"Hey, Sammy."
Dean had felt rather than seen him arrive. Nothing had felt fully right until that moment. It all seemed… nice? But it wasn't Heaven. It was like he was looking at everything through a window, like he was outside looking in. But when Sam arrived, Dean felt like he had arrived, too. Like they'd stepped through the doorway of Heaven together. And then the joy he had felt to finally wrap his arms around his brother again… this was Heaven. This was perfect.
Until it wasn't.
They had stood there on the bridge, looking out over a beautiful river, a peaceful forest with light that was turning the pale amber color of late afternoon. Dean felt utter contentment. After a while, he gave Sam a pat on the shoulder and asked, "Want to go for a drive?"
Sam grinned and nodded and they headed for the car.
Dean wasn't sure exactly when it had started, but he did remember that slight uneasiness he'd felt as he walked around to the driver's side. Then, for a second, just a split second, that uneasiness turned into a strange, burning fear. He'd tried to shake it off and focus on where he was.
This, Dean reminded himself as they drove. This right here is what it's all about. Me, Sam and the open road. We finally got our happy ending.
And that thought ripped the ground right out from under him.
He felt like he was in a free fall. He was not conditioned to believe in happy endings, so there was no reason for him to believe this would not all somehow end in disaster. His hands clutched at the steering wheel, feeling the vibrations of the road running beneath the car. He willed himself to focus on anything but that growing feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Was he having a panic attack? In Heaven? Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.
There was a mild ache in his head. He was starting to feel tired and cold. He watched their surroundings begin to change. The blue sky became overcast and then thick dark clouds gathered on the horizon.
That doesn't mean anything, he told himself. It's just weather. This is all fine. This is real. Cas is here, Jack's got this under control. This is heaven. This is our heaven.
He took some deep breaths and eventually managed to curtail the rising panic to more of a nervousness.
And that was when Sam started asking the questions:
Is this real?
How did we manage to get here?
Will we be here forever?
Will you be here forever?
Will we get to stay together? How do you know?
How do you know?
And the truth was, he didn't know. He wasn't sure of anything except that he had never believed in happy endings.
No- that wasn't entirely true. There was something he was sure of. He was sure of how much he loved the kid (who was, admittedly, now a grown man) in the passenger seat. And he was sure that protecting him would always be the core of his being. And right now, that kid was obviously in distress, which in and of itself was more than enough to make Dean worry, but this distress was happening in what was supposed to be paradise.
Something was wrong.
Dean pulled the car to a stop at the side of the road and turned to face his brother, who was now seemingly on the verge of his own panic.
"Sammy…" he started, trying to decide how to approach this, because somehow, lying wasn't coming naturally to him anymore. He couldn't look at Sam and say everything was fine because he wasn't sure.
Sam just looked at him, his expression haunted. And then, before Dean could formulate his response, Sam said something that took Dean's breath away. "I don't… I don't belong here."
Dean froze. It took a moment for him to find his voice. "What do you mean, you don't belong here?"
There were tears forming in Sam's eyes and if there was one thing Dean had learned from Eric Clapton, it was that there were no tears in Heaven. His own panic returned. He took Sam's face in his hands. "Sammy, dude, I just got you back. I'm not losing you again, ever, you hear me?"
Sam's brow furrowed and his eyes got that pleading look that always tore at Dean's heart. "Dean..."
"No. Sam, look, I know, this is a lot to take in, but-"
"I don't feel good… Dean, this can't be-"
"Hey-hey-hey- all right," Dean took him by the shoulders and lowered his voice. "Tell me what it feels like. What's going on with you? Huh?"
"I feel… wrong. M-my head hurts. I'm tired and...cold? And I just feel like… like something's wrong. I'm kind of...I know this sounds crazy, but...scared."
Dean didn't like this. He didn't like this at all. He didn't like what was going on, and he didn't like to hear Sam so readily admit what was going on. He was used to a Sam who would just reply, 'I'm fine' regardless of how he really was. And to add an additional layer of concern, Dean was feeling exactly the same way. The ache in his own head was getting worse and he was exhausted. Horrible memories from his past were starting to surface, none of them related, all just completely random. He really just wanted to pull the car over and lie down. But he knew he would be too afraid to close his eyes. "Scared of what?" he finally asked.
"That I'm not… going to get to stay with you? And… and I missed you. I missed you so much…" he was looking desperately at Dean with those eyes. His whole body was trembling. But then his expression turned dark. "You feel it too, don't you?" he asked.
"Sam…"
"You do. I can tell.
Dean closed his eyes for a second, trying to force back the ache in his head that was spreading to his neck and shoulders. "I feel a little off. But it's fine. Sammy, c'mon. We're going to be together forever, okay? I promise," Dean tried to think of something to calm Sam's fears. "Hey," he forced a smile. "Do you know Bobby's here, too? Sam, Bobby! The real one! And Mom and Dad are here, and- hey," he tilted Sam's chin up. "This isn't heaven for me if you ain't here, okay?"
Sam didn't look convinced. "We're not supposed to feel like this here. This isn't right." He was staring straight ahead at the gathering clouds. "I don't belong here."
"Sam, don't say that," Dean growled, his voice rising again. "How can you even...Look- you know what? You know who else is here? Somewhere? Cas! Cas is here and he'll fix this. I'm going to call his feathery ass over here and he will fix whatever the hell is going on here." Dean let go of Sam and jumped out of the car. Cas would know what to do. He hoped.
Sam gasped and reached for him, but wasn't quick enough. The sudden absence of his brother sent him into a tail spin. He fumbled with the passenger door and fell out onto the ground below. He dragged himself part way up the car, calling for Dean in desperate gulps of air.
Dean, who'd been yelling at the sky for Castiel, stopped when he heard Sam gasp his name. He ran around to the other side of the car.
Sam collapsed into his arms, gripping Dean's shirt in his fists. "Dean please don't leave… please! I can't. I can't, not again, I can't-"
"Sammy? Sammy stop, I'm not going to leave you. I'm here. I'm right here, okay?" Dean's mind flashed back to the night he dragged Sam out of the church, stumbling and gasping for air as Dean was screaming for Cas. That time, Cas never came. And then so many terrible things had happened...
But now, Castiel appeared in a blinding eruption of light, causing Dean to shield his eyes and turn away. Sam pressed his face into the crook of Dean's neck.
"You're still not quite ready for my true form, are you?" Castiel asked stepping out of the light in the vessel the Winchesters were accustomed to. "It's so good to see you both."
"Cas?" Dean felt a momentary surge of joy at seeing the angel again, but his worry for Sam far outweighed his happiness at seeing an old friend. Dean cut right to the chase. "Cas, what is wrong with him?" he demanded, not even trying to keep the sheer terror from his voice.
If Cas was disappointed in Dean's reaction, he didn't show it. He lifted a hand to still Dean and got down beside them. "Hello, Sam," he said fondly, putting a hand on Sam's shoulder.
Sam looked at him in disbelief and then back at Dean. He seemed to have pulled himself together, and was now seeming more bewildered than afraid.
"Come," Cas said, taking Sam's arm and helping him stand. "Let's get you back into the car."
Dean cast him an almost murderous glare. He was too tired for any level of civility. "Fix him!" he demanded, pointing his finger at his brother.
Cas glanced over his shoulder as he maneuvered Sam into the passenger seat. "Dean, would you care to drive or shall I?"
Dean stood there a moment as Cas climbed into the back seat, debating whether to fight him on this or just go with it. Finally, at a loss for what else to do, he got back behind the wheel. He didn't even know where they were going, he just slammed his foot down on the gas and peeled out.
He fumed for a good few minutes before demanding to know what was going on. Sam was curled up against the passenger door. "What the hell, Cas? Is this Heaven? Are we in Heaven?"
"Yes."
"And everything is perfect?"
"Yes."
He almost laughed, but he was too angry. "So, my brother is freaking out, I feel like total crap and this is all a-OK for you?"
Sam lifted his head a bit then, casting Dean a look of concern.
Dean ignored him and continued. "This is your idea of a perfect paradise?"
Cas said nothing. He gazed out the window with just the hint of a smile on his face.
Dean clenched his jaw and kept driving. He glanced at Sam who was now turned towards him, his hand clutching tightly to the corner of Dean's jacket. Dean softened his voice and patted Sam's knee. "I'm right here, buddy."
"Turn here," Cas called from the back seat, pointing out the window. Dean turned down a long, tree-lined driveway that lead to a beautiful house made of wood and stone with overhanging eaves and a huge chimney. He stopped the car in front of it. Tall pine trees wrapped securely around the sides of the property and an open expanse of soft green grass lead up to a stone walkway and a wide set of stairs on the house's front porch. It looked so inviting, almost as though it was calling them to get out of the car and come inside.
But Dean had one thing on his mind, and it wasn't Better Homes and Gardens. He turned to the back seat, expecting an explanation.
Castiel was already getting out of the car. "Let's get Sam inside and we'll talk."
Dean disentangled Sam's hand from his jacket. "Hey," he said softly, giving that hand a squeeze. "I'm going around to your side, okay?"
Sam nodded as Dean got out hurried around to the other side of the car where Cas was already opening the door.
"I've got him," Dean said stepping in and positioning himself so that Sam could lean on him if needed. Dean shot a careless glance at their surroundings, but kept his focus mostly on Sam as he asked, "So where are we? Who lives here?" He didn't want to visit anyone. He wanted to get his brother somewhere safe and quiet so that they could both take some time to process whatever was happening to them.
"You do." Cas sounded almost proud as he lead them up the stairs to the spacious front porch and through the large wooden front door.
Dean stopped for just a second inside the foyer and stared at the back of Cas's head. "Come again?"
But Cas was moving through an open sitting area towards a hallway, clearly expecting the brothers to follow him, and so they did. Sam was a little more steady on his feet now, taking in their surroundings and exchanging glances with Dean. He had composed his features to the point where he looked only somewhat nervous and mostly annoyed.
Castiel opened a door at the end of the hall and finally turned to face them. "This is your home. It was created for you. To help you feel comfortable."
Sam let out a deep sigh as he looked up at the thick, exposed beams over their heads. "This is heaven," he pointed out. "Why are we not comfortable already?"
Dean's stomach churned. "Gotta say, Cas, I'm with Sammy on this one. I'm not exactly feelin' the paradise vibe right now."
Cas tilted his head at them. "You don't like the house?"
"Something is wrong with Sam!" Dean growled in exasperation.
Sam turned and looked at him with mild irritation. "And you," he added.
Dean rolled his eyes. "Fine, something is wrong with us. But mostly with Sam."
Sam shot another pissy look at Dean which Dean ignored.
"Nothing is wrong with Sam. Or with you," Castiel replied, turning back towards the open door.
Dean had had just about enough of the angel's seemingly dismissive attitude. But part of him took a small (a VERY small) comfort in the fact that Castiel didn't seem overly concerned with whatever it was that was going on with the brothers.
"Come with me," Castiel called over his shoulder as he led them into a large, but cozy looking bedroom. The shades were drawn, the only light came from a honey colored glass floor lamp that flanked an oversized reading chair in front of a wall of books. The room was blanketed in a comforting, quiet darkness. "Lie down, Sam."
Sam just looked at him, his face was a mixture of annoyance, exhaustion and just a hint of fear, but Dean could tell the invitation to get off his feet was not entirely unwelcome.
"Don't be afraid," Cas said gently, gesturing towards the bed.
Sam reluctantly did as he was told, Dean hovering close by. He didn't pull back the covers, he just laid down on top of them and propped his neck and shoulders up against the pillows where he could keep a good view of his surroundings.
"So? What's going on, Cas?" Dean asked, not bothering to try to mask his worry.
Castiel sat on the edge of the bed. He gestured to a nearby chair, indicating that Dean should sit. "Well," he began "I assume that right now both of you are feeling very tired, uneasy and you've got a pretty bad headache… am I correct?"
He was referring to both of them, but Dean was relieved to see that his focus was on Sam. While somewhat intended to simply irritate Sam, Dean had been entirely serious when he said that the problem seemed to be affecting his brother more deeply.
Sam glanced at Dean, then back at Cas and he nodded, his eyelids drooping a bit.
"It's all right," Cas soothed. He pushed Sam's hair back and laid a hand on his forehead. "The headache I can help with,"
There was a soft glow from beneath Cas's hand and Dean could see the look of relief cross his brother's face.
"There," he soothed. "That should feel a little better at least for a while. You can call me if it gets worse, all right?"
"Mmmm…" Sam agreed, his eyes closing.
"Sleep, Sam… this will pass." Cas stood and pulled a blanket from the foot of the bed to cover Sam with.
"What will pass?" Dean demanded in an angry whisper as the angel tucked the blanket around Sam's shoulders.
Castiel stood then and motioned for Dean to come to the doorway. They stood in the hallway to continue their conversation.
"His soul is healing, Dean," Cas said, keeping his voice quiet. "Both of your souls are healing."
Dean didn't really understand so he waited for Cas to elaborate.
"Souls who have spent time in Hell, especially extended periods of time in Hell, are scarred. Damaged in a way that can never fully be healed on Earth. And even in Heaven, the healing process is difficult. Your father struggled with it. Bobby… well, Bobby just seemed much like he did on Earth- agitated, easily annoyed, but he seemed to cope with it better than most. But you and Sam…"
"Had the upgraded Road to Hell package," Dean offered, finally understanding what Cas was getting at.
"In a manner of speaking, yes. This will be hard on both of you. Hardest of all on Sam, considering the level of damage he experienced. On top of the damage from Hell, there is also the issue of soul mates. Soul mate separation causes its own kind of damage. The loss of connection from you for so long is another trauma that will be difficult to heal from because of the Hell scars."
"You mean when I…" Dean trailed off unable to finish his sentence. Guilt welled up in his throat. He'd wanted Sam to go and live a normal life, but he wished he hadn't had to leave him.
Cas nodded. "Your death was excruciating for him. Usually when soul mates are reunited in heaven, the separation damage heals instantly. But in this case it will take some time."
"I don't get it Cas- this is Heaven. Where is Jack? Can't he just fix this? Can't you just, I don't know, snap your fingers, sprinkle on some fairy dust and make it all okay?"
Cas tilted his head and Dean hoped he wouldn't make some stupid remark about fairies not having dust or whatever.
"I'm afraid not. But what I can tell you," Cas said, noting Dean's forlorn expression. "is that it will be all right. While this will be difficult, you've been through far worse than this. As I said, Sam will have a harder time. A much harder time. You're going to need to be very patient with him. Don't push him through this, just let him go at his own pace. Don't push yourself, either. It's not going to be easy, but it is going to be all right. The best thing you can do is just rest here. Your souls are in desperate need of it."
Dean sank onto a bench in the hallway just outside the bedroom door. He dropped his head into his hands and rubbed at his temples.
Cas squinted at him. "How are you feeling, Dean?"
Dean let out a small, humorless laugh. "Feeling? Uh, not great, Cas. Kind of about the way you described."
Cas reached out a hand towards him and Dean backed up against the wall. "No, Cas- I'm all right"
Cas squatted down so he was looking up at him. "Dean, it's just a headache. Let me help," he insisted, reaching out again. This time, Dean didn't stop him.
Dean let his breath out in relief when the pain suddenly subsided. But while the pain was gone, the fear remained and it was getting stronger, like he was on the verge of panic again.
At that moment, there was a small whimper from inside the bedroom. Dean jumped up and stopped short in the doorway. There was a young boy standing shakily beside the bed, rubbing his eyes. "Dean?" he said with a tremble in his voice.
Dean stared, mouth agape. It was Sam. Sam at about 9 years old. And if that alone wasn't enough to ignite the flame of protective big brother, the way Sam looked certainly was. He was shivering, pulling at the blanket on the bed behind him that he had wrapped partly over one shoulder. His eyes were red, like he'd either been sleeping, crying or he was sick. Or some combination of all three.
Dean was trying to trust Cas that even though what they were going through would be tough, it would be temporary, but this just derailed everything.
"Sammy?" Dean whispered, shock stealing his voice. He closed the distance between them in three steps, lifting him off the ground and into his arms the second the boy reached out to him.
Castiel took a few steps into the room.
Dean turned to face him while simultaneously backing away. "Cas, what the actual HELL?" He had one arm wrapped around Sam's back and one hand pressed to the back of his head. Sam was clinging to him like a spider monkey, sniffling slightly, his head tucked into Dean's neck. "It's okay, kiddo, it's okay…I've got you... we'll figure this out…" Dean soothed, still glaring at Cas.
Sam shuddered and tightened his grip around Dean's neck.
"I'm here, I've got you," Dean assured him.
"Dean," Cas stepped forward and Dean took a step away from him, his eyes narrowing even further.
"That's enough! Cas, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but this isn't-"
"Isn't what you expected?"
Dean let out a humorless laugh. "No, actually, turmoil and chaos is exactly what I expected, so I don't know why I'm surprised."
TBC
