CHAPTER 01

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When she woke up in those hospital corridors, she really wished she could have just stayed there on that beach, where the come and go of the waves lapping on the shore seemed to make everything peaceful and hypnotic. She could still feel the sensation of the ocean breeze touching her face even though the protection mask kind of made her claustrophobic.

Two weeks had passed since she had last gone home. She had lost more patients in weeks than she had her whole career and the pandemic was starting to take its toll on her. She was running on practically zero sleep, she was at the hospital all the time, she was stressed, overwhelmed and feeling like a death angel whose only purpose was to give people the news that they had just lost something irreplaceable.

She wasn't feeling like the badass surgeon who people flew across the country to get a consultation with. She was feeling sick, tired beyond explanation and lost. Above all things she was feeling lost. To someone used to finding ways, Meredith Grey didn't seem to be able to find anything at all at the moment. And that's why she let go of all of her control and knocked over the shelves in the supply closet. When Andrew told her to go home, that's all she wanted to do, she intended on doing, but her weak body had other plans and all of a sudden the parking lot of Grey-Sloan Memorial faded to black when her body gave up and exhaustion caught up with her.

And suddenly, there she was again.

Surrounded by the peaceful feeling that the waves brought to her heart, sitting on an old tree branch on that same beach. Exhaustion and pain were gone and the breeze touching her face was so relaxing. Still, something inside her chest seemed to weigh. She was at peace but couldn't exactly breathe deep. She moved her toes feeling the sand in between them while her eyes paid attention to the water in front of her. It was a dream. She was dreaming and she didn't exactly want to wake up. Not for a while though. For now, she just wanted to be able to stay here and enjoy the way her heart was steady and calmly beating almost as if it was in a perfect connection with the rhythm of the waves.

This was a dream. A very vivid one. And it was also crazy because for a brief second it was like she was hearing things but it couldn't be possible. But then again and again she could hear someone calling her name each time louder and louder until her heart started pounding on her chest. It could not be. There was no way but then again, this was a dream. And then she turned her head.

- Oh, my God!

In a second she got up and her hand was in her chest because she was pretty sure her heart had just stopped. He said her name again. "Meredith". His voice found her ears and she gasped. He was far away but she could clearly see and hear him now. It was him.

- Derek!

Her voice, always so sure of itself, sounded more like a whisper and her expression turned from shocked, awestruck, almost scared, to happy, relieved... in love. As her lips turned into a smile, her lungs let go of a breath she didn't exactly know she was holding and for the first time in five years, when she breathed in once more, it was deep, it was like air finally filled her lungs with life.

He was here. Smiling at her.

And she could breathe deep once again.

Before she could start walking towards him though, his face started to blur and the great feelings that beach made her feel disappeared altogether with his image. All was dark for a second until she caught herself opening her eyes for white lights and familiar, worried faces hovering over her. Doctors who were also her friends were surrounding her and everything was chaotic.

God, she just wanted to go back to the beach.

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Four days had passed since she was last in the peaceful company of the waves. His face showed up in her mind every moment and his smile was the only thing keeping her sane in the middle of the horrible situation she was in. She knew now that the beach wasn't actually a dream, it was a hallucination due to the fact she got infected with Covid-19. It was just her mind tricking her and she knew that for her to see him again, she had to be in a very bad shape.

Covid: 1 x Meredith: 0. Damn virus got her. There was really no escaping it.

At the same time she really wanted to see her late husband, she was worried. She was scared to hell to fall asleep and not wake up again because she had three kids who she loved too much to leave motherless. They already didn't have a father, they really needed their mother. So she was divided: she wanted to see Derek again, to go there and just get lost in his arms because it had been too long already but she knew her children didn't deserve a life without both parents.

Covid: 2 x Meredith: 0. Damn virus got her heart broken in two.

As the morning went by, she started feeling dizzy and sick to the stomach. Maybe medications were starting to fail her. As her head kept spinning and her vision blurred, only one thing crossed her mind: get to him. Hallucination or not, she had to go back there so she got up from the hospital bed and it was like she never learned how to walk. Her feet stumbled upon each other and it all went dark as she fell to the floor and when clarity came back there he was, smiling at her again.

She smiled back at him and suddenly it wasn't that much peaceful to be here anymore. She tried to walk in his direction but every two steps ahead took her three steps back from him. She tried to move to get closer, to make the distance between them disappear but she couldn't. She was starting to get frustrated.

- Derek! - she screamed. - Why can't I get anywhere?

- You're worried about the kids.

His answer only made her more antsy. She wanted to get to him but something was holding her back.

- I miss you! - she screamed, her heart pounding.

- I know! - he told her with the most loving look in his eyes. And she knew he missed her too.

She couldn't get to him but just staring at his deep blue ocean eyes could be enough for a while. She could enjoy it and just as her heart was starting to calm down, she heard her name being called by someone and Derek's face was once again gone. When she opened her tired eyes, she saw her sister's face. Maggie was ordering people around trying to keep her awake.

- I wanna go to the beach.

Chaos and pain were back and she really only wanted to be there where she could just stare into the deep ocean blue of Derek's eyes and feel the sand in between her toes instead of here breathing through a tube inside her nose.

Covid: 3 x Meredith: 0. Damn you, virus. Damn!

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Her situation was definitely not improving and she had to make a decision. Alex was her person but he was gone, left her with a letter, he wouldn't be able to help her at all now. She needed someone else, someone who she knew would be able to make the right decision for her, who wouldn't be selfish and let her stay plugged to machines if the choice was to be made. She needed someone to pull the plug and allow her to go. Just like she did with Derek.

The hardest decision of her life. Letting him go, telling him it was ok and that she would be fine when in all honesty she knew if he was gone, everything she had was gone too. When she lost him, she lost herself and it took her a long time to learn how to live this new, unwanted life as this broken, barely mended person. But she did it.

She had moved on for her kids, they were the reason why she kept going. Mostly Ellis, because she couldn't give up everything when Derek had left her with a baby growing inside of her. "I wanna have more" yet he wasn't there for the "more" part of it. He left her alone with more. She was carrying his baby and every time she thought she couldn't handle it, she placed her hand on her growing belly, closed her eyes and imagined him being there, talking to them. His two girls. Oh, how happy he would've been to get to know his blonde, blue-eyed little princess.

So, she needed someone who would do just that. Who would realize that it didn't matter she was gone, life would keep going on, everybody else would keep going on. She would keep fighting for her kids but if the situation was not in her hands anymore, she had to have someone capable of letting her go for hers and everybody else's sake. And Richard was the one.

- This feels like payback. - he said.

- Damn right it is!

- And you sure you want me to have your POA and not Maggie or Amelia?

- You've known me my whole life. You're the only one I can trust to pull the plug if my brain is gone.

- I'll do every damn thing I can first.

- I know you will.

She was feeling weaker by the second. Breathing hurt. Everything hurt.

- And you… you don't wanna be put on a vent?

- There's a shortage, I don't wanna take one from somebody who needs it.

- What if that someone is you?

Yeah, what if it got to that point? But they weren't there yet.

- It's not! Not yet… My kids need me. - that's all she cared about, her kids. They needed her more than anyone else.

- We all need you.

She was surprised by his statement. He truly cared for her, he was the closest thing she ever had to a father but she didn't answer. Blowing her a kiss in the air, Richard left her alone. She should try to sleep. And that's what she did.

When her eyes opened again, he was right there in front of her and she smiled. Right there wasn't exactly accurate when he was actually very far from her still and all she wanted was to get to him. Taking a step in his direction, she noticed he didn't move further away this time.

Derek was a "stay here, don't move, wait for me" kind of guy, but she was more of a...

- You could walk too, you know?

… kind of woman.

- Wouldn't make a difference. - her husband screamed his answer her way.

- Why not? - she asked as she stopped.

- Because the sand isn't real, Meredith!

He kept saying the sand wasn't real but she could clearly feel it in between her toes and under her feet. The beach was real. The wind was blowing her hair in all directions, the water was lapping on the shore and she could clearly hear the ocean sounds. What was "the sand isn't real" supposed to mean? To hell with it, she was going to get to him and if he was just going to go with staying there then there she would get.

She took the first step confidently and then the next and then when she realized she was running towards him. He was smiling at her and her heart was racing as if she could do anything, if the sand wasn't real then she could probably just throw herself on the ground without anything happening but when she landed face first on the sand it was way more than real.

Derek's out loud laugh got to her ears and she was enraged.

- You said it wasn't real! - she complained when she sat on her heels while he still laughed. - I hate you! - she screamed even though her eyes and smile actually told otherwise.

- You love me! And God knows I love you!

His McDreamy smile and the sound of his voice telling her he loved her after so long filled her heart with such happiness she hadn't felt in years. She smiled too, widely. Her heart was beating fast because he was so right: she did love him. Too much!

- I will be right here when you're ready!

Another thing she didn't quite understand but for now she didn't need to. She got up, shaking her head and grinning at him.

She did still love him. And he still loved her too.

This was forever and no one could ever compare.

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(to be continued)

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Author's Note:

This is my first ever story written in English, so I really hope y'all will like it and forgive me if there are any mistakes! Decided to publish it here too just because... the story is already completed and the next chapters will be posted soon but reviews are very welcome! So, if you could please say something, that would be nice!! Thanks for reading, y'all!!