"I can't deal with this! I'm the decider of us three! Let the decider decide! I'm not having a good time with this game." Nick ran off in a huff.
"Give my regards to Outside Dave." Schmidt smiled with a cocky tilt of his head. Jess scowled and took a step forward to intimidate him.
"Stay away from my space or you'll have this to deal with." Jess reached for his nipples but Schmidt caught her hands at his chest before she could find them.
"I still can't believe you kissed him. I honestly didn't think you could be so irresponsible."
"Shut-up Schmidt." Jess tried to pull away but Schmidt held her hands tight, his thumbs pressed into her palms. He glared at her, dark brows furrowed.
"You are compromising the whole loft, you know that right?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you know anything about men?"
Jess scoffed. "Yeah I know nothing about men, that's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights."
Schmidt ignored her scorn and barreled on: "A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. Men are fueled by two things: competition and sex. You kissing Nick has completely upset the balance we have fought so hard to maintain ever since you moved in."
Jess gave a short laugh and rolled her eyes. "Jeez, has it really been THAT hard?"
Schmidt raised his eyebrows seriously. "YES. It has. We have entered the post-kiss era of our living arrangement, and now Nick is giving parking spots to whomever he played tonsil hockey with last! It's chaos! THIS is why women aren't allowed on pirate ships."
Schmidt threw down her hands and turned away from Jess to collect himself.
"Excuse me," Jess poked him in the back and he whirled around to slap her hand away. She went on: "I'll have you know, I played Fredrick in a gender-swapped production of The Pirates of Penzance at my community theater in Portland, so I think I know a LITTLE something about pirate ships, and you are WAY out of line."
Schmidt rolled his eyes and simply ignored this tidbit of information. "God, Jess. I love you but you are so naive."
"Uh! I am not! Why would you say that!" Jess actually felt a little hurt, but tried to keep up her super tough and intimidating facade.
"Come on. You think YOU can out manipulate me? ME?" Schmidt laughed a quiet villainous laugh. "You think that just because Nick has a crush on you-"
"He has a what on me?"
"-you can get him to give you what you want?" Schmidt shook his head condescendingly and placed a hand gently on Jess' shoulder. "I have known Nick for nearly a decade. I know his strengths, his weaknesses, his dreams, yes, even his nightmares. I have studied the workings of that runaway train of a mind of his, and I know which levers to pull to bring that train onto MY track, the RIGHT track." Another slightly evil chuckle from Schmidt as Jess stared wide-eyed at this revelation. "Oh, Jess. You are a pretty little thing, but you don't stand a chance."
Jess snapped her mouth shut (it had been hanging a bit open) and lunged once again to give Schmidt that titty twister she had intended earlier. She felt around a bit through his sweater, and then cried out in horror:
"Where are your nipples, man?"
Schmidt snorted as he walked away. "I'll never tell."
