Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.
Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.
Number 63, from the first chapter, is something I have actually done. Only it was about thirty to fifty snails, down the sidewalk and up my friend's front step. Really, I forced all of the garden sails I could find to crawl half a block, when it would have been faster to carry them. But it was totally awesome to be in command of my own army… of snails. I've done some of the others too, but I'll just leave you to guess.
255. Not allowed to let the twins watch anymore "Monty Python."
256. The fact that I have Viking ancestors does not authorize me to organize raiding parties on other houses.
257. Not allowed to throw first years into the lake in order "To appease the mighty Kraken."
- not even if they annoy me.
- the squid is not a Kraken.
- the squid can't introduce me to Davy Jones.
- the squid did not eat Captain Jack Sparrow.
258. Not allowed to teach the squid to attack people I don't like.
259. Not allowed to teach the house elves to belly dance.
260. Not allowed to belly dance during class.
261. Not allowed to hang fake skeletons from the trees by the lake "As a warning for the pirates."
262. Not allowed to release bats in the Gryffindor common room and laugh while my housemates freak out.
263. Just because I think lizards are cute doesn't mean my dormmates do.
264. When a first year asks me where a classroom is, not allowed it laugh at them because the room is on the other side of the school and they would have had to pass it to get where they are now.
265. When a Muggle Studies student asks me about air travel, not allowed to sing any of the three "United Breaks Guitars" songs by Dave Carroll.
267. "Come to the U.S.A" by Ray Stevens is never appropriate.
- No Ray Stevens songs.
268. Not allowed to research curse breaking and invisibility spells so I can "Remove the curse from the Hope Diamond and safely clean the damn thing, because the last time I saw it, it was covered in dust and it won't stop bothering me."
269. Just because the Muggle Studies teacher teaches her students about outdated muggle technology doesn't mean I can call her a "Moron who wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a PDA and a MP3, even if they were both labeled."
270. Cannot tell the Slytherins about the muggle military exploits to prove that "Muggles could totally kick your ass!"
271. Not allowed to duct tape Oliver Wood to his bed.
- even if the Quidditch team appreciated not having to get up to practice that morning, as it was raining.
272. I am not allowed to teach a class on the differences between American English and the "Freaky English you Brits use."
273. School morale would not be improved if we had jet skis.
274. Duct taping Errol to the wall is not the correct response to having him land in my breakfast and steal my bacon.
275. Duct taping Ron to the wall is not the correct response to having his family owl land in my breakfast and steal my bacon.
276. Not allowed to point and laugh when people call duct tape, duck tape.
277. Not allowed to wear a t-shirt that says "Silence is golden. Duct Tape is gray, so shut up or in the closet you'll stay."
278. Not allowed to say "Uh-oh", "Oops", or "Is the classroom equipped with a fire extinguisher" in potions, unless I, or another student have really messed up.
279. I can not carry around a fire extinguisher "Just in case."
- especially if the last part of the statement is "What I'm planning to do in Charms get's out of hand."
280. No one wants to know what I was planning to do in Charms.
- except from the Weasely twins and I'm not allowed to tell them.
281. I cannot "vote people off the island."
282. I cannot "Vote people onto an island."
- especially if the island is Azkaban.
283. I cannot "talk to God through a burning bush like Moses" so I should stop setting the plants in the greenhouse on fire.
- no this does not mean I can set the vegetation in the forbidden forest on fire.
284. The Forbidden Forest is not "Training Ground 44", "The Forest of Death", or "Anko's Playground."
285. Harry's scar is not a curse seal.
286. Not allowed to send an envelope full of baby power with a not saying "This is Anthrax, prepare to die." to the Dursley's.
- because it upsets the muggle government, that's why.
287. Not allowed to plant large amounts of fertilizer and the Dursley's and call in a terrorist threat.
288. I can punch people in the face if, and only if, I am in imminent danger of bodily harm, not because "it's a great way to relieve stress."
289. Not allowed to give out "Darwin awards."
290. Not allowed to give out "Here's your sign awards."
291. Not allowed to make "You might be a pureblood if…" jokes.
292. Not allowed to tell Harry that Moaning Myrtle watches him while he sleeps.
293. The fact that a teacher was hired after I began attending school does not give seniority over them.
294. The ceiling in the Great Hall is charmed to look like that. It's not because giants stole the roof and I'm not to tell first years that.
295. Not allowed to make voodoo dolls of people I don't like.
296. Not allowed to hex people to only be able to speak in lewd poetry.
297. No one wants to know why I had the electromagnet delivered, but I'm kindly informed that I'm not getting it back.
298. Not allowed to knock Draco out and put him in a dress.
299. Not allowed to steal from the supply closet.
300. Annoying people to not forfeit the right to breathe.
301. Not allowed to sing "Blue" by "The Birthday Massacre" in front of the first years.
- not allowed to sing anything by "The Birthday Massacre" in front of first years.
302. Not allowed to sing "A Gorey Demise" by Creature Feature in front of ministry officials.
303. "Aim for the Head" by Creature Feature is not the anthem of the survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse.
- I am once again reminded of rule 24.
304. "Santa Claus is Thumbing to Town" by Relient K is not an appropriate Christmas Carol.
- especially not in October.
305. Not allowed to traumatize first years with my taste in music.
306. "Woo Hoo! We're all going to die!" is not the proper response for any emergency situation.
307. Not allowed to tell people I don't like "When I die, I'm taking as many of you as I possibly can with me."
308. Borrowing without asking and with no intention of returning is stealing, and I would do well to remember it.
309. Not allowed to play "The Gum Game" in Hogsmade. (The gum game is where you go up to strangers and ask for gum. The one with the most pieces of gum at the end of the day wins.)
310. Not allowed to steal the Golden Snitch and turn it into a necklace.
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