Author's note: So this is a new one-shot I've been working on for a while now that I finally got finished!

Please note! This fic contains sensative subject matter than some people may find trigger. For more information or if you are unsure about continuing please check the end notes for more details and TW's.

XX

Rain thundered down against the windows of the blue dorm in an outraged torrent. Sheets of frigid water cascaded down the big thick glass of the windows. Outside is dull, grey mono-tonal, much like how Jim himself was feeling today. It was just turning out to be one of those days. He'd woken up and just lay there, he felt tired and just didn't feel like getting up. There was no good reason for him to be tired, he just was. Karen had eventually put a stop to that nudging him until he fell out the side of the bed, ending up on the floor in a heap. The scene had caused O'Brien to raise a brow and shake his head. Karen was hungry and that was the end of that.

That's what the rest of the morning had consisted of, feeding Karen and then themselves. It was a quiet breakfast, the pair and crocodile sitting in a small corner of the blue dorms cafeteria neither saying much but that was ok. Presence was enough.

Jim sighed gazing back out the window of his room. Gushes and streams of water flood the grassy areas surrounding the blue dorm draining into the lack. The rain turned the concrete structures a dark charcoal colour and the grass a brown-sludge, the mud loosening underneath.

It sent an annoying shiver of displeasure down his spine. If there was something Jim would admit he wasn't fond of, it was the rain.

He hoped it stopped before they had to leave, he'd rather not get soaked.

Jim turned to stare at O'Brien lying on his back arms folded behind his head staring blankly up at the ceiling. He'd moved into Jim's room since their return. Not that Jim minded, he was actually glad it meant the other didn't have to worry about being alone. The effects of the dark world had shaken everybody, some more so than others.

Jim found it was getting easier to cope but the nightmares were still too frequently to be healthy. Despite his strong front, O'Brien was still struggling, despite his attempts to be quiet Jim had heard him get up last night and hide in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Neither had brought it up and he was certain O'Brien thought Jim was unaware of the incident.

Jim yawned running his hand through his hair, his hat lay discarded on the far dresser.

It wasn't uncommon for them to relax in silence. But the air was palpable today the tension was there. Neither had addressed the elephant in the room, but it was weighing on their minds nonetheless.

It's almost time for the meeting anyway.

"What time is it now?" O'Brien asked turning his head.

"Just coming up to one now" Jim replied glancing at his watch.

"It's at two right?"

"Yes," Jim nodded, knowing full well O'Brien knew exactly what time it was at, when and where it was. They both did. It had been consciously playing on their minds since the message had been received about the meeting four days ago.

Samejima had requested a meeting in his office for all the remaining transfer students.

It was to be expected, they all subconsciously knew it was coming. And he already had a pretty good feeling about what the meeting is going to be about. In fact, he'd put money on it.

Jim took once last glance out the window the rain has eased into a light drizzle.

"Come on we better start heading before the rain starts again" Jim declared.

"Is it not a bit early?"

"Yes but might as well get it over with" Jim sighed fixing his hat. "Can't avoid it forever."

O'Brien mimicked his sigh sitting up and staring down at his army boots nodding silently.

"Besides we'll pick Johan up on the way" Jim continued.

"If we can find him" O'Brien pointed out.

"Come on Johan's not that hard to find."

"Really then tell me how much of him you've seen lately."

Jim bit his lip, "Touché." It was true ever since Johan had been discharged last week there'd barely been sight nor sound of him. Johan now regularly takes to hiding out in his room, sometimes coming out when Jim and O'Brien dragged him out for food. Most of the time however he'd be gone, nowhere to be found and if there was one thing Johan was good at, it was not being found when he didn't want to be.

"Look we should still try to find him and bring him with us" Jim insisted.

"I agree" O'Brien nodded. "Because I doubt he'll come otherwise."

"I doubt any of us would."

XX

About a few minutes later they'd made it to the end of the hallway to Johan's room. Given the terrible weather outside there weren't many places Johan could be other than his room.

Jim rapped his knuckles on the door of Johan's room, the sound echoing down the dim lavishly furnished hallways.

No answer.

Jim looked at O'Brien who sighed and knocked again, louder and sharper this time. "Johan?"

Jim sighed raising his fist to bang on the door again. "Johan it's Jim and O'Brien."

"Johan we know you're in there" O'Brien called. "Let us in."

Again no answer.

"Johan we know you're in there" Jim insisted rapping his knuckles again. "Open the door."

O'Brien shook his head crouching down and pulled a thin wire from the top pocket of his vest. Bent the wire in a certain way and stuck it in the keyhole.

"Do you not think Johan would be a bit annoyed at us breaking into his room?" Jim asked casually watching O'Brien work.

"Well if he didn't want us to break in then he should've just answered the door" O'Brien retorted.

He jiggled the wire around a little more and the door opened with a click.

Jim grabbed the handle pushing the door open quietly. "Johan?"

The pair stepped inside. The room was almost in darkness, lights off, curtains closed the only light source coming from the small desk lamp that had been left on.

Jim scrunched his nose up at the smell, unable to place exactly what the smell was but it wasn't pleasant.

Johan was nowhere to be seen, even when their eyes adjusted to the poor lighting there was no sign of him anywhere. Nothing on the couches. The bed was empty and bare, half the pillows and blankets missing. And the bathroom was in complete darkness the door wide open.

"Johan?" Jim called cautiously.

"I don't see anybody" O'Brien remarked flicking on the light switch.

"Same maybe he's already gone on ahead without- oh shit Johan!" Jim cursed spotting a teal tuft sticking out on the floor behind the couch.

He broke into a sprint, rushing over. Jim sighed in relief to find Johan had just curled up in the beds missing blankets on the floor, it didn't look like he'd collapsed or fainted as Jim had originally feared.

"Crap what happened is he alright?!" O'Brien echoed behind him.

"I think so?" Jim responded nodding to O'Brien. "Think he's just sleeping?" he noted observing the fellow transfer.

"On the floor?" O'Brien quizzed sceptically looking over Jim's shoulder to spot Johan's blanket obscured form huddled up in a shapeless heap in between the back of his room's couch and the heater.

"Uh-huh," Jim nodded. "Johan? Hey, Johan wake up."

Johan was barely visible beneath the mass of blankets only the top of his head sticking out from his makeshift cocoon.

O'Brien narrowed his eyes observing sharpy. The lump that was Johan rose and fell with respiration. But it was uneven and too quick for his liking.

"Johan, time to wake up" Jim called again crouching down and shaking his shoulder. "Hey come on." This time he pulled the blankets down a little.

He swallowed thickly and heard O'Brien gasp behind him taking in the other's appearance. Johan's skin was sallow and clammy-looking, beads of perspiration decorating his brow. His tangled teal hair clung to the moisture on his face, bangs falling over his shadowed, red-lidded eyes like a veil. The obvious flush of his cheeks was the only thing sticking out against the impossible pallor of the rest of his face.

The stale smell of the room invaded Jim's senses again as he pieced it together. The underlying stench of sweat and vomit as he finally unravelled was the stench was. Illness.

"Hey" O'Brien called loudly, "wake up, Johan."

Johan shifted, groaning. His brow knitting as he huddled further into the blankets and the heater.

"Come on" Jim continued shaking his shoulders roughly upon getting no response.

Johan visibly stirred this time his eyelids fluttering as he opened his eyes with a groan. He turned onto his back blinking up a the ceiling in a daze. He jumped slightly, more alert gazing at the hand that had appeared on his forehead.

"Crikey mate you're burning up!" Jim exclaimed retracting his hand.

O'Brien moved beside him leaning forward and pressing the back of his hand to Johan's brow like Jim had and felt his stomach lurch with anxiety. It wasn't a little small fever that they all got with a cold or the likes from time to time. No, Jim was right Johan was burning up. His skin was on fire like a furnace radiating unhealthy heat.

Johan raised his gaze to stare at them sluggishly. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, clouded over from the fever. "…Jim?...O'Brien?...Where did you guys…"

"We came to pick you up for the Chancellors meeting but forget about that."

"Yeah come on we're taking you to the infirmary" O'Brien declared flippantly. He was taken aback to hear Johan's voice so weak and thin, crackling from between his chapped lips.

"I-Infirmary? Who, what, why" Johan whispered anxiously, suddenly a lot more alert.

"You" O'Brien emphasised. "You're sick so we're taking you to the infirmary."

"Not that sick…" Johan mumbled nestling his head back into his pillow.

"Mate you're on fire, that's one hell of a fever" Jim insisted.

"..M'fine it's nothing don't need to fuss."

"Nice try" Jim countered crossing his arms. "But seriously come on we're going to the nurse."

"No."

"Johan we're taking you to the infirmary now" O'Brien pressed.

"I'm not going anywhere. Just leave me alone. I don't need the nurse I can take care of myself" Johan rasped closing his eyes again and curling up into a tighter ball beneath his blankets.

Jim and O'Brien turned to each with a look of disbelief.

"But Johan-"

"Well from the looks of things I don't think you can take care of yourself" O'Brien declared harshly reaching over and grabbing the hem of the blankets pulling them off of Johan in one swift motion. If he wanted to be stubborn so be it, two could play at that game.

"Hey" Johan cursed whimpering and shivering at the loss of warmth as the cool air enveloped him. He tried to pull the blankets back up but O'Brien snatched them away before he could do so, tossing them over the back of the couch.

Johan grunted making a half-hearted attempt to sit up, before falling back into his makeshift bed again, defeated.

Jim blinked slowly. That… was a little worrisome… Jim has honestly expected Johan to express a little more anger or indignity at having his blankets ripped away. But no he'd already given up.

"What the hell! Why would you do that" Johan demanded gratingly, curling up and wrapping his arms around himself as he shivered. He was wearing an old brown North Academy hoodie over a simple pair of white pyjamas, in an obvious attempt to gain a little extra warmth. "I'm cold."

"That's because you have a fever," O'Brien told him in a condescending drawl.

"Give me my blankets back I'm cold!"

"Are you even listening?! You've got a really high fever Johan and bundling up like that is just going to make it worse" O'Brien argued.

"Give me my blankets!"

"No."

Johan turned his head muttering something in his native tongue that sounded like an insult and O'Brien scoffed but other than that choose to ignore it.

"Easy fellas" Jim intervened keeping the peace. "Let's just take it easy. Right Johan have you had any of this today" he asked pointing to the half-filled glass beside the water jug atop the desk beside them.

"Huh?"

"Water" O'Brien explained. "How much have you had today?"

"….None…"

"None!" Jim repeated alarmed. "None, as in all day you've had none."

"Y-yeah… I can't… can't keep it down…" Johan admitted softly.

"You can't even keep down water" O'Brien reiterated with a frown.

Johan shook his head, his eyes were closed again. Again Jim felt the pang of worry intensify. He reached up grabbing the glass off the desk.

"We'll have the fix that then. Come on, sit up" Jim commanded holding out the water that he had full intention of forcing Johan to drink.

Johan cracked his eyes open a little before letting them fall shut again. "No."

"Would you stop being so stubborn-" O'Brien groaned.

"I'm not. I-I'll just throw it up.."

"You still have to drink it mate. We've got to get something into your system" Jim insisted shoving the glass back into Johan's face. "So sit up."

"W-why are you guys even here?" Johan groaned pitifully, pushing himself kind of upright with some difficulty. He swayed for a moment, knuckling his eyes and then raising them back to the two in front of him. "This is my room and… and… I-I told you guys to go."

"The Chancellors meeting was today" Jim answered. "In Samejima's office with our schools. I'm sure you got the message."

Johan titled his head slightly, blinking as he tried to think. Realisation dawned on his face. "Oh."

"Yeah oh," O'Brien effused.

"Was that today?"

"Yes, it was" Jim nodded. "We are here because we came to pick you up before the meeting so we could all go together."

"Yeah, but we knocked on your door and called and you weren't answering" O'Brien continued.

"…Must've forgotten to lock it…" Johan mumbled.

O'Brien and Jim looked at each other neither bothering to correct him.

"And then we came in here and found you asleep on the floor" Jim finished pressing the glass of water into Johan's two hands. "Which I assume was to be closer to the heater for warmth."

Johan looked down at the glass cautiously with a little nod but made no move to drink any of it.

"And now we're trying to take care of you" O'Brien continued. "Because we found you ill on the floor and you won't go to the infirmary."

"..Not that sick... I don't need the nurse or the infirmary… J-just a cold… It'll be better by tomorrow or something… probably…" Johan mumbled although Jim could tell he didn't sound entirely certain.

"Johan how long have you been sick" Jim pressed gently.

"…."

"Johan please."

"…I don't know.. a day or two I think… maybe.."

"Ok" Jim nodded making a mental note. Not good. "Drink some water."

Johan regarded them both for a moment before questioning.

"Why do you guys even care?" His tone was a little harsh and guarded but mostly sombre.

"Why do we care…" Jim whispered confused. "Why do we care… Do you mean about you?!"

Johan nodded his head slightly.

"Johan of course we care about you" O'Brien insisted taken aback. "Why would you even question…"

Johan looked down remaining silent.

"Johan you're our friend" Jim affirmed. "Of course, we care about you and we're worried about you like it or not. And that's what friends do when one of their friends is in trouble, we try to help them."

"But why would you or anybody else want to help me.." Johan responded brokenly.

"Sussh" O'Brien coaxed deeply disturbed by the words coming out of Johan's mouth. "It's alright just drink some water. Please."

Johan looked at the glass doubtfully. "Will you stop bugging me about the nurse if I do?"

"Nope," Jim clicked his tongue shaking his head.

Johan sighed pouting slightly, raising the glass to take a tiny hesitant sip before lowering the glass back down.

"Oh, no more than that" O'Brien accused pointedly.

"A lot more than that" Jim agreed.

Johan slumped sighing again chewing his lip as he stared down at the glass contemplating.

"Here I'll help" O'Brien decided taking the glass from Johan's grasp and bringing it to his unsuspecting lips. "Drink" he commanded tipping the glass back.

Johan's eyes widened in surprise as the liquid poured into his mouth, swallowing reflexively. Then he choked spluttering on the liquid as it almost went down the wrong pipe. He pushed the glass away spilling the remanent, coughing and spluttering into his elbow, banging his chest with his fist and eventually managing to keep it all down.

Johan felt strong hands on his shoulder and looked up to see Jim holding him steady as he panted trying to catch his breath.

"You alright mate?" Jim asked concerned.

"Yeah" Johan smiled weakly. "Just went down the wrong way."

"Well, it probably would've been a lot easier if you had just drank the water yourself in the first place" O'Brien chimed in.

"Well I wasn't really given much choice" Johan countered.

"Look you've gotten some water into ya that's all that matters" Jim defended raising his hands.

Johan nodded slightly. "I guess my throat feels a little better from it."

"Good" Jim nodded a little more satisfied.

They all fell silent for a moment or so they only sound the pelting raindrops on the windows thundering down from above.

Johan spoke. "What do you think the Chancellors want to talk to us about?..." He folded his arms resting his head on his knees.

"I'm don't know" Jim started tentatively, it was a half-truth at best. He knew exactly what this meeting was going to be about.

"Yes you do" O'Brien sighed clicking his tongue. "We all do."

"…The want to send us back.." Johan whispered quietly,

Of course. Why wouldn't the school want their students back after everything that had happened. There was the bio band incident at the start of the year in which the three of them and Amon had been caught up in, all four of them falling victim to the band's adverse effects at one point or another. Then the whole academy had disappeared into another dimension which caused major alarm and when the academy had finally returned Johan and Amon hadn't. Swiftly after that more students including the remaining transfers had disappeared once again for weeks. If Jim was honest he was surprised that the other schools hadn't held a meeting or demanded their students back before now.

"Can you blame them" O'Brien responded. "We all got lost in another dimension and went missing. Some more so than others" he explained flashing Johan a quick look who silently hung his head.

"It was a massive mess alright" Jim agreed. "All that dimension hopping and whatnot."

"Yeah I don't remember reading about that on the brochures" Johan quipped.

Jim chuckled lightly. "That's what we get for not reading the fine print."

"They don't even know the half of it" O'Brien gritted his shoulders tense. "What we all went through… and they're probably going to try and make us leave.."

"They can't" Johan stressed shaking his head. "They can't make us leave… not yet at least…"

"We'll just have to stick to our guns and stand firm" Jim concluded. "We're going to stick together on this right fellas?"

"Yes," O'Brien nodded in determination. "I'm not ready to leave let, we've still got business here."

"Meeting will have to be postponed anyway" Jim pointed out. "Especially when none of us shows up."

"Uh-huh," O'Brien agreed. "We've good reason, of course, you're way too sick to go to any meeting and we're not going to leave you alone like this."

"We can explain when Samejima comes looking for us" Jim shrugged. "Right Johan?"

O'Brien looked over, Johan was conspicuously quiet. "Johan?"

Jim raised a brow. "Johan? You alright?"

"Woah hey!" Jim cried grabbing Johan's shoulders to keep him upright as he slumped forward. "Johan!" he called shaking the latter's shoulders but he seemed to be in a trance eyes blank staring unblinkingly downwards.

"Shit. Hey, Johan you with us" O'Brien cursed snapping his fingers in front of the tealettes face hoping to elicit some sort of response.

"Mate come on snap out of it" Jim tried again gently slapping the side of his hand against Johan's cheek.

Johan's head snapped up suddenly his gaze darting between the two. "Huh, w-what?" he stuttered his mouth opening and closing like a fish. His expression a little strained and very confused.

"You alright?" Jim asked again. "You went into a sort of trance there for a moment."

"…Oh…" was all that Johan mustered after a pause, looking completely and genuinely lost.

Jim's worry spiked once again, his jaw set in resolution. There was no way that either of them was leaving here without bringing Johan to the infirmary or getting him looked at. He was struggling to stay alert and his fever was most concerning.

O'Brien was a lot less patient. "That's it we're going to the infirmary now! And I don't want to hear any excuses. Get up."

"No…said I don't wanna…" Johan mumbled rubbing his eyes, looking around still seeming very lost.

"Oh, I love the way you think we're giving you a choice" O'Brien retorted. "We're telling you you're going, we're not asking anymore."

"O'Brien's right Johan" Jim continued. "You need to go to the infirmary and get looked at." Jim hypothesised that the pair of them must've sounded like a long-playing record at this point.

Johan shook his head. "..Dizzy…just…just need…to lie down.." He leaned sideways lowering himself back down into his makeshift bed. Flipping himself over and curling himself into a ball with his back turned to the two of them.

O'Brien threw his hands up in exasperation looking to Jim for help.

Jim shrugged rubbing his forehead. Thinking as he listened to the slow tapping on rain against the window. It sounded as if the rain was starting to let up again.

"Johan what's wrong" Jim pleaded into the thick silence of the room. "Why won't you go to the infirmary? Come on this isn't like you."

O'Brien nodded.

Johan gave no response other than to curl up into himself further.

Jim worked his jaw. This wasn't like Johan, he certainly wasn't acting like himself and there was more to do with it than just the fever. There had to be something, some reason behind his insistence not to go, to not get help when he so obviously needed it.

"Are you scared of the infirmary or something? Scared of needles? Of Doctors?" O'Brien supplied trying to harvest some sort of reasoning or response but getting none.

No none of those Jim reasoned, it's not that. Johan was no stranger to the Duel Academia infirmary, he'd certainly had his fair share of admittance, especially at the start of the year falling victim to more than one fainting spell courtesy of the whole bio band fiasco. And more recently he'd just been discharged a couple of days ago from his post dark world stay. To Jim's current knowledge he couldn't recall any fears Johan had with the infirmary or doctors unless he'd recently developed a new one… but if not then why… why the unexplained irrational refusal to go when he's so clearly ill?

"Wait you're hiding something" Jim realised aloud. "But…. What?"

Johan stiffened but remained silent.

"What could you possibly be hiding…?" Jim continued, the gears turning in his head as he struggled to come up with something, anything that could account for Johan's strange behaviour.

"Johan you can talk to us if you need to" O'Brien coaxed raising an eyebrow at Jim's accusation. "Help us understand what's going on."

"No…y-you wouldn't… wouldn't understand…" Johan whispered his voice quiet and distant.

"What wouldn't we understand?" O'Brien pressed.

Johan gasped inhaling sharply realising his mistake. "N-Nothing. It's nothing" he exclaimed hurriedly tripping over his words trying to cover his slip up. "I-I'm just really tired and stuff. I'm confused and I-I don't know what I'm saying…"

O'Brien worked his jaw praying for patience. At this point, he was tempted to knock Johan out and then drag him forcefully to the infirmary or to pick him up and shake him until he told them what was wrong.

Johan pushed himself up back into sitting turning to face them. "It's nothing," he said panting slightly from the effort.

"But Johan…" Jim trailed raising a brow as Johan pushed himself shakily into a crouch before standing up leaning heavily onto the wall and desk for support.

"Wait where are you going?!" Jim gasped watching Johan take a few very unsteady steps forward.

"W-we're going to be late for the meeting" Johan panted clutching his head as a wave of dizziness hit him.

"You're not going to any meeting in your condition" O'Brien countered.

"Hey Johan wait." Jim tried, grabbing onto Johan's wrist to halt his advance. "Sit back-"

Johan fell to his knees in a scream of pain at the action clutching his arms close to his chest. Biting his lip trying to stop the whimpers of pain.

"What the…" Jim breathed staring blankly at his own hand in puzzlement.

"Hey, Johan what's wrong are you hurt?!" O'Brien fretted rushing over and kneeling beside him. "What happened?" He coaxed gently placing his hands on Johan's shoulders for support.

Johan sprung up desperately crawling backwards away from any contact. "No stop no don't touch me!"

"Hey it's ok I didn't mean to startle you" O'Brien apologised holding up his hands.

Johan just crawled back further until he was stopped by the wall, panting heavily and curling his arms and legs in on himself cowering in fear.

Jim could see the helplessness in O'Brien's face at the look he gave him. Jim was sure his face was similar trying to wrap his head around what to do.

"Look Johan I'm sorry" Jim started edging a little closer to the tealette. "I didn't mean to-"

"No stop don't come any closer!"

"Alright" Jim nodded swallowing thickly and stopping his advance. "I'm just staying here alright but I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you before."

O'Brien narrowed his eyes as Johan's position it looked like he was trying to protect… "So Johan what's wrong with your arm?"

"What! No nothing! Nothing's wrong my arm is fine!"

"You cried out in pain when Jim grabbed it a minute ago and you're completely guarding your left arm now. So that's bullshit" O'Brien bellowed.

Johan whimpered holding his arm closer to his chest. "I-I just banged it e-earlier off the railing in the shower."

"Then let us have a look" Jim requested. "It's must've been a bad bang."

"N-No."

"I'm done" O'Brien snapped grabbing Johan's roughing by the shoulders trying to wrangle his arm from his grasp.

"Hey stop no get off me" Johan cried trying to resist.

"Jim help" O'Brien commanded trying to keep his grip on the squirming captive.

Jim joined in trying to successful wrench Johan's arm from his chest.

"Jim stop please no" Johan begged and Jim felt a stab of guilt but it was completely drowned out by the fact that Johan was scaring the crap out of him.

Jim succeeded, Johan crying out in pain as Jim's finger closed around his wrist, his already ghostly pale complexion blanching even further in pain. Johan continued to struggle but O'Brien held him firmly as Jim pushed the sleeve of the old hoody up to reveal a white loosely wrapped bandage.

"…What is this" Jim said tightly, his insides currently torn between worry and anger.

"I-I told you. I-I just banged it in the shower…" Johan stammered his tone, however, spoke otherwise. He was afraid. Johan tried to pull his arm from Jim's grasp once more but Jim held on jerking it back towards him eliciting another cry of pain from Johan.

Jim wasted no time snatching the corner of the bandage, ripping it off in one swift motion.

A wave of silence rolled into the room thickening the air with something so awful that Jim had to hold his breath, staring down speechless. Whatever anger Jim had felt before evaporated but the fear remained, it remained and intensified tripling tenfold until Jim honestly thought he might vomit from it. The revelation was… it was worse than any of the thoughts ideas solutions that had whizzed around his mind at full, half-panicked speed for the past few minutes or so.

The was a long very distinct gash running diagonally across the surface on Johan's pale wrist.

Everything, all the thoughts, ideas, words, dry comments that Jim had… all of it was suddenly gone from his mind, leaving behind a cold, unsettling buzzing and Jim in all his wisdom genuinely had no idea what to say. He was struck utterly mute by the entirely unexpected revelation.

Jim couldn't pry his eyes from the wound. His heart so sick and he lacked the courage to even look up at the helpless boy on the floor in front of him. But maybe… maybe there was a reasonable explanation for all of this. It could just be his fretting mind jumping to conclusions. Maybe it wasn't what it looked like…. Please don't let it be what it looks like. Maybe Johan did bang it in the shower, caught it off a jagged edge of something. It was entirely plausible because surely… surely Johan wouldn't…. wouldn't…

"There," Johan whispered a horrified shamed kind of venom in his voice burning his word's into Jim's flesh like acid. "Are you happy now?"

Jim's throat bobbed, he could just about see O'Brien's hands grasping together, shaking in his periphery. Jim finally looked up, finally looked up but his words still failed him. Everything he could think of or tried to say fell empty on his tongue.

"Say something!" Johan screamed his voice breaking. "Just say something! Just yell at me! Scream at me! Tell me that you hate me! And that you wish you never went back for me! And tell me how disappointed you are! And how worthless and stupid you think I am for even thinking about hurting myself! Say it! Say it I know you want to!"

Johan's eyes were desperate, frightened green orbs practically glowing in the lamplight. He was humiliated and he was scared and he was so desperately sad that he trembled with grief. And.. he was crying? Oh no, no he was crying. Jim placed one hand on O'Brien's leg gripping it for support. This had actually happened. This was real…

Johan had slit his own wrist.

Jim absorbed that for a moment. He tore his gaze from Johan, unable to bring himself to witness the defeated helpless tears that were birthing themselves from his lids. Jim edged ever so slightly forward and Johan shielded himself away further flinching and preparing as if he expected Jim or O'Brien to hit him or explode in rage.

A dagger impaled Jim's heart at the thought. But this was.. this was Johan. Johan who dived headfirst into the danger, going after Viper to put an end to his madness. Johan who crossed the desert with them all to get lifesaving medicine, taking on the spirits and dangers they'd encounter out there with assurance and a confident smile. Johan who took charge in the sand dimension rallying the students and making sure everything was in order. Johan who stayed behind and sacrificed himself to make sure everybody else got home. Brave, strong, selfless Johan...

But now here he sat: so broken that Jim- in his wordless, heartbroken shock- didn't even know where all the pieces were.

"…W-Why?" Jim managed to force out after such a long painful nauseating silence.

Johan's hand went to his chest fighting to keep his breathing steady. "I-I… it's not… I-I wasn't... I didn't mean too-"

"Didn't mean to what!" O'Brien shouted recovering from his shock. "Make pretty pictures out of your skin!"

Johan whimpered more tears falling as retracted back but found himself stuck between the wall and desk, curling himself around his injured arm.

"Well!"

"Hey!" Jim yelled placing himself between the two glaring at O'Brien with a strong heated look. "Stop" he commanded his tone authoritative but pleading. Gripping O'Brien's arms strongly trying to make him understand. "You're lashing out because you're confused and scared and I get that" Jim whispered in his ear. "But you can't let Johan see your anger because he can't handle it right now. He can't. And if you can't do that for me then you're going to have to leave."

Time stopped for a few seconds before O'Brien swallowed hard nodding, the tension left his face but Jim could see the fear and worry reflecting in the mercenaries' eyes mirroring his own.

O'Brien moved passed Jim to gently kneeling in front of Johan who tried to recoil away. "Hey I'm sorry" he spoke a soft look on his face. "I'm sorry Johan I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"…I knew you were mad at me…. E-everybody's mad at me…" Johan sobbed burying his face in his arms.

"No I'm not" O'Brien insisted grabbing his shoulders gently but firmly. "Nobody is mad at you. I'm not mad at you. Jim's not mad at you. I'm sorry I yelled. I-I'm very protective of the people I care about I don't like seeing them hurt or in trouble and when they are and I can't protect them it scares me. And I'm not angry at you I was scared and worried and in my frustration, I lashed out and I shouldn't have and I'm sorry."

Johan peaked through his arms with a little nod his eyes shining with tears.

Jim kneeled on the opposite side of O'Brien. "If I may," he asked hesitantly ghosting his hand forward taking Johan's arm again this time much more gently, pulling it closer so he could have a better look at it. It wasn't a pretty sight.

The wound wasn't bleeding much but it had festered and the skin surrounding it was swollen. The gash itself was discoloured with pale pus oozing from it and faint red lines radiated from it like sunrays, a tell-tale sign of infection.

"Johan this looks bad," Jim told him as gently as he could. "We have to take you to the infirmary."

"No, no you can't" Johan pleaded desperately grabbing at Jim's wrist his eyes wide and terrified. "They'll find out what I did. You can't tell them. If they find out, y-you don't know what they'll do to me!"

"Johan-"

"No please, please you can't tell anybody. T-they'll think I'm crazy… a-and if this gets out then everybody will know… and…and…"

"It's not going to get out-" O'Brien started.

"What if they send me away…" Johan's breath hitched as his hands went to his head tugging at his hair. "Oh my god, they're going to send me away. They're going to send me away. They can't. They can't. I can't leave yet. I can't."

"Hey, hey just take a deep breath alright" Jim intervened. "Nobody's going to send you away."

"Uh-huh," O'Brien agreed. "They're not going to send you away."

They're going to send me away. They're going to send me away.

Johan sucked in a deep breath but his chest felt tight, contracted with fear making it impossible to breathe. "Oh no," he whimpered recognising the sensation as a cold sweat burst out across his skin. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no" Johan gasped burying his face in his hands his breath hitching uncontrollably. "No, no, no, not again."

"Johan, Johan you need to calm down" Jim warned his knees coming into the darkened edges of Johan's vision.

"No, no, no please no, it's happening again" Johan wept his breaths a pathetic excuse for breathing, he was hyperventilating now.

"Johan you have to listen to me" Jim commanded reaching out a hand tentatively. "You have to breathe. Just listen to me alright. Take a deep breath in and out."

Johan didn't register Jim's hand staring blankly downwards. Jim's voice was muffled the only sound Johan could hear clearly was the low keening noise coming from his own mouth.

"Susshh it's alright" Jim whispered. "Just close your eyes and focus on your breathing."

Johan tried. He closed his eyes trying to do as Jim asked, blotting out his surroundings. He opened his mouth and tried to breathe but it was like his lungs were broken.

"We're going to count to ten alright" Jim's voice explained again, trying to pull Johan's fingers away from his hair. "Just listen and repeat after me. Can you hear me?"

Johan couldn't speak, couldn't swallow past the knot twisted up in his throat. He managed a trembling nod instead.

"Good alright just repeat after me" Jim instructed speaking calmly and clearly. "One."

"…O-One…"

"Good. Now two."

"….t-t-t-two…"

"Three."

"…."

"Johan three"

"…t-thr.. three…"

"Now four"

"…s-six…"

"No, no four" O'Brien coaxed trying to help.

"Come on four" Jim insisted.

"…e-eight…t-t-t-t-two…. F-f-f-ive…." Johan gasped again trying and shaking his head, outright panting like a dog at this point.

"Four" Jim repeated.

Johan buried his face in his hands again shaking his head. He couldn't do it.

"Four!" Jim insisted struggling to remain calm himself as Johan's breathing only continued to speed up. He listed dangerously to one side and O'Brien took over keeping his grip steady to stop Johan from keeling over.

"Okay, okay it's okay" O'Brien was now speaking in his ear, whispering softly trying to break through the panic overwhelming the tealette. "You know the colours of the rainbow right?"

Johan nodded numbly hacking in another shuddering breath as he fought the salt-sting of tears in his eyes.

"Good alright now can you tell me what they are?"

Johan whimpered again shaking his head.

"You can come on. The colours of the rainbow. What's the first one?"

"…R-red.."

"Yes."

"…t-then o-orange…"

"Keep going."

"a-and yellow…."

"Next."

"G-Green."

"Uh-huh."

"Blue" Johan continued inhaling again but then finally exhaling, the pressure in his chest starting to ease."

"Yes keep going."

"Indigo."

"And the last one."

"Violet" Johan finished managing a proper breath again, breathing in sharply before exhaling.

"Good" O'Brien murmured. "That's good. Okay, go again."

"Red."

"Yes."

"Orange."

"Keep going."

"Yellow."

"Next."

"Green."

Jim stood up sighing, it seemed O'Brien had the situation under control. He stood up heading for the bathroom, closing the door behind him as he leaned against it heavily.

Jim sighed running his hands through his hair taking a moment to breathe himself. He blinked for a moment looking at his reflection in the mirror. What a mess.

Jim shuddered bracing himself over the sink. Taking a moment to compose himself. Right Jim focus, he told himself splashing his face with some cold water. Keep it together. You can deal with yourself later, for now just keep it together.

The water was cool and refreshing, he looked at his reflection in the mirror once again giving himself an assured nod.

He knelt rummaging through the presses under the sink before pulling out a small first aid kit. It'll do, he reasoned.

The room was silent as Jim exited the bathroom. O'Brien had now moved to sit next to Johan whose head was lying on his shoulder, eyes closed. It seemed O'Brien's colour trick had worked.

O'Brien looked at Jim as knelt in front of them but didn't say anything. Jim placed the first aid kit on the ground opening it with a click and rummaging around for what he needed.

"You doing a bit better now mate?" Jim asked placing his hand on Johan's knee giving it a gentle squeeze.

Johan nodded but didn't open his eyes, his head still resting on O'Brien's shoulder.

"I've got a first aid kit here. Is it alright if I clean your arm up a little bit?" Jim requested.

Johan still kept his eyes close but extended his injured arm out for Jim.

Jim took it tentatively grabbing the antiseptic wipes and setting to work. Johan barely twitched as he started cleaning the cut.

"How did you know?" Johan whispered almost inaudibly.

"Know what?"

"How'd you know what to do?" he replied lifting his head to address O'Brien.

O'Brien looked down and sighed. "Because I get them too" he explained. "Since… well since we got back... sometimes they just…yeah.."

Jim bit his lip but said nothing.

"I hate them" O'Brien shrugged. "Counting and listing things helps most of the time I find."

"I hate them too" Johan breathed. "..and.. they just keep happening.."

"Last night" Jim murmured pausing to look O'Brien straight in the eye.

"Yes," O'Brien admitted.

The room fell back into silence.

Jim grabbed another wipe grimacing as he poked at the swollen flesh. "Johan" he stared causing the tealette to look up, he nodded with his head indicating to Johan's arm. "Why?"

Johan dropped his gaze and stared at the floor. A thick tangible silence hung in the room.

"Johan please."

"I-I wasn't…I wasn't trying to… you know... off myse-"

"We know" O'Brien interrupted swallowing hard. "We know."

"I-I wouldn't... I wouldn't… not after everyone tried so hard to get me back…"

"Hmmm," Jim nodded.

"It's just… I-I just…" Johan took a deep breath trying to compose himself. "When I stayed behind… Yubel t-they were mad.. said I interfered where I shouldn't have and that I needed to pay…"

"I assume they made good on their word" O'Brien whispered tightly.

"Oh yeah" Johan chuckled darkly. "yeah… it went on for a while…everything... I'm not sure how long… but then… I don't know if it was part of their plan… or if they were b-bored of me or I was just annoying… but then t-they… they…" Johan's hand went to his mouth trembling against his lips at the memory.

O'Brien put a comforting arm around his shoulder tightening his hold as Johan leaned into him.

"They ripped my soul out of my body" Johan whispered, his eyes wide as if he was reliving the very moment. "It hurt so much…"

Jim shook his head solemnly, tenderly tying the wrapping of the fresh bandages.

"I was trapped in this void.. of nothing. There was nothing… I couldn't, couldn't do anything, feel anything, just floating in emptiness… I-I couldn't feel anything… and I want to sleep" Johan choked his eyes watering. "And I'm so tired and I just want to sleep but I can't… I can't because when I do and I close my eyes I'm back there… in the nothing and I can't feel anything again. And I can't go back there, I don't want to go back there" he shuddered. "But when I close my eyes I'm back there and I just want to sleep but I can't. And my family… I can't feel my family and where I usually can now…now… It's… it's just an empty void in my head and I can't feel them. And it's wrong it's all wrong, I can't feel them and I can always feel them, they're always there and now they're not. There's just this empty pit in my head where they should be and I can't sleep. I try but then I feel nothing again constantly and I just wanted to feel something" he sobbed his voice wet with tears.

…even if that something was pain.." O'Brien murmured.

"A-and everybody's mad at me" Johan sniffled the tears freely flowing down his cheeks. "Because it's my fault… I hurt everybody… you guys had to go back there to get me a-and… n-now…"

"…."

"You all go hurt because of me… and everybody's missing because of me… Judai's gone and my family… and I hurt so many people…"

"Johan that's wasn't your fault" Jim insisted holding his shoulders. " You didn't do any of that."

"But I did… I killed people Jim… Yubel they… the villages and civilians.. they're dead… and my family's missing, Judai's missing and-and I-I-I I killed Ryo… I just killed him… and…and… I JUST WANT MY FAMILY" Johan wailed collapsing into a sobbing heap.

Jim's heart trembled as he pulled Johan into a hug and O'Brien did the same. Johan sat between them crying his heart out accompanied by the repeated assurance of both Jim and O'Brien that it wasn't his fault and they were just glad he was back and safe.

Jim wasn't sure how long they spent like that but after some time the sobs tapered off into soft pitiful whimpers as Johan finally cried himself out, completely passing out on Jim's shoulder. Completely, truly and utterly exhausted

Jim's face softened into an unreadable expression carefully gathering Johan up into his arms and laying him down on the proper bed.

O'Brien watched wordlessly as Jim grabbed the discarded blankets and draped them over Johan's sleeping form, tucking him in.

"Jim?" O'Brien called.

Jim just kept working trying to ensure Johan was as comfy as he could be.

"Jim?"

"Yes."

"What are you doing? Shouldn't we be going to get help" O'Brien emphasised.

Jim looked down staying silent.

"Hello? Jim?"

"…."

"Jim we need to go and-"

"What if Johan's right though."

"Huh?" O'Brien exclaimed taken aback.

"About… you know all this… they're not going to understand this or what he went through" Jim sighed taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "Heck I'd be surprised if they even believed him in the first place, what if they do, do something to him and then it's all our fault."

"Look Jim I see your point but-"

"What if they do send him away or something else. I don't want to see that happen" Jim insisted. "You don't know how they'll react to this, it's bad O'Brien. It's very bad."

"Yes I know but he needs help-"

"We can help him" Jim resounded. "It won't be easy and it'll take time and support but we can-"

"Jim" O'Brien stated cutting him off. He knelt down placing his two hands on Jim's shoulders forcing the others' gaze to his. "I agree for the most part but…Johan needs proper medical attention. We can't treat that infection by ourselves Jim. It's severe we can't risk waiting around hoping it gets better."

"…I know…" Jim sighed burying his face in his hands. "It's just…. I just… I can't believe we didn't know it was this bad…"

"I knew he wasn't doing okay but… I didn't expect this" O'Brien admitted.

"I want to help him" Jim resounded. "I-no we need to help him."

"Yes, and we will" O'Brien vowed. "But first we need to go and get that infection treated."

"I know" Jim nodded solemnly.

The room fell into tangible silence, the pair mulling over everything in their heads.

"….I'll go…"

Jim looked down at the bed, the words so quiet he barely heard them.

Slowly he knelt down, terrified emerald eyes peeking out at him.

"Really you'll go?"

Johan didn't say anything to that probably second-guessing himself. He turned his head, burying his face against his crumbled, sweat-soaked pillow. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly trying to hold back a fresh onslaught of tears. His shoulders trembled and despite Johan's best efforts not to, the sobbing started once more.

"I'm sorry…" Johan wept into the pillow, shuddering in anguish. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… Ugh I-I'm… I'm so stupid…!"

The lamenting hopeless tone in Johan's broken voice stabbed Jim straight through his heart. His throat bobbed and the urge to just lie down beside Johan and join him in his grief was almost overwhelming.

But no... Jim couldn't do that. Not now. Johan needed him. Jim took a deep breath, steadying himself, reaching forward and gently brushing some of Johan's bangs out of his face.

"You're not stupid Johan" Jim assured him quietly. "You just made a mistake is all… and well we all make mistakes. I make them all the time. So does O'Brien."

"Yes," O'Brien agreed.

"See we all make mistakes. And we just have to learn from them and sometimes we can fix them. Like now" Jim coaxed gently. "You can fix this. We can fix this if you just let us help you… please."

Johan whimpered and didn't reply for a moment. He just stared at Jim with painful, heart-breaking sadness. Then, uncertainly, he nodded. "Okay…"

Jim let out a tiny sigh of relief, favouring his ill friend with a small worried smile, one of which was not returned. Jim shifted so he could slip one arm around Johan's shoulders hoisting him upright, then the other going under his legs as he lifted him.

O'Brien stood opening the door. The trio headed down the hallways of the blue dorm without a single exchange. Passing nobody on the way.

Upon reaching the main entrance Jim took a few seconds to look down at the exhausted boy in his arms. Johan's face was pressed up against Jim's chest and he was clutched loosely as Jim's bandana from around his neck with one hand. Johan had the other hidden up the sleeve of his hoodie once more.

Jim held him a little closer as the exited the dorm, wordlessly promising the boy in his arms that he would be okay. That they'd be there for him and help him through this. That they'd all be there for each other. That they'd get through this, together. And that in the end after a while they'd all be okay. Not because they really were but because they needed to be.

Jim blinked looking up at the dark cloudy ladened sky as they walked.

Johan looked up groggily in confusion feeling wet drops on his face. "Jim…?"

Jim stopped and sighed. "It really is an awful day for rain."

"Yeah, it is" O'Brien agreed.

Johan said nothing resting his head back down on Jim's chest.

For even in his current state, Johan knew better than to point out that it was no longer raining.

XX

Authors note: TW- This story contains mentions of self-harm, panic attacks and PTSD!

This turned out a lot longer than expected, this is something a little different than what I usually write and I'm fully aware that many people have different experiences myself included so please bear that in mind and no flame.

There was so much potential after season 3 and by season 4 (except for Judai they're all pretty much perfectly fine?!) You mean to tell my after going through all that they did the rest of the cast aren't literally traumatised. I mean they all need therapy after that let's be real.

Again this is a little different from what I write usually but thanks so much for reading!