You're the reason I haven't killed myself.
When it gets bad I stop doing everything. I stop caring about everything. I want to stop living, and not just the biological fact of life but also the process of taking part in life. Life is too much and too little all at once. Life is like being wrapped in a sharp cord and being kissed by a rapist. Life is like being offered fruit when you're starving, only to discover the fruit is rotting. Colours are lies placed on the outside of things, because reality is only grey.
It's so hard to hold on. I don't know if I'll ever be normal, and I can't keep going the way I am. As much as it hurts, the pain isn't the worst part. The worst part is when the pain stops. Those days trick me into thinking I'm getting better, when really, I'm becoming a little more dead inside. The pain isn't the only thing I stop feeling. Everything stops, the sadness, the guilt, the fear, even the overwhelming sense that I'm a burden. It's like a life without consequences, because I don't care what happens. The trouble is, there never are any consequences. Nothing happens that allows me to say "This is why I can't keep trying any more."
When my feelings come back, I get so scared. What scares me the most is that thought this will all go away some day, because what can go away can also come back. So long as I keep myself used to it, I can make myself forget there is an alternative. The thought of facing it again when I'm not used to it is too much, because I know how much I can endure before apathy finally sets in. The answer to "how much" is "too much". I've reached that breaking point again and again. That doesn't make the cycle any easier.
When it gets that bad I listen to you. Your voice drowns out the emptiness inside me. I don't tell people it is there. I don't tell people what "it" means. There is no one would will listen. There is no one who will look me in the eye and say "depression" for me because I'm too tired to speak for myself. You are there, and you say "it" in your songs, not in words, but in meanings like I do. Even in ways that you are like me, you are more than me, because saying "it" isn't an ending for you. You have so much more to say. The world is grey, but you remain a colour.
It's too soon to add a period. Even if I never find anything new to say, even if everything else has ended, it's worth going on to watch you remain.
I suppose I only wrote to say:
Thank you for existing.
After reading the letter, Miku wrote one back.
Thank you for listening to my songs. You are so much more than the reason why I sing. You are the reason I exist. Whatever songs you write, I will always be here to sing them for you.
XXXXXXXXXX
Author's Note: Dedicated to all performers of songs and acts, all writers of music, stories, and letters. Thank you. You don't know the difference you make.
