"I wish I could believe you, then I'd be alright.
But now everything you told me, really don't apply...
to the way I feel inside."
~Beyoncé from the song Resentment
~Six months earlier~
June 2012
Resentment is an ugly emotion built upon a foundation of repeated offenses and betrayals. The more it festers, the more vicious and monstrous it becomes.
Misa Amane is the queen of bottling up bitterness.
She willingly played the fool for years as a way to forget the trauma of her past. With a pen in hand she helped the man she viewed a savior slaughter thousands, delivering the same terror and anguish she'd once felt to the ones left behind. Not once did she consider what assisting in Kira's pursuit of power implied about her own character.
No, it would be more accurate to say that she didn't care.
She had what she wanted.
She had what she needed.
That was all that mattered.
So what if she was a hypocrite?
So what if it was all a lie?
With giddy, self-indulgent enthusiasm, she told Light Yagami to use her.
She didn't want to face the loneliness grief brought anymore.
And on some level, she didn't want to heal.
In Misa's mind, healing meant forgiving.
She wasn't going to forgive anything. She wanted vengeance against them all.
So she begged Light to use her over and over.
And he did. Over and over again.
Kira's grand plan for the world was her distraction. His goals helped her run from the rage constantly coursing through her blood. It didn't matter that the monster responsible for murdering her family had been dead and gone for years.
Even as his face became a more distant and dim memory with each passing day, the hatred continued to build and build regardless.
Time didn't heal anything.
Misa kept killing and killing and killing and killing and killing and killing and...
...
It was never good enough.
She was never good enough.
And now, sitting alone in the dark with a crystal goblet of blood-red wine in hand, Misa thinks she might hate Light too.
An apple scented candle flickers haphazardly from its place along the glass coffee table.
The power had gone out an hour ago.
Misa didn't bother going to the circuit box to see which one had blown. The darkness is better for thinking anyway.
She takes another sip of wine, chuckling to herself as the smell of apples reaches her nose.
"Is that Shinigami watching them have sex right now?"
It's a hilariously disturbing thought. Misa can easily envision Ryuk hovering in the room with an expression of sheer fright and disgust as Light approaches his mistress, his hands reaching for the buttons of her blouse without any regard for the ghoulish witness in the background. She can even hear the Shinigami shouting, "Ack! At least give me a chance to leave the room before starting up these nasty mating rituals!"
Misa laughs out loud, but the sound of it rings hollow in her ears.
And then, an invasive memory of Ryuk and Rem watching when Light first kissed her surfaces.
Her laughter cuts off abruptly.
The thought of Shimigami watching intimate moments isn't so funny anymore.
Another long sip of wine follows.
"Aaah! That's definitely the good stuff! I could drink this every day!"
The bright exclamation is met with silence.
Cold, bitter silence.
Misa smirks after another few seconds, her gaze drifting to her Death Note lying open next to the candle.
"I'd kill him if I didn't love him so much."
Granted, Light's first name was already written in a haphazard splattering of crimson ink.
Misa is nothing if not dramatic, but she knows she won't write the rest.
She won't reveal the evidence of her resentment either, although she'd be lying if she said she wasn't tempted to show him the page. His expression of terror would offer a quick dose of sweet satisfaction. Yes, for a few fleeting seconds, he would remember just how easily she could topple his entire kingdom of "justice".
It's amazing how powerful a few strokes of a pen can be.
It's amazing how fast a man can take a loyal woman for granted.
Misa won't kill him.
She won't threaten him with the Death Note or plunge a knife into his chest.
After all, she loves Light Yagami with her whole heart. He's the man that punished her parent's murderer. She'll always feel indebted to him for that.
Besides, didn't she swear her undying loyalty to him?
Would she really throw all that away over one instance of infidelity?
Well...it wasn't just one time, now was it?
Feeling the beginnings of a headache, Misa gently sets her glass on top of the table and rips out the page with Light's name in it. She stares at the English letters that form his first name, her heart heavy with emotions she can't begin to decipher.
"All I wanted was for you to love me. Was that really too much to ask?"
