Eddie could not deal with this right now. He wanted to pass out in his bed and forget about life for a few hours. But now Buck was standing in his living room with his chest puffed out, looking for a fight. Eddie didn't think he had the restraint for this. He was less likely to fix anything and more likely to make it all implode.
"There's nothing to settle," Eddie ground out, glaring as much as he could with his busted eye. It was throbbing with every blink. A nap and some over-the-counter painkillers weren't going to do much to help, but it was better than this.
"Would you stop being so damn stubborn and talk to me?" Buck asked in exasperation. As if he was the wronged party. As if he wasn't the cause of all of this.
"You're not going to like what I have to say," Eddie warned, shaking his head.
"How about being honest for once?" Buck shot back.
"Excuse me?" Eddie was sure that his concussion must've been messing with his hearing, because he couldn't have just heard what he thought he heard. Buck was the person he'd been the most honest with in his entire life.
"You've never let me in, at least not all the way. Trying to get anything out of you is like pulling teeth!"
"How dare you? I've told you things that I've never told anyone before! Forgive me if I don't want to hear it parroted back by your asshole lawyer," Eddie snapped.
"Eddie, I'm sorry he brought that up. I had no idea that he was going to do that. But he didn't say anything that wasn't already on record."
"And you think that matters? What about the stuff about everyone else? Was that on record too?"
"I was trying to get my job back. Why can't you understand that?" Buck exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "Do you think I wanted to do all this? Do you think it didn't kill me being separated from everyone? I did this so I could come back."
"Did you ever stop to think that Bobby was just doing what was best for you? Do you think it was easy for me to go in there today and tell him I couldn't do my job for a while? No, but I did it anyway and I listened to my Captain when he told me to go home."
"For a week or two, not possibly forever. I'm not some soldier on the battlefield who blindly follows the chain of command," Buck argued. Eddie scoffed, raising his eyebrows in annoyance. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Bobby was just looking out for you," Eddie ground out, refusing to be goaded into another direction. He was not this emotionless robot that Buck seemed to be convinced he was. "He would've let you back once you were ready."
"I was ready! I am ready."
"He was trying to protect you."
"I would've been fine."
"Really? If there had been a situation where Bobby told you to hold back, would you have? Or would you have done the typical Buck thing and do whatever you want?" Eddie challenged.
"You mean my job?"
"Your job is to help people and make it to the end of your shift! Not skate by by the skin of your teeth. Just because you don't care whether or not you make it out alive doesn't mean the rest of us don't. Do you know how devastated they would be if they lost you? How devastated I would be?" Eddie choked out, feeling his body start to tremble from the pain. It was pain from the fight outside the warehouse, not the fight he was currently involved in.
"I do what it takes to get the job done. I thought you of all people would understand that," Buck said quietly.
"You thought I would understand you being so selfish?"
"I figured someone who has been to war would understand necessary risks," Buck said defensively.
"I did that for my family. Do you think I enjoyed it?"
"And I do this because you all are my family! Because I'm gonna do anything I can to keep you all safe!"
"Dammit Buck, why do you see yourself as expendable?" Eddie shouted, dragging a shaky hand over his sweaty forehead. "Do you know how much the guilt would eat me alive if something happened to you and I couldn't stop it? And if I had to watch it happen?"
"What are we even talking about now? We're supposed to be fixing our relationship, not focusing on your misconceptions about me."
"Nice deflection," Eddie scoffed, smirking at him in annoyance. "You're the one who wanted to do this, so what's the problem? It's not so fun when you're on the other side."
"I gotta say, petty isn't a very good look on you."
"Is it pettiness or just being honest? I thought that's what you wanted?"
"Actually, I was wrong when I said you don't show emotion. You show anger just fine."
"Oh, screw you. That's not true," Eddie argued. Just because he liked to keep things private didn't mean he was closed off. He'd been raised to deal with things quietly and that was all he knew. Eddie tried his best to show Christopher that it was okay to be open with your emotions, but he was different. Eddie was meant to be the support, not the one supported.
"The hell it isn't. The only time you show anything else is when you're backed into a corner or you can't hold it in anymore. You never consciously let anything out. And you've never truly let me in. Not on purpose at least."
"Are you serious?" Eddie choked out, taking an unconscious step back. "How could you say that to me, after everything we've been through together? I saw you as the one person on this earth who I trusted the most and you're saying I never let you in? Because I didn't give you exactly what you expected of me?"
"What was I supposed to think? You just dropped me and now you're giving me the cold shoulder," Buck replied, slumping his shoulders.
"I dropped you? You were the one who made it so we couldn't talk anymore."
"My lawyer said-"
"And I didn't even get to hear it from you. I heard it from Bobby. You told Bobby and not me."
"Because telling you would've been too hard."
"Shouldn't that have told you something? Why didn't that tell you that you were making the wrong decision?" Eddie asked, closing his eyes as his head pounded.
"Eddie, nothing I did was ever about hurting you. It was never my intention," Buck said softly. Eddie really couldn't deal with Buck using that voice on him. It was too much and he was barely holding it together as it was.
"What do you think I told Christopher when he asked where you were? Do you have any idea what it was like hearing him ask if you were mad at him and that was why you didn't come around anymore?"
"Shit, Eddie-"
"And then he asked if it was my fault. If I had done something to push you away. He was upset with me but I still never said a bad word about you."
"Why not?"
"What?"
"Why not tell him it was my fault and that I was being a jerk?" Buck asked.
"Because I'm an idiot."
"No, you're not. So tell me the real reason," Buck pressed.
"Just leave it alone. It doesn't matter."
"It does matter! You say you're honest and not emotionless, so prove it," Buck demanded.
"Because I was hoping you would come back! Are you happy now?" Eddie shouted, making himself dizzy from the force of his confession. "I wanted us back." Buck was staring at him with what looked like hopeful eyes, but Eddie wasn't sure. Things were actually getting a bit blurry.
"Back to how we were before?" Buck asked hesitantly.
"Better. More," Eddie whispered, blinking rapidly. He wasn't feeling so great. "Buck, I-"
"Eddie?" Buck was saying something, but Eddie couldn't focus. The floor felt like it was shifting under his feet, just like the day of the earthquake. He felt himself falling, but before he could hit the ground, a pair of strong arms caught him. "Eddie!"
"Buck," Eddie mumbled, moaning as Buck lowered him carefully to the floor. Buck's panicked face was hovering above his and all Eddie could feel was regret from his harsh words. Buck didn't deserve them, but Eddie was blinded by his own pain. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about," Buck sniffled. "Just stay awake, okay?" Eddie hummed in response, but there was nothing he could do. The last thing he heard before he was lost to the darkness was Buck repeating his name.
