Two Months Later
"What?!"
Haruhi replied with a curt nod.
"Yeah. I'm staying here."
Ranka held his head as he tried to process the information. Haruhi? Giving up on Harvard? What happened? Was she under a spell or something? She had to be!
Haruhi continued to hold herself confidently. If she slipped from her sure demeanor even once, she could lose all credibility.
"You didn't think that was why I never booked the flight? I'm sorry if this seems like short notice but I'm serious about this. I'm not going to Boston."
Haruhi tried to reiterate that she was staying in Japan. As for the last few months, everyone was sad that she would be going so far away. Nervous that they'd lose contact with her. Especially Ranka and Tamaki.
So she thought, if she emphasized that the problem wouldn't exist in the first place, they would have some semblance of a positive reaction.
Unfortunately, she thought wrong.
Ranka blanched.
""Short notice"? This goes so far beyond the realm of short notice, Haruhi!"
Haruhi finally broke her demeanor for a moment by flinching. She had known that her friends, peers, and father wouldn't react well to the news. But she hadn't expected him to yell at her.
That one break, that one moment of hesitance, gave him leverage to keep arguing. She knew it did. She wished that there was some way she could have known beforehand so she would have stayed steady.
Ranka couldn't help the rage that flooded him. How could she throw away such a massive opportunity that he wished he had? On a whim especially? This wasn't the person he raised!
"You said, since before middle school, that you were going to Harvard to be a lawyer! But now, one week before you were supposed to start your classes, you change your mind?!"
It was hard not to show the tremors that had begun clamping down on her limbs.
"I'm sorry. I tried telling you earlier. I just—"
"You just what?"
"You didn't give me an opportunity to tell you! I've been trying to find an opening all week! But I could never get a word in until now!"
Ranka couldn't contain his anger. He thought he knew his daughter! How could she be so reckless?
"So your change of plans only happened one week ago? How are any of us supposed to take that seriously? You spent nine years preparing for Harvard, only to back out at the very last minute?!"
An urge to spill the rest caught in her throat. The fact that she only tried out for Harvard—to be a lawyer even—because of peer pressure. The fact that she only got to recognize what she was actually interested in three years ago. The fact that the only reason she maintained her reputation as the perfect student was to match the expectations put on her.
As much as she wanted to say it, she didn't want her father to leave her life. She was too scared to be left without both of her parents. It was her only weakness, and sometimes she wondered if her father knew that.
She bit her tongue.
"I know. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. But I mean it! I don't want to go to Boston!"
The wording she used with her last statement gave access to the last bit of leverage needed. She didn't want to go. But she didn't say she couldn't be forced into going. She could, as desperate as she was to fight back. She had to fight back. This was her last chance to avoid the miserable three years waiting for her if she went to Boston.
As much as she tried to reassure herself and everyone around her that she wasn't scared of being in a different country all alone. She was. She was so terrified of it that the sheer idea made her nauseous on multiple occasions.
"So you're willing to give up those six years of hard work that all of us chipped into just before it was supposed to pay off? Do you realize how childish you're being?"
Haruhi visibly shrank back.
"Childish"? That was one of the things that she had avoided being called for most of her life. Being seen as a "gifted" child. A girl who was so much more mature than everyone else her age.
But, that had just been thrown out the window.
"Dad—"
"I don't want to hear it! If you think you can make it by just throwing away opportunities like that, then you can figure the finances out on your own!"
Something in Haruhi's chest tightened. Something that allowed her to breath.
"What do you mean?"
Ranka didn't even need to speak to tell Haruhi what he was implying.
At this point, it didn't matter if he had truly meant it or not. The rug had been so violently pulled out from under her that it seemed to take the ground with it. The finances barely mattered next to the threat of her father cutting contact with her.
All of a sudden, whatever light she could see at the end if the tunnel was gone.
She had reassured herself leading up to the conversation. The tunnel was dark, and it was scary not seeing where she was going, but there was light at the end. If she just got through these tough conversations, she would make it.
She made it through telling her teachers.
She made it through telling her friends.
The light felt so close she almost touched it. Warmth on her fingertips.
But then, she slipped and fell. And there was no light at all.
So close.
But it wasn't going to happen.
She should have expected to be disappointed.
"I'm joking."
For the first time since the beginning of the argument, the home was quiet. Ranka's eyes narrowed with confusion.
"What?"
Haruhi fought to hold back her tears.
"I was just joking. I would never give up on such an opportunity. I'm sorry I thought it was a good idea to joke about that."
"I'm sorry I got you thinking that I don't want what you wanted for me."
Ranka was still for a moment. Before guilt prickled up every part of his body. He should have guessed. From the first moment, he should have guessed. Why had he been so quick to accuse her of being serious? He knew her.
Ranka's face softened.
"No, I'm sorry. I should have understood that it was a joke. I guess I'm not used to you cracking jokes."
Haruhi forced a smile, a burning sensation riding up from her lungs and into her throat. She should have known that she didn't have the guts. She shouldn't have set herself up for heartbreak. She always did.
"It's better this way. My idea wasn't financially stable, anyway. I would have let everyone down. It's too late to back out. It'll be fine."
Despite her internal, attempted reassurance, her throat burned even worse. She needed to leave the room before she started sobbing right in front of her father.
"It's okay... I could have handled it better. I want to go, I promise."
That lie, despite having been used on a daily basis for over nine years, hurt so badly to say that she could feel the tears trying to force their way into visibility. Her eyeballs so sore from the pressure it seemed they were about to pop.
"It's okay, sweetheart. I should have known. It was too unlike you. You wouldn't do something so impulsive."
Haruhi only nodded.
"Well, I have to go to work. Let me know if you need anything!"
Ranka had returned to his normal demeanor. Strutting out the door with an extravagant wave and a bright smile. Barely missing Haruhi's glassy eyes.
Only when it was completely quiet did she turn around. Going into her room, and letting the bag holding back her tears to finally rip open. Sobs erupting from the quiet apartment. Getting her phone out to call someone, and only getting a few words out when he answered.
The career she wanted wasn't the only thing that had gone. It was bad enough in middle school and at Ouran when it was simple jokes that kept Haruhi from pursuing relationships. She'd hoped that once in college, she could start something with the person she still had feelings for. As neither of them had made a move since that day in the club's changing room.
Now, that was gone as well. It only made things worse. This wouldn't just hurt her, it would hurt him as well. But there was no other option.
"I can't, I'm sorry."
One Week Later
She wasn't ready. She was so not ready. She knew that she wasn't ready. But how could she back out now?
Last week was too sudden. Now she was actually there. It was too late.
Haruhi tried to settle her breathing as she stood alone in her dorm room. It was so silent, and so obvious that she wasn't supposed to be there. But it was too late.
She tried her luck talking to Ranka. But it didn't work. She gave in. Why shouldn't she just accept that she was stuck?
As much as her own thoughts tried to guilt her into calming down, it only made it worse. Haruhi's breathing picked up, she had never had a panic attack before, but knew what was happening. Having assisted some of her classmates through them multiple times. Only realizing the next moment that she was completely alone, nobody could help her. Then again, she wouldn't have asked for help if they were there. She was the perfect student, the perfect daughter. How could she have a panic attack?
All Haruhi could do was isolate herself further in the bathroom while she was hit by the panic attack. Even then there seemed to be judging eyes on her despite the lights being off.
She couldn't do this.
