of late as he started to find purpose, even joy in life again. Still, Peter couldn't shake the nagging thought that the longer he went without suiting up as Spider-Man, the longer he was shirking his responsibility. He had made a vow to his uncle after his death that he would do his best to use his powers responsibly, but right now, he was failing to keep that promise, and it was eating away at him.
He tried to eat, but Peter couldn't bring himself to put much down, despite his enhanced metabolism. He was still beating himself up for his failure over being able to put on the suit. In a way, he couldn't really understand it, because it was such a simple task. Just step into the outfit, slide his arms in the sleeves, press the spider symbol to compress it, and voila. Yet, it seemed like the hardest thing in the world to do right now.
"You alright kid?" Happy asked from across the table, shaking Peter from his daze.
"Huh? Oh, I'm fine," Peter replied, not wanting to burden Happy any further than he had already. The man had already done so much for him even just by giving him a place to live and just dealing with him being a general mess for most of his stay. Happy wasn't buying it though.
"C'mon, Peter," Happy said. "What's up?"
Peter sighed, realizing once again that his poker face was absolutely the worst on the planet.
"I just don't know why I can't put it on yet," he said. "I feel like it should've been long enough by now, and I really feel like I am doing better, but every time I even go near it, it's like I fall apart all over again."
Happy nodded gently.
"I guess we just can't force ourselves to be better," was all he said in response, but it was still enough for Peter to chew on for a bit. As much as he hated it, Happy was right. No matter how many times he tried to force the issue with the suit, he just wasn't going to be able to get out there until he was ready. The frustrating part was that he had no idea how long that was going to be.
"You know what," Happy said, tapping Peter on the shoulder with a friendly backhand, "I think I might know just the thing to help get your mind off things!" He then got up in a hurry from the table, moving faster than Peter had been used to seeing him, thought that still wasn't saying too much if he was honest. He heard what sounded like some rummaging through a closet space, and after a moment, Happy had returned carrying none other than a Connect Four game.
"This always helped get me through the hard times when I was your age," Happy said, setting the game down on the table. "Though, to be fair, I never faced something like this when I was your age, but I'm confident that..."
Peter smacked himself in the face with his hands, holding them there as he leaned back on the chair for a moment, as a realization hit him.
"Okay kid, I'm sorry," Happy said, already starting to pick up the game from the table. "We can do something else if..."
"No; sorry," Peter said, waving his hands vigorously to drive his point home. "That wasn't about the game."
"Oh, okay," Happy said, still appearing a bit confused, even a little uneasy as he placed the game back down where it was before.
"I just realized something," Peter clarified, "you've been always checking on me, but I haven't hardly asked how you have been." Even once the words were out, the guilt still washed over Peter. How could he be so insensitive to his host that way?
"Oh, don't worry about me," Happy said, waving a quick dismissive hand before sitting back down again.
"Oh come on, Happy," Peter said, his words coming out sounding a little more accusatory than he intended. He dialed it back a little as he continued: "There's no way you're just okay man. NO ONE is okay right now!"
"Peter, really," Happy said, his voice just a tad sterner at first before mellowing out when he resumed, "I'm fine. The truth is, I've been much more fortunate than most. Yeah, losing Tony, my best friend, has been hard for sure, but both my parents are still here, so that's a win." Happy looked almost sheepish as he finished.
"That's awesome," Peter said.
"It is, but I was nervous to say anything to you about it," Happy said.
Peter was suddenly confused, narrowing his eyebrows at his host.
"Why?" he asked.
Happy looked away for a moment before answering.
"I didn't want it to seem like salt on your wound," Happy said. "You didn't just lose a good friend, like I did. You lost the only family you had left. I... I guess I just didn't want to drive home further what you lost."
Peter took Happy's words in, looking down at the table. On the one hand, he understood the man's reasoning, and if he was being honest, there might have been a time where it would've felt like salt in the wound of his losses, even if he would've still been grateful for Happy. On the other hand, he still felt bad for not even inquiring about it to begin with.
"Look, kid, you've got a good heart," Happy said, "so I understand where you're coming from, and yeah, it's still hard. I think of Tony every day, but I'm getting along. Work has helped keep me busy, for one."
"How is that going anyway?" Peter asked, seeing perhaps if there was more to dive into there.
"Not too bad," Happy replied, but something in Happy's voice didn't seem right to Peter, as he avoided eye contact with him.
"I imagine it's not easy right now," Peter said. "Aren't you like, head of security or something?"
"Yeah, and it's definitely hectic, but you know, Happy Hogan is on the case," the man replied, but his usual cheerful demeanor seemed a little more forced than normal.
"Happy, is something going on there?" Peter asked.
Happy let out a heavy sigh before finally giving in.
"Guess you're not the only one with a lousy poker face," he said. "Things have been pretty good up until the last couple weeks. We've been dealing with some thefts of Stark tech, but we've had no luck trying to find the perps or recover the stolen items."
"Happy, why didn't you tell me about this?" Peter asked. "I could've..."
"Helped?" Happy said, finishing his sentence before he could. "Peter, the last thing you need right now is something to stress you about not being out there even more, or worse, actually motivating you enough to get out there before you're ready. I wasn't going to take a chance on either of those things if I could help it."
Peter could find nothing to say in response, only resting his face in his hand. He hated to admit it, but he could see where Happy was coming from. Unfortunately, that still didn't negate the feeling of guilt that only continued to pervade him.
After all, there was no one else anymore. Just him.
"Here man," Happy said, opening the box to the game, "maybe this will help take your mind off some things. It always worked for me. Do you play this much?"
"Not really," Peter said, sitting back up from his previously slouched position. "Ned and I went through a phase of playing it for a time but moved on after a while."
"Well," Happy said as he assembled the game, "I'll have you know that I happen to be undefeated, so, you know, good luck."
"Really?" Peter said, already looking to poke a hole in Happy's Connect Four power trip. "How many different people did you play against?"
Happy's prideful expression shifted to a more embarrassed one.
"Just my parents," he admitted sheepishly, "but we played a lot!"
"And how long has it been since you played?" Peter inquired.
"You know what, since you are so eager to show me up, why don't you go first?" Happy said, pushing the red pieces over to Peter.
"Alright," Peter said. He picked up a piece, dropping it right down the middle row.
"Aww, bad move kid," Happy said. "You should never start in the middle."
"The middle gives one the most opportunities though," Peter retorted. "Now I can go either way."
"We'll see about that!" Happy fired back, picking up a piece and blocking Peter's move on his right side.
It didn't take too long for Peter's strategy to win out, placing the fourth piece in a row to form a diagonal line.
"Connect Four," Peter said proudly, slowly reclining back in his seat as he crossed his arms and gave Happy a stare. The man was flabbergasted, trying to figure out how his much younger opponent had so easily played him.
"Beginner's luck!" he finally protested, emptying the pieces out.
"We'll see," Peter replied. "Anyway, winner goes first though, right?"
"Alright," Happy said, "but that was just a warmup. I'm ready now."
"Uh huh," Peter retorted, once again placing his first piece in the middle once more.
They would end up playing for quite some time. Happy did go on to win a few, but Peter took most of the games. The pettier side of him had to admit to enjoying every second of Happy's reactions to his victories, and he was an easy target to get riled up. However, the actual goal of their little competition was only partially met. Peter's mind only continued to return to his inability to put on the suit, compounded by what Happy had said about the recent thefts of Stark technology. He did genuinely enjoy himself that evening, but he just couldn't truly get the matter out of his head.
Then again, what else was new?
The next day, Peter spent most of his time at the apartment. He had gone in to do some volunteer work at F.E.A.S.T. The building was going through an inspection that afternoon, so Martin had kept the essential volunteers, such as cooks and medical workers, around, but otherwise had the building as clear as possible for the inspectors. As such he had challenged his volunteers that were there in the morning to work extra hard, and Peter certainly felt he had risen to the challenge, having completed his series of cleaning tasks in no time.
He and M.J. had worked together for most of that time and had agreed to meet at the library later that evening. It was still early for him to leave, but he figured he'd head on in anyway, figuring he'd just grab a book or look up a science journal in their database to read. He came into the living room, grabbed his key to the apartment and was soon on his way out.
As he walked to the library, Peter's thoughts were constantly about M.J. His mind was going crazy, and he was starting to feel nervous for some reason. If he was being honest, he'd been feeling that way around her more and more, particularly the last few days, which was very strange since things had been a lot better between them since their rendezvous on the roof a week ago. Really, things seemed better than ever between them, and Peter had seen her smile more than any time before. Every time she smiled directly at him, his heart seemed to skip a beat, and he found himself feeling a little weak in the knees.
In short, Peter was beginning to wonder if there was an idea he was going to have to acknowledge soon as truth soon: the idea that he liked M.J. He'd tried not to even let his brain get that far up until this point, but it was becoming more and more difficult. M.J. was the one subject Happy didn't talk to about with him for extended periods, perhaps because he picked up on Peter's uneasiness about it, or maybe just because he didn't want to make it seem like he was pushing Peter into a something too quickly. Soon though, he wondered if he might not need to talk about it with someone.
Finally coming to the door, Peter entered the library. He quickly went to the section with the most complicated and deepest branches of science he could find, hoping to find some heavy concepts that would settle his mind at least a little before M.J. arrived. Scanning through the aisles, he found a couple thick heavy books containing various studies in different scientific fields, ranging from chemistry to physics. He grabbed them and took them to a table, diving headlong into them.
His idea must have worked at least a little, because Peter glanced at the time on his phone and realized it was exactly 6:00 P.M, which was the time he and M.J. had agreed to meet. He suddenly became concerned; it was unusual for her to not be early to something, much less actually running late. He set his phone on the table in case he got a message from her, continuing his reading.
Peter checked his phone again a few minutes later, and there was no message or call. A few minutes later only produced the same result. Finally, at around 6:10, Peter was seriously contemplating texting her to see if she was still coming. He was also starting to feel nervous; had M.J. picked up on his potential feelings towards her and decided to keep away from him? He had to be overthinking things, but he hated the thought that he perhaps had done even the slightest thing to make things weird between them.
He was finally about to text her when Peter heard what sounded like someone running in his direction. He glanced up and there was M.J, who came upon his table in a hurry.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm late!" she apologized profusely. "I just, uhm, the bus broke down on the way here. Yeah, it was really bad, but hey, I still made it. A little late, but still!"
Peter heard what she said, but he found himself too distracted to respond, instead finding himself caught off guard by her appearance. She was wearing a modest floral dress and a jacket, and her long, curly hair was down for the first time that he had ever seen it.
She looked beautiful.
"I'm really sorry," M.J. said, and Peter finally snapped out of his trance, picking up on her nerves from his lack of a response.
"Nono, it's fine, really," Peter clarified. "Sorry, I was just, you know, caught up in my reading. I am a nerd after all."
Some excuse that was.
They both kind of stood there, unable to move or say anything, before Peter finally spoke up.
"You, uh, want to sit down?"
"Oh yeah, sure," M.J. said, taking a seat in a nearby chair.
Deciding to be a little daring, Peter decided to bring up her appearance.
"You look nice tonight," he said, the sentence feeling almost as if it came out all as one word.
"Oh, thanks," M.J. replied, glancing down at her dress momentarily before looking back at Peter. "It... I don't know, I guess I was just feeling this tonight."
Okay, so far so good; he had said the right stuff so far. Still, Peter could feel himself getting a little warm as his nerves persisted, so he opted to change the subject.
"Cool. Oh, did you hear anything about how the inspection went at F.E.A.S.T. today?"
"It went well from what I heard," M.J. said. "I still have a place to stay at least."
"That's always good," he replied, the conversation feeling like it was constantly hanging by a thread.
M.J. then appeared to gather herself, like she was getting ready to bring up something big or important.
"Peter, there's something I've wanted to ask you."
Peter's heart felt like it stopped, and he held his breath in anticipation of what she would say next.
"Have you... seen or heard from Spider-Man since, you know, everything went down?"
Peter wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved that she was asking about his alter ego's whereabouts instead of... something else. Now, however, he was feeling a little guilt over yet another thing: the fact that he would have to answer her with what would technically be a lie.
"Uhm, no, I haven't actually," he replied. "I have no idea where he is." Since he couldn't find the will to be Spider-Man right now, he figured this was close enough to the truth.
"Do you think you might see him soon?" M.J. asked.
"I honestly have no idea," he replied. His body language was starting to drop a little as the thoughts of his struggle to put on the suit started to permeate his mind once more.
"Well, if you do see him, do you think you could pass along something to him?" she asked. Peter looked at her with confusion on his face but nodded in response. She then reached into one of her jacket pockets, pulling out a folded-up piece of paper and offering it to Peter. He took it, his mind racing with questions as to what it could be. M.J. didn't seem like the note passing type, but maybe he misjudged her.
"I'll pass it along if I see him," he said, starting to stuff the paper in his pocket.
"Wait," M.J. said hurriedly before recomposing himself. "I mean, you don't have to put it away yet. I was actually kind of wondering if you think he might like it?"
Now he was really confused, but at least he had permission to look at Peter Parker. He unfolded the paper to discover that it was not a note or anything that he would've guessed. Instead, it was a design for a new suit. It was fundamentally the same, but with black in place of where the blue was, and some other noted changes, such as the size of the eyes.
"Wow," Peter said. "This is... yeah, I think he will like it."
"You think so?" M.J. asked.
Peter smiled back at her.
"Absolutely."
The rest of their time together was actually quite nice, and the two of them ended up just hanging out and talking all the way until the library closed. It wasn't just superficial talk either, but they opened up more to each other about their childhoods and some of their more serious interests in life. By the time they had said their goodbyes and he had finally got back to the apartment, his mind was going crazy. A hot shower did nothing to fix this, and eventually Peter just turned into his room, collapsing on his bed.
He thought of the design for the new Spider-Man suit she had given him to "pass along." It was a wonderful gesture, and something he might have to ponder more, but it didn't take long for his brain to return to how nice the evening had been with M.J, and how beautiful she looked in her nice outfit with her hair down.
Peter had no clue where to go from here, or if he should even try to go anywhere at all, but there was one thing he knew for sure now.
He DEFINITELY liked M.J.
Hope you all are still enjoying it! I struggled a little bit at this point in terms of how realistic Peter developing a crush might be right now. On the one hand, he's still dealing with immense personal tragedy and guilt, but at the same time, he's kind of had to force himself to develop all new relationships in general, so it could be plausible. By now, several weeks, even some months have passed since the whole thing on Titan, so there is some passage of time at least.
At the end of the day, it's a story about a guy who can crawl up walls and punch through a wall, so I know I shouldn't think about this too hard, but still.
Anyway, onward!
Continuing to pray for you all; stay safe and healthy!
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
