Prolog 1
Jamie remembered being 4 years old and his mother kicking him and his brother out of the house because his baby sister had an ear infection and was yelling her head off. Normally that meant going into the yard to play cowboys and indians with Lee or working on their fort but today, Daddy and Grandpa came and collected them to go watch the ranch hands work. They both cheered in excitement because they weren't allowed to go to the chutes and pens without one of the adults with them.
Lee whooped and started to run ahead before their Dad called him back, taking one of his hands. Their Grandpa grabbed the other as they walked, occasionally swinging the little boy into the air, making him giggle. It looked fun and Jamie hurried to take his Dad's other hand but his dad scowled at him and shook out of it. His dad looked angry and he wasn't sure what he had done wrong but he must have done something, so he tucked his hands in his pockets and put his head down.
When they got to the pens, where the ranch hands were watching some reining horses practice their trade, Dad picked up Lee so he could sit on the top of the fence. He left Jamie on the ground to kneel and look between the cowboys' legs. There was cheering but all he could see were hooves and a cloud of dirt. He thought about asking his Dad to pick him up too but his Dad may still be mad at him and he didn't want to make it any worse so he stayed where he was, until he felt someone scoop him up onto the fence to sit beside his brother. "You won't get a very good view from down there, little one," he said as Jamie immediately recognized Tommy Longtooth, the head horse trainer.
Jamie smiled and thanked him. Tommy was always nice to him and liked to explain things like the different gaits of horse and when to use which. And why not to feed them hay at certain times and stuff. Both he and Lee loved getting to follow the man around and learn. He felt Tommy leave from behind him, and another person come up to steady him the same way his dad was doing for Lee. He was glad because the fence kept moving and he didn't want to fall. He didn't know the person's name, but he had seen them before. He had dark hair and a big mustache like off the cover of one of Grampa's old Western books.
Two of the ranch hands started to playfully shove each other and jostled the fence, making Jamie nearly fall. "I got you kiddo, don't worry," the man said, his voice sounding gravelly but friendly.
"Thank you," he said, because he wanted to be a good boy and Mama always said good boys said please and thank you."
"You're welcome, kid," he said.
"Jamie, my name is Jamie Dutton," he cleared up because kid could be confusing because Lee, him, and Beth were all kids.
"Ok, then Jamie, I'm Lloyd, nice to meet you," he said and Jamie could hear a smile in his voice and leaned back a little into his warmth. "Which horse do you like the best?" he asked after a moment and Jamie wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to pick the right one but didn't know how. He thought about it for a minute, concentrating on watching to see if he could tell the best. "It ain't a trick question," he chuckled. "I like that one," he pointed at a very red chestnut that was side passing. He drops his head nice and bet he would get on level with a cow."
Jamie thought about his answer then decided. "I like that one," he pointed at a slim, grey horse that was bigger than the rest. He carried his head in a proud arch and raised his legs high as he seemed to walk in place. His rider was a woman that looked like she barely even had a saddle on, it was so small. When he moved, he seemed to float over the ground rather than walk on it.
"You like the look of English horses, huh?" Lloyd chuckled at him and Jamie immediately worried he had made the wrong choice or said something wrong.
"Sorry," he offered, guessing he should have kept his mouth shut.
"Nothing to be sorry about, you like what you like. He is a pretty thing, in a delicate way. Wouldn't be no good for ranch work though." He gave Jamie a gentle squeeze of reassurance that it was ok that he was wrong.
"Why not?" he asked, his natural curiosity overcoming his concern for wearing out his welcome with his new friend. Normally he got yelled at for asking too many questions so he had to be careful about it but the "why" had popped out before he could stop it.
"Look at his build, he ain't built like the others. First off he is too big to be agile enough to work cattle. He's also not built to be able to drop back on his haunches and pivot. No, that guy's built to jump over fences and prance around rings."
"Why have a horse that can't work, why would someone breed it?" Jamie asked, still thinking the horse was beautiful.
"Well those type of horses are bred from the ones that used to be war horses in France and Germany and shit. They carried knights and jumped over castle walls and stuff. We didn't need that in America, so we bred horses to do what we needed," he explained. It made sense, even if Jamie thought it was cool to have a horse that could carry a knight around. Knights were just like cowboys only they fought dragons and trolls instead of Indians.
When the show was over, Daddy let them have lunch with the ranch hands but they weren't allowed to bother anybody so they took their hotdogs and beans and sat in the shade of the barn and talked about what they had seen. Lee, being two years older, knew more about horses so Jamie listened, trying to learn, even if some of it didn't sound right. He didn't care though, his brother was super excited, so much so that he almost choked trying to swallow, chew, and demonstrate a reining move all at once. Jamie smiled and said he agreed with the best horses. But secretly he still loved the big grey one. When Lee said one day, he would own his own reining horse, Jamie agreed but secretly he wanted a horse fit for a knight.
John grabbed his hat and followed his father out of the door, making sure to stop and kiss his exhausted wife before beating a hasty retreat. Beth had been up wailing for two days because she had an ear infection and was intent on making the entire world suffer because she was. Once the door was closed he took a deep breath and tried to ignore that his ears were practically ringing, how could one little girl make so much noise? Lee hadn't been like that, neither had Jamie, though to be fair, he hadn't done much of the baby care with Jamie.
He headed towards where his son and Jamie were playing, off to the side of the yard. John had no clue what they were actually playing because Lee mostly just liked to run around yelling and breaking things, while Jamie liked to make up elaborate stories and plans for their play. He wished he had had more experience with kids before he had had any, so he would know which one was more normal, but you live and learn.
When the two boys saw them, they ran over, all smiles and chatter. Lee was always so exuberant, his face always split in a smile and his eyes always shining. He was bold and confident, already assertive about what he wanted and what he liked. Jamie was the total opposite, quiet, almost shy, even with them, maybe especially with them. He hated to admit, he understood why. His father thought Jamie was a waste of space and had no time or love for the boy and for good or ill he was a smart kid and he noticed it. In fact he was pretty sure Jamie had noticed that everyone treated him a little differently than Lee and Beth and it was making the kid even more introverted. Sometimes the only thing that got him to talk were endless questions that a fucking five year old shouldn't be asking.
He and Evie fought about it, a lot, the way he treated Jamie. He tried to argue that he agreed to take him in. He fed and clothed him, let him live there, have a name, what more did he need to do. He should be grateful he had gotten that much. "Love him" was always her answer but it was the one thing he couldn't seem to do, not like he could his own kids. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with Jamie per se, of the three kids he was probably the easiest to deal with, even if he was more timid than a Dutton should be. But everytime he looked at him, even the first time Evie put the little boy in his arms, all he saw was weakness. The weakness of a drug addicted mother that couldn't control herself and the weakness of a murdering coward of a father. She told him not to think like that but he couldn't help it. When you bred horses, cattle, dogs, anything, you looked for the best stock with the best genetics because temperament bred through. So why not in humans and if it did, than Jamie was destined to be weak, cowardly, lazy, and useless.
"If you are going to keep that one, keep him on a short leash or he'll bite you," his father had said after they had brought Jamie home. The man wouldn't hold him or even acknowledge him. He still hadn't, not really. He wasn't cruel to him, just cold, which was better, he supposed.
The first time he had really bothered to look at Jamie, he hadn't been sure what he would see. He knew he was a baby but he was the offspring of morally bankrupt folk that deserved to be in ditches, not breathing air in his family's valley. But the child looked like any other, maybe a little thinner than he remembered Lee being at that age, certainly dirtier. But he had a shock of thick dark hair and two of the biggest, bluest eyes he had ever seen. They looked like the blue of a sunset, right before the sky meets the setting sun. He could admit it, they were beautiful eyes. And right now those eyes looked hurt before they turned downward as he shook out of the kid's grasp. He knew he shouldn't do it, but he couldn't stop himself. He may call him son, but he wasn't and never really would be, not in his heart.
