Summary
It's not exactly a secret.
No really, it's like...the opposite of a secret. Someone may as well have, at one point in time, hired a sky writer, rented a billboard space on the freeway and took out an advert in every LA newspaper. That's how much of a not secret it is.
Jade West hates being touched.
Authors Note
TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter mentions the following things; Child Neglect, Physical Child Abuse, Sexual Child Abuse and Rape, Minor Panic Attacks and a victim blaming themselves for their abuse. If you see any other issues that need to be mentioned, please point them out to me in the comments so I can add them to this list.
This one was a hard one to write, and may be a hard one to read. It goes through the abuse Jade has suffered in her childhood, at her mothers house. It doesn't go into graphic detail, mostly because I'm not comfortable writing rape scenes at all, never mind one including a young child and an adult. I don't think I have the talent a writer needs to be sensitive about the topic, and would hate to write something that dealt with such a horrible thing poorly, or worst of all, as if it was a smut-scene. Also, on a personal note, I don't want to get into such a dark headspace while writing, and this was hard enough without going into details.
Also; NONE OF THE TRIGGERS RELATE TO BECK IN ANY WAY. Just wanted to make that clear. This is probably the hardest hitting of all the chapters and the only one that actually looks deeper into the abuse itself, not just the fallout of it, as the other chapters have. The overall chapter is set after TFB&J, so in their Senior year. The flashback Beck thinks about is from Freshman year, around winter break - they still don't sleep together until October of Sophomore year, because in my head, Beck stops trying to go any further unless Jade initiates it, to make sure she's 100% ready and in the right place mentally.
On a far happier note; apologies for the silence on my end when it comes to posting this last week. It was actually my birthday yesterday, so I was celebrating with family over the weekend and then went out for dinner and cocktails last night with my partner - and also? My boyfriend of 7 years PROPOSED! I said yes, obviously! So I'm now engaged!
Beck smiled as he watched Jade. She was fast asleep next to him – well, not really next too. More like half on top of him; her head rested on the junction between his neck and shoulder, one arm tossed restlessly across his torso, the other tucked up under his pillow and one leg tangled up between his, his own arm loose around her waist, his fingertips brushing her hip bone.
He was well aware of how lucky he was that he was allowed to touch her; it made him pretty proud to be honest, that out of everyone Jade had come in contact with for the largest parts of her life, he was the one person she trusted enough to have a carte blanche on physical contact; she didn't even really like contact with her dad or step-mom, or Cat (although he knew Cat had definitely softened Jade up when it came to physical touches, at least just a little). The only reason Cat or her dad or anyone other than him, really, knew when they could touch Jade was if she initiated the contact. If she leaned in for a hug, then she was fine with being hugged. But if someone tried to hug her without her starting it, or touched her suddenly, then heads could very well roll.
Unless it was him (or Tori, which was kind of weird if Beck thought about it but no doubt Jade had her own crazy reasons). He could touch Jade whenever he liked, and took every chance to do so; sitting in Improv or a class without desks? Her legs were pulled up over her lap. At a table during a meal or just on a couch watching TV? His arm around her shoulders or her sitting on his lap with his arms around her waist. In an actual class, with desks? A little harder, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to be found playing with her hand. He always tried his best to have maximum physical contact with his volatile and mercurial girlfriend. For a few reasons, really.
Firstly, he wouldn't deny that it was pride; he liked to show off to anyone and everyone that Jade West let him touch her without any threats of physical or psychological violence. That they were so in love, so entuned to each other, that he could touch her without warning and she wouldn't even flinch, just flash him a cheeky smile.
The second though was...well, because otherwise, who would? When they had first started dating, and Jade was still skittish about touches, Beck had done a little research into it. He figured she had h aphephobia, the fear of being touched or 'touch avoidance'. With that research, he realised that well...human touch was a needed thing. It gave comfort, security, just the feeling of not being alone. And Jade very rarely, if ever, had actual physical contact with others. The fact that, even at the start, she allowed him to hold her hand or put his arm around her (so long as he gave her a heads up first) made him decide that, for as long as she let him, he'd be the one to give her the physical contact that humans as a species craved.
It was during a make out session – in his RV, after watching a movie together – that he found out why she hated to be touched. They'd been together a little over 6 months, and were about to go back to their Freshman year at school, after winter break. The making out was a bit heavier than usual, admittedly – Beck had been thinking that maybe soon both of them would take the plunge and actually sleep together soon, and the makeout sessions were certainly heading in that direction - but when he skirted his hand along the waistband of her shorts, her top already long gone, something triggered her; she froze underneath him, her breath speeding up but not in an excited way. It took him a moment or two to notice her reaction, but when he did he pulled back and away from her instantly, making sure to cut off all contact with her until her breathing calmed down. He didn't say anything, just watched her carefully until she finally relaxed a little and stopped being so tense.
"Are you OK?" He asked gently, making no move to get closer and all too thankful he'd looked into this condition, because otherwise his automatic reaction would be to pull her in for a hug – which might not go very well in this situation.
Jade just nodded quickly, taking short breaths and twisting her fingers together, almost as if she didn't even notice she was only in her skirt, bra and panties (he'd never call them panties in front of Jade. She hated that word.).
"You don't have to tell me Jade but...why are you so...skittish?" Beck had an idea – a horrible, horrific idea of why she had such issues with being touched. He hoped against hope it wasn't the case, but his hopes weren't too high.
It took a little bit of needling – he didn't pressure her, God no, but he patiently and calmly spoke to her, promising he just wanted to understand her reasoning, that he wanted to make sure he didn't do anything that would ever make her uncomfortable. And then...with an empty voice and her eyes trained on the bedspread as she sat cross legged on his bed, she told him.
She had been 6 when her Dad had walked out on them. Her mom got into heroine and coke and crack not long after, meeting Jared who dealt all three but only did coke. She practically lived at the Shapiro's, only getting the chance to actually eat with them and staying over at least 4 times a week, in a pullout bed on Robbie's bedroom floor.
But she was 7 the first time Jared had done anything. It had started off as small things that Jade hadn't truly realised were wrong – goodnight kisses, but on the lips. Helping her in the bath and making sure she was 'nice and clean' (that made Beck shudder). Things that felt weird and she didn't like, but her dad had given her goodnight kisses on the forehead when he was still there and he'd sometimes helped her in the bath, although he'd never helped her clean herself after she turned 4, mostly just made sure she didn't accidentally drown or hurt herself, and to help wash her hair. But Jared had told her it's what good daddies did and, since she was still angry with her Daddy for leaving her, she decided that he was a bad daddy, and that's why he had never given her kisses on the mouth or helped her get nice and clean.
Then, when she was 8 he snuck into her room in the middle of the night and 'played games with her' - at this point, Beck had to tighten his lips and clench every muscle in his body; not only out of anger, but as a way to stop himself throwing up then and there, at the thought of what she went through. It went on for years, with him getting more and more volatile, more and more obsessive with her; taking her out on 'dates', buying her toys and jewelry.
And at the same time, her mom knew .
She told him with hollow eyes that her mom had somehow found out. And she got angry; she got mad and shouted and screamed and hit. But the target wasn't Jared. It was Jade she went after one day, when she'd come home from school and Jared had been out meeting a few 'clients'. She was screaming about how Jade had 'stolen' Jared from her, how she should have kicked her out along with her father, that she was all sorts of different bad names; at 8, she was beaten by her mother because her mothers boyfriend was raping her.
It sounded like a horrific crime show, like something made up to shock and upset an audience. He couldn't believe it, that it had happened to not only someone he knew, but to Jade of all people. Jade West, tough as nails, will destroy you socially if you squint at her wrong, Jade West. He'd assumed there had been a form of sexual assault in her past, as much as he hated to think about it. But he hadn't even thought that she'd have been so young, that it would have gone on for so many years; five whole years that she'd lived in that hell, her only escape her neighbours house. Beck wondered if Robbie knew. He must have. Maybe that was why they were so awkward around each other; Robbie reminded Jade of the worst time of her life, and Robbie knew that.
She couldn't tell anyone; her mom and Jared both made sure of that, frightening her with stories of her being killed, of them killing the Shapiro's if she 'tattled', about the beatings from her mother or the assaults from Jared. She wasn't to even mention Jared or any of mommy's strung out friends to her Dad on the two visits a month he had. If she did, not only would they kill her and the Shapiro's, they'd kill her Daddy too.
Five years. It went on for five years before it finally stopped. And that only happened because Jade herself was almost killed. Her mother had flipped out more than ever before. Jade had ended up curled into a ball on the cracked kitchen tiles as her mother hit her repeatedly with the sharp-edged flat metal divider that had once been used to stop the door from the kitchen to the hall swinging too far, and also to hold down the ratty hall carpet and the kitchen tiles, before it had been broken off at a party. The sides had cut her when they hit, although thankfully it was the flat of the divider that was hitting her most. But it still hurt. She was screaming and begging and crying in pain, the only noises she really made in that house anymore. Her wrist was throbbing and at a weird angle from when she'd held it up to protect her face.
Neither Jade nor her mother heard the door. Neither heard the thundering footsteps. But suddenly, the hits stopped and Jade looked up and saw Jared, holding her mothers shoulders and slamming her into the wall over and over, denting and crumbling the damp-damaged drywall. Jade lay frozen on the floor as blood started to appear on the wall, where her mothers head kept hitting. But Jared didn't stop. He just kept slamming her over and over again, screaming obscenities, telling her to never lay a hand on Jade again, that Jade was his girl, that Jade was the only reason he put up with her. And soon, her mother stopped crying and struggling, and went silent, her eyes open but sightless, her head flopping back and forth as if her neck bones had turned to rubber but Jared still never stopped.
And that was when Jade finally regained use of her legs, and was able to scramble to her feet and, without looking behind her, hightailed it out the back door, running as fast as she could to the Shapiro's next door, a bruised, beaten and bloody hysterical mess.
All Beck wanted to do once she'd finally finished, eyes dry but voice hollow and empty, was pull her into his arms and protect her from anything and everything that would even dream of hurting her. But he knew that, that could very well be a bad idea, if she was still in her memories. He never wanted her to flinch away or be scared of his touch.
"Jade...can I hug you?" He asked very carefully, keeping a careful eye on her and making sure his hands were in full view. She looked at him like he was a stranger for a few seconds before her eyes fluttered shut and she nodded. With permission granted, Beck moved faster than he ever thought he could, tugging her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her almost bare upper body, holding her tightly against him – skin to skin, but with nothing sexual or sensual even in the further corner of his mind. He just wanted to hold her; it was a horrible thing to think, when she'd told him such a story, but it was almost like he was taking comfort from her . The way she'd told him the details, in such a hollow voice, as if she was reciting a grocery list, made his stomach twist and turn.
"It's fine. She's dead, he's in jail for life." Jade told him matter of factly. "Apparently, he isn't even fully classed as a pedophile." She let out a disbelieving laugh at that and Beck pulled back just enough to give her an alarmed stare at her words. "I know. But apparently, he's not 'attracted to children'. It was just me that he liked. He thought he was in love with me. I was seven . Seven years old and his drug addled brain thought we had an actual relationship." She shook her head, her body losing the statuesque stiffness as she spoke, slowly starting to shiver like she was out in the Canadian wilderness in mid-winter. "He thought our outings to the park and McDonalds were dates ." The shaking got worse, practically rattling his own bones as he held her tightly against him. "I get if you want to...finish things with me Beck. I'm used goods." She let out a choked laugh. "I can't even give you my virginity."
Beck couldn't shake his head fast enough. "No! God no . I wouldn't...I'd never leave you because of this. God I don't...the thought that you've been through that...that something like that happened to you makes me feel sick. I don't know whether I want to burn down the entire fucking world to get to that sick, twisted man or if I want to throw up." He stroked her soft brown hair – with pale pink and white extensions today – and hugged her tighter to him if that was even possible, tucking her head under his chin. "You are not used goods. You had no choice in anything . You were the victim Jade." He heard her scoff and let out a bark of harsh, wet laughter.
"A victim?" She shook her head, pulling back a little to look at him, face to face. Her eyes were wet now, misty and leaking tears at the corners, black kohl eyeliner flaking off just a little, her eyelashes clumped together with a mix of her mascara and unshed tears. "Five times." He tilted his head in confusion, not fully understanding her cryptic words. "Five times, I could have said something...could have done something. When I'd been hurt so badly, that people were worried about my home life and asked. Five times and every time, I said nothing. The Shapiro's were...they were always so worried. They were always asking and...every time I'd lie and say I'd fallen down the stairs or out of a tree. I had so many chances to tell the truth and get out and never took them. Jared said he knew all of the police...that he was friends with them, so they'd know it was my fault." She laughed again and it was brittle like broken glass. "And even when I knew that was just bullshit I...I couldn't tell. I was so scared of him Beck. But I had options, I had choices and chances and...and I didn't take a single one of them. And now...now, every time someone calls me a 'victim'..." She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her bare stomach. "I feel like the biggest liar in the world."
Beck didn't think it was possible but his heart broke even more hearing her say that. "It wasn't your fault Jade. I wouldn't ever lie to you and...and what happened to you...it's horrific. But that's not on you. You didn't do anything wrong." He promised, pulling her back into his arms. "You were a kid . They should have been protecting you, not abusing you. If someone had done that, God forbid, to Cat-" He felt her tense up in his arms at the very idea of something happening to Cat. "Would you blame her? Would you think she was a liar?"
"No! God no!"
"Then why's it any different for you? Just because you're tough as nails now...you were a child . A child forced into a life that is unlivable for an adult, never mind an 8 year old. You are the strongest, smartest, most talented person I've ever met in my entire life Jade. I always thought so but now...now I know you're one of the strongest people in the entire world ." He knew he was rambling but he couldn't stop himself, especially when he felt her slowly start to melt into his arms, her ridged bones and muscles relaxing. "The fact you're not...just a husk. A hollow shell. The fact you can still be so passionate about things you love, the fact you love people so whole heartedly – no matter how much you try to hide it...it makes you amazing . You didn't become a statistic on some government database. You're not a victim Jade. You're a survivor ."
And it was still true to this day. Somehow, he had no clue how, Jade managed to get herself up and dressed every day. She didn't wallow or hide herself away. She made each and every day her bitch and if her just not being open to touching was the only concession to her past she had? How could anyone fault her for it.
