Chapter 2 (of 4): Kikyo

It's been months since Kagome left.

We've gotten into a routine, the one I longed for in my past life. We get up in the morning, make food, visit the children in the village, help with exorcisms and demons in nearby areas. We come home, InuYasha visits the others, then somewhere in the night we sit by the fire and rest.

It's been a lovely slice of a life I've yearned for. And though it's been everything I had wished; I know it's not the one he wishes for. He doesn't know it, but I've seen him sneak off at night. I followed him once, making sure to stay far enough behind so he couldn't sense me. That night, as he does every couple of nights, ended up with him at the same spot, sitting beside the wells edge, staring up at the stars.

I watched him for hours. I watched the moon move in and out from behind clouds, stars shooting across the sky like arrows from my bow and every single time he closed his eyes, a sort of sadness fell across his face, a wish made but unanswered.

I think about who I was before, the type of person I used to be, when my heart beat in my chest and my soul was mine and mine alone. I remember the days I would sit with InuYasha, watching the village from the top of the hill, talking at a distance, wanting nothing but to touch him, and now I can. With this body made of bone and clay, I can.

But did I want the same things I wanted then?

Before Kagome left, a few weeks after we had defeated Naraku, I had watched from the forest line as the group celebrated by the light of the fire, a new moon in the sky. I had never seen InuYasha in his human form, not back then before I struck him to the tree for an eternal sleep. He had always run off those nights, to where, I was never sure.

Even that night, he had asked if he could go to them. It wasn't that I wouldn't have let him, it wasn't even that it hurt that he had wanted to be with them when he was vulnerable, instead of me. It was that he hadn't asked me to join, knowing that my presence would always break Kagome's heart.

So I had watched him that night, playing games with Sango and Miroku, chasing Shippo and Kirara around the village. Kagome had brought home sparklers from her time, sticks that when struck with fire caused small fireworks to go off. Bright fizzing lights dancing from their hands. She had made all of them stand by the fire holding these sparklers, singing a song I could not hear. She had turned to InuYasha then, leaning her head on his shoulder and not once did he flitch, not once did he blush or make an excuse to move away.

Instead, he had leaned into her, black hair falling from his shoulders, a sparkler in his hand lighting up his face in the moonless night.

I had never seen him so peaceful.

I had watched their time here and there, wanting to know how we could share the same soul yet be so different.

It was only when she had left that I had realized how similar we are. The kindness I had been taught had carried on for centuries, across time, still shining in the same soul. She had given up her chance to be with InuYasha, so that he could keep his promise to me.

I understood her now.

I understood the love she felt for him – I had felt it too, a lifetime ago.

The life I had yearned for, all those living years, I had dreamed perhaps, when InuYasha and I were different people. The people we are now, I'm not sure share the same wish.

We had both wanted a companion to share our lives with, when our lives were empty, and we were cast aside, never to have normal human wants. I had wanted a simple life, as a wife and mother, instead of as the great protector of the Shikon jewel. I had wanted a family in a small village in a humble hut.

InuYasha had wanted someone to finally accept him, to care for him the way he wanted to care for someone.

Back then, we wanted the same things when we were the same people. Back then, we had loved each other.

But now?

Maybe my desires were still the same – a family and a home, but was it with InuYasha that I wanted those things with? Was I the person he now wanted?

So many years had passed since then, and InuYasha had grown without me. His once stone heart had melted, beating with a softness I had never known. Watching him with his friends, I can see the newfound strength that had breathed life into him. He cares more, laughs more. And with Kagome, loves, more.

A part of me is overwhelmed with sadness when I realize this. Because I truly did love him once. I loved him with my whole heart. I was going to live the rest of my life with this man. But time had changed us. And the love I held for him beat differently.

It's bittersweet, I think. That we get to have the lives we promised each other in our youth, only to realize that we have outgrown them. This world we created, this love we vowed, has passed, just as I had.


"InuYasha…Come here, sit with me." I pat the patch of grass next to me, moving my bow and arrows to the side, giving him room. He tilts his head and shrugs his shoulders, sitting down next to me. The autumn air is crisp this morning, a slight chill runs down my spine.

"Are you cold?" He asks. I nod my head but wrap my kimono tighter around me.

"Did you want my robe?" He asks and I shake my head. We sit in silence on top the hill, watching the leaves push and pull in the wind, turning a vibrant yellow this time of year.

"I think I'm going to leave the village." I say suddenly, a burst of courage striking my heart. The wind picks up and I almost don't hear his voice.

"What do you mean? Leave to where? Why?" He asks, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. I breathe in and smile at him, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"The promise you made to me, all those years ago," I start, feeling a swift sadness prick at the corner of my eyes. He puts his hand over mine, gently holding it.

"A promise I intend to keep, Kikyo. What are you saying?" He asks, and I can tell that throughout all the years, and regardless of the future, he truly did love me as I had once loved him. A part of my soul sighs at this, a relief to know that it hadn't all been a dream.

"A promise you have already kept. InuYasha…the people we were when we planned that future…You can't possibly think we are still those people today, can you?" I look at him as if he is the only person in this world, because I need him to understand me, the way he used to.

"We are different people now, InuYasha. And the life we want is not the life we are living now. Your heart has changed, and it's a beautiful and kind heart, but it's not the one I fell in love with." I can see his eyes becoming glass and I feel tears slipping from my own. He reaches out and wipes them away with the back of his hand.

"I will always hold you in my heart. Until the day I die, again." He laughs at this, holding my cheek in his hand. I smile back.

This man I have always loved, has taught me so much. I will never forget him.

"But you don't belong to me anymore." I finish. For a moment I wonder if he will fight me, if he will fight to protect me as he always has. But I see in his eyes now, those golden swirls of light, that he is finally accepting what I had accepted a long time ago.

The truth.

"…Kikyo, I'm so sorry. I feel as if I have failed you again. Maybe not with your life, but with your heart." His jaw trembles at the weight of his words and I shake my head violently.

"Oh InuYasha, no. Please, you never failed me, not then and not now. You loved me, and I loved you and that is all I could ever have asked." I place a hand over his on my cheek.

"This is just the wheel of fate, moving in the direction it's supposed to. You will always be my greatest friend." We sit still, the sun dipping lower and lower in the sky and slowly the sadness blanketing us shifts and changes into something else. The love fades into friendship, the truest purest form I have ever known.

"Please be happy." He says to me, smiling. I smile back, a laugh escaping my lips.

"I will." I promise, because now I am my own person, independent from my duty to the jewel, or to a man. I am now on my own, ready to find the happiness I have earned.