To get myself back into writing about B+B, I'm starting this project exploring the dynamics of their relationship throughout the series, looking at all the places where they could've got together. This is set in S5 E17 "The Death of the Queen Bee". Enjoy.
She stood outside in the cold, arms wrapped around her waist, wondering if this was how the rest of her life would be. She had been okay. The case had cracked quickly, as it usually did when she and Booth worked together. Being back at her high school certainly provoked a mixed bag of emotions, but not all of those were unpleasant and it had been hugely positive to have Booth by her side. The romantic deception was unexpected, but effective. It had all been okay, she was sure of it - until the second it wasn't.
The stars had descended from the ceiling and dispelled her composure. She had become emotional, Booth had hugged her, and they had slow danced at the prom she'd never had. The moment was something she'd never forget, one she would hold on to when she needed comfort. It felt like old times, when she could enjoy their closeness and not second-guess its existence. Now every touch was heavy with her rejection and his heart-break. Their heart-break. Before she knew it, her world slipped on its axis, and she was compelled outside into the dark.
She saw his face behind her closed eyelids. He had looked so good, and so kind, and so much like everything she wanted that staying near him was an impossibility. The noise of the reunion thudded mutely behind her as she opened her eyes and stared ahead, trying to blot him out. His joyful smile, his careful touches...that sudden, searing kiss – the memory was over a week old but it still dominated every waking moment. Desire snowballed in her chest and, horrified, she started to cry. She laid her palm across her mouth, hunching into herself. Fear squirmed inside her as she considered her options. If she continued on her current path, what would become of her? Human remains would be her companion, friends would provide her with comfort but not the connection she craved. She had managed this long, who was to say she couldn't continue? Yet another way forward beckoned. A path with him beside her. Would he want her after the initial glow faded? Or would she hurt him so badly that they would fracture completely? Would she have to bend so far that she would break? Or would he want her, for her; love her exactly as she was? Her hands pressed flat on either side of her head, steadying her thoughts. What did she do with that?
She rationalised her fears, for and against. In the five years she had known Booth, had he ever let her down? Had he ever made her feel small? Never. But could she really give him everything he needed? Could she be a partner in the way he deserved? Wanting to do these things for him and being able to, were separate entities. She was right to say no. Even if it felt horribly, irrevocably wrong.
It felt wrong. She couldn't ignore that. Years ago, before him, she would have been able to ignore such a gut feeling, and she would have found comfort in rationality. Rational thought didn't apply nowadays when it came to Booth. He unleashed everything she had tried so hard to suppress, and she couldn't even hate him for it.
Could something be done? Would he still want her now if she told him that she had changed her mind? Could she put herself in the position of being rejected, for him? She scrunched her eyes shut and a fresh wave of tears trailed down her cheeks. She couldn't deny it. She spent her days with him, her nights thinking of him; sharing food together, mending broken people as best they could by giving them truth. The monotonies of life didn't seem so monotonous with him, the traumas not so life-changing. He knew her. He loved her. She wanted him and everything that would come.
"Bones! Why're you out here in the dark?"
His voice sent tremors through her as she quickly wiped away the evidence of her pain. She half turned towards him and managed a watery smile.
"I needed some air." An unconvincing lie. It didn't land.
"You're upset." He came towards her but not close enough. His irises glistened in the moonlight, the glow of the reunion a soft shadow behind him. "Did someone say something to you?"
"I'm fine, honestly," she insisted. She looked away, but heard him step closer and so, she added for good measure, "it's too loud in there."
He stood beside her. She felt the heat of his body, and she held her breath.
"We can go any time you want," Booth said, softly. His hands dug into his pockets. "You've got nothing to prove to these people."
She nodded, "I know that." Her eyes met his, "thank you."
He shrugged, and looked away. "I've always got your back."
Brennan noted an unexpected ripple of irritation, origin unknown. Booth saw it roll up her body, and didn't know what to say. He stared ahead, hoping the quiet would continue. His hopes were dashed.
"Why do you always do that?" Brennan.
His eyes snapped to hers, inexplicably drawn together at the same moment. He looked at her for an explanation. Her gaze asked the same of him, knowing a door had opened on its own and would not close.
"Do what?" Booth.
"Why are you always kind to me when I don't deserve it?" Her arms folded across her waist.
His heart slammed into overdrive. He saw fear, and frustration etching their lines on her face. He floundered for a response. The more he looked at her, the harder it became to speak. Despite everything that had happened between them, she was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Even now, when she was inexplicably furious and scared, he was silenced by just how much he wanted her. Nothing would ever stop him from noticing, not even the broken heart in his chest that begged him to turn away. Was she trying to do it for him? Was she trying to get him to pull away from her?
"You're my partner," he finally sputtered.
Her voice rose to a fever pitch. She turned towards him, confrontational. "I pushed you away and you're still here. Why?"
She watched his mouth part, then close. They weren't talking about the reunion any more. Booth hesitated, and then dropped his defences.
"You know why." Steady. Matter-of-fact. He didn't have the energy to hide. "You're my partner and my friend. Regardless of anything else that goes on between us, that will never change." Anger surged from his gut, "just because you don't want a romantic relationship with me doesn't mean that I'm going to start treating you like a stranger. You know me better than that, Bones. I'm not that guy."
Something crossed her face, he couldn't name it. It made them both pause. Brennan lost hold of the anchor that had tied her down.
"I know you're not," she replied shakily, "but I'm scared, Booth."
He wasn't expecting that, "Scared? Why?"
"Of hurting you."
Confusion lined his brow. She took advantage of the silence, of the darkness that enveloped them both. Outside, she felt they were cocooned miles from any other living being. It was a blank canvas, an unbiased space where she could speak freely.
"I'm pulled in so many directions and I don't know what's right." She dropped her arms and they hung by her sides, "I'm terrified that you might not...that you won't-"
She stopped. Swallowed. Begged him with her eyes that he might understand, so she wouldn't have to say it aloud.
"That I won't what?" A whisper.
She hesitated, again. A lifetime of hesitancy and denial, refusing to falter even now. Stop punishing yourself. Stop punishing him. She thought. She avoided his gaze, and stared out ahead of her into the dark. In the distance, the line of trees that dotted the edge of her high school playing field swayed, the tips lilting in an invisible breeze. A shiver of wind slipped around her. Brennan found it strangely refreshing.
"Can I pose a hypothetical question to you?" Brennan asked suddenly.
Booth nodded wordlessly, perplexed and breathless.
The pull to him strengthened. Their arms nearly touched, "There is a woman who loves a man. She rejected him because she was afraid that she would not be able to provide him with everything he needed in life. The woman did as she needed to, to protect him. She couldn't risk hurting him more than was necessary, despite how completely and utterly wrong it felt to push him away." She froze, then thawed, "if this woman were to change her mind..."
Even in the dark, she saw the colour drain from his cheeks. His mouth parted, low breaths escaping as mist around him.
"If she realised that she had made a mistake, that she wanted to take back everything she'd said the night she rejected him because-" she closed her eyes as they stung with burgeoning tears, "because she was scared that she would never be enough, and that he would leave when that became apparent...would the man give her another chance?" She couldn't look at him, couldn't take the risk that she would look and see something she couldn't handle. All of her energy focused on avoiding his eyes, her voice cracked beneath the weight of her tears. "She is still scared but she wants you more."
Her cheeks blazed as her speech slipped. She barrelled through, discarding control.
"I'm terrified that I'll give myself to you and I won't be enough."
She had broken open. She could go never back.
A panting breath of disbelief from Booth. His hand found his mouth, cupping his jaw, wondering how the hell he was meant to respond. He wanted to bawl his eyes out, relief rising into joy, and joy imploding into fury. Why? Why now and not then? He'd barely slept the last week, gut churning with heartbreak and grief; full of desperation to keep her as his partner, knowing that somehow he'd have to find a way to move on despite knowing everything after her would be a hollow imitation of love. Dearest God, why now? He thought, but fury lapsed quickly back into joy, joy slipped into a sense of relief and then his heart swelled, and he knew there was only one response he could give.
Booth made a noise she didn't understand, a groan cut off with a sigh. She felt his eyes on her face, and she couldn't resist gazing up at him, shocked to find a burning intensity and solemnity she never thought she'd see again.
"The man will always give this woman another chance." He faced her, the tips of his fingers brushing her hand and it sent flurries of heat up her arm. "You are enough. You have always been enough," he told her.
The urgency between them electrified. He watched her chew her bottom lip, watched as it caught on her teeth.
"I want to be," she replied, releasing it. Her voice yearned for understanding. "I want to believe it." Like you believe it.
Booth didn't speak. Tears carved a path down her cheeks. He fought his own.
"What changed? Why have you changed your mind?" He didn't mean for it to come out so harshly, but shock drove the words out of his mouth. He needed to understand – more than he needed to eat, or breathe, or sleep. He had to know.
"Everything felt wrong," she admitted. Her hand brushed his again and the same sharp spike of desire nearly winded her. "I can't tell you exactly why, it isn't quantifiable. I just knew that I had made a mistake, and the pain it caused me to say no...I can't keep pretending that it's manageable, that I can live with it, so I'm telling you now..." she paused. Closed her eyes briefly. Opened them again and spoke. "I want another chance. I...I want to be all of the things that make you happy."
He laughed, tearfully. It pulled Brennan out of her stupor.
"You already are," he breathed.
She was dizzy. Exhausted, stripped raw down to her bones, and she shivered. Her mind swirled with dreams. A lover. A partner. Maybe one day, a part of him and her would exist in the form of a child. She didn't know, she couldn't pin any of it down, but with him there were possibilities. If it was going to happen at all, it would happen with Booth. His hands on her waist pulled her closer, and her hands sought his face. So quickly intoxicated by his scent, they gathered closer together, and their foreheads touched. Booth breathed her in, heart galloping. She was so soft. So warm. He didn't understand what was happening. Neither did she, but something compelled her forward. She couldn't help herself. There was no point in closing a broken door.
"I...I still don't understand," he whispered hoarsely. His grip on her tightened, in case she suddenly disappeared from his arms.
Her head shook minutely. Her voice wavered, "I never wanted to say no. I felt I had to. I never wanted to hurt you." She held onto him more tightly, "I'm sorry. I promise I'll do my best to explain."
A shared gaze, mirrored pain and longing. The space between them began to close. They savoured those last few moments before the dam inevitably broke, knowing that what they were, was finished, and what they were going to be, moved closer and closer with every inch that disappeared. Their embrace tightened as she curled into him. She felt his arms winding around her back, straining them closer together. Brennan still felt like she hadn't given enough.
"Booth," she croaked thickly, "I..."
He cut her off, knowing it was too much, already having what he needed. "I know, Bones. I know, okay? I do, too. It's okay. I..."
The metal fire door slammed against the brick wall of Brennan's high school, jolting them apart. Drunken laughter echoed, then the smashing of a glass. Booth felt like he'd been wrenched out of a blissful dream. He met Brennan's gaze, saw her frustration in equal measure. He'd been so close, so god-damn close.
"I want to go home," she said. "Can you take me home, please?"
"Yes." He answered immediately. The case was done, whatever-her-name was in custody, and all he wanted now was to be alone with Bones. He wanted her to feel safe, for her to reach for him just as she had moments ago.
They walked to the SUV, arms brushing, hearts racing in tandem, each wondering if D.C. had always been so far away.
