Eddie loved him. Eddie was in love with him. Buck wasn't sure if this was real life or if he was stuck in a dream, but he never wanted to leave. Going into this conversation not knowing if they would even be friends anymore, to holding Eddie in his arms was nothing short of miraculous. It was everything he could've hoped for.
His heart was still aching from the thought of Eddie being hurt. Buck assumed that Eddie was good at fighting, but any hit to Eddie's body was one too many in his opinion. Eddie should be loved only and any pain was unacceptable. But that was over now. Buck was going to make sure Eddie didn't go back to that.
"Come on, let's go to the bedroom," Buck murmured during a break in their kissing. Eddie tilted his head back and looked up at him in surprise.
"Moving a little fast maybe?" Eddie chuckled nervously. Buck felt like laughing at Eddie's relative innocence, but he held back. That probably wouldn't be received well.
"You're dead on your feet and would probably be more comfortable wearing something else," Buck clarified, smoothing his hands along Eddie's shoulders.
"Oh. A shower would probably be good too."
"Is that an invitation?" Buck teased, grinning at the slight pinkness blooming across Eddie's cheeks. "I'm just joking. You have to take me to dinner first."
"Right," Eddie huffed, pushing at Buck's chest playfully. Eddie gestured for Buck to follow him down to the bedroom, only showing the pain he was in with his slow, shuffling movements. Buck wasn't even sure if Eddie should've been out of the hospital at this point, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. And he was going to be there to take care of him either way.
"Let me," Buck said quickly, dashing ahead of Eddie to get to his dresser. He knew where everything was, so he grabbed a change of clothes that Eddie would be comfortable in. Like the shirt with the grease stain on the bottom that Eddie insisted was the softest thing he owned. And the sweatpants that hung low on his hips that he never wore around Christopher anymore following an unfortunate crutch incident. It was what Eddie always grabbed when it was just the two of them relaxing after a shift in front of the television.
"Thanks," Eddie said bashfully, accepting the offered clothes. "Will you stay?"
"I'm not going anywhere," Buck assured him, noting that Eddie worded it in a way that showed he wanted him there, not just asking if he was planning to stay either way. Maybe they were finally getting back to where they were before.
Eddie went into his bathroom and Buck sat down on his bed to wait. It was interesting seeing Eddie like this. He'd been with Shannon for a while and there were flashes of excitement and love, but Buck hadn't been there to see the early stages. Buck was probably sporting the same goofy smile that Eddie was.
It was sort of sweet that the tough Army guy was this out of his element when it came to relationships. Eddie could be as charming as the best of them, but he never took it further than that. He honestly could've had a person in his bed every night, a la Buck 1.0, but as far as Buck knew, he never did. Besides Shannon, Buck didn't think there really was anyone else. They'd had a few talks about past romances and Eddie alluded to a few casual things in school, but left most of the details out.
Buck, on the other hand, had a bit of a sordid history. In addition to his wild spell during his early firefighting days, he'd gotten around a bit. When you travel the world, having inhibitions was too stifling. Buck let loose in many different ways, with many different people. And confining himself to just women felt boring. Some of his most passionate nights were spent with men. He hadn't indulged since he moved to Los Angeles, but he wasn't opposed to the idea either.
And now there was Eddie. Buck had acknowledged how attractive the man was the moment he laid eyes on him. His good looks were one of the main targets of his ire back then. But now he appreciated what he got to look at every day.
So falling for a man wasn't too outside of the realm of possibility for Buck, but was it for Eddie? Was Eddie just caught up in the moment and confusing friendship for romance? Buck knew Eddie wasn't lying to him, because he wasn't the type. But maybe once Eddie stepped away from the conversation and saw things in a new light, he'd realize he'd made a mistake. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Buck knew they needed to talk about this.
"Hey, do you mind?" Eddie asked quietly, snapping Buck from his thoughts. He was standing in his doorway, holding his shirt in his hands. While he would usually appreciate the sight of a shirtless Eddie, right now it just made his throat close up. There were bruises covering almost every inch of skin that he could see. It was a miracle nothing was broken under it all.
"Eds," Buck murmured, shaking his head sadly.
"Sorry, lifting my arms was kind of… sorry," Eddie mumbled.
"No, of course," Buck said quickly, walking over and snatching the shirt out of Eddie's hands. He wanted to cover him as fast as possible so the evidence of what happened wasn't taunting him. Buck held the shirt open so Eddie could slide his arms in, then lifted the neck over his head. He smoothed it down, being careful not to press on Eddie's bruises.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it. I recall you helping me get dressed after my surgery many times," Buck chuckled. He was lucky that years of practice and leftover trauma from the accident had kept him from showing just how much he didn't mind Eddie's ministrations.
"Not very fun to be on this side of it," Eddie sighed, trying to stifle a yawn.
"Well, I'm here to help and you're not getting rid of me. First item on the agenda is for you to get off your feet," Buck determined, guiding Eddie toward his bed. He pulled down the covers, grinning at Eddie's fond eye roll. "Doctor's orders."
"I'm the one with more medical training between the two of us, if you recall," Eddie pointed out, climbing into the bed.
"And you don't need any of that to know that a person with a concussion and bruising needs rest," Buck shot back, tucking the blankets over Eddie's lap. Eddie caught one of his wrists before he could move away, peering up at him.
"I really am okay. You don't have to worry about me," Eddie said softly. Buck wanted to say that he wasn't worried, but that wouldn't be true. Knowing that Eddie had been going off to what turned out to be dangerous places and getting hurt scared him. And he was scared of what it meant about Eddie that he would resort to such things.
"I can't help it. I worry about the people I care about," Buck shrugged. Seeing Eddie like this was harder than watching him run into a burning building.
"Well, you don't have to worry about this happening again because I'm done. I'm not going back," Eddie insisted.
"Just like that?" Buck asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Yeah."
"Why? Because of what happened afterward?"
"No, because I don't need to do it anymore."
"Why not?" Buck pressed.
"I just don't."
"Why?"
"Because I have you back. That's what was missing, but it's okay now because you're here."
"Oh, Eddie."
"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I'm fine now."
"Eddie, I can't be the reason you don't need to do that anymore."
"You're not, I just misspoke. Blame it on the concussion," Eddie excused. Now it was Buck's turn to grab Eddie's hand. He could see Eddie shutting down again and closing himself off, but Buck couldn't let that happen. Not after all the progress they'd made.
"After the bombing, you were amazing," Buck started, watching as Eddie's faced pinched in confusion. "You were there whenever you weren't at work, even with everything else you were dealing with. You helped get me food and keep my apartment clean. Moved everything I needed to a place I could reach. Christopher even trained me on how to use my crutches."
"Of course we did. You needed us," Eddie replied, as if it was what anyone would do. Eddie didn't even realize how special he was.
"And you listened to me when I talked about my fears of not getting better. And held me through my nightmares of being crushed by the firetruck."
"I know."
"The thing is, I didn't tell you all of it. There were so many things I was feeling, but I just couldn't say it to you," Buck admitted.
"Why not?" Eddie asked, looking a little hurt.
"For a lot of reasons that made sense at the time. Like me being embarrassed or thinking something wasn't worth bringing up. It being so soon after Shannon that I didn't want to add more to your plate. Maybe a little resentment seeing you go off and do the things I wished I could," Buck confessed. Eddie nodded in understanding, but still looked defeated. "I kept so many things shoved down that going with the nuclear option and suing the city didn't seem like such a bad idea."
"But you could've come to me with it. No matter what it was."
"I know. And I think you would've done everything you could to help me. But sometimes that's not what's best. Or healthy."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that you can't be the one to fix me. And I can't be that person for you either." Eddie was staring at him with watery brown eyes and Buck felt the urge to do anything to take back what he said and make him smile again. Maybe his timing with this talk was off, but it would be even harder to start again later. If they got too comfortable, they would be too complacent to try to change anything before it was too late. Buck wanted to avoid these communication issues in the future.
"You don't want to try this with me? I thought we were going to see if this would work," Eddie whispered, pulling his hands back and looking away. Buck gently guided Eddie's face back toward him with a finger on his chin, waiting until he made reluctant eye contact again.
"It's because I want this to work more than anything. That's why I'm saying all this," Buck promised. Eddie didn't look convinced, but he didn't try to pull away anymore. "I think we need to learn how to talk to each other, without jumping to the wrong conclusions or feeling like we can't say how we truly feel. And there are things we both need to deal with that I don't think either of us are equipped for."
"I don't think it's that bad. I've always dealt with things on my own before," Eddie argued halfheartedly. Buck ghosted his fingers along Eddie's broken cheek again, reminding him what happened when he dealt with this his way. It was a giant, glaring sign that said a wrong decision had been made that Eddie couldn't really excuse.
"What happens if you have a problem with me that needs to be discussed? Do you feel like you could come to me about it honestly and completely? Or would you worry that it might push me away and keep it to yourself?" Buck asked.
"I don't know," Eddie admitted reluctantly. Buck could tell his words were finally getting through to him.
"I don't ever want a repeat of these last few weeks. Being separated from you was like being separated from a vital part of myself. But I want to be the best version of me that I can be for you."
"I want the same."
"We have to start with fixing ourselves. We have to want to get better for ourselves. And then everyone around us will reap the benefits."
"Are you giving me a secure your own oxygen mask speech?" Eddie joked, leaning his face into where Buck was still lightly cupping his cheek.
"Maybe. Is it working?"
"Maybe," Eddie sighed, furrowing his brow. He looked so much like Christopher when he did that. "I get what you're saying. It's just, it's-"
"Hard. I know. Believe me, I'm not good at it either. But I think it's worth it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you."
"Me too," Eddie agreed, and Buck felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. The first step was always the hardest. "I know you've talked to a therapist before, but you didn't really go into detail about it. How was it?"
"Well, I slept with one. Not planning on doing that again." Eddie barked out a startled laugh and Buck cringed at the memory. Not his finest moment. "It was okay, but I didn't really take it seriously. I only went to get Bobby off my back. But I think I'm ready to give it a real try this time. I have something worth getting better for."
"You do?" Eddie asked, hooking his finger around the collar of Buck's shirt and pulling him closer. Buck rested his forehead against Eddie's, relishing in the fact that he was able to be this close to him. That the chasm that had been separating them for so long and felt insurmountable was gone. They were both in this together and Buck knew deep down that it was going to work out. This was how it was always meant to be and they were going to fight tooth and nail to keep it.
"Yeah, I do."
