Fuck. Eddie hadn't meant to say that out loud. But being this close to Buck after all this time, without them shouting at each other, had the words spilling out before he could stop them. And dammit if he hadn't meant them.
You didn't fight with someone like this if there wasn't some sort of passion there. It wasn't always a good passion, but if he was apathetic, Eddie wouldn't have cared enough to bother. At first, he thought it was because Buck was his best friend and he felt betrayed. It was true that they were best friends, but there had been a spark of something more there as well.
It might've started all the way back when Eddie saw Buck with Christopher the first time. The way they took to each other like they'd known each other forever stirred up something inside of him. Buck was a natural with Christopher in ways Eddie felt like he could only dream of. There was no questioning Eddie's love for his son, but there were other areas he was always terrified he was lacking in. But Buck slid in and made things feel so much easier. Like he was the missing piece that should've been there all along.
That was why it felt like a stab to the heart when Buck was gone. It felt almost exactly like it had when Shannon left. Like Eddie had lost his partner. But where there had been some relief with Shannon leaving, there was none when Buck did. There was always a pressure to be a certain way when Shannon was around and that left when she did. Of course Eddie never wanted her to be out of Christopher's life, but it didn't devastate him like losing Buck did. It felt like Eddie had to relearn how to live his life without Buck and he was doing a terrible job.
And when Buck was suddenly there again, it felt too good to be true. Eddie couldn't let himself fall back into the trap of being happy because what if it got ruined again? He only survived Shannon's death because Buck was there. And he was still dealing with Buck going away the first time. If he did it again, Eddie would shatter. Maybe it was unhealthy and codependent, but Eddie had never been good at confronting his feelings and dealing with stressful situations. Buck was right about that. Eddie was the guy to go to in a crisis, but the aftermath was his downfall. If he couldn't ignore it, he had no idea what to do.
But Buck was here now and opening up and getting Eddie to open up as well. It was everything Eddie wished for at night as he fell asleep and it felt too good to be true. Of course, Buck hadn't said anything since Eddie's sudden declaration. What if he didn't feel the same? What if Buck was trying to come up with a way to let him down gently? Eddie couldn't stay in the dark any longer.
"Say something, please," Eddie whispered, peering into Buck's eyes. They were full of something that Eddie didn't even try to decipher, in fear of getting it wrong. But something was better than blankness. Something meant there was some sort of emotion in response to his words. Eddie just hoped it would go in his favor.
"I- wow," Buck breathed out, shaking his head a little. Eddie wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake the words out of him, but he held back. He wouldn't appreciate someone doing that to him. "I don't know what to say."
"It's okay if you don't- I shouldn't have said anything," Eddie said quickly, cursing himself for opening up in the worst moment. Of all the times to let something out. He should've kept that hidden for the rest of his life. If it ended up ruining what they still had, he'd never get past it.
"No, wait," Buck said, reaching over to grab his hand. They were no strangers to physical contact, from helping each other at work to arm nudges and back slaps in their social visits. And Eddie had never paid it much mind. But the point of their hands touching right now felt like there was an electricity coursing through the both of them. He couldn't be the only one who felt it.
"Buck," Eddie murmured, pleading in his mind for the other man to say something. Say the perfect thing that would fix all this madness and put his heart at ease once and for all. Something that would tell Eddie exactly how he felt and where they stood. A confirmation that Eddie wasn't completely inept at reading signs and barking up the wrong tree.
"Yeah."
"Yeah?" Eddie repeated in bewilderment.
"I mean, me too."
"Me too? That's it?" Eddie huffed. "You were the one trying to get me to open up and when I finally do, that's all I get? I put myself out there and I only get a couple words back? Is that supposed to tell me how you really feel? How am I supposed to-"
The rest of Eddie's outburst was cut off by Buck leaning forward and pressing their lips together. Eddie felt like a kid getting his first kiss. His mouth stayed completely still and his eyes were wide in shock. It was like his body and his brain forgot how to function. But his heart was slamming against his ribs so fast that it felt like it was skipping a beat.
"Does that count as a response?" Buck asked, pulling back a little and letting the question out against his lips.
"Yeah," Eddie replied, his voice barely audible above their panting.
"Oh, so now that's a good enough answer? It wasn't when I used it," Buck smirked.
"You're the one who's good with words, not me," Eddie reminded him, flicking his eyes back down to Buck's lips. And now he knew another way that mouth was talented. He wanted to see what else it could do. Buck must've known where his mind was because he tipped Eddie's chin back with his finger so they were making eye contact again.
"While I enjoyed our short intermission, we really do need to finish our talk," Buck said regretfully.
"What? Why?" Eddie asked, definitely not with a slight whine in his voice. Things were so good right at this very moment and he didn't want to risk messing it up. "We did talk and we're fine again, right? Let's just go on from there."
"But that's the problem, Eds. We always leave things unsaid and then it builds up into something it doesn't have to. Don't you want to avoid that this time? Wouldn't it be nice to not have something looming over us like a dark cloud?"
"But we did talk? What's left?"
"This," Buck whispered, ghosting his hands along the bruise on Eddie's cheek. He'd almost forgotten about his injuries during all of these amazing developments, but now he was reminded of the moment that kicked off this series of events.
"It's nothing," Eddie brushed off.
"Eddie, this is not nothing," Buck insisted, rubbing his thumb along the ugly mark.
"But it's over now. I'm not going back," Eddie mumbled. He didn't need to fight anymore if he had Buck again. Buck would be enough to help him make it through the day.
"Not going back where?" Buck pressed.
"Buck."
"Eddie."
"It doesn't matter."
"Not going back where?"
"I've been street fighting!" Eddie blurted out. Admitting it didn't give him the weight lifting feeling he was hoping for. He wished he could take the words back, so Buck would stop staring at him with that sad and confused look in his eyes.
"Oh Eddie, why?" Buck asked, never stopping the rhythmic caress against his cheek. It was like the ministrations were easing the words out of his mouth.
"I just- I had to do something. There was too much inside and I had to find a way to let it out. It sounds stupid."
"No, it doesn't," Buck insisted. "It was a coping mechanism. Not really the healthiest one, but I understand why you would do it."
"It started off as a way to let off steam, but as I went on, it started to feel like I needed it. And if I went too long without it, I felt unsettled," Eddie admitted. "I have to keep myself steady for Christopher and the crew and this helps."
"Eddie, do you really think ending up in the hospital is good for them? Or for you?" Buck asked solemnly.
"That wasn't supposed to happen. It was just a couple of guys after who were mad that I won a fight and-"
"Excuse me? You were attacked?" Buck hissed, narrowing his eyes. "Who are they? What are their names?"
"Buck, it's not-"
"Don't tell me it's not a big deal!" Buck exclaimed, surging up from his seat and pacing a few steps away. Eddie knew Buck could be overprotective, but he wasn't expecting this. "These guys attacked you after you'd already fought and then left you lying there. What if no one found you? You could've been there for hours or days!"
"Buck-"
"And you tried calling me and I didn't answer. You needed my help and I just left you!" Buck choked out, balling his fists in his hair. "God, I'm so sorry."
"Buck, that wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known," Eddie insisted, but Buck didn't seem to be hearing him.
"I'm just as bad as the people who hurt you. Worse even, because I'm supposed to be your best friend," Buck spat, shaking as he panted out anguished breaths. "Maybe you shouldn't trust me."
"Buck, stop it!" Eddie shouted, ignoring his hurt body and forcing himself up and into Buck's space. He grabbed him around the wrists, making Buck stop and look at him. "You are not responsible for the decisions I make. I am."
"But if I'd answered-"
"It still wouldn't have changed what happened. I got myself into that situation and that's always going to be on me. And if you'd known what I was calling about, I know you would've been there in a second. Even if I didn't deserve your help," Eddie said firmly. "But you're here now and I'm here now and that's what matters."
"I don't know if I can forgive myself," Buck sniffled. Eddie reached up and cupped Buck's cheeks, thumbing away the few tears that had fallen.
"Well, even though it was never your fault, I've already forgiven you. For everything. And I hope you can forgive me," Eddie said, inching forward so their chests were pressed together. "We're just two stubborn idiots, aren't we?"
"Maybe," Buck shrugged, carefully placing his hands against Eddie's back.
"But maybe we can be stubborn idiots together?" Eddie suggested, tipping his head to the side.
"I think I'd like to try," Buck replied, dipping his head down to capture Eddie's lips once again. He was ready for it this time and responded in kind. Eddie had never kissed a man before, or many women besides Shannon honestly, but it was nice. It wasn't as frenzied as he imagined a kiss from Buck would be, after hearing about his past conquests. It was soft and sweet and almost made Eddie's knee buckle from the tenderness of it all. Although that could've also been his body reminding him of his current state. But he trusted Buck's strong hands on his back to hold him up. And Eddie knew he trusted Buck to hold him up through everything else as well.
