If you're surprised to see me updating... right there with ya. I've had the worst writer's block. Hope it was worth the wait! Let me know what you think.
The Price We Pay to Feel
"We still go on, and you find some way to survive, and you find out you don't have to be happy at all to be happy you're alive." - Brian Yorkey
"NO!"
Caroline shoved him off of her with such force that he flew off the bed and landed against the nightstand, knocking a lamp to the ground. It shattered into a thousand pieces, glass flying everywhere as the room grew dimmer. She pulled herself up against the headboard and wrapped her arms around her legs, chin on her knees and eyes wide. Shaking her head vehemently back and forth, her chest heaved as she ripped at her golden curls. "No. No, this isn't what I wanted. I can't… I don't… I'm not like you. I-I-I'm not! I am not a monster!"
Klaus flashed to her side and gently pulled her hand from her curls before she ripped out a fistful of hair. "Do you feel that?" He placed his other hand over her chest, his skin hot against hers. "That tightness in your chest? It feels like a vice is gripping your heart so hard it might burst." She turned to him with red-rimmed eyes, her entire body trembling. Her mouth fell open, but no words came out as her lower lip quivered. "That's fear, sweetheart. You're afraid of losing yourself in the monster, which means there's some part of you yet to be lost. That's your humanity. Let it find you."
An agonizing wail escaped Caroline's throat as a tsunami of emotions took her breath away. Crashing through an enormous wave of sorrow at the memory of her mother's death, she fell on her side, curled in a little ball. Klaus caught her before she hit the mattress, wrapping her up in his strong arms as she cried the blue out of her eyes. The next wave was self-loathing for how she'd betrayed her friends. Would they ever forgive her? It was too much to think about.
When regret, guilt and shame followed, she welcomed them.
Tears streamed down her face as she cried into the pillow, screaming out her pain at the top of her lungs as the Original spooned her, her grip on his arm almost painful as she clung to her hybrid life raft.
Caroline's sobs turned to retching as the coppery taste of human blood flooded her senses, his fist curled so deeply that her nails went through the mattress. "Oh, God! The people I-I-I," she sobbed, clenching the sheet so tight her knuckles whitened. "I hurt so many people!"
"No, you didn't," Klaus whispered, kissing her shoulders. "You didn't hurt anyone, love."
"What are you talking about?" With another gut-wrenching sob, the baby vampire buried her face in the pillow and tore at her hair. "We killed an entire club full of people! They're dead. They're all dead! Oh God!"
"Caroline, look at me." All she did was shake her head as tears fell all over the cotton, unable to face her partner in crime. Klaus pried her hands from her curls and pulled her up by the shoulders, but she continued to sway violently side to side. "Look at me. Look at me!" He held her body still as she inhaled ragged breaths until she reluctantly peeked up at him from beneath tear-soaked blonde tendrils stuck to her cheeks. He let his pupils dilate as he spoke in a low, clear tone. "Remember what I told you before we walked in the nightclub."
Caroline's entire body stilled as a memory came flashing back to her like a waking dream.
She was standing in the shadows behind the club as Klaus kissed her. Arms pinned above her head, he pulled back until his eyes bore into hers, voice low and hypnotic. "You will feed until your heart's content, but you will not kill anyone, and you will heal everyone you touch. You will take them outside one by one. After you finish, you will compel them to leave and remember nothing, but you will think you've left them dead in the alley. Every time you come back inside, you will see that I've left another person dead or dying on the floor. When someone leaves alive, you won't notice. You will forget this conversation until I tell you to remember. Do you understand?"
The Caroline in the hotel room watched the compelled version of herself numbly nod her head, eyes glassy and voice mechanical. "I understand. I'll forget this conversation."
"And you will not kill anyone," the memory of Klaus repeated firmly.
"I will not kill anyone." He nodded his head in satisfaction, upper lip curling in a devious smirk as he fell back into the role of the big bad wolf and went back to kissing her.
"You compelled me?" Caroline asked in horror, swiping at a stray tear. "You said you weren't going to do that."
"I said I wasn't going to compel you to turn it back on. I said nothing about legitimately convincing you that you should," he pointed out in a tone she found so grating she almost slapped him. "I compelled you solely to prevent you from engaging in horrors so unforgivable that their occurrence would preclude your willingness ever to do so again." Noticing the way her eyes narrowed, he added defensively, "I saved you from yourself, and I'm not going to apologize for that."
"Don't make it sound like you did something noble," she spat venomously. Only Caroline Forbes could look fierce with snot covering half her face, golden strands stuck to her cheek and forehead. "You took away my free will!"
Klaus' jaw tightened as he struggled to reign in his own emotions. "You gave it away when you turned it off," he snapped callously, part of him enjoying the way she recoiled, pulling away from his arms. "Not a decision you've made has been your own. You've been driven purely by the monster." Sniffling, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down, a wave of shame washing over her that made the hybrid regret his temper. Awkwardly, she snatched the sheet up and covered herself, not that he hadn't just tasted every inch of her. Still, she needed something to cover her bare skin other than shame and loathing. Sighing, he reached for her hand and was relieved when she didn't slap him away. "Now, you're free," he continued in a softer tone, squeezing lightly so she'd look at him. "So, what are you going to do?"
"I…" Caroline's mouth opened and closed a few times, tears finally subsiding. Klaus silently got up and found a box of tissues, wordlessly passing it to her. Taking one to dry her eyes and wipe her nose, she nodded gratefully.
Klaus was the last person she ever would have guessed could bring back her humanity, but there he was. Caring for her. Listening to her. Waiting for her to break his heart all over again. The world was a confusing and terrifying place. She'd hurt everyone around her by turning off her humanity, and yet the one person she'd hurt with it fully intact was the one who brought her back. "I don't know," she admitted honestly. She'd never felt so lost and at home at the same time. The only thing that made sense was letting him pull her back to him, so she did. Facing her as they lay on their sides, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, and it was almost enough to make her burst back into tears. How could anyone still care about her? Biting her lower lip, she added tentatively, "I can't go back to Mystic Falls…"
"So don't," he replied immediately. "Come with me to New Orleans."
"What?!" Even though it was what she wanted to hear, she felt a rush of indignation spark her already overheated emotions. She slapped his shoulder, but he didn't pull away. "You're supposed to tell me that I have to," she huffed, settling back into his embrace. "Tell me that my friends will still love me, not run off and never look back."
"Don't look at me to be the voice of reason." He chuckled at her look of incredulity. "What? I'm hardly the good guy."
"I think…" Caroline began slowly, eyeing him carefully. He'd done so much for her, more than she ever would have expected and nothing she felt she deserved. He wasn't the big bad wolf anymore. He was just… Klaus. "I think there are parts of you that are good."
"Parts, perhaps, but not the whole. I don't deny that, nor is it something for which I will apologize. I could be better, but I could also be worse." The forever teenager worried her lower lip as she looked at him, unsure what to make of his candor. "There are benefits to a long life." Klaus sighed tiredly and for once, she could see the wisdom that came with age. "I've seen what happens when society relies on the morality of man. It's a system set up to fail. Not all people can be redeemed because not everyone seeks redemption. The simple truth of the human condition is that not all people are good." He could see the anxiety behind her crystal blue eyes and found that everything good in him wanted to chase it away. "But you are, sweetheart." He tucked a curl behind her ear and rubbed his thumb over her temple, satisfied when he heard her heartbeat begin to slow at last. "You've done nothing for which you cannot atone. Stefan sought me out to help you. He will forgive any transgressions, as will the rest of your friends, should you return to Mystic Falls."
"Where else would I go?" the baby vampire asked quickly. It was a gut reaction. The small town had always been her home… but she was beginning to think it didn't always have to be… Did it?
"There's a whole world out there, love. I've told you this before." He smiled fondly as he thought back on the day she first ensnared his cold, dead heart. "Do you remember?"
"I remember," she admitted almost shyly. "It was my birthday. You told me the world was full of great cities and art and music. Genuine beauty."
"And you can have all of it." He leaned forward and lightly pressed his lips to hers, the heat lingering between them. "All you have to do is ask."
Caroline inhaled a shaky breath and exhaled slowly. "Are you saying I should come with you to New Orleans?"
"I can't say if you should, but you could." He flashed her his dimples. "My offer stands for a first class ticket to join me."
The baby vampire's lip caught between her teeth as she gnawed it. "Do you think your family will forgive you?" Thinking back on his laundry list of offenses, it was hard to imagine 'forgiveness' ever happening… but a thousand years was a long time. Maybe they'd figured out the secret to familial happiness after so many centuries.
"That's the difference between us. I don't care if they do." Or maybe not. "Truth be told, we seldom truly forgive each other for our various transgressions. We simply choose to love each other and move forward." Klaus shrugged, resigned to an eternity of the same cycle of misery. "We're family, always and forever."
Caroline frowned. She didn't have any siblings, and when she heard the hybrid talk about his, she was glad for it. "Do you think…" Her voice trailed off, unsure if she should say what she was thinking. Thinking hadn't been going well for her lately.
"What is it, love?" he asked curiously.
This was probably a terrible idea. She should definitely stop talking… but that had never worked, either. "Do you think they'd still love you if you didn't live in the same place?"
Klaus felt his heart skip a beat; keeping his face impassive was a struggle. Hope was a dangerous thing. "Where else would I go?" he asked in a tone far too forced to sound casual even to him.
"Well, you just said there's a whole world out there. There's Rome, Paris, Tokyo." They both smiled at the memory of the first time he offered to whisk her away. "I mean, those are great if you like big cities. I haven't been to a lot of big cities. Is New Orleans, like, super big? I mean, I know it's big, but is it big big? I'm not sure I'd like big big." He didn't bother trying to answer; she was talking a mile a minute. "I've visited big cities. I've been to New York a couple of times, and that is definitely too big. Like, I would get lost in a big city like that. There's so much stuff, and that's cool, but it's seriously a lot." She was rambling and they both knew it, but his only reaction was to hold his breath and hope like hell this wasn't another goodbye.
But with Caroline, he never knew. She always kept him guessing. It was part of her appeal. So, he held his breath and waited for hers to run out.
"I think it's fun to visit big cities. Like, I think I'd like to visit New Orleans, but I don't think I'd like to live there. I think I like small places. Mystic Falls is small. It's probably too small. You told me that once, and maybe you're right, but I think for right now, it's where I need to be. It's home, you know? Like, I know anyplace can become home, but it's where I grew up, and where you grew up. It's our first home, and I don't think I'm ready to leave it yet. So, instead of going to New Orleans, which I'm sure is totally great, by the way…" Finally pausing to catch her breath, she inhaled deeply and steeled herself for what was probably the craziest idea she'd ever had, oblivious to the fact that he was doing the same. "Maybe we could both go home."
Caroline wasn't sure of much, but she knew for sure that if Klaus' smile got any wider, his dimples were going to make his cheeks start bleeding. He had a faraway look in his eyes, like he was imagining their entire future for the next thousand years, and she had no idea if that was a good thing or not. "Does that smile mean you like the idea?" For a man who could talk his way out of hell, the Original was speechless. All he could do was nod his head and smile even wider before his laps crashed against hers.
Actions speak louder than words.
The baby vampire kissed her hybrid until the air left their lungs. They looked at each other for a brief moment before both burst into hysterical laughter, the anxiety of not knowing the next step lifting from their shoulders. Caroline was the first to compose herself; his smile was still absurd and a bit maniacal. "You don't think your family is going to hate you?" she asked tentatively, unsure if that had occurred to him.
"That's why I'm smiling." Her horror-ridden expression made him laugh again. "I'm trying to decide the best way to break the news."
"You mean the most painful?" she quipped, huffing at his amusement at her indignation.
"Absolutely. The possibilities are endless." He frowned at her next huff, tone losing all trace of humor. "Caroline, this is who I am. You said it yourself: parts of me are good. It stands to reason you must also know parts of me are not. My siblings conspired to create a dagger unaffected by my werewolf bloodline and used it to separate me from my only daughter. Based on our long and sordid history of irreparably broken relationships, I've no reason to believe they'd have removed it within her lifetime. Can you blame me for both loving and hating them in equal measure?"
Caroline's jaw dropped in shock. "They daggered you?" Irises flashing gold, he nodded his head, the sound of his teeth grinding together a palpable beast. "But… you have a baby."
The hybrid's jaw ticked again, making the vampire idly wonder if chipped teeth grow back. "Yes, a fact of which I am quite certain they were aware," he bit out, choking on his own vitriol. "They felt she would be better off without me. Still do."
"Little girls need their fathers." She said it with such conviction and fire that it nearly took his breath away. "I know you've done some awful things, but nothing is that awful. I don't believe she could ever be better off without you."
As Klaus peered into her crystal blue eyes, he couldn't help but wonder if anyone had ever seen the reflection of such innocence in his own before he learned far too much of the world and its sorrows. "I'm afraid they disagree, sweetheart. Not everyone sees the world as you do." Smiling ruefully, he pressed another kiss to her forehead and pulled her closer. "Not everyone sees me the way you do. To most, I'm a villain, and I'll always be a villain. I think even Elijah's beyond seeking my redemption now."
Caroline bit the inside of her cheek as she thought about it. "I think that's kind of the problem. You surround yourself with people who will never forgive you and who you will never forgive and wonder why all you do is make each other miserable."
"Such is the burden of family."
The younger blonde blinked a few times and gazed at him almost pityingly. "No, it isn't." He raised a brow and she looked at him like he was a very dim bulb. "I'm sorry that no one has ever told you this, but your family is who loves you and who you love in return for no other reason than to love them."
Klaus almost had to smile at her naïveté. Her ideals were adorable. Ridiculous… but adorable. "There's love, and then there's blood. In my family, they have always been one and the same," he explained, tone growing tired as he thought about the hundreds of years he and his siblings had roamed the earth, growing more in resentment than in love. "We were born in blood. We died in blood. We live forever in more blood. We are cursed by it, and yet we need it to survive."
Caroline scoffed and shook her head in disagreement. "Family is supposed to be people who share blood, yeah, but it doesn't have to be." Rolling over, she grabbed a Granny Smith apple from what remained of the fruit basket and took a bite. "I think it's time for you to take your daughter and find a new family."
"Oh, shall we change our names to Forbes, then?" he teased, stealing the green skin from her fingers and watching her face carefully as he chomped down on the crisp pulp.
"Forbes is a good, strong name, and it sounds way more normal than Mikaelson with a freakin' K," she shot back, reaching for the fruit as he held it just beyond her reach. "I mean, how vain was that guy?"
Klaus glared, her barb distracting him just enough to lose the apple. She stole it back with a triumphant smile. "Caroline, it was the tradition at the time."
"Tradition, smuhdrition. Your name sucks." She rolled her eyes at the way he narrowed his. She supposed he was going for menacing, but she just thought he looked constipated. "I'm not saying you should change that, but you should change something." Taking the last bite and tossing the core in the trash, she chewed thoughtfully as she thought it over. "Maybe you were Mikael's son once, but he's gone. He chased you for a thousand years, but then you finally killed him."
"Twice," he interjected proudly, smirking.
"Whatever," the baby vampire conceded, rolling her eyes. "The dude's dead. You can spend the next thousand years going around and around the carousel of revolving knives with your siblings, but it's only a matter of time before your daughter jumps on board and ends up getting cut to pieces."
His eyes flashed hybrid gold as his voice turned ragged, chest puffing. "I will kill anyone who dares harm her. I will rip out their hearts and those of everyone they've ever met, and then I'll-"
"Save the big bad wolf routine for the tourists. You don't scare me." The hybrid had the good sense to look chagrined at her reprimand. "The ongoing battle you guys have going on is what's going to harm her. But you can change that. You know, break the cycle or whatever." She waved her hand dismissively at the cliché. "Take her out of New Orleans and away from the drama and start over. There's more to life than hate and revenge."
"It may have escaped your keen notice, but I'm not particularly well liked in Mystic Falls." He smiled, as though proud of that. "I'm fairly certain the word 'hate' applies in that forgotten hamlet as much as it does in the Crescent City."
"I'm willing to admit you have a complicated history…" she conceded, biting her lower lip as another wave of emotion swirled around her chest. She sighed. "But when it really mattered, Stefan turned to you for help. Given, I'm sure he made it worth your while, but-"
"No, he didn't," Klaus cut her off quickly, shaking his head. "I was in the car the moment he told me you were in trouble. There was no bargain."
"He called you for a favor and you just… thought you'd help him out?" she asked skeptically, tone almost teasing. "Hoping to take the bromance back on the road?"
"I came to help you." He tapped her on the nose before she could protest. "And don't say you didn't need it. You were in trouble."
"And now you are," she fired back pointedly, not wanting to talk about her own problems any longer. "So, let me help you. I can't go to New Orleans." His face fell in disappointment, even though he knew her too well to think she'd turn her back on her friends. "Maybe I can someday, but right now, I need to go home and fix things with my friends. So, why don't you take a break from family wars and bring Hope to Mystic Falls for a little while?"
Klaus eyed her speculatively. Her normally porcelain face was splotchy and red, but the life had returned to her sapphire eyes. They shone with a rare sincerity it would be far too easy to forget existed in the harsh moonlight of Louisiana bayous. She watched him expectantly, wondering what was going through his mind… and if she'd even want to know. Finally, he sighed. "It's really just not going to be as much fun if I don't get to take Hope from Elijah in some horribly painful way that makes him think we've met some ill fate he could have prevented if only he hadn't spent quite so much time accessorizing." Caroline narrowed her eyes, hand falling menacingly to her hip. Just before she berated him, he flashed her his dimples. "But for your sake, a text that we're with you will have to suffice."
Squealing happily, she launched herself at him full force, her shoulder muffling his laughter as he fell backward against the mattress. "Yay!" she proclaimed happily, pressing her still-puffy lips to his over and over, glee swishing through her veins. "So, we'll road trip it to New Orleans to get the baby and maybe stay a day or two. I've always wanted to get beignets and a café au lait at the Café Du Monde."
"Anything you want, sweetheart," he promised, already imagining her reaction to the famed pastries.
"I'll watch Hope while you can patch things up with Elijah, and then we can talk about unwolfing Hay-"
"Caroline, don't start," the hybrid barked, holding up a finger. With a mischievous expression, she leaned forward and nipped it hard enough to make him wince. "A long weekend may be enough to make up for your misdeeds, but my list is a bit longer than yours. I lit the man's girlfriend on fire. It's going to take more than coffee and sugar."
"Technically, you compelled her to take off her daylight ring, and she burned in the sun," she reminded him cheekily, bringing out his dimples.
"He's probably already forgiven me then." They smiled even though they both knew it was a lie. They smiled because there'd been enough tears. Enough blood. Enough sorrow. It was time to start a new chapter. Caroline wasn't fooling herself into thinking it would be free of bloodshed, and Klaus wasn't naive enough to think this was the last he'd hear of what he'd done to Hope's mother. Time would pass, and maybe the Mikaelson's brother's rage would quell. Or, maybe they'd just never see each other again. Either way, he would be there to help Caroline grieve, and she would be there to help raise his littlest wolf… until she came to her senses and realized he had no intention of changing for her or anyone.
Then again…
Maybe senses were overrated.
Leave me some love!
