The summer of Jamie's seventh year was an exciting time. Second grade was finally over and third grade had to be more fun than second. He had gotten straight As and his mommy had hung his report card on the fridge for everyone to see and it made him feel really proud even if he also felt bad that Lee couldn't hang his because he had gotten 3 Cs and 4 Ds. He and Lee could now also spend more time with their respective horses. Pistol was still wild but Spider could now be caught and haltered and could even have a saddle blanket on him and not get upset.
Daddy and Grampa also brought in a new crop of ranch hands. Lee liked to meet them and talk to them and get to know them, even when Daddy said to leave them alone so they could work. Jamie was content to just watch them work. His Daddy always told him he needed not to be so shy. He tried, he really did, but sometimes strangers were scary. There was one of them, a new person who was shorter and a little rounder with a long white beard. He looked kind of like a picture of a cowboy Santa Clause. Jamie didn't believe in Santa anymore but he still thought it was kind of neat.
It turned out his name was Miller and he was really nice. He helped Lee and Jamie with their horses sometimes. Not like Tommy helped, that was training but other stuff, like lifting heavy bags of feed or hay over things or even hooking up cleaned water buckets on places that were really too high for Jamie to reach. But what was strange and kind of exciting about Miller was that he seemed to like Jamie. Everyone always liked Lee better, he was friendly and funny and Daddy's favorite because he was first born and would inherit everything. No one ever really paid much attention to Jamie because he was second born and he was shy and he wasn't funny. He couldn't tell jokes to save his life. But Miller seemed to always ask for Jamies help or be willing to help Jamie.
Sometimes Miller would pat him on the head like Daddy did to Lee and Jamie like it. Sometimes he would pat him on the bottom and he didn't but it was ok. One time when he had been helping Jamie put the feed bin back up, he had squished him and Jamie could feel something hard against his back, he had a roll of coins in his pocket. He rubbed it against Jamie and groaned in a weird way. Jamie ran home and didn't tell anyone about it. He wasn't sure why but he was embarrassed about it.
He didn't want to go to the barn the next day but his Grampa made him go and take care of Spider. He made sure to stick close to Lee because Lee was tough and no one messed with him. Miller smiled and scooped him up onto his shoulders to watch roping practice. Maybe he was being stupid. Daddy always told him he worried too much.
Two weeks later, and Miller hadn't done anything to make Jamie upset, in fact, he had let Jamie ride with him the same way Daddy let Lee when he was younger. So he didn't think anything of it when Miller asked for his help in the closet beside the tack room. Once he was in there, Miller closed and locked the door. Once it was locked, he pulled Jamie over, rubbing against him again and trying to take his pants off. Jamie tried to scream for help but Miller told him not to because then everyone would think it was his fault . Jamie didn't like to think about what else happened that night.
He remembered it hurt and it was embarrassing and the look in Lloyd's eyes when he had opened the door because Jamie hadn't been able to not scream. He waited in the bunkhouse till his daddy and his Grampa got there. One of the hands, an older man named Zack tried to get him to play cards but he didn't want to. He just wanted his Daddy. But what if Miller was right Daddy would think that this was his fault. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he did something wrong or didn't do something he was supposed to and that was why Miller did it. Maybe he was being punished for something. He felt tears in his eyes and buried his face in his knees so Zack wouldn't see him cry. The man didn't say anything else.
When his Daddy got there, Zack left and he started sobbing most immediately and apologizing. He was sorry, he was so sorry for what he had done wrong. He wasn't sure what it was but he was sorry. His Daddy shook him and told him to tell exactly what had happened and only the truth. He did and his Daddy punched one of the bed frames. He had jumped, afraid he had said something wrong. His Daddy had looked at him and sighed, picking him up and taking him into the showers to clean up before going back to the house. Everything felt weird and squishy under his pants even if it hurt too.
There were no tubs so his Daddy helped him clean up in a shower and then picked him up. Hid Daddy picked him up then and took him back to the house. He couldn't remember the last time his Daddy had carried him anywhere but he was glad. He hurt and he was tired and being in his Daddy's arms made him feel safe. As they were walking away he saw Lloyd pull out a gun and shoot Miller in the head, the back of his skull exploding outward in chunky mist into the round pen. Jamie screamed, burying his face in John's shoulder.
Jamie was shaking by the time they got back to the house and up to bed. Miller was dead and it was his fault. Was he going to go to jail? Tears still flowed down his face as his Daddy tucked him into bed. He wiped them away with his rough thumb.
"Don't cry, kiddo, tomorrow this will all be like a dream, like it never happened." he said. "But I need you to be a big man about this and not tell you mother or anyone, even Lee, OK? This needs to be our secret." Jamie nodded because he couldn't seem to find his voice. "Remember it's just like a dream," he said, stroking Jamie's hair till he fell asleep.
He kept his promise, and didn't tell anyone. Even if he had nightmares and felt sick even going near the room beside the tack room. John never mentioned it again and Jamie tried to forget. Tried to pretend it never happened but he remembered. He remembered the feel of the door under his cheek, the smell of the saddle soap and rope wax, and the feeling of Miller inside of him. He wished he didn't but he did.
He was afraid too, all the time, even when he didn't need to be. He was afraid it would happen again or that someone would find out and he would get in trouble. What if Miller came back and was mad at him? Or what if his Mommy found out and she didn't love him anymore? HIs Grandpa knew what happened, he was there, what if he told her. Jamie tried to be extra good so that no one that knew would say anything but he was supposed to be handing his Grandpa tools and he confused between a wrench and a socket wrench and he had handed him the wrong one. His Grandpa had grumbled at him and called him an idiot. Jamie had gotten scared and he felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest and he couldn't breath. He tried to say he was sorry but he couldn't get enough air to say it. He had run away, and hid in his closet because he was sure everyone would know and then he would get in trouble for doing such a bad thing because why else would he need to keep it a secret?
His daddy was different too. At first he was nice and even bought them the dog they had all been asking for. Jamie had wanted a golden retriever like Shadow from the Incredible Journey but Jake was still great even though he was a German Shepherd. But then he seemed to not want to do anything with Jamie anymore, even when Lee was around. It was like everytime he looked at Jamie he was disappointed in him. He tried to be better, to do better but he couldn't seem to do anything right. He wet his bed sometimes from nightmares and he knew it made his parents mad. He hated being a disappointment so he started staying away from his Daddy and Daddy seemed happier about it. He just wanted his Daddy to hold him like he had that night and make the nightmares stop but his father hadn't touched him since two days after it had happened. Jamie had been startled when his Daddy had touched him and he had darted away. He hadn't meant to, he wished he had just stood still because now Daddy didn't want anything to do with him. Sometimes he only saw him at supper and once he went two whole weeks and didn't say anything to Jamie. Jamie had tried to talk to him but whenever he tried to talk, the words would get stuck in his throat because he was too scared he may say something wrong.
Lee seemed to notice something was wrong but he couldn't tell Lee, which was hard because they didn't have secrets from each other. But Lee could tell he was different, wrong and he said he wasn't any fun anymore and spent more time with their Daddy and Gramdpa. They were even showing him how to rope since he was big enough to ride some of the old horses now and strong enough to throw the rope. Jamie wished he could do it too but he was too afraid, afraid his father would be embarrassed of him, afraid his grandfather would tell, afraid the ranch hands would laugh. He was exhausted from being afraid all the time.
Nearly a year later, he was alone with his Daddy driving to the science fair in Bozeman because Mom had come down with the flu and Grampa didn't want to take him, and Jamie mentioned it. John looked at him and told him that never happened. Jamie remembered it, remembered all of it but John said it wasn't real. Maybe he didn't remember it. Maybe he had made it up or it was a nightmare. Maybe the nightmares were from something else and he just didn't remember them right. Maybe it never had happened and, and, and. He shut his mouth until they got to the fair and never talked about it again.
When John and Evie had had Lee, the world became a much scarier place than it had ever been. Innocuous things like horse flies and hotdogs became deadly objects that could hurt his son. The desire to keep the Ranch safe also went from being a want to to an imperative. He loved his boy from the moment he saw him on the ultrasound and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him, for all his children.
When they had brought Jamie home, things were different. John didn't worry as much because John didn't love him as much. Actually at that point he didn't love him at all, frankly he resented him because he took time away from his own son. As time went on some fondness grew. Jamie was a quiet, compliant, and pretty affectionate kid. He loved to be read to and hear stories and he especially liked to cuddle while doing so. He also loved puzzles and games that required figuring things out, which was pretty different from Lee. Sometimes John wasn't quite sure how to handle his relentless curiosity.
He did worry about him though but more like you worried about your kid's friend vs your own kid. It wasn't the gut wrenching fear he felt when thinking about Lee being injured. Of course as they grew up, he never had to worry about Jamie as much as Lee because Jamie seemed to have a vague sense of self preservation that Lee totally lacked. John's father just laughed and laughed, saying it was payback for all the times John tried to give him a heart attack.
So basically he didn't ever really worry that much about Jamie. That was why when Lloyd knocked on the door, hat in his hand asking to talk to John in private, it never occurred to him it had anything to do with Jamie. Jamie was the good kid that didn't get into trouble and didn't do stupid shit just to see if he could do it.
When Lloyd had awkwardly explained that he had found Miller in the side tack room with Jamie and his son's pants around his ankles, crying, John was stunned. And while he saw red, there was a huge part of him that thanked God it was Jamie and not Lee. Later, once things had died down, he hated himself for thinking that because Jamie didn't deserve it, no kid deserved it but he had thought it.
He called for his Dad to join them and Lloyd gave them more details as they walked towards the barn. Lloyd said he had seen Miller doing some stuff that worried him but that the foreman had told him to keep his mouth shut about it. John listened and felt his stomach drop thinking that this guy had been inappropriate with his little boy and Jamie hadn't said anything.
He must have said it out loud because Lloyd looked at him, his brown eyes looking wise beyond his years. "Don't be too hard on yourself, sir. Guys like Miller, they know how to pick kids that won't talk about it. Kids that people won't notice if something is off." John nodded, not liking the implication that even the ranch hands knew he felt differently about Jamie.
As they approached, he saw that most of the hands had Miller on the ground, kicking the shit out of him. They stopped as John and his Dad arrived. They pulled him up, needed to hold his arms to keep him in the closest thing to a standing position he could maintain.
"Sir, Mr Dutton," he yelled and John stood in front of him. "It isn't what it seemed like, sir. He, he came on to me. He wanted," he said and Lloyd punched him square in the mouth, knocking out at least two teeth. Of all the people John had met in his life, Lloyd would probably be tops on his list of never getting in a fight with.
"Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit!" Lloyd snarled then turned to John, waving him towards the bunkhouse. HIs dad stayed with the hands, perhaps to give him some privacy with Jamie, or because he wanted to watch Miller suffer. John refused to believe it was because he didn't want to help comfort his adopted grandson.
As they walked away John heard his father demand, "Lee, did you ever touch Lee?" The man insisted he hadn't, just Jamie. John felt himself relax at that knowledge. He had managed to protect at least one of his boys.
John gave one look back towards the man then followed Lloyd to the building. "Is he alright?" John asked then realized he probably needed to be more specific. "I mean, physically, do I need to get him to a doctor?" John was out of his element. He thought briefly about getting Evie then decided she didn't need to know. This would tear her apart, if she knew.
"I don't know for sure, sir, but I don't think he is hurt bad. A few scrapes and bruises but I didn't see a lot of blood or anything." Lloyd looked as uncomfortable as he felt having this discussion. He nodded and let the man escape as he took a deep breath and opened the door. Zack was sitting at the table, playing solitaire, and Jamie was on one of the bunks, curled into himself. The ranch hand nodded to him and beat a hasty retreat, leaving him alone with his boy. John was terrified. He was so far out of his depth with this he had no idea what to do. He had no clue how to make this better or how to even begin to help. He also felt guilty as fuck that he had let this happen. Jamie may be adopted and John didn't necessarily love him the same way he loved his other kids but that didn't mean he didn't care about him, didn't feel the need to protect him from things like this. It just never occurred to him in a million years that something like this could happen here.
He swallowed back the shame he felt and sank down on the bunk to sit beside Jamie. The mattress was thin and stank of sweat. He did not miss living in the bunkhouse. Jamie lifted his head slightly, his blue eyes watery with tears he was clearly trying to hold back. John caught them and wondered again what to do. Should he pick him up? Would he hurt him? Would he not want to be touched?
He opted for opening his arms and inviting Jamie into them without making any moves towards him. The kid hesitated for a moment, like he wasn't sure he actually wanted to or that John was actually offering but then crawled into John's lap and started to sob. He was shaking and apologizing so much John was afraid he would fly apart. It also broke his heart to hear the little boy apologize, like this was somehow his fault.
He needed to know though, how much of it Jamie really understood. So after a minute or two, he took Jamie's upper arms and made him say what happened. He didn't know the words for some things but it was basically the same story Lloyd had told him. Miller had sodomized him. He apologized again, after he was done and John couldn't help the impotent rage he felt and slammed his fist into one of the bed frames. How the fuck was he supposed to protect this place, protect the valley, hell even raise his family, if he couldn't protect his son from being raped in his own backyard.
Jamie startled and shrank into himself when John punched the wood and he somehow felt even worse than he had before. He got down on his knees and pulled Jamie back into his arms, rocking him till he calmed down a little. He noticed the back of the boys jeans were damp and he decided that Jamie needed to be cleaned up, right then and there so he took him into the showers and helped him take his clothes off and get into the shower. There was seman and drops of blood in the boy's underwear and gagged, fighting not to vomit to see it. He balled them up and threw them away. He could just wear his jeans back to the house.
His father came in and John stepped away from the shower to talk to him. "The son of a bitch lied to us about why he was in prison. It was armed robbery it was for raping little boys," his father explained with his hat in his hand. He had been the one that had chosen to hire Miller. John just nodded, not sure if he wanted to pound his father's face with his fist, or collapse into his arms for a hug.
"What do I say?" he settled on. "What do I do?"
His father put his grizzled hand on his face, looking him in the eyes. "I wish I knew. But I think it is important not to make a big deal out of it."
"How do you not make a big deal out of being molested?"
"Just treat it like any other mishap or bit of bad luck. Like with horses, if you are calm about things then they will be too."
"He isn't a horse," John sighed. "He's just a little boy, what if," he wasn't sure what he was afraid of. Was he worried that he might stop being good at school, start acting out? What if he stopped being the sweet, little kid that chewed on his lip and asked to hear stories before bedtime? He wasn't sure.
"The boys are going to end Miller. Let Jamie see it, that way he'll know he has nothing to be scared of anymore." John wasn't sure about that. He had taken Lee and Jamie hunting, let them shoot deer but that wasn't the same as letting him see a man being executed, even if it was on his behalf.
"I don't know."
"I do. Don't you want to see him dead, for what he did?" That was an understatement. "So let Jamie see then take him to the house and tell him things will be better in the morning and we'll go from there." John still wasn't sure, but he nodded, not knowing what else to do.
The little boy seemed exhausted and unsteady on his feet, when he was done cleaning up so John hoisted him up to carry him back to the house. He did stop though, and allow Jamie to see Miller being put down like the animal he was. He hoped it would help, but judging from Jamie's reaction it might have been a mistake. Jamie was gentle to a fault and he should have known seeing someone being shot in the head would bother him but he felt like he was making things up as he went along.
By the time they reached the house, Jamie had quieted again. Evie met them at the door wondering what was going on. He made up a lie that Jamie had fallen asleep in the barn and asked John to come get him. She looked skeptical but accepted it and sat back down to switch Kaycee to a different breast.
Once he had Jamie upstairs and tucked into bed in fresh pajamas, he felt lost again. He sat down, with his back against the headboard and pulled Jamie close to him, stroking his hair. He then told him that tomorrow everything would be better and that tonight was just like a bad dream. He also told him not to tell anyone. People knowing would open up questions on what happened to Miller and he also didn't want anyone thinking the Duttons couldn't protect their own. He also didn't want Jamie to have to go through the embarrassment of people knowing. So he made his son promise.
The little boy, for good or ill kept it. He didn't tell anyone why John finally bought them a dog or why he all of a sudden had nightmares and started wetting the bed. John felt terrible when Evie yelled at him for it and he saw the war in his son's eyes between keeping his promise and begging John for help. He also started withdrawing from Lee and barely talking to anyone. John and his dad made sure Lee was occupied so he didn't ask too many questions and Jamie stayed quiet. Even his father was worried about him when the kid freaked out and ran away when he had handed his father the wrong tool.
John, himself, was awkward around his son. He had tried to hug him once, when he looked sad, but Jamie had jumped about 4 feet in the air and darted away. John felt fucking horrible for scaring him like that. It made sense that he wouldn't want to be touched anymore, after what happened. He remembered when he had been a teenager, a barrel racer had gotten assaulted at a rodeo and she kept saying she didn't want anyone to touch her. So he made sure not to touch him again and to stay away from him in general till he felt like coming to John. Sometimes they would only see each other at dinner and John would try and catch his eye but Jamie wouldn't hold it. His son was right to blame him.
It broke his heart to see his son like that. While he would never say Jamie was outgoing or exuberant like Lee and Beth, he still used to interact with people, talk and laugh with them. Now he didn't even really ask questions anymore. His teachers had noticed and Evie had noticed though it was easy enough to distract her by saying one of their kids needed something. The worst were the nights that he would help Evie out and take care of Kaycee and when he walked by Jamie's room, he could hear him crying. He wanted to go to him, with every fiber of his being and tell him that it was going to be OK but he never did. His father was probably right, doing so would make a big deal out of it and make it harder for Jamie to move past it. Plus, he never knew if Jamie would flinch away from him because if he did, John might crumble. He might just completely lose it and punch his fist through the wall or wail at the sky. It was better to ignore it. Nothing good ever came of shining a light on the worst thing that ever happened to you. It was best to just pretend it never happened.
As time went on, everyone became adjusted to Jamie's new normal. His teachers quit expecting him to ask all sorts of questions during class and Evie quit expecting him to run up to her for random hugs. But John hated it. He hated every time he looked in Jamie's eyes the broken thing he had become. He also hated when the next spring he was driving Jamie into Bozeman for the 3rd grade science fair and Jamie asked him if his nightmares would ever go away. John froze. It was such an earnest and childish question. He just wanted to know if it would get easier but John had no idea. He didn't know what to do or to say so he repeated what he had told him that night. "Don't worry, it's just like a dream." And he hated himself even more because he was still eternally grateful he was having this conversation with Jamie and not one of his real children.
