Buck was resting on the couch, every now and then he would look nervously around like he couldn't believe he was actually at the firehouse not being yelled at or send to do a number of chores, several times he had tried to get up to start the chores on his own but was immediately directed back to the couch to rest. Chimney and Hen were sitting beside him and telling him about some strange calls they had attended in their time, almost having a competition Buck thought but he smiled and listened. Bobby was in the middle of preparing lunch when Eddie got up to the loft, all talk silenced and everyone looked at Eddie with an expectant look, Buck turned to look at what everyone was staring at and when he saw Eddie his eyes widened with horror
"I'll just get going, maybe do some cleaning downstairs" Buck said trying to rise but was stopped by both Hen and Chimney holding a hand on each of his shoulders
"You will do no such thing Buckaroo" Hen said
"You're exhausting"
"Why can't you just suck it up"
you're pathetic
Nobody wants you around
"Stop, you're lying" Buck whimpered holding his hands over his ears and tears streaming down his cheeks
Why don't you just end it, but you can't even do that now can you
The thoughts were haunting him, in his head there was this manic laughing going on, or maybe that was real, maybe that was his own manic laughter, he had gone completely crazy and now all the others would realise
"What's happening to him" Eddie asked worried, wanting so badly to go over there and make his best friend stop, but at the same time being frozen in place for some reason
"Buck they are just thoughts, and we won't let Eddie hurt you" Hen said rubbing circles on Buck's bag
"What do you mean let me hurt him? I'm not going to hurt him" Eddie defended and suddenly became able to move again. "What's wrong with him, why won't he stop that rocking back and forth and why is he laughing in that way" Eddie asked when he came over to the couch and in horror looked at the boney image of his best friend looking like a mad man in the couch
"Because I can't even kill myself" Buck laughed in that strange manic way. "I'm exhausting and I can't just suck it up" Buck laughed, making Eddie uncomfortable and nauseous and repulsed at himself for ever having said those words
"I… I can't do this" Eddie said and turned and ran for the bathroom. Buck continued with his manic laughter and Eddie could hear it clear as day in his own head long after Buck had stopped and the door to the bathroom had closed, he went to the nearest sink and started vomiting and that's how Bobby found him
"I know how it feels" Bobby said
"Do you?" Eddie spat when he finally was done vomiting
"You don't wanna look at him knowing that's your fault he is in that state, you think that if you just don't look everything will be okay but deep down it isn't and you beat yourself up over that, becoming self destructive and aggressive and that's not you Eddie, and it sure as hell isn't what Buck needs or would want for you, he still cares about you why else would your words be the ones that hurts the most?" Bobby said and Eddie for once listened
"I just can't look at him in that state, that's not Buck sitting in there, it's barely a shell of him" Eddie said
"I know and that's on us, all of us, for hurting him and not being there for him, but that's what we have the chance to change now" Bobby said
"I don't know Cap" Eddie said
"Promise me you'll try" Bobby asked and Eddie nodded his consent after a little while
