Regina lay on her queen-sized bed holding the phone to her ear.
"Gret-chen. I saw you wearing hoop earrings today. You know they're my thing."
Regina hung up. A knock came to the door.
"Regina? I made some toast for dinner but there was a small fire so the firefighters had to show up."
"OK, Mom!"
"He's taking his shirt off so it's totally legit. Do you want him to check your room?"
"I'm fine, Mom!"
Regina tucked up in bed and grabbed the remote and the TV flashed opposite.
A knock came to the door.
"What, Mom?"
"It's Kylie!"
"Go away! I'm watching The Oh-Sea! "
Regina lay back on her pillows. She uncapped a sleeping pill and chucked it back with some chocolate milk. The filler pre-intro scene began to play.
"I wish I lived in California. I'd be so hot. I could do anything I liked… not like here."
Kylie's music video played from her room. Their mom's laughter echoed from downstairs. Regina started snoring. The intro theme music began to play.
Regina hack-coughed and blinked.
" God . My tongue feels awful. If only Mom let me drink in the house… "
Regina rubbed her head and pushed aside the covers. She set her toes onto the carpet and glanced down.
"This isn't - "
Regina glanced up.
"Where am I?"
Regina froze on her bed.
"Ohhhh my god. Don't tell me. Don't tell me!"
Regina covered her mouth. She went to the window.
"Oh my god! Shut up !"
Regina squealed and went to the mirror.
"Thank god I still look like me."
Regina saw a walk-in closet and pulled out a pink pleated skirt, a white top and pink heels.
"Ohhhh my god, Gretchen is gunna be so jealous."
Regina peeked out of her bedroom. She glanced both ways down the hallway. A maid with dark hair clutching laundry jumped as Regina stepped out.
"Oh my god. I know your name - I know your name… "
"Rosa."
"Yes! I need to know - um - do I smell breakfast?"
Regina rushed past and into the kitchen. Kirsten was handing out bagels. Sandy was buttering one with a knife.
"Well hello, deep sleeper!"
Kirsten smiled.
"Hello, honey. We thought you'd miss school."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"Well, it sucks - but Orange County is so much better."
Kirsten and Sandy frowned at each other. Regina stole a bagel.
"OK, so who's dropping me?"
Seth clambered downstairs.
"Hey, hi, hello, sister."
"You're joking."
"Rarely and often. Are those bagels for me?"
"I have to have Seth the nerd freak for a brother?"
Sandy cleared his throat.
"Regina, we've been over this. We had a debate at Chrissmukkah and Seth won."
Regina scowled.
"But I win everything."
Seth drum rolled on the counter.
"Not in this family - ba dum tss!"
Regina sat shotgun in the car. Seth sat in the back seat tapping his legs to a Walkman while Sandy parked in the lot.
"There you are, kids! With any luck you'll graduate today."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"It's weird having normal parents."
Regina squinted and walked into Harbor High School.
"God, the guys are preppy. They don't even look at me. And the other girls - what are they wearing - it's like out of Kylie's dance videos. It looked better on screen."
Regina glanced down at her clothing and up at a pair of girls.
"Oh my god. I'm the odd one out."
The girls turned.
"Oh my gawd . Marissa! Summer!"
Regina waved.
"It's your neighbor! Regina G - I mean - Cohen!"
Marissa jumped into a bush. Summer went into one of her anger blackouts and stormed off. Seth skated past on his skateboard. The bell rang.
"OK, so I'm not completely crazy - but I totally miss Gretch and that other skank."
Sandy parked the car. Seth leapt out of the front passenger with his comic books. Regina got out of the back seat.
"God, I could use a sleeping pill."
She went into the house and saw Kirsten in the kitchen. Something was bubbling and an architectural map was on the island counter. Seth came in.
"Oh, Mom. You can't cook!"
Kirsten held up a spatula.
"Sethula Jewish-Middle-Name Cohen!"
Sandy came in and his shoulders began shaking.
"Oh, no, honey. Just no."
Regina fumed.
"You're like, a regular family and everything. You like love each other."
She met all their stares. Regina stamped her foot.
"God!"
Regina sat by the pool until dusk fell. She ate from a Chinese takeout and arched her arm back, then stopped and went all the way into the kitchen to step on the pedal bin.
"It's too perfect here. It's too sunny. My life's not chaotic enough."
Regina saw a pair of headlights light the drive. She went to shower and change for bed, tying the cord on pink-crosshatch pajama pants. She lay in bed and tossed and turned.
"Oh my gawd - "
Regina threw her pillow across the room. She stomped through the house and went outside to sit by the pool in her pajamas. She watched the crescent moon rise.
"What's wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy?"
Regina cried and saw a light go on in the house. She bolted up and glanced around and saw the pool house. She went in and closed the door and sat on the futon.
"God, this is much better - "
A light flicked on. Regina froze.
"Oh my god, we're being robbed."
Regina glanced up and saw a guy. She looked him up and down.
"No way. You're wearing a wife beater and everything."
"Uh, I'm Ryan."
"Shut up, I know who you are, I'm not retarded."
Ryan gestured.
"Are you OK?"
Regina froze, then turned her back on him. Her shoulders began heaving.
"Oh - it's just - I'm so lonely."
Ryan scratched his neck.
"Uh… "
Regina covered her face with her hands and Ryan sat on the futon.
"Hey, I'm from Chino. Can't get as worse as that."
Regina continued to sob, paused, peeked through her fingers, covered her face, continued sobbing.
"Oh - I'm just so out of my element."
"Really?"
Regina turned, all fury.
"Yes, really!"
Regina stared, and crumpled.
"Oh - ho - oh… "
Ryan reached for a comic book on the bed. Regina turned and leapt on him.
"Oh, you're so kind to - to - "
"Um, this is - won't you get in trouble?"
Regina held back.
"Oh, no. I mean, you're like twenty-five right?"
"Uh, no, I'm eighteen."
Regina laughed.
"Sure. So am I."
Regina stood and Ryan stood, and then Regina turned and pushed Ryan onto the futon. He landed on his back, and Regina unbuttoned her pajama top.
"God, forget Shane Oman."
Ryan stared.
"Uh, are you sure you want to do this?"
"Oh, please. Do I look like this is my first time? I'm half a virgin."
"Can you be half?"
Regina smirked, and leapt. Ryan scrambled out of the way and Regina hit her head on the frame.
"Ow - ow… "
Regina glanced up, and saw a shirtless fireman in her bedroom, her mom dancing with a martini in her hand, and Kylie dancing to the TV.
"Look, Regina!" Kylie pointed. "It's when Ryan meets 'Rissa!"
"Motherf - "
Regina closed her eyes and screamed.
