Late at night, unable to sleep again, too much trouble on my hands. Instead i'll prepare myself a cup of tea, and sit here in the living room, to ponder by myself.

Its getting more common, the sleepless nights, the busy days, I almost have no time to give to my son, even if he can pretty much take care of himself even I know a child isn't meant to be alone all the time, granted that care-free Taiga takes care of him, but she's not a great...guardian, while I appreciate her assistance very much, it seems every time I come from abroad all I hear is in how much trouble the kid gets into.

Yes ,he's mature for his age but one wonders what goes on in his head when he gets home marked in bruises, or I hear a story of him running around saving animals, or beating up bullies. The first time those incidents happened, I stopped him in his tracks and he seemed to understand at the time, but when I'm not home and can't watch over him and he seems to get back into the same habit. Taiga tries to stop it but it seems the kid lacks, let's say, the respect one would expect for what's pretty much his big sister at this point.

To be fair, compared to Taiga, I'm not really much better, while I try to be a good father I was not prepared for the challenges that title would make me face. The first few months I foolishly thought that it would be simple, the only concerns in my mind were our house and granting the kid a somewhat peaceful life. But my expectations were subverted pretty quickly, first of all I didn't know most of the responsibilities that came with such a thing, I wasn't concerned with things such as chores, for example, while Taiga happily volunteered to take care of it, most of the time Shirou wanted to do everything himself, and while embarrassing to say, I'm not the best cook so I would order take-out most of the time, much to the detriment of my child who chooses what id buy instead of my mediocre dishes, he preferred cooking much better. Or the time when I had to finally enroll him in a school, he couldn't get along with the other kids, despite the teachers liking him for his drive to help them in whatever they wanted, whether he was asked or not, he always got into trouble and that gives me quite a lot of calls for school principals alerting me of what happened to him at the school.

And then there's me, without me noticing I was still running away from things, and I unwisely thought I could get away with it, but the fact of the matter is that it would not be long before my past caught up to me...a past that wouldn't let me repent for my sins. In fact my very first grim remainder of my actions came soon after I settled here with Shirou, I knew what I'd done there would affect me in some way but this is, a dangerous burden to carry. If it was only me I would have end it long ago, but my decisions that carried me here wouldn't let me do such a selfish thing, even tough I know what inevitable end such a thing alludes to, its a fate I will face regardless of my choices.

This curse and what will become of me…forgive me Shirou, for the burdens I still carry will be the end of me.

"I can only hope that such a thing will not be detrimental to your future…" I say to no one, like a quiet prayer.

It was already months after the whole incident, but my in my mind it's still clear like it was yesterday, the pain, the memories, the promises...but that's not important right now, I can't pity myself forever, regardless-

"AHHH-" I hear a painful scream, that must be-

I sit up and ran to his room as quickly as possible, there is no time to think. Icannotletanythinghappentohim!-Ineedtoprotecthim!-iwillsavehim!-iwill!-

I open the door rapidly and stop in my tracks to see a sadly familiar scenario…

It breaks my heart, seeing him like this once again, I almost want to apart my view in shame, but I push away the thought as fast as it came. I look to see Shirou-kun, sitting on the bed, grabbing his heart violently as if something is about to escape from him, his head is hung down, staring fiercely at nothing, eyes full of fear and shock.

I come closer to him, kneeling down on the floor, close to the bed he was sleeping in. And cautiously but surely try to wrap my arms around him, trying to comfort him. But before I could even begin to hug him, Shirou rapidly embraces me, as if desperately looking for something to cling to. I return the gesture in kind, and we sit there locked in a hug that seemed to last forever. Then, he begins to weep in my chest, I hold him even more strongly, as If such an act will ease his pained soul.

I began to think again, I'm really an idiot, aren't I?.

Of course, to think it could be this easy, from the moment I tried to save him, to the time I took him from the hospital to adopt him.

I was living a wish, a false hope I clung to it, as if looking for a way to forgive myself, for my own failures, for my own path. I was incredibly careless, what did i think at that moment?, that this will be my crunch, my release?, not at all, the fact is when I took this child, I was not ready to take his every burden, he's not only a survivor, but a victim, that fire…leaved seemingly permanent scars on him, and while Avalon saved him miraculously getting rid of every physical injure he'd endured, one cannot heal the mind as easily. And that fact has come to bite me back, making me pay form my ignorance, just like always.

How foolish of me, but, in the end I can still say, I don't regret saving him, i never will.

If I cannot get rid of his anguish, I can at least give him a shoulder to cry on.

-/-

The next day, is as normal as always.

Walking to the kitchen, I begin making myself some breakfast.

A sleepy Shirou sloppily walks into the kitchen

"Good morning Shirou, want some breakfast?" I say happily

the red-head turns around to see me with a happy expression

he responds, sarcastically "No thanks, I don't want my eggs burned old man"

I'm just relieved he's back to his old self.

"Then would you like me to call Taiga?, maybe she can help us"

Then his face quickly changes to one that's slightly annoyed

"Never mind, I at least want something edible" he approaches the fridge near the sink "at least let me help you"

"Sure, without your help I don't think even a hungry Taiga would eat what I would've make" I reply jokingly.

He laughs, flashing a big smile, while he prepares to cook with me.

I always find myself wishing these moments could last forever.

And so, the days went on.